The End Is Near

Having lived in a state where snow was just part of the norm, it always makes me laugh at the panic that is created when a snow storm is predicted for Oklahoma.

It doesn't take much to shut down this state. With no significant snow removal system in place and with political correctness run amuck a couple of inches is enough to throw Oklahoma citizens into mass hysteria.

And, it's not just snow that causes a total closure of all state facilities... it's ice, rain... hell, we've cancelled school before because it was going to be really cold. When I asked my school administrator why we cancel school so often it always comes down to "safety."

That's a cop out excuse... "safety."

"We can't risk buses driving on slick roads, or kids standing out in the cold," they say.

I guess that makes sense... for pu$$ies.

It is a school after all and if I ask my kids what they learned while sitting at home playing XBox instead of going to class today they will say, "if there is a little snow... I don't have to go to work."
Yep, a big generation of a bunch of candy-a$$ wimps, that's what were creating. Generation Wus.

Now, I'm not shi#ing you when I tell you that my kids were off from school for 3 days last year due to "extreme cold weather conditions." There was no snow, ice or anything... just cold. And by cold, I mean temps in the teens and single digits. Not the -30's you get in Alaska or the whole month of January in North Dakota when it's hovering around 0. Three days... because of cold!

In the schools defense, the same administrator told me that some students don't have jackets... They told me that some kids will be sent to school in shorts when it's below freezing out because "that's what the kid wanted to wear." That's not a school problem... that's a parent problem. A dumba$$ parent problem. The school is just looking out for their little frozen butts since their parents don't have the sense God gave a dung beetle.

Yeah, a dung beetle.

A dung beetle will climb into a pile of crap to survive the elements, yet Jimmy's mom won't make Jimmy wear pants when it's 27 degrees out. DUMBA$$E$.

But, I digress.

I mostly blame the media for this and most all weather related panic. Oklahoma is infamous for their coverage of any storm system that bears down on our state. I can count on several nights of TV being interrupted or canceled completely each year so that we can watch the most famous weatherman in the world, Gary England, and his band of tornado chasing buffoons, chase a storm cell across the state. Don't think he's famous... he has a drinking game named after him, The Gary England Drinking Game (http://www.okstorms.com/chasing/other_weather/drinking_game.htm).

The guy has made a name for himself telling us about every shower and strong wind that has ever blown across Oklahoma.

And, by "ever," I mean since the beginning of time. I think he's 187.

That may be a conservative estimate. Let's just say he can tell you what the weather was like when Lincoln got shot... cause he was there. His report went like this; "Today was a nice April day with temps in the mid 60's, tomorrow the weather will take one last turn for the worse when we'll have a cool front move through state bringing us a chance for Spring showers and moderately cool weather. Temperatures will be in the upper 40's for the northern part of the state with low 50's in the south. Look for this to last a couple of days then I think we'll see 'ol Mr. Sunshine again and warmer temps for the later part of the week... oh, yeah, and President Lincoln was killed today."

He's old, long winded, and a weather nutbag. Hell, I've seen him talk for 15 minutes because of dust that the wind was blowing around on a hot July evening instead of being able to watch reruns of Seinfeld.

It's f***ing dust, get the Pledge out and get over it!

If it's weather related, it's big news in OK, and the weathermen are going to make a big deal about it, period... accept that now before it destroys you. Half the time the weathermen are on TV 24/7 telling us about some epidemic that is about to befall us and it never ends up happening. Then they act disappointed instead of relieved that it missed us. The local weathermen are better at causing panic then of attempting to advert it.

For example, this weeks storm began last week in the form of a mild ice storm and cold weather change after a weekend of 70 degree days. It read like this in the news... "enjoy the warm weather folks, cause starting next Monday you are probably going to die or suffer from life threatening hypothermia in a mild ice storm that will hit the state like a freight train hitting a baby stroller filled with un-weaned puppies."

OK, maybe I over dramatized it a bit, but I'm not that far off.

On Thursday both my kids came home from school with the news, "we're probably not going to have school next Tuesday and Wednesday... and maybe Thursday." A flake hasn't even hit the ground and my kids are already making play dates five days before the storm is supposed to hit cause the school is already telling my kids that they are closing.

