The End is Near and Other Excuses

Well boys and girls my vacation is over. And, just in time for the end of the world. Yes, according to some Christians this Saturday Jesus Christ will come back to earth and gather all of his faithful to take back to heaven. I doubt I get to join them so I will probably be left here on earth to slug it out with the zombie hordes and non-believers until October 21 when the world cataclysmicly comes to an end.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/05/19/rapture-movement-predicts-end-world-saturday/

The belief started in California (where else) when Harold Camping, owner of Family Radio Worldwide, an independent ministry, began broadcasting his prediction around the world.

On Monday a group called eBible Fellowship, a group who has been spreading Camping's word, met for the last time as an organization to say goodbye to one-another and to pray.

I wonder what that little party was like. Was it like a get-together when someone is leaving for a long period of time or more like a wake? I mean, seriously, this is a group of people that honestly believe that Saturday is the last day of the world. What kind of Debbie-downer party that must of been.

Personally I've been trying to use the talk of our demise to get sex from my wife... I mean if I'm going out, I'm going out on a high note. However, my wife is a non-believer and so far has not succumbed to my pleads for, what I am calling, Apocalyptic Sex. There's make-up sex, there's kids are away at grandmas for the weekend sex, there's "ok, just go ahead and do it" sex but Apocalyptic Sex is bound to be the greatest of them all.

Anyway, all this apocalyptic talk is taking away from my message here. I've been ignoring my little blog for the past couple of months not due to me diligently preparing for the end time, but rather just for two reasons: sheer busyness in my real life and lack of inspiration and will.

Oh sure there we've missed some exciting times.

- Lindsay Lohan pleaded out... of course, and won't spend a day in jail. She could walk into the eBible end of the world party and shoot all of them believers in the head and plead that they were all gonna die on Saturday anyway and just walk away with a stern preaching from the judge and 2 weeks community service. It could happen.

- Charlie Sheen lost his gawd damn mind. You've heard the saying, "crazier than a sh!t-house rat." Well, Charlie makes that rat look pretty credible member of society. How do you f*** up a gig that pays you $2 million to shoot a few scenes for a T.V. Show. He's complained that Chuck Lorre is manipulative and deceitful... BFD, you're making 2 mil a show... f***, I'd have sucked his d!ck for 2 mil a show. (Does that sound gay)

- We killed Osama Bin Laden. I loved how the media has stated that he was living in a mansion in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Look, I've seen a few mansions before and Osama wasn't in one. Granted he wasn't in a cave, sh!tting in a bucket, but come on, they weren't gonna feature his place on cribs anytime soon. I also love how the Pakistanis are acting all tough after we ventured into their country. If I was President I'd simply say, "look Pak... if I want any lip from you I'll scrap it off my damn zipper." And, Pakistan, if you don't want us there, stop us, then see what kinda sh!t storm that ignites. You were knowingly/unknowingly harbouring the most wanted man in the world... simply say, "our bad... glad you got the SOB" and get over it.

- Heidi Montag hasn't shown us her boobs, but recently announced she needed some time off from fame before starting her new show called Famous Food where she and a few other quasi-famous people do something with food, blah di frickin blah... SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!

- People in the Midwest are sick of rain. At first I was like, what did they do but then I remember that all those flooded rivers drain into New Orleans... and god hates New Orleans. How else to explain Katrina, Rita, the worst economy in the country, and oil spills. What's that you say, what about the Super Bowl? That's sorta like giving a death row inmate a final meal, I say. Trust me, the end is near... probably this Saturday.

Anyway, there's tons of other stuff I missed, so sorry for that... but hopefully I can find a little spark to continue to talk sh!t about. Look back soon for more.