In Local News: The Saturday Morning Drive

Tulsa has been a white hot bed of news lately.

It was reported by Oklahoma Highway Patrol that around 1am Saturday morning a woman, who was leaning out of a car window vomiting, fell out of the vehicle when the bailing wire that was holding the door shut gave way. In an attempt to save her the driver also fell out of the vehicle. The vehicle continued on and hit a concrete wall. A third passenger in the vehicle was uninjured.

Alcohol may have been involved. (no sh!t)

This is the kind of stuff that only happens in Oklahoma.

http://www.ktul.com/Global/story.asp?S=12826389

In Local News: Freaks in Tulsa

Look at this guy.

Jesse Thornhill was arrested this week on a complaint of assault with a deadly weapon after trying to run his landlord over with his van.

Jesse's own mother sold him out. She says that she and her neighbor (the landlord) have been having trouble with Jesse and that an altercation broke out. Jesse left but soon returned armed with a '96 Ford Winstar Van and tried to run the landlord over. The landlord was able to jump out of the way and was not injured. Police located Jesse and the weapon shortly after and arrested him.

If that wasn't enough just look at this freak! I mean, seriously, what kinda "guy" wears a pink shirt in his mugshot. I mean, me, I'm not gay enough to pull off the pink shirt... I don't know that any "man" is. Can you imagine if this photo leaks out to the other inmates, they will ridicule him to no end for his pink shirted buffoonery. What a CLOWN. A pink shirt... jeez. FREAK!

http://www.newson6.com/global/story.asp?s=12806315

For the Love of God, Someone Blow Mel

Mel Gibson may be the most misunderstood man in America.

In a series of recordings saved by Oksana Grigorieva (pronounced ga-old-dig her), Mels estranged wife, and released on Radaronline.com Mel is heard making all kinds of supposed crazy statements... but if you really listen to what Mel is saying I think you'll just hear a man just expressing his feelings... and his need for a blowjob.

"I deserve to be blown first! Before the f*cking Jacuzzi! Ok, I’ll burn the goddamn house up, but blow me first! How dare you!??!” - Mel wants a blowjob. I don't have a problem with that. Blowjobs ARE romantic... just ask any guy. And, if Oksana said "I will blow you before I get in the Jacuzzi," then sounds like to me she shoulda blown someone before they got in the Jacuzzi. Duh.

“I should’ve woken you up and said f*cking blow me bitch! I should’ve f*ckin’ woken you up and said blow me! You would’ve liked that better, yeah? But you need the goddamn sleep!” - I don't think Mel is expressing anger at Oksana in this statement, he is just looking for conformation. He coulda woke her up for his blowjob, which he states she would have liked to give him (what woman doesn't), but he didn't want to ruin her sleep... she needs her rest, he's just acknowledging that.

“You gotta push my f*cking buttons. And it’s not going to work with us! It’s not! I can’t get like this anymore!" - The man sounds like he is gonna have a heart attack while talking to her on the phone. He can hardly catch enough breath to call her a "useless c*nt." Why she gotta be pushin his buttons like that... does she want him to die? Is she trying to kill Mel? Who's wronging who here.

“Threaten ya? I’ll put you in a f *ckin rose garden you c*nt! You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that?” - Sounds like someone would appreciate some flowers from time to time.

“You look like a f***ing bitch in heat. And if you get raped by a pack of ni**ers it will be your fault. Alright? Because you provoked it.” - Totally misunderstood. Sure, he could have rephrased this better to make his point; "wow, you look sexy... you're HOT ... you got ass for days... put a week on it... any African-American man would love to sex that ass up... it's PHAT, pretty hot and tempting. umm." See, totally legit. Mel is so misunderstood

“You don’t have any f*ucking friends except me, and you treat me like shi*! So that’s why I’m so fucking angry, because I don’t have any friends! And I try and make one from you and you treat me like shit and you fucking used me!” - Why after being so nice to her would she refuse his friendship... it makes no sense to me. He gave her a home, a child, why would she not want to be his friend. This is a lonely man reaching out. It's just sad.

“You wanted the number of my therapist? Don’t you ever speak to him! Find your own goddamn therapist! Because you’ve got problems more than me!” - Probably the absolute best piece of advice Mel gave Oksana, other than to give the blow job before the Jacuzzi... don't use his therapist. Mel's therapist obviously needs to continue to concentrate on Mel's issues, they've got the "expressing yourself" part down pat, I think they probably have to work a little on style and tone, but they are making huge strides... Mel needs his therapist to concentrate on him, not distracted by another patient. And, obviously she has bigger problems than Mel, she may need several therapist and some clinical treatment. His problems pale in comparison to hers.

See, I think once you break it down and not just hear what Mel is saying but actually listen to what he says, it's not so bad. In fact, this sounds like a match made in heaven to me. True love, absolute true love.