My next big slap in the face came when my wife and I went to the grocery store. We walked in and were like "what the f*** is going on." The store was packed. It was like shopping for groceries on the Friday after Thanksgiving at Wal-Mart when they are selling laptops for $100.

People were freaking out.

Items like milk, water, and basic dry goods were cleaned off the shelves (which was fine, I live off of liquor and chips and salsa). We were walking the aisle asking ourselves, "did we miss something." Then I overheard some ladies talking about snow and I was like, "are you f***ing kidding me."

All this for what is predicted to be 6-10 inches of snow.

You'd think the Russians had parked some nukes off the coast of Florida with the way people were acting or that Justin Beiber was offering free tickets with a purchase of a gallon of milk. It was nuts.

I saw one lady claw out another ladies throat, Road House style, over the last 16oz block of Colby Jack cheese. It was Thunderdome.

Ok... I made that up.

But it was stoopid nuts.

This same thing happened last year. We got about 8 inches of snow. I got the day off work, so I wasn't really complaining, until I loaded my kids up in the SUV to go see a movie at 4pm and the theater was closed... along with the mall... and all the restaurants. I couldn't even get into a store to buy any sleds. Everything was SHUT DOWN.

I felt like Burgess Meredith in his famous Twilight Zone episode, "Time Enough At Last," where he ends up being the last man on earth and all he wants to do is read books... thousands of books, then he breaks his glasses. And, it was like, F***!

Everything was vacated.

And, if that wasn't bad enough... the next day, people did try to venture out. That was a day that tried my patience like no other.

See, I lived a large chunk of my life in Denver, CO and a 8 inch snow storm happens several times a year. You get used to those types of conditions. It's just another day there. So, perhaps it's for the best. After all, no Okie can drive in that s#!t (see post http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2011/01/driving-on-snow-perspective-from-guy.html). And, that would piss me off even more; having these f***ing morons try to get on the snow covered streets.

I guess I will just shut my mouth, enjoy my day (or two) off and watch the weather men scare the sh!t out of everyone all day long with "ICE WATCH 2011: COLD DEATH!"

God, I hope I have enough chips and salsa.

Top 5: Oscar Snubs

Well it's that time of year when Hollywood is patting itself on back for finding cures to cancer and solving worldwide hunger issues... uh, what... they're just making movies and getting paid millions to do it. That's my bad... I just thought with the constant barrage of movie awards we've seen and or are about to see that they must of done something pretty terrific, but yeah, making movies is right up there with resolving the heath care issue, so let me rephrase...

We'll it's that time of year when Hollywood is patting itself on the back for being totally and completely awesome... after all, name another industry that gives itself more awards than there are weeks in a year to televise them.

Anyway, the Oscars recently released their annual nominations for Best Movie, Best Actor, Best Actress, etc. and, as is standard, the media pointed out their short sightedness in quick fashion. Most notably this year, Andrew Garfield from 'The Social Network' and Mila Kunis from 'Black Swan' were not nominated for anything. Garfield I get, but Kunis... come on, have you seen that scene (the scene) with her and Natalie Portman... GREAT stuff! When is someone going to have an awards show for best girl on girl scene. That's an awards show that I watch. Just sayin.

Anyway, it got me to thinking what were some of the biggest Oscar snubs or mistakes of all time. And, since it's been awhile since I've done a top 5... well let's just say I'm throwing a rock and two birds.

5. Brad Pit - 12 Monkeys - Should have won for Best-Supporting Actor. Don't get me wrong Kevin Spacey was great in 'The Usual Suspects' but really all he did was gimp around and act like a puss. Not much of a stretch for Kevin Spacey. Pitt's performance was killer and stole the show. Another Pitt snub was for his single scene performance from True Romance when he played Floyd. They should make an award for "Best Cameo" or "Best Single Scene." That's an awesome idea if I have to say so myself. Think of it; Tom Cruise as Les Grossman in Tropic Thunder, Ben Stiller in The Legend of Ron Burgandy, and Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in every Kevin Smith film.

