I've been known to have a messy vehicle; a candy wrapper on the floor board, the occasional empty McDonalds cup in the cup holder, etc... but never, I mean NEVER, have I had shit piled half way up my passenger window. Come on man, clean that crap out... just open the door and half would end up getting picked up by some kid working community service trash detail.

Top Five Cover Songs

These are the top 5 cover songs of all time based on a survey of one. In no particular order...

1. "Hurt" by Johnny Cash (Nine Inch Nails) - Cash did such a number on this Nine Inch Nails original it introduced a whole new generation to his music. He expressed such emotion with his voice and truly heartfelt musical remorse that the cords echo long after the song is done. This song epitomises the deep emotions he must have faced at the end of his life. Cash owns this song and uses it to call forth the demons that haunt him.

2. "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm (Michael Jackson) - Seriously would you know these guys if it weren't for this song. AAF takes a great R&B classic and rock it out. To top it off they filmed a great video to go with this song making light of Jacksons unique persona, check it out at You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDeFYDk8atg

3. "Live and Let Die" by Guns and Roses (Wings) - McCartney did good by this 007 theme song, but Axel Rose and Slash rocked the shit out of it.

4. "All Along the Watchtower" by Jimi Hendrix (Bob Dylan) - Hendrix made this song what it is. You didn't even know Bob Dylan sang this song, did you? The only reason Dylans version is important is because without it Jimi couldn't have come up with such a masterpiece.

5. "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston (Dolly Parton) - No I am not gay. And, don't pretend that you don't try belting this out a capela style when it comes on the radio while picturing Kevin Costner cutting a scarf in half in your basement. PS - it was Costners idea for Houston to sing the opening a capela.

Good News in a Bad Economy

In yet another indicator of a slipping economy women are turning to stripping and porn to help weather a bad economy. Like much of America more and more women are finding themselves out of work lately and are turning to strip clubs and Larry Flint to help foot the bills during these rough economic times.

Well alriiiight!

See related article at: http://www.dailyfinance.com/2009/03/23/bleak-economy-drives-more-women-to-stripping-sad-not-salacious/

According to recent reports the tough job market is prompting a growing number of women across the country to dance in strip clubs, appear in adult movies or pose for magazines like Hustler.

Isn't that just like a woman; one day she's on your case for surfin' porn on the internet or going to the strip club with the guys then next she's applin' for a job at said club and now you're finding HER picture on the internet. And, who the hell is that guy she's with.

Awwwwwwesome.

I guess another way to put it is a growing number of women are going from the board room to the champange room. HELLS YEAH!

At least they got something... no one is going to pay to see my ass naked.

Pope Doesn't Use a Condom

When will the Catholic Church finally modernize their religion?

Check out the related article at http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/03/17/cameroon.pope/index.html?iref=newssearch.

In the article, Pope Benedict XVI refused on 3/18/09 to soften the Vatican's ban on condom use as he arrived in Africa for his first visit to the continent as pope. Pope Benedict has always made it clear he intends to uphold the traditional Catholic teaching on artificial contraception. With the chance of becoming HIV positive in Africa about as good as getting hot in Africa maybe, just maybe the Catholics Big Don is Big Wrong.

Let me break it down like this. Quit being part of the problem and start being part of the solution. It's time to modernize the Catholic religion. The first step is to take a more relaxed approach when it comes to birth control. Although a condom is not going to single-handedly solve Africa's HIV/AIDS problem it is going to help... immensely. The church has long been opposed to the use of condoms and other forms of birth control because it strongly believes that sex is for procreation and enriching the union of a married couple. This coming from a community that doesn't allow its leaders to either procreate or be married... which brings me to step two in the modernization process; have some sex, for christ sake.

I'm not talking sex with 10 year old boys either, I'm talking some good ol' man/woman sex. If the Catholic powers that be would allow their priest to experience sexual relationships I believe they would see a great increase in the numbers of people wanting to be priest. This new practice would also allow priest to release their repressed sexual energy with people they don't have to manipulate into sex, like 10 year old alter boys. Instead a priest could meet a check in a bar and use awesome lines like; "ever do it in a confessional," or, "i'd like to anoint you with my holy water." This experience would also give a priest that is helping couples cope with marriage issues a better insight into the whole marriage dynamic.

Change number three; if they are having sex, they may as well be able to get married too. Why not? Again, marriage would increase the number of people willing to be priest. And, again it would give priest a greater knowledge on the dynamics of married life; an appreciation, if you will, of the trials and tribulations married couples experiance. For example, when a man complains that his wife doesn't put out enough, a priest wouldn't have to say the religeously correct "Marriage is not all about physical love, but the love we feel in our hearts for our wives, our children, and our god," or some other B.S. No. Instead he would turn to the wife and say, "What the f$%k is your problem woman."

There are other changes to; women priest, abortion, interpretations of the bible, Wii Church (Thats my own invention, going to church via your Wii, that's a million dollar idea right there) etc. The point is. The world has changed. Catholicism needs to change too. And with more than 22 million people in sub-Saharan Africa infected with HIV, and with 1.5 million people having died of the disease in 2007, perhaps allowing a few guys to wrap their root is a good start. Come on Pope-E B, get with it.

Tattoo Barbie

Mattel recently announced the release of a new "Tattoo Barbie." (Article:http://kdka.com/watercooler/barbie.tattoo.mattel.2.950549.html). Mattel, capitolizing on a great marketing plan (Sue the competitor for so much money they have to close up shop), hopes to slut up Barbie enough to take over the void left by the now defunct Bratz girls.

Thier first step into this edgier market is to tat that bitch up. Yes, your child and Barbie can spend a couple of hours each day gettin inked. I can see it now; a nice heart on her lower hip, a little angel on her ankle, a couple of roses with the word LOVE on her boob, or the ever awesome cherry with date by her snatch signifying the date she lost her virginity to Ken. And, these same tattoos could also be put on Barbie.

Anyway, Slap Hand would like to suggest the following Barbie Edge Series followups:

Pass Out at 2:30 Frat Toy Barbie - She comes complete with several empty cans of cheap domestic beer and a bottle of vodka. Frat Toy Barbie can also be "squeeked" with a sharpie (sold seperatly) and used like a garden empliment. Frat Toy Barbie is a popular compliment to the Sigma Omega Frat Boy Ken. Spend hours getting Barbie drunk and working her like a migrant farm employee.

Meth Head Barbie - A favorite of midwestern pre teens. Meth Head Barbie with her brown snarled teeth and bruised arms and body is an awesome addition to any collection. Also purchase the Barbie Trailer House / Meth Lab with complimentay bunsen burners, glass vials, and cases of Sudafed. If the cops break in just plan on a quick get-away in the 1985 yellow Ford Escort with 1 red door. But watch out for the Trailer House EXPLOSION action.

Bunny Ranch Barbie with Double Team Action - Based on one of the popular HBO series Bunny Ranch girls, this Barbie is crazy flexable and has the ability to put her legs behind her head. Your daugher will also be impressed when she presses the button on Barbies back actuating Barbies Double Team Action making her accessable to TWO Kens. Nothing says childhood fun like Barbie getting double tapped.

And last but not least

Talking Corporate Barbie - I know what your thinking, that's not to bad... With the push of a button Talking Corporate Barbie says things like, "Hi Mr. Smith, would you like to do me today, hehe, I mean, what would you like me to do today," "Is my skirt short enough to get a raise... in your pants," "Does your wife know you're working my ass late... literally," and finally, "mum mum mum mum mum, not in my hair okay, mum mum."

Yes, thank you Mattel for helping mold our daughters into the pillars of soceity all dirty men hope they will be.