You and Your Johnson

The 80's are always good for a laugh especially when talking about your Johnson. Submitted by devout Slaphand reader Old Gregg. Thanks OG... keep 'em coming
Funny 80's Ad: You And Your Johnson - Watch more
Funny Videos

Top 5 Most Annoying Status Updates On Facebook

You've all seen them... annoying status updates. It doesn't matter if it's friends of family there are just some common post that everyone seems to throw onto Facebook that just annoy the shit out of you.

Well, below are my top 5 most annoying commonly used status updates and why they bug the crap out of me so bad.

5. "I'm at my kids game" - My kids play soccer almost every weekend and have practice twice a week... do you want to know every time this happens? I don't either. Now if your kid is playing a tournament in another city, let me know; that's kinda cool. It lets me know that no one is at your house right now should I decide I need a little extra cash by selling your crap at a pawn shop. Or, if they win something big... like the AFC Championship... that's fine, but I'll probably ask for Superbowl tickets if you do that. But I don't need to know that your kid is playing another baseball game in little league for the 3rd time this week.

NOW, should any hot moms be trolling the fields in a low cut tank top or crotch high mini skirt for her baby a new daddy be sure to post those pictures pronto.

4. "My Husband (wife, kid, etc.) is the BEST!" - These f***ing status updates are usually accompanied by photos of why said husband or wife is the best which is usually something they've bought or made for the other. All this sh!t does is make the rest of us look bad for not doing the things that make them the best.

On Fathers Day there was a ton of this crap.

One dad showed pictures of heart shaped pancakes his kids made him. Who does that crap? My kids apparently love me less then his love him according to his post. Well, F*** him. My kids didn't trash my kitchen or get me up early to make me eat they're shitty pancakes... they're the f***ing best!

Or, how about the husband that brings home flowers for his wife and she, of course, post it on Facebook, "My Husband is the BEST! He brought me flowers" So, when I get home, empty handed, I gotta to listen to my wife say, "did you see, Mary got flowers today." Big f***ing deal, so I didn't have time to stop by the cemetery today to get a nice bouquet. Tell Mary that I'd of brought you flowers too if I did what Mike did with the girl at the bar last night.

3. Song lyrics quote guy - You know the guy (or girl)...

But if I stayed here with you, girl,
things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
and this bird you can not change,
ohohohohoh.

Look. If I wanted to hear f***ing Freebird I'd play it on my iPizzy. Just because Facebook ask "what's on your mind..." I don't need to read about every song that pops into that jello mold between your ears.

What the f*** am I supposed to do with the lyrics to Freebird motherf***er, or Pink Floyd, or the Beatles, or any band.

Am I to assume you're leaving your girlfriend because your ass is "free as a bird." I'd rather not have to assume anything... just tell me, "I caught the bitch cheatin again... I'm leavin her." That I can respect and understand.

2. Religious Quote Girl - You've seen it...

"Let us love; not in word or speech, but in truth and action" - John 3:18

See, I've never been a big religion guy and consequently I don't need you cramming your god down my throat. And, if I was, I'd crack open the Bible and just fill my ass up.

Just like song lyric quoter guy you are giving me nothing to go with... what, you think your little bible verse is gonna make me feel better; you think I'm gonna read it and say, "I have not been giving myself to the lord enough lately." Is it suppose to save me? I don't want to f***ing hear it.

1. Cryptic Message Guy - These f***ers are the worse. They put up messages that say; "I've done it again," or "oh, no," or "guess what," or "I can't believe that happened," or any number of things that requires more information for me to figure out just what the f*** you're talking about.

I also like to refer to this post as the "trolling for comments post," or "begformation post." You basically want people to post comments on your status begging for more information. Well, I ain't gonna do it sh!tbird. Just tell me what you want me to know... I ain't got time for your dumb ass games. I don't sit around all day on Facebook or surfing the net looking for dumb shit to post up in my blog (well, uh, not ALL day). You can take your cryptic little message and shove it up your ass then post it,"Guess what just got shoved up my ass."

In addition to the above I don't care about your Farm, Mafia Family, or Cafe. I don't care that you care about something and if I care about it too I should re-post it. I don't need to know about a link you like, or play by play what you're doing. I don't want to take your quiz, answer your questionnaire, or take a poll. I don't give a sh!t which Star Trek character I am. And, I absolutely don't give a f*** if you're BORED!

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a little Facebook time. I enjoy catching up with old friends I haven't spoken to in years. There's just some shit that you see, almost daily, that gets on my f***ing nerves. And, I just want you to quit posting it on your status... or I'm gonna purge your ass.

No, F*** You Lindsay

LINDSAY LOHAN IS GOING TO JAIL.

That's awesome and bad all at the same time.

This bitch should have been sent to jail a long time ago, but due to the judge being a bit of a puss and a celebrity suck ass Lohan hasn't had to... until now.