4. Paul Newman - Cool Hand Luke - Let's face it, Newman should probably have won about 5 Best Acting awards... it wasn't until he played Fast Eddie in The Color of Money that he finally did. Yes they skipped over him 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof', 'Hud', 'The Hustler', 'Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid', and of course 'Cool Hand Luke.' Losing that year to Rod Steiger for his performance from 'In The Heat of The Night.' Name me another Rod Steiger film. Hell, Newmans performance as Reggie Dunlop in Slap Shot was better than Steiger's Chief Gillespie. Ok, maybe that's a stretch... but I can tell you no one goes around quoting lines from 'In The Heat of The Night." Keep shaking that bush boy... keep shaking that bush. It should be noted that Steiger beat Dustin Hoffman to for his performance in 'The Graduate' too... really!

3. Saving Private Ryan - It wasn't so much that this movie didn't win Best Picture, but what did... Shakespeare in Love. Que? In what I would consider a WEAK year in Best Picture noms, Saving Private Ryan lost to Shakespeare in Love. The other nominees were Elizabeth, Life is Beautiful, and A Thin Red Line. After seeing any of these movies I would never see them again. I would never even want to see most of them in the first place ( exception; Thin Red Line). What crap is this? Saving Private Ryan was spectacular, it was huge, it gave a whole new generation a new respect for "the greatest generation." It made World War II matter again. And, what did it get... snubbed.

2. Apocalypse Now - Francis Ford Coppola's epic Vietnam drama was so complex and riveting that I don't think the Academy knew exactly what to do with it. Listed at #28 on the AFI Top 100 Films list, Apocalypse Now lost the Best Picture award to , 'Krammer vs. Krammer,' which isn't even on the list. Roger Ebert wrote in his review "Apocalypse Now achieves greatness not by analyzing our 'experience in Vietnam', but by re-creating, in characters and images, something of that experience." And, it took you through some pretty dark, f***ing experiences at that. Perhaps because it took us there is why it was snubbed in 1979.

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey - Number 22 on AFI's Top 100 Films list wasn't even nominated for Best Picture in 1968. The Academy instead chose to nominate 'Funny Girl,' 'The Lion In Winter,' 'Oliver' (winner), 'Rachel, Rachel,' and 'Romeo and Juliet.' None of which are on the top 100 list. Furthermore, in 1991 the Library of Congress selected it for preservation in the National Film Registry calling it "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant." Funny, I don't recall anyone saying that about 'Oliver.' The film is noted by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas as "hugely inspirational." Those guys are pretty good, I'll take their word for it.

Well, there you go, the biggest Oscar snubs and f***-ups ever. So, maybe Mila Kunis chowing down on Natalie Portman's box isn't in the top 5, it's still worthy of snubbery and, who knows, in 20 years maybe it'll make the top 5.

p.s. - Brad Pitt was a joke... sorta. The guy was awesome and deserved to win Best-Supporting Actor in 12 Monkeys, but snubbed? Not on this level...

5. Star Wars - This movie REWROTE the book on special effects in movies . It gave us 34 years of Star Wars lore, fan clubs, action figures, 5 more movies, cartoons out the a$$, Harrison Ford, the Force, Billions in sales. And, what did we give it... just a nomination for Best Picture. What the f*** has Annie Hall done for you lately.

Driving On Snow: A Perspective From The Guy Driving Behind You

Oklahoma experienced a little ice and snow fall last night and I had to follow you into work today, and I should tell you; you shouldn't be driving on the ice covered roads this morning... with your head up YOUR F***ING ASS!

Seriously, what the f*** were you thinking by grabbing your keys and stepping into that 2600 lb sled this morning. I'm not sure you should drive on a warm, sunny day, let alone, a slick and treacherous morning like this one.

You're a moron.

I especially liked it when you couldn't get stopped at the stop sign and stood on your brakes like you were going 107 mph and airborne, when in fact you were doing 4 mph... you're body was as straight as a board from your headrest to your brake peddle. I should point out that once you've slid past the stop sign and into the middle of the intersection that there is no need to stop at that point. You should probably just continue on, instead of coming to a complete stop then spinning your tires trying to take off like you were auditioning for the part of "Driver" in a Dukes of Hazard movie. And, then, because you slid through the stop sign, you went 10 mph the rest of the way to the highway... and I had to follow you for that whole time... that was great.

