The World Stopped for 13 Minutes

Tiger Woods broke his 3 months of silence today when he came forward and told us absolutely nothing new about his plight. In a well prepared and thought out speech (done by some his PR folks, IMG, that are banking right now) Tiger Woods told us jack squat. Let me sum up 13 minutes in a couple of lines... "I'm sorry, I cheated, I am seeking help, it's not Elin's fault, I'll play golf again... someday."

You know, I always thought of Tiger as a machine... I mean the guy goes out on the golf course and does the same thing over and over and kicks ass. He's like a terminator... he will not stop... ever! But, this was always just a metaphor. Until now. I actually believe that Tiger is a robot. He is a machine. Did you hear his speech? Robotic I tell you... he spoke... like this... "I am very sorry... I have been bad... I am going... to continue... to try... to convince you... I... am... not... a... robot (queue watery eyes)."

You know what else I loathed about this contrived speech other than the tone, that he apologized to his sponsors before he apologized to his dads memory and the kids that idolize him. That right there tells you what is more important to Tiger. "I am sorry I am losing millions, oh, and that I f***ed everything in sight."

The guy is a complete control freak. Everything seemed to come off just a little to planned. From only allowing his people in the room, to reading off his prepared speech verbatim, to not allowing anyone to ask questions. I can hear his PR guys telling the producer now... "hey man, we can't program the robot to answer the questions that fast, so you're gonna have to nix the Q&A, man."

I just don't get it. Why not explain what happened and be done with it. Tiger left so much out there for speculation. He has never explained what happened on Thanksgiving. Never addressed the women who are making claims, never explained his disappearing act, never talked about his "rehab." He has never addressed any rumor, true or contrived. So, what does he expect?

His privacy?

You gave that up when you started making millions on your game and on your image. Sorry. That's what you give up, to a certain degree, when you accept your role as a celebrity. Ask any of them. They may not like it but that is what you give up for all the perks that celebrity brings you... and there are plenty!!! Endorsements, money, upgrades on everything from airline seats, to cars, to free meals and drinks, and apparently all the tits and ass you can handle.

So, if you want to end the suffering, the reporters waiting outside your gates, the helicopters buzzing overhead, the constant and non-stop hounding... then you gotta rip that band aid off.

See, I'm a rip the band aid off kinda guy. I don't want to slowly peel it off so that I feel each hair getting pulled out of my skin. Just rip it off and deal with the pain all at once then start the recovery process. If I'm him I'd fire IMG (his image reps) and hire someone who isn't trying to milk this paycheck for all it's worth. Someone that would say... you want to be done with this shit, do this...

1. (grab the band aid) Tell Elin everything. If you want to stay married to her then ask her to stay married and quit f***ing everything. Get help if you need it. Get counseling. Cause you definitely need to work some shit out. If you don't want to be married, then grant her a divorce and give her some money... you got plenty. And the kids... look you can still be a good dad even if you were a shitty husband. BE A GOOD DAD! (if you ask my opinion, I'd say divorce)

2. (rip that bitch off) Call a bunch of reporters into a room, tell them what happened on Thanksgiving. Tell them you slept with a lot of women. Tell them how Elin found out. Answer questions. Next, give a one on one with Barbara Walters (or someone of the like), and speak from the heart. Tell her you know you let a lot of people down and that your sorry. Say it once! Any other apologies you need to make face to face; i.e. sponsors (even if they dropped you), family, friends, fellow golfers. Get the info out there so there are no more questions to be asked. The truth is always easier.

3. (say "ouch" and recover) PLAY GOLF. As soon as you start winning on the golf course this crap goes away. It'll take a little time for the golf announcers to stop mentioning it, but after a few months and a few wins... all it will be is about how you overcame such diversity instead of what you did. It will become another strength; your transgressions will become an asset.

But no one asked me. And your still dealing with the same shit. Even after your Terminator speech.

The Day After

Today should be a national holiday... so why are we working?

I know your nursing a hangover, indigestion, and a lack of sleep due to the previous two items. You celebrated with 100 million Americans last night and although there was no Declaration of Independence issued, nor savior of man born this day, the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday should be a national holiday!

