Not since the swine flu outbreak that was going to kill everybody have I been so enthralled with an internet-centric story... and so let down with it's anticlimactic ending as that of the Balloon Boy of Fort Collins.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091016/ap_on_re_us/us_boy_in_balloon_83
I imagine you were either in an African jungle or outer-space if you did not at least get water cooler talk about Balloon Boy the day after the trip that didn't happen happened.
At approximately 1pm CST I tuned in to CNN to see what was happening in the world... located at the top of the page was a "Breaking News" story... "6 year old boy floating 8000 ft over Colorado."
WTF
From that moment on I was glued to news reports, live webcams, and proximity reports from friends in Colorado for the next several hours. I got sucked in like John Holmes at a porn shoot.
I watched webcam images as Balloon Boys silver saucer drifted across his Colorado backdrop and listened to reports of his brothers telling of his boarding of the craft, of possible rescue means, of altitude readings, of National Guard helicopters and airport closings and airplane diversions... I was on the edge of my seat wondering how cold it was in the craft, how scared this 6 year old boy could be, how well built was this back yard dirigible, how was this going to end.
As the craft started to loose helium I watched in horror as it begin to spin and teeter toter, wondering now if the box on the bottom could stand the stress or if it would break apart sending Balloon Boy on a free fall that would bring certain death.
I became an instant expert on the properties of helium; how the cold affects it, it's lifting properties, as well as Mylar; it's strength, it's weaknesses. I learned of science projects, weather experiments, wife swapping, and even of a balloon crash in China. Anything and everything relative to the story was being shotgunned at us by the media.
I found myself running through a stream of emotions imagining how the parents must have felt watching the same images unfold before their eyes.
As the craft began to drop I wondered what condition the boy would be in, if he was even alive.
And then in an instant the balloon was on the ground and within seconds rescue personnel and media reporters were all over it
What for the love of god was going on!
Then they said it, "the boy was not in the craft."
WTF
After a few hours of what ifs and hows and even a brief moment when a sheriffs deputy claimed to have seen something falling from the craft, did Balloon Boy walk into his parents living room. As it turns out Balloon Boy got the wrong nick name... he should be called Attic Boy.
The kid never got in the gawd damn balloon... Attic Boy had retired to said accommodations after getting in trouble with dad and "napped." He was scarred to come out when her heard people yelling for him thinking he was in trouble.
Again the emotions, "oh thank goodness he's alive... now let's whoop his ass." What a story, what an ending... it was AWESOME. But, wait... it was planned.
Turns out we got dupped; during an interview with balloon/attic boy he makes a commit that "we did this for the show."
Ahhhhh, what show?
You mean to tell me this kid, his wife swappin dad, and rap video mom and brothers (youtube it), concocted this whole show to land a reality TV gig. What kind of sick f$&# messes with mine... and the worlds emotions like that?
Now they are even talking about pressing charges on the Balloon Family and making them pay for the expense the county and various government entities expended chasing balloon boys would be vessel.
But you know what?
It won't matter... the Balloons will get that and more; in book deals, magazine spreads, movies of the week, and perhaps even that treasured reality TV show.
And, you want to know why... because Americans love a train wreck. We love our Octomoms, and Gosselins, we revel in our Biggest Losers and Dancing Stars, we sing with Glee over Survivors and Bachelors and just flat out enjoy real Housewives and real Worlds. We can't get enough of it because we love drama, conflict, and f#$%ed up people. For the same reason you can't drive past a car accident without slowing down and trying to get a peak of catastrophe you can't stop watching the wrecks of reality stars lives.
We're gonna love the Balloons and their wife swappin stories, and domestic violence reports, and their whacked out trio of rappin misfits, and their high school educated meteorology reports and their incessant need to be the center of attention and we're gonna love hearing about thier impending divorce, thier probable sexual abuse and adolescent drug problems... because we're media monkeys. And, that's the banana, er balloon, we want.
p.s. Why is it called "Reality TV?" Reality TV to me would be watching some guy do the same thing for 10 hours, take kids to soccer, then go home, watch some TV and go to bed. It should be called "Surreal TV." Cause that ain't reality for 99% of the U.S.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091016/ap_on_re_us/us_boy_in_balloon_83
I imagine you were either in an African jungle or outer-space if you did not at least get water cooler talk about Balloon Boy the day after the trip that didn't happen happened.
