Dumb People Need Slaphand Too.

Reille Hunter, the videographer that f***ed John Edwards chances of ever being president or even thought of as decent ever again, was interviewed and photographed for an article in GQ has come out saying she is extremely upset with the photographs used in the article. She went as far as to say the picture of her looking sultry in a white dress shirt and little else (seen here) is repulsive.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/?fbid=eKlahbGddle

It's GQ not Harper's Bazaar or Good Housekeeping and you posed for the f***ing thing, so why is it at all a surprise that it showed up in the mag.

She claims she "trusted" the photographer and "went with the flow."

Good call.

Is that like when you trusted John Edwards to keep your relationship out of the press when he was being followed by hundreds of news media, or like the time when you trusted him to do the right thing and fess up to being the father of your child.

Maybe you need to re-evaluate your ability to pick people to trust.

John Edwards is a dirt bag and your not many steps above him. You slept with a married man, even after being caught by his wife, even after she got cancer, so just shut your pie hole, take your sexy photos, and go with the flow.
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Terry Nichols, of Oklahoma City bombing conspiracy fame, recently went on a hunger strike while in Federal Prison in Colorado to demand a more fiber rich diet apparently got what he wanted however says "much more needs to be done."

http://www.kdvr.com/news/kdvr-nichols-diet-031310,0,195249.story?track=rss

Nichols has also filed a lawsuit that argues the lack of available whole grains and fresh produce harms his health and violates his religious beliefs causing him to "sin against god."

You mean "sin against god" like conspiring to kill hundreds of people by exploding a large bomb while they worked in an office building... are you talking that kind of sin? Because I am a little confused on the level of sin we're talkin.

I am also confused on stuff like "why this guy is still breathin?" and "what does it take to get a guy shanked in prison?" and "fiber, are we talking about fiber?"

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Casey Anthony's lawyers don't want you to see her as a partying whore only as a baby killer.

To update you, Casey Anthony is on trial for killing her 2 year old daughter, Caylee.

See here's what happened in a nut shell; Casey Anthony's mother reported to police that her 2 year old grand daughter had been missing for a month. Anthony claims she dropped the daughter off at a babysitters and when she returned the sitter and her daughter were no where to be found, so instead of calling police she decided to do her own month long investigation into the disappearance of her daughter without telling the police or her parents. This did not stop her from partying a few time with friends during the "investigation" though.

Police came to find the sitters apartment had been vacant for months prior to Anthony supposedly dropping her daughter off and the babysitter has never been found, nor is it believed that she even exist. Months into the investigation the body of Caylee was found in a marshy area less than 1 mile from Anthony's home with evidence of duct tape being used in the homicide... the same duct tape that was found in Anthony's home.

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/caylee-anthony

So, let me see if I have this straight... you dropped your daughter off at a vacant apartment, to a woman who doesn't exist and then decided not to report the crime to police so that you could investigate the matter yourself but come to find out your daughter ends up being dead and found with duct tape on her that you had in your house.. and your worried about a few party pics.

See, the judge has recently released photos of Anthony in various less than desirable poses... well, less then desirable if you are trying to get your client off of a murder charge by trying to pass her off as a good and caring mother.

Said pictures depict Anthony as a bit of a whore and a party animal. The party pics are a little damning, however they should be no more damning then fact that she killed her own daughter then tried to cover it up with a lame ass "babysitter" story while she investigated it... for a month.

You have to be a complete dumb ass to think that people would buy that shit. All I can say is enjoy the lightening ride honey.

I Forsee Failure

Anytime you can trade your current manager in for a psychic manager you got to pull the trigger on that.

Heidi and her boobs have hired Malibu based psychic, Aiden Chase, to manager her career, stating, "having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has."

Yeah, that worked great for Shirley McClain. However, I digress. What you should be doing is baring your two greatest assets; your witty sense of humor and ability to cry on cue.

Of course I'm kidding... just show us your boobs already!

Considering that your previous manager was your dumb shit husband, Spencer, trading up to a psychic probably was a pretty good move. He is definitely a solid choice... solid!

Or, and I'm just throwing this out there... you could hire an actual celebrity manager who is neither, A - your husband, or B - a whacked out fraud. Just saying.

Good luck... now when is that next Playboy shoot, cause when it's done your 15 minutes will be just about up. And, no one needs a psychic for that. (Unless of course you go bigger!... DO IT!)

http://www.showbizspy.com/article/201350/heidi-montag-ditches-husband-as-her-business-manager.html

VPITF: Lindsawhat?

Lindsay Lohan didn't win an Oscar this past weekend because she is a horrible actress, however she does receive our second VPITF (Virtual Punch In The Face).

Freaky Friday is suing e*Trade for 100 million dollars. YES, that's $100 million dollars for using her name in one of their cutsie E*Trade baby commercials.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100310/lf_nm_life/us_lohan_etrade_lawsuit_5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEXZ2hfD3bU

That's $50 million for compensatory damages and $50 million for exemplary damages. What that means is she is not only claiming that she should receive money for actual damages but that the damage was done maliciously.

Are you so eff'd up on painkillers that you think e*Trade, in addition to trying to earn money by allowing you to trade stocks via their web applications has the goal of ruining your life. REALLY. Because that doesn't really seem like a good business strategy to me.

The Parent Trap (more like the coke trap) claims that the baby that is referred to in the commercial as "that milkoholic Lindsay" is based on her likeness and character.

I decided to list all of the things you have in common with the baby in said video.