Name another event that brings Americans together like the Super Bowl that is not a national holiday. An estimated 100 million people watched the game in the U.S. We can barely get that many people to vote in a presidential election, let alone agree on such topics as Health Care, Iraq, Afghanistan, and which hussy the bachelor should pick.

Such occasion to unify as a nation should be recognized. Call it Super Monday, American Sports Day, National Hangover Recovery day... call it Presidents Day and move that weak ass holiday to the day after the Super Bowl... whatever, just give us our day... our day to celebrate our national unity and for me to rid myself of this gawd-awful 7-n-seven induced headache.

For all those interested in making the Monday following Super Bowl Sunday a National Holiday I highly encourage you to visit http://www.superbowlmonday.com/

They are trying, you can help!

Tom Watson Signs Up For Ass-Kicking

Someone please put Tom Watson's name on the list people who are going to get their asses kicked once Tiger Woods starts swinging clubs again.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SPORT/02/03/dubai.watson.woods/index.html?hpt=C2

In a bold statement, that is comparable to pissing in a rattlesnakes face or stuffing a firecracker up an alligators ass, Tom Watson has come forward and made some critical statements concerning Woods and his lack of ability to keep it in his pants and his golf course etiquette.

Watson has graciously offered this advice... come out and admit that you were wrong and that you want to be a better husband to your wife and also, try to be a better, more professional, golfer while on the course ( I guess Tiger is prone to cussing when he f***s up).

Watson may just have well painted a target on his back.

Seriously, I can't imagine Watson having the balls to say any of this to Tigers face and wouldn't even have thought it prior to all of Tiger's infidelities and current low point in life. Before all that everyone, Watson included, was kissing Tigers ass instead of insulting it. You figure that purse sizes have doubled and tripled since Tiger started playing in these tournaments. TV sponsorship is up 10-fold. Golf is the 4th biggest TV sport behind Football, BBall, and Baseball, and it was 23rd before Tiger (yes, I'm exaggerating). Regardless, they owe Tiger A LOT and this is the kind of sh!t they pull

Watson should know Tiger has a little Michael Jordan in 'em... when ever anyone started talking trash to Jordan he'd light 'em up for like 45 and embarrass them in the process. Tiger's the same way. Wait till Tiger is trading the lead with Watson, or, better yet, wait till they are partnered up one day. Tiger will set a course record guaranteed.

The one thing Watson has going for him though is age. The chances he'll face Tiger one on one or even in a group again are slim. But when it happens... LOOK OUT!

Jesper Parnevik, on the other had, is a guy Tiger will probably face in the future and he too is another guy who raised his hand when they asked for volunteers to get their ass kicked by Tiger in the future.

http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=4733865

Elin used to be Jesper's nanny and, supposedly, he set Tiger and Elin up to begin with. Consequently he feels somewhat responsible for the situation and unfortunately, for him, said so... in some not so Tiger friendly words. He'll soon be picking the pieces of his ass up out of the grass at a golf course near you.

Just ask Ben Crane and Charles Gordon about regretful comments... both were supposedly quoted saying some disparaging remarks about Tiger , however these two smackoffs were smart enough to realize the implications. Both have since retracted their statements with Crane saying, "Insult Tiger, nooooo, that'd be like asking to f*** Sonny Corleone's wife in the a$$. It's only going to end bad for you." OK, I made that up, but he probably thought it.

One thing is for sure, and most experts agree; when Tiger does come back he will more than likely do so with a vengeance. Lookout golf world, look the f*** out!

The Grammys: SlapHanded

Welllllll, I think we all know how I feel about celebrity award shows and, to my point, apparently Stephen Colbert feels the same way when he said to start the show, "lets get on to congratulating ourselves."

Amen.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/02/01/grammys.wrap/index.html?hpt=C1

Therefore nothing needs the SlapHand more this morning than the Grammys.

