Oklahoma experienced a little ice and snow fall last night and I had to follow you into work today, and I should tell you; you shouldn't be driving on the ice covered roads this morning... with your head up YOUR F***ING ASS!Seriously, what the f*** were you thinking by grabbing your keys and stepping into that 2600 lb sled this morning. I'm not sure you should drive on a warm, sunny day, let alone, a slick and treacherous morning like this one.
You're a moron.
I especially liked it when you couldn't get stopped at the stop sign and stood on your brakes like you were going 107 mph and airborne, when in fact you were doing 4 mph... you're body was as straight as a board from your headrest to your brake peddle. I should point out that once you've slid past the stop sign and into the middle of the intersection that there is no need to stop at that point. You should probably just continue on, instead of coming to a complete stop then spinning your tires trying to take off like you were auditioning for the part of "Driver" in a Dukes of Hazard movie. And, then, because you slid through the stop sign, you went 10 mph the rest of the way to the highway... and I had to follow you for that whole time... that was great.
Anyway, thought I would take a minute to point out a few things to you and those drivers that think they need to be out today.
First of all; when the TV news anchorman tells you that if you are not "essential personnel" at your office to stay home, then you should listen to them. I want you to really consider your role at work and ask yourself, "is there a greater chance that someone is going to die because I didn't go into the office than if I get on the road." If there is not... stay home.
I would also like the news anchors to add to the "essential personal" list with the following; If you are in any way retarded, old, young, blind in one eye, afraid of spiders, bad at driving on a good day, has a car with bald tires, has a car with good tires but a bad driver, hates the color white, has any learning disabilities in your family tree going back 3 generations, if you don't know what ABS is, don't know what AWD is, don't know what ASS is (that's you, by the way), if you don't have any of these acronyms on your vehicle anywhere, if you cry easily, if you get emotional at sad commercials or have had a pet die in the last 10 days, if you might be driving with a child, if you plan on texting your friends that "it is icy out" while driving, if you think it's ok to wear either shorts when it is 22 degrees out or extremely long pointy shoes at any time in your life, if you think driving 5-10 mph and holding up traffic for 2 1/2 miles is a good idea, if you don't have a death wish, if you would not like me to park my Ford F-150 up your ass... then you need to stay off the roads today.
Second, here are some driving tips if you do venture out. Plan ahead, pay attention, know your route, give yourself plenty of time to stop, don't make sharp or sudden turns, don't pull out to close to anyone (remember they can't stop suddenly) and keep your head out of your ass. That last point is key. If you are going to drive with your head up your ass, just stay home.
It should be noted that most accidents occur on the ice because of braking... when you brake you lose a lot of ability to steer your vehicle... sometimes you just gotta drive through it, or hopefully, around it.
Third... don't be a part of the problem if you don't have to be. If you are not comfortable on the ice just stay the f*** home cause all you're doing is pissing those of us that have to be out in the ice right the f*** off.
And, last... if you are out on the ice and cause an accident... die. Cause if you ain't dead and I've wrecked my car because of you, I'm gonna beat your ass. I don't care if your legs are crushed and you are bleeding from your eye sockets, I'm gonna punch you in your damn face for driving on a day like today.
Enjoy your day home.
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