The Grammys: SlapHanded

Welllllll, I think we all know how I feel about celebrity award shows and, to my point, apparently Stephen Colbert feels the same way when he said to start the show, "lets get on to congratulating ourselves."

Amen.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/02/01/grammys.wrap/index.html?hpt=C1

Therefore nothing needs the SlapHand more this morning than the Grammys.

In typical award show fashion it's all about the production and not so much about winners. Yes, we are happy you won, but if you can't accept the award in 30 seconds or less so that we can get on to the next performance then get ready for some house music, the turning off of the lights, followed by a, can't make it in the industry, model ushering your long winded ass off stage. That always cracks me up. I really wish they would bring in a hook, like they do in the cartoons, and just jerk them away from the microphone.

Lady Gaga and Elton John kick off the show by turning in, what I considered, to be the best performance of the night, unfortunately it was all downhill from there. Say what you want about Lady Gaga but she sure knows how to sell herself. You can't take your eyes off of her or you may miss some weird ass outfit or a crotch shot.

Beyonce had a nice performance, nuttin wrong having her bounce out on stage with her boobs gyrating for all the world to see. I miss her two backup dancers though. p.s. Watch your ass Jay-Z, if she's singing Alanis Morrisette songs then she's angry about something, lookout brother!

And, speaking of angry women, if I were in the audience I'd have found Pink after the show and beat her ass... "I spent $6000 on this dress, my hair and makeup and then you turn your ass into a human sprinkler and ruin it all bitch." When did Pink join the circus... you sing one song about evil clowns and all of the sudden your Barnum and Bailey.

In the category of performances I almost liked were Lil Wayne, Eminem, and Drake's diddy; at least the parts I heard. Seriously clean that sh!t up so the rest of us can enjoy it. They must have had the CBS censors a hoppin. I especially liked in their performance when they flashed up on the screen that you can go to iTunes and download the nights performances... why would I want a song with half of it beeped out.

And, whereas most will say that the tribute to Michael Jackson was the highlight of the evening I will kindly disagree. Has the whole world completely forgotten how big a FREAK this guy was. As far as freaks go he's top shelf. He's turn myself white, reshape my face to look like Diana Ross, buy an amusement park to attract kids to my hose (that's suppose to say "house," caught that on my edit, guess that was a Freudian slip, haha), touch them, and play with my monkey freaky. And, he's a pedophile, granted not convicted, but you don't pay someone tens of millions of dollars because you're innocent.

MJ did two decent things... turn out great music and keep his own kids out of the limelight. And, wouldn't you know it, as soon as the bastard is dead his parents go parading his kids out at the f***ing Grammys and are pimpin his music out for everything they can get. These poor kids are a train wreck waiting to happen. They don't stand a f***ing chance.

I did like the "Earth Song" they played during his tribute. It wasn't bad. Coulda done without the blurry 3D effect they had going on (I don't carry red and blue lensed glasses with me at all times, sorry). Carrie Underwood is smokin hot and that Jennifer Hudson can sing. I just can't get over the fact that all these people are going gaga over him now, the man was so shut out of the biz he had moved to Dubai, and now he's the flavor of the moment. Death has done for him what Life couldn't... redeemed him. (wow that was profound... pulled that out of my ass)

And, While I have stood up for Taylor Swift in the past...

http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2009/11/fat-judd-is-not-happy.html

...will someone please slap that bitch. Quit, for the love of pete, quit acting surprised that you won, Taylor. You were the odds on favorite to win. That'd be like James Cameron standing up at the Oscars and sayin, "WHAT? Avatar won for best special effects, are you friggin kidding me?" Quit putting your hands up to your gaping mouth and wipe that look of astonishment off your face before Beyonce and Lady Gaga kick you in the baby maker. It's making Jay-Z and I sick. You've won, like, 357 awards in the past year... no one is surprised that you won. Seriously. My kids like you, my mom likes you, I like you, but that act is played and we're sick as sh!t of it. Be gracious, be happy, be courteous to the other nominees and get off the effin stage. Where's Kayne when you need him?

Glad to see Zac Brown band win something... they look like they would be fun to hang with at some hick backyard Oklahoma BBQ. Glad Kings of Leon won too... now can we quit playing that song non-stop. Glad the show went 3 1/2 hours; you can never get too much celebrity back patting. Glad I had recorded a quality show to watch after the Grammys to redeem my faith in the entertainment industry... Jersey Shore ROCKS!!! "I think we got a Situation over her!"
But mostly, glad it's over. I'll never get those 3 1/2 hours back.

When are the Oscars again?