At approximately 1pm CST I tuned in to CNN to see what was happening in the world... located at the top of the page was a "Breaking News" story... "6 year old boy floating 8000 ft over Colorado."
WTF
From that moment on I was glued to news reports, live webcams, and proximity reports from friends in Colorado for the next several hours. I got sucked in like John Holmes at a porn shoot.
I watched webcam images as Balloon Boys silver saucer drifted across his Colorado backdrop and listened to reports of his brothers telling of his boarding of the craft, of possible rescue means, of altitude readings, of National Guard helicopters and airport closings and airplane diversions... I was on the edge of my seat wondering how cold it was in the craft, how scared this 6 year old boy could be, how well built was this back yard dirigible, how was this going to end.
As the craft started to loose helium I watched in horror as it begin to spin and teeter toter, wondering now if the box on the bottom could stand the stress or if it would break apart sending Balloon Boy on a free fall that would bring certain death.
I became an instant expert on the properties of helium; how the cold affects it, it's lifting properties, as well as Mylar; it's strength, it's weaknesses. I learned of science projects, weather experiments, wife swapping, and even of a balloon crash in China. Anything and everything relative to the story was being shotgunned at us by the media.
I found myself running through a stream of emotions imagining how the parents must have felt watching the same images unfold before their eyes.
As the craft began to drop I wondered what condition the boy would be in, if he was even alive.
And then in an instant the balloon was on the ground and within seconds rescue personnel and media reporters were all over it
What for the love of god was going on!
Then they said it, "the boy was not in the craft."
WTF
After a few hours of what ifs and hows and even a brief moment when a sheriffs deputy claimed to have seen something falling from the craft, did Balloon Boy walk into his parents living room. As it turns out Balloon Boy got the wrong nick name... he should be called Attic Boy.
The kid never got in the gawd damn balloon... Attic Boy had retired to said accommodations after getting in trouble with dad and "napped." He was scarred to come out when her heard people yelling for him thinking he was in trouble.
Again the emotions, "oh thank goodness he's alive... now let's whoop his ass." What a story, what an ending... it was AWESOME. But, wait... it was planned.
Turns out we got dupped; during an interview with balloon/attic boy he makes a commit that "we did this for the show."
Ahhhhh, what show?
You mean to tell me this kid, his wife swappin dad, and rap video mom and brothers (youtube it), concocted this whole show to land a reality TV gig. What kind of sick f$&# messes with mine... and the worlds emotions like that?
Now they are even talking about pressing charges on the Balloon Family and making them pay for the expense the county and various government entities expended chasing balloon boys would be vessel.
But you know what?
It won't matter... the Balloons will get that and more; in book deals, magazine spreads, movies of the week, and perhaps even that treasured reality TV show.
And, you want to know why... because Americans love a train wreck. We love our Octomoms, and Gosselins, we revel in our Biggest Losers and Dancing Stars, we sing with Glee over Survivors and Bachelors and just flat out enjoy real Housewives and real Worlds. We can't get enough of it because we love drama, conflict, and f#$%ed up people. For the same reason you can't drive past a car accident without slowing down and trying to get a peak of catastrophe you can't stop watching the wrecks of reality stars lives.
We're gonna love the Balloons and their wife swappin stories, and domestic violence reports, and their whacked out trio of rappin misfits, and their high school educated meteorology reports and their incessant need to be the center of attention and we're gonna love hearing about thier impending divorce, thier probable sexual abuse and adolescent drug problems... because we're media monkeys. And, that's the banana, er balloon, we want.
p.s. Why is it called "Reality TV?" Reality TV to me would be watching some guy do the same thing for 10 hours, take kids to soccer, then go home, watch some TV and go to bed. It should be called "Surreal TV." Cause that ain't reality for 99% of the U.S.
Hey B, Nice write up - I don't think I could have said it any better. Oh wait you forgot when the Dad came out for the big announcement and said to leave questions in the box which he will leave at his front door. Then after reading them he would then again have another news conference. That whole family if f&^%ed UP!!
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