Apparently Judge Judy, excuse me Judge Revel finally came to her senses and sentenced this psychopath to jail. Albeit only 90 days... I guarantee if I did all the shit that she did I'd be in jail for a minimum of 2 years.

So, why is this bad. Because 90 days in jail then a mandatory 90 day rehab stint may just clean her up and prevent her from dying. That really effin bites. I really wanted to see this coked up whore lying in her own vomit, half naked, in some shitty motel in some death photos that somehow showed up on the Internet.

It still wouldn't surprise me if somehow she's gets off for time served, if anyone can pull that off it's this nut bag.

What really chaps my ass was the fact that the whole time she was in court she had "f*** u" written on her middle finger. I'd of had her dragged out of court and had that nail pulled off with a pair of pliers. But that's me. I don't take shit from celebrities and I'm not a California judge.

Maybe she'll become someone's jail bitch and forced to lick clean the toilets in her masters cell... that'd be sweet. One can dream can't they?

The Internet is Dead

Hey everyone... the Internet is dead. Prince said so... let's shut this bitch down and go home. Seriously people, someone pull the plug on this f***er and power her off.

WTF!

Who the f*** is Prince? He hasn't been relevant since before he was just a symbol. Purple Rain was 60 years ago. And, now he is informing us all that the Internet is no longer relevant and on top of that compared it to MTV saying that it was once hip, but now is whack. I hope he wasn't planning on MTV showing any of his videos ever again.

Sounds like to me someone needed some attention before he drops his new CD which is sure to sell like hotcakes... really shitty hotcakes. In fact he's giving them away in Europe (because no one is going to buy that shit) they are so hot.

I hope he knows he sounds like a effin idiot.

http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2010/07/06/prince-the-internet-is-dead/

Things I Learned This Week

While other members of Tiger Wood's gang (bang) are getting paid for opening their mouths (in more ways than one) the biggest payout looks to be going to the chick who's gonna keep her mouth shut. Tiger is apparently going to shell out $750 million to estranged wife Elin Nordegren to not say one damn word about Tiger or his inability to keep it in his pants.

For $750 million I would let my wife cheat on me... hell, I'd arrange for the dates and make sure the gentlemen were refreshed before, during, and after by bringing them cool drinks and fresh fruit. "What? Her ass isn't up high enough... let me get a pillow under there for you... there, that better?" Just make that check out to the SlapHand, honey.

What the hell do you suppose Elin has on Tiger that he is willing to shell out three-quarters of a billion dollars to her to keep her yapper from flappin'. Apparently something that would be so damaging to his career that he is willing to pay up for some shut up... even if he should die before her. Whatever it is I bet it's juicy... and smells like fish.

___________________________________________

Speaking of shuttin' up, Mel Gibson needs to take note. Mel's baby's mama, Oksana Grigorieva, claims to have made tapes of Mel running off at the mouth again and she has made them available to Radar Online. In the tapes Mel is quoted as saying, "You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of Ni&&ers it will be your fault."

Damn... boy went right to the N-word, that ain't gonna sell well in the African-American community.

He also called her a "whore" and "psycho hunt" (but he didn't say hunt) and he also warned, "I am going to come and burn the f***ing house down, but you will blow me first."

I am thinking that is pretty presumptuous... whore and hunt, maybe... but I don't think Mel is gettin' a blow job before he burns her house down... just sayin'.

This begs one question... How slutty was she dressed that it screamed, "Hey you 6 black guys, I'm a pig, rape me!" Anyone got pictures of that outfit?

Of course all this negativity stems from an ugly separation and ensuing custody battle over the child they conceived together.

Not that anyone is keeping score buy I'd say, Hunt 1 - Crazy As Mell 0.
___________________________________________

If you pray for something hard enough it just might come true...

Lindsey Lohan got punched in the face.

Let me savor those words for a moment... Lindsey... Lohan... got punched... in the face.

That's so beautiful.

Apparently while sipping Red Bulls (yeah right) at an LA Club to celebrate her 24th birthday Lindsey got punched in her damn face by one of the waitresses. Apparently Lohan was sitting next to a guy that the waitress had a history with. This sounds like another case where one's reputation precedes themselves. In this case, the reputation is that of being a whore.

I can not tell you how much I hope that Lindsey's "Snookie" moment was caught on film. I am once again praying. Please don't disappoint me Lord.

___________________________________________

Finally, Sophie Turner was photographed stretching before her jog yesterday.

http://celebslam.celebuzz.com/2010/07/sophie-turner-boobs-exercise.php?bfm_index=0

And, I am now officially out of hand lotion

___________________________________________

Tiger - http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/elin-nordegrens-vow-silence-07-01-2010

Mel - http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/07/world-exclusive-more-mel-gibson-rants-caught-tape-calls-oksana-psycho-c

Lindsey - http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/punch_drunk_lindsay_lohan_gets_party_aqsAbLdNOPyDUa8Gir6hTJ?CMP=OTC-rss&FEEDNAME=