Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Things I Learned This Week


Venus Williams is still not attractive. It doesn't even matter if she plays tennis in lingerie, she still looks like a female wrestler on roids with a man-butt.

Shouldn't this be illegal; I mean look at her. If she wore this outfit on the street she'd be arrested for indecent exposure or for extremely bad taste. Now if you put Sophie Turner (google her) in this outfit and had her bounce around at the French Open for 2 1/2 hours... now that's something I'd spend money to see.


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Lindsey Lohan could murder someone and get away with just wearing an ankle bracelet as punishment. This week Lohan showed up to court 11 minutes late after failing to show up in court on her regularly scheduled court date after failing to complete her mandatory alcohol classes after having them extended because she failed to meet the original time frame to complete the classes after getting her 2nd DUI and being charged with cocaine possession. But, she had a good excuse... apparently there was a hell of a party in Cannes France.

While there she was photographed drunk and being helped to her car and at a party where lines of cocaine were clearly visible on a table in front of her. Awesome.

I have had Lohan on my deadpool list for the last three years... please, just die already.


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Brittany Murphy's house is a death trap. This week, just 5 months after Murphy was found dead in her house, her husband, Simon Monjack, was found dead in the same house by the same person, Brittany's mom Sharron.

"No Thank You Brittney's mom... I do not want to sleep over."

Apparently Brittany and Simon shared the house with Brittany's mom and Simon and her continued to live in the house after Brittany's death (weird). Simon was scheduled to undergo heart bypass surgery sometime this summer and is suspected of having died of heart failure. Still, my advice to mom... "get out of the house."

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If you spill a bunch of oil into the gulf of Mexico you're probably a dick. It's true, British Petroleum, you are a dick.

Google BP or oil spill

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Lebron James is making the biggest decision in basketball history and his sh!t don't stink. While addressing the media after his Cleveland Cavaliers were eliminated from the NBA Playoffs he noted several times that "his team" would be making a decision on his NBA future on July 1st. "His Team," ? WTF ? how many people are on this team?

The basketball world can't wait. Everyone from Mark Cuban (fined $100K) to my grandma ("who's Lebron the quarterback of" ...I'm not kidding) has weighed in on the subject that is taking the sports world by storm. The receiving team is almost assured a championship at some point and definitely will hit a marketing payday that could be counted in the billions.

New York gives him the greatest marketing windfall and endorsement paycheck. Miami gives him the best chance at winning the most championships by partnering a Jordan like player (Wade) with a Magic like player (Bron). Chicago, sad to say, wouldn't work... he is not winning 6 championships in Chicago like Jordan did and thus would never be considered as good as Jordan. Dallas would partner him an awesome power forward (Dirk) that would spread the floor and clear the lane for him, but who could stand that egomaniac Cuban if he won a championship... the league won't allow it. But, and I'm just throwing this out there, what if he went to Orlando... they dump Lewis, Vinsanity, White Chocolate and sign Bron. He'd be playing with the leagues best center (Superman) and one of the top 5 points in the league (Nelson). And the marketing would be through the roof, he'd be able to partner with Disney to be the "King" in the Magic Kingdom. Done.

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I'm still LOST. The hit ABC show Lost ended this week with much ta-do (I gave up on this show after season 2 when the smoke monster was scaring people). For those fans that stayed true to the show it was noted that they were happy with the finale but still had questions. For those who didn't stay true... the clowns on Oceanic 815 were stuck in Purgaroty; where apparently polar bears, magnatrons, love triangles, love quadrangles, love hexiangles, dead people come back to life, VW buses rock, smoke monsters fly, time can change, and a whole crap load of other shit can happen. Final assesment... with six seasons on an island with food rations and a ton of running around Hurley couldn't lose any weight. WTF.

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