The End Is Near

Having lived in a state where snow was just part of the norm, it always makes me laugh at the panic that is created when a snow storm is predicted for Oklahoma.

It doesn't take much to shut down this state. With no significant snow removal system in place and with political correctness run amuck a couple of inches is enough to throw Oklahoma citizens into mass hysteria.

And, it's not just snow that causes a total closure of all state facilities... it's ice, rain... hell, we've cancelled school before because it was going to be really cold. When I asked my school administrator why we cancel school so often it always comes down to "safety."

That's a cop out excuse... "safety."

"We can't risk buses driving on slick roads, or kids standing out in the cold," they say.

I guess that makes sense... for pu$$ies.

It is a school after all and if I ask my kids what they learned while sitting at home playing XBox instead of going to class today they will say, "if there is a little snow... I don't have to go to work."
Yep, a big generation of a bunch of candy-a$$ wimps, that's what were creating. Generation Wus.

Now, I'm not shi#ing you when I tell you that my kids were off from school for 3 days last year due to "extreme cold weather conditions." There was no snow, ice or anything... just cold. And by cold, I mean temps in the teens and single digits. Not the -30's you get in Alaska or the whole month of January in North Dakota when it's hovering around 0. Three days... because of cold!

In the schools defense, the same administrator told me that some students don't have jackets... They told me that some kids will be sent to school in shorts when it's below freezing out because "that's what the kid wanted to wear." That's not a school problem... that's a parent problem. A dumba$$ parent problem. The school is just looking out for their little frozen butts since their parents don't have the sense God gave a dung beetle.

Yeah, a dung beetle.

A dung beetle will climb into a pile of crap to survive the elements, yet Jimmy's mom won't make Jimmy wear pants when it's 27 degrees out. DUMBA$$E$.

But, I digress.

I mostly blame the media for this and most all weather related panic. Oklahoma is infamous for their coverage of any storm system that bears down on our state. I can count on several nights of TV being interrupted or canceled completely each year so that we can watch the most famous weatherman in the world, Gary England, and his band of tornado chasing buffoons, chase a storm cell across the state. Don't think he's famous... he has a drinking game named after him, The Gary England Drinking Game (http://www.okstorms.com/chasing/other_weather/drinking_game.htm).

The guy has made a name for himself telling us about every shower and strong wind that has ever blown across Oklahoma.

And, by "ever," I mean since the beginning of time. I think he's 187.

That may be a conservative estimate. Let's just say he can tell you what the weather was like when Lincoln got shot... cause he was there. His report went like this; "Today was a nice April day with temps in the mid 60's, tomorrow the weather will take one last turn for the worse when we'll have a cool front move through state bringing us a chance for Spring showers and moderately cool weather. Temperatures will be in the upper 40's for the northern part of the state with low 50's in the south. Look for this to last a couple of days then I think we'll see 'ol Mr. Sunshine again and warmer temps for the later part of the week... oh, yeah, and President Lincoln was killed today."

He's old, long winded, and a weather nutbag. Hell, I've seen him talk for 15 minutes because of dust that the wind was blowing around on a hot July evening instead of being able to watch reruns of Seinfeld.

It's f***ing dust, get the Pledge out and get over it!

If it's weather related, it's big news in OK, and the weathermen are going to make a big deal about it, period... accept that now before it destroys you. Half the time the weathermen are on TV 24/7 telling us about some epidemic that is about to befall us and it never ends up happening. Then they act disappointed instead of relieved that it missed us. The local weathermen are better at causing panic then of attempting to advert it.

For example, this weeks storm began last week in the form of a mild ice storm and cold weather change after a weekend of 70 degree days. It read like this in the news... "enjoy the warm weather folks, cause starting next Monday you are probably going to die or suffer from life threatening hypothermia in a mild ice storm that will hit the state like a freight train hitting a baby stroller filled with un-weaned puppies."

OK, maybe I over dramatized it a bit, but I'm not that far off.

On Thursday both my kids came home from school with the news, "we're probably not going to have school next Tuesday and Wednesday... and maybe Thursday." A flake hasn't even hit the ground and my kids are already making play dates five days before the storm is supposed to hit cause the school is already telling my kids that they are closing.

My next big slap in the face came when my wife and I went to the grocery store. We walked in and were like "what the f*** is going on." The store was packed. It was like shopping for groceries on the Friday after Thanksgiving at Wal-Mart when they are selling laptops for $100.

People were freaking out.

Items like milk, water, and basic dry goods were cleaned off the shelves (which was fine, I live off of liquor and chips and salsa). We were walking the aisle asking ourselves, "did we miss something." Then I overheard some ladies talking about snow and I was like, "are you f***ing kidding me."

All this for what is predicted to be 6-10 inches of snow.

You'd think the Russians had parked some nukes off the coast of Florida with the way people were acting or that Justin Beiber was offering free tickets with a purchase of a gallon of milk. It was nuts.

I saw one lady claw out another ladies throat, Road House style, over the last 16oz block of Colby Jack cheese. It was Thunderdome.

Ok... I made that up.

But it was stoopid nuts.

This same thing happened last year. We got about 8 inches of snow. I got the day off work, so I wasn't really complaining, until I loaded my kids up in the SUV to go see a movie at 4pm and the theater was closed... along with the mall... and all the restaurants. I couldn't even get into a store to buy any sleds. Everything was SHUT DOWN.

I felt like Burgess Meredith in his famous Twilight Zone episode, "Time Enough At Last," where he ends up being the last man on earth and all he wants to do is read books... thousands of books, then he breaks his glasses. And, it was like, F***!

Everything was vacated.

And, if that wasn't bad enough... the next day, people did try to venture out. That was a day that tried my patience like no other.

See, I lived a large chunk of my life in Denver, CO and a 8 inch snow storm happens several times a year. You get used to those types of conditions. It's just another day there. So, perhaps it's for the best. After all, no Okie can drive in that s#!t (see post http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2011/01/driving-on-snow-perspective-from-guy.html). And, that would piss me off even more; having these f***ing morons try to get on the snow covered streets.

I guess I will just shut my mouth, enjoy my day (or two) off and watch the weather men scare the sh!t out of everyone all day long with "ICE WATCH 2011: COLD DEATH!"

God, I hope I have enough chips and salsa.