Anyway, thought I would take a minute to point out a few things to you and those drivers that think they need to be out today.

First of all; when the TV news anchorman tells you that if you are not "essential personnel" at your office to stay home, then you should listen to them. I want you to really consider your role at work and ask yourself, "is there a greater chance that someone is going to die because I didn't go into the office than if I get on the road." If there is not... stay home.

I would also like the news anchors to add to the "essential personal" list with the following; If you are in any way retarded, old, young, blind in one eye, afraid of spiders, bad at driving on a good day, has a car with bald tires, has a car with good tires but a bad driver, hates the color white, has any learning disabilities in your family tree going back 3 generations, if you don't know what ABS is, don't know what AWD is, don't know what ASS is (that's you, by the way), if you don't have any of these acronyms on your vehicle anywhere, if you cry easily, if you get emotional at sad commercials or have had a pet die in the last 10 days, if you might be driving with a child, if you plan on texting your friends that "it is icy out" while driving, if you think it's ok to wear either shorts when it is 22 degrees out or extremely long pointy shoes at any time in your life, if you think driving 5-10 mph and holding up traffic for 2 1/2 miles is a good idea, if you don't have a death wish, if you would not like me to park my Ford F-150 up your ass... then you need to stay off the roads today.

Second, here are some driving tips if you do venture out. Plan ahead, pay attention, know your route, give yourself plenty of time to stop, don't make sharp or sudden turns, don't pull out to close to anyone (remember they can't stop suddenly) and keep your head out of your ass. That last point is key. If you are going to drive with your head up your ass, just stay home.

It should be noted that most accidents occur on the ice because of braking... when you brake you lose a lot of ability to steer your vehicle... sometimes you just gotta drive through it, or hopefully, around it.

Third... don't be a part of the problem if you don't have to be. If you are not comfortable on the ice just stay the f*** home cause all you're doing is pissing those of us that have to be out in the ice right the f*** off.

And, last... if you are out on the ice and cause an accident... die. Cause if you ain't dead and I've wrecked my car because of you, I'm gonna beat your ass. I don't care if your legs are crushed and you are bleeding from your eye sockets, I'm gonna punch you in your damn face for driving on a day like today.

Enjoy your day home.

Rantin' and Ravin' and Other News

To Whom It May Concern:

I hope this rant finds you well.

First or all, it should be noted that I am in a particularly pissed off mood. I do not know why but warning has been served. Perhaps it's due to the fact that my favorite basketball team, the Denver Nuggets, is in disarray and are about to be imploded (f***ing trade Melo already, you’re team chemistry is for sh!t... I don't care if only get a used lawnmower back, just dump him). Or, perhaps it’s just that I have been witness to several different acts of ignorance over the past few days and I guess I have just been letting them get to me. For Example.

While at my kids indoor soccer games last night some douche bag sitting in front of me was in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops like it was the middle of July. For those of you who do not know, I live in Oklahoma, and the outside temperature last night was a balmy 22 degrees at game time. This prick was proudly raving that "it's not cold out. I'm from North Dakota and this is like a summer day up there."

I don't care who you are, if you live in North Dakota, South Dakota, Antarctica, if you're a f***ing Eskimo. 22 degrees is cold. Fine, I get it, the cold doesn't bother you. But, you look like a f***ing idiot in your shorts and flip flops when there's snow flurries on the ground. I wanna punch you in your damn cold face.

I would like to also point out that his kid was dressed for winter; jeans, sweatshirt, heavy coat. if it ain't cold why don't you put that som-b!tch in some flippy-floppys. Didn't think so dumbass.

And, just because it's cold doesn't mean the roads are slick, so to the old man I was driving behind this morning. SPEED THE F*** UP! Going 25 in a 45 should be a crime punishable by a swift ass kickin.

And, on a completely different subject; if you are on Facebook and you are using a picture of your dog as your profile picture. Change it motherf***er. I had some chick I went to school with friend request me whom I vaguely remember. Her Facebook profile picture didn’t help be out because it was of a fluffy white dog. I replied back to her and said I always thought she was a bitch and now her picture proves it.

Ok, that didn't happen, but let me tell you what did… DENIED! No friend for you.