In typical award show fashion it's all about the production and not so much about winners. Yes, we are happy you won, but if you can't accept the award in 30 seconds or less so that we can get on to the next performance then get ready for some house music, the turning off of the lights, followed by a, can't make it in the industry, model ushering your long winded ass off stage. That always cracks me up. I really wish they would bring in a hook, like they do in the cartoons, and just jerk them away from the microphone.

Lady Gaga and Elton John kick off the show by turning in, what I considered, to be the best performance of the night, unfortunately it was all downhill from there. Say what you want about Lady Gaga but she sure knows how to sell herself. You can't take your eyes off of her or you may miss some weird ass outfit or a crotch shot.

Beyonce had a nice performance, nuttin wrong having her bounce out on stage with her boobs gyrating for all the world to see. I miss her two backup dancers though. p.s. Watch your ass Jay-Z, if she's singing Alanis Morrisette songs then she's angry about something, lookout brother!

And, speaking of angry women, if I were in the audience I'd have found Pink after the show and beat her ass... "I spent $6000 on this dress, my hair and makeup and then you turn your ass into a human sprinkler and ruin it all bitch." When did Pink join the circus... you sing one song about evil clowns and all of the sudden your Barnum and Bailey.

In the category of performances I almost liked were Lil Wayne, Eminem, and Drake's diddy; at least the parts I heard. Seriously clean that sh!t up so the rest of us can enjoy it. They must have had the CBS censors a hoppin. I especially liked in their performance when they flashed up on the screen that you can go to iTunes and download the nights performances... why would I want a song with half of it beeped out.

And, whereas most will say that the tribute to Michael Jackson was the highlight of the evening I will kindly disagree. Has the whole world completely forgotten how big a FREAK this guy was. As far as freaks go he's top shelf. He's turn myself white, reshape my face to look like Diana Ross, buy an amusement park to attract kids to my hose (that's suppose to say "house," caught that on my edit, guess that was a Freudian slip, haha), touch them, and play with my monkey freaky. And, he's a pedophile, granted not convicted, but you don't pay someone tens of millions of dollars because you're innocent.

MJ did two decent things... turn out great music and keep his own kids out of the limelight. And, wouldn't you know it, as soon as the bastard is dead his parents go parading his kids out at the f***ing Grammys and are pimpin his music out for everything they can get. These poor kids are a train wreck waiting to happen. They don't stand a f***ing chance.

I did like the "Earth Song" they played during his tribute. It wasn't bad. Coulda done without the blurry 3D effect they had going on (I don't carry red and blue lensed glasses with me at all times, sorry). Carrie Underwood is smokin hot and that Jennifer Hudson can sing. I just can't get over the fact that all these people are going gaga over him now, the man was so shut out of the biz he had moved to Dubai, and now he's the flavor of the moment. Death has done for him what Life couldn't... redeemed him. (wow that was profound... pulled that out of my ass)

And, While I have stood up for Taylor Swift in the past...

http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2009/11/fat-judd-is-not-happy.html

...will someone please slap that bitch. Quit, for the love of pete, quit acting surprised that you won, Taylor. You were the odds on favorite to win. That'd be like James Cameron standing up at the Oscars and sayin, "WHAT? Avatar won for best special effects, are you friggin kidding me?" Quit putting your hands up to your gaping mouth and wipe that look of astonishment off your face before Beyonce and Lady Gaga kick you in the baby maker. It's making Jay-Z and I sick. You've won, like, 357 awards in the past year... no one is surprised that you won. Seriously. My kids like you, my mom likes you, I like you, but that act is played and we're sick as sh!t of it. Be gracious, be happy, be courteous to the other nominees and get off the effin stage. Where's Kayne when you need him?

Glad to see Zac Brown band win something... they look like they would be fun to hang with at some hick backyard Oklahoma BBQ. Glad Kings of Leon won too... now can we quit playing that song non-stop. Glad the show went 3 1/2 hours; you can never get too much celebrity back patting. Glad I had recorded a quality show to watch after the Grammys to redeem my faith in the entertainment industry... Jersey Shore ROCKS!!! "I think we got a Situation over her!"
But mostly, glad it's over. I'll never get those 3 1/2 hours back.

When are the Oscars again?