Also, and this is a personal problem, but I have 208 friends on Facebook. Why? I couldn't pick but about 2/3rds of them out of a crowd and I'd need help with most of the other names. I guess one feels obligated to accept anyone they have a past history with, but more and more I am feeling that that is completely stupid. I feel a purge coming on. If you’re reading this you’re probably safe… probably.

I hate people who wear those stupid ass overly pointy shoes (see pic), that make their feet look 4 sizes larger than they actually are. You know the ones. They are super trendy, italian, and usually in lime green or purple.

I got a real issue with men, especially, wearing pointy shoes. You should know you look like a f***ing court jester in those clown shoes. Dance for me jester… dance boy!

In local news, a man in Bethany, OK, Reginald Scott Bartlett, recently stabbed his wife to death after she caught him viewing porn on the computer (we know what that means… yep, he was milking his pig). After arguing with him the man “snapped” grabbed a knife and stabbed her several times. He then went shopping for golf clubs. After a bit he went back home and called the cops.

Look ladies. All men look at porn. Accept than now before it destroys you… literally. See, we’re pigs. We can’t help it. That’s just the way it is; call it DNA, or wiring… we’re all just a little bit freaky and we love naked ladies. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT b!tch at us for it. If you’re curious, ask us about it, and use it. Seriously, we are more than likely willing to have sex with you, if you ask, while we are looking at porn... if you do not want to have sex with us, that is why we are looking at porn. That’s just a free bit of advice from the Slaphand.

Don’t misunderstand; I don’t condone Reginald’s actions. But, it’s sorta like the late, great Sam Kinison always said, “I don’t condone domestic violence… but I understand it.” I’m just saying there is a less abrasive way to address the subject than to just throw a fit. Might I suggest lending a hand? HA

Now if Reggie was running up thousands of dollars in charges looking at porn, b!tch shoulda grabbed the knife first. Just sayin.

http://www.newsok.com/article/3531188

Another interesting news story… By now I’m sure you have all heard the story of Ted Williams. If not, Ted was a homeless man, living on the streets of Columbus, OH when a local news reporter questioned Williams panhandling sign that stated he was down and out, but “had the gift of voice.” Williams gave him a few lines that sounded like they came from God’s emcee… it was this deep, honeyed, professional voice. The video went viral on the internet and now Williams has been offered several jobs, a house from the Cleveland Cavilers, and countless interviews from all types of media outlets including Dr. Phil and Entertainment Weekly.

While in L.A. to film the Dr. Phil spot Williams got into a spat at a hotel with his daughter, that had traveled with him, and the cops were called in by other guest. Williams and his daughter were questioned and released. I guess you can take a man off the streets but sometimes you can’t get the street off the man.

Anyway, one hotel guest said he didn’t know what they were arguing about but it was loud and sounded like Kasey Kasam if he were in a really bad mood. He said he could listen to Williams argue in that sultry voice all night long… he didn’t know if Williams “wanted to kill the girl he was arguing with or give her ‘A BRAND NEW CAR!’ His voice was like butter. It was like being chewed out by angels.”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110112/ap_en_tv/us_homeless_radio_voice

p.s. I hate it when men wear flip flops... unless you are on a beach or in a men's locker room shower. I want to take them off the persons feet and slap them right across their damn face with the flip flop when I see them on people.

Things I Learned This Week: The "Uh...What" Edition.

Ok, there are stupid questions.

Anderson Cooper brought 80's 'Growing Pains' star and born again Christian, Kirk Cameron, onto his show this past week to ask him about the mysterious bird and fish deaths around the world.

uh... what?

WTF does Kirk Cameron know about dead birds and fish. Well, as Cameron gently puts it to the dumbass (Cooper) that asked the question, "Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I'm not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it's -- it's really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some time -- some kind of an end-times theory."

Let me sarcastically translate that to my fellow readers, "Are you f***ing serious, that's why you had me come on the show, to talk about a bunch of dead f***ing birds, who gives a sh!t... for Christ sake Anderson you're an award winning journalist and you're pulling this out of your a$$. Go f*** yourself you dimwit."

That's a loose translation but I feel it's pretty balls on.

In Anderson's defense he did try to cross reference the mass bird and fish deaths that whack jobs contribute to crazy end of the world theories with the fact that Cameron starred in an popular Christian apocalyptic series called 'Left Behind," filmed in the early 2000's. I guess because he starred in this religious end of days movie, that, in Anderson's mind, this qualified him to discuss the possibility that dead birds = the apocalypse. At least Cameron had the gumption to admit that he is not an expert on the subject and even tried to dissuade viewers from believing that this is a sign of the end of the world unlike most paranoid Christian nut bags.

http://www.tvguide.com/News/Kirk-Cameron-Birds-1027442.aspx?rss=breakingnews
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I am the consensus #1 pick in the NFL draft and I will be guaranteed $50 million dollars and all the tail I can swing with... nay, I think I'll just stay in school and get my degree in Architecture.

uh... what?

That's what Stanford standout quarterback and future Architect, Andrew Luck, recently said to the world. Luck is passing up a guaranteed fifty million dollar contract for the 1st round pick because he wants to graduate with his degree in Architecture from Stanford.

Even if he is the #1 pick in next years draft he stands to lose, at least, $20 million of that $50 million because the NFL is in a contract year and one of the key sticking points is how much untested rookies are being paid for being in the top tier of draft picks. Plus, lets say some sh!t hot running back from Kansas State blows everyone's minds by rushing for 1600 yards 25 touchdowns, and does so by running through brick walls and 350 lb linemen and wins the Heisman and now all of the sudden every team wants him instead of Luck... then he would lose that much more money. And, on top of it all, he risk losing it all due to injury, poor performance, or just plain a$$ bad luck, all for his degree.

I thought kids that went to Stanford were supposed to be really smart and this is the dumbest f***ing decision in the world. I don't know if anyone has sat jr. down and explained to him... you can still work towards your degree and play professional football while collecting a big 'ol check from some NFL team. And, oh by the way if you blow out your ACL or get hit in the head to hard playing for Stanford... you might still be able to draw me a condo but you are not going to be doing it with $50 million dollars in the bank.

If he'd at least said he wanted to play for a National Championship I could see that... a little bit... but he loses 3 offensive linemen and his tight end and quite possibly his coach, Jim Harbaugh... because Harbaugh's no moron; teams are talking about paying him $6-7 million to coach in the NFL and he knows that's a lot more cheddar than the $1.5 he's making at Stanford.

Andrew, pull your head out of your butt and declare for the draft.

On the other side of the ball, I did talk to one guy that really appreciates your decision; Blane Gabbert says "thanks (dumbass)."

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=5995754
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In local news; Just because you are a really successful mayor doesn't mean your really successful at everything.

The Oklahoma City mayor is splitting from his wife of 32 years citing "total irreconcilable incompatibility."

uh... what?

I'm no marriage counselor but if it's total irreconcilable incompatibility then you gotta have a whole lot of hate for that person. To write something like that means that every fiber and thought in your body is the exact polar opposite of the whore your divorcing.

But, wow! Mayor Mick is going to the big "D." This is the same guy that put the entire city of Oklahoma City on a diet and got invited to the Today Show and Ellen DeGeneres show to talk about it... the same guy that has keep OKC in a relative good economy despite the sh!t tank that every other metro area in the country has fallen in... the same guy that had the fore site to bring a homeless NBA team (New Orleans) to town knowing that eventually the NBA would assist in placing another team (Seattle--dumbasses) here eventually thus increasing the economy of the downtown area by millions, possibly billions of dollars... the same guy that recently was elected the 2nd best mayor in the whole f***ing world by the London based World Mayor Project.

Yep... that's the one.

Despite accomplishing all that he just couldn't stand to be married to that life sucking b!tch one minute longer. That says a lot.

In response, the mayors future ex-wife stated that it was a very personal, emotional, and painful decision and that if followed years of marital counseling. She also added, "I still love him and want to stay married. It was not a mutual decision."

When asked for a response a spokesman for the mayor said that the mayor "will have no further comment on the matter," which is a polite way of saying "F*** that!"

p.s. I think he's f***ing someone on the side already. You wait... it'll get spilled by the press soon. He'll be seen out on the town with his former secretary or something.

http://newsok.com/mayors-wife-responds-to-filing/article/3529880#ixzz1AH2FJWo6