1. Your names are Lindsay.

And, that's it. I really don't see how your going to get 100 million dollars based on that. Unless of course you are saying that because the baby is refereed to as a milkoholic and you are an alcoholic those things are related too.

I think this is a good indicator of how high you are on prescription medication and cocaine to think that you are ever going to get money from e*Trade. For that I think you need a good 'ol fashioned punch in the face. It would probably help you out and would make me feel tons better.

Also, get some creme rinse for your hair... your mane is starting to look like a red scarecrow hair.

The World Stopped for 13 Minutes

Tiger Woods broke his 3 months of silence today when he came forward and told us absolutely nothing new about his plight. In a well prepared and thought out speech (done by some his PR folks, IMG, that are banking right now) Tiger Woods told us jack squat. Let me sum up 13 minutes in a couple of lines... "I'm sorry, I cheated, I am seeking help, it's not Elin's fault, I'll play golf again... someday."

You know, I always thought of Tiger as a machine... I mean the guy goes out on the golf course and does the same thing over and over and kicks ass. He's like a terminator... he will not stop... ever! But, this was always just a metaphor. Until now. I actually believe that Tiger is a robot. He is a machine. Did you hear his speech? Robotic I tell you... he spoke... like this... "I am very sorry... I have been bad... I am going... to continue... to try... to convince you... I... am... not... a... robot (queue watery eyes)."

You know what else I loathed about this contrived speech other than the tone, that he apologized to his sponsors before he apologized to his dads memory and the kids that idolize him. That right there tells you what is more important to Tiger. "I am sorry I am losing millions, oh, and that I f***ed everything in sight."

The guy is a complete control freak. Everything seemed to come off just a little to planned. From only allowing his people in the room, to reading off his prepared speech verbatim, to not allowing anyone to ask questions. I can hear his PR guys telling the producer now... "hey man, we can't program the robot to answer the questions that fast, so you're gonna have to nix the Q&A, man."

I just don't get it. Why not explain what happened and be done with it. Tiger left so much out there for speculation. He has never explained what happened on Thanksgiving. Never addressed the women who are making claims, never explained his disappearing act, never talked about his "rehab." He has never addressed any rumor, true or contrived. So, what does he expect?

His privacy?

You gave that up when you started making millions on your game and on your image. Sorry. That's what you give up, to a certain degree, when you accept your role as a celebrity. Ask any of them. They may not like it but that is what you give up for all the perks that celebrity brings you... and there are plenty!!! Endorsements, money, upgrades on everything from airline seats, to cars, to free meals and drinks, and apparently all the tits and ass you can handle.

So, if you want to end the suffering, the reporters waiting outside your gates, the helicopters buzzing overhead, the constant and non-stop hounding... then you gotta rip that band aid off.

See, I'm a rip the band aid off kinda guy. I don't want to slowly peel it off so that I feel each hair getting pulled out of my skin. Just rip it off and deal with the pain all at once then start the recovery process. If I'm him I'd fire IMG (his image reps) and hire someone who isn't trying to milk this paycheck for all it's worth. Someone that would say... you want to be done with this shit, do this...

1. (grab the band aid) Tell Elin everything. If you want to stay married to her then ask her to stay married and quit f***ing everything. Get help if you need it. Get counseling. Cause you definitely need to work some shit out. If you don't want to be married, then grant her a divorce and give her some money... you got plenty. And the kids... look you can still be a good dad even if you were a shitty husband. BE A GOOD DAD! (if you ask my opinion, I'd say divorce)

2. (rip that bitch off) Call a bunch of reporters into a room, tell them what happened on Thanksgiving. Tell them you slept with a lot of women. Tell them how Elin found out. Answer questions. Next, give a one on one with Barbara Walters (or someone of the like), and speak from the heart. Tell her you know you let a lot of people down and that your sorry. Say it once! Any other apologies you need to make face to face; i.e. sponsors (even if they dropped you), family, friends, fellow golfers. Get the info out there so there are no more questions to be asked. The truth is always easier.

3. (say "ouch" and recover) PLAY GOLF. As soon as you start winning on the golf course this crap goes away. It'll take a little time for the golf announcers to stop mentioning it, but after a few months and a few wins... all it will be is about how you overcame such diversity instead of what you did. It will become another strength; your transgressions will become an asset.

But no one asked me. And your still dealing with the same shit. Even after your Terminator speech.

The Day After

Today should be a national holiday... so why are we working?

I know your nursing a hangover, indigestion, and a lack of sleep due to the previous two items. You celebrated with 100 million Americans last night and although there was no Declaration of Independence issued, nor savior of man born this day, the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday should be a national holiday!

Name another event that brings Americans together like the Super Bowl that is not a national holiday. An estimated 100 million people watched the game in the U.S. We can barely get that many people to vote in a presidential election, let alone agree on such topics as Health Care, Iraq, Afghanistan, and which hussy the bachelor should pick.

Such occasion to unify as a nation should be recognized. Call it Super Monday, American Sports Day, National Hangover Recovery day... call it Presidents Day and move that weak ass holiday to the day after the Super Bowl... whatever, just give us our day... our day to celebrate our national unity and for me to rid myself of this gawd-awful 7-n-seven induced headache.

For all those interested in making the Monday following Super Bowl Sunday a National Holiday I highly encourage you to visit http://www.superbowlmonday.com/

They are trying, you can help!

Tom Watson Signs Up For Ass-Kicking

Someone please put Tom Watson's name on the list people who are going to get their asses kicked once Tiger Woods starts swinging clubs again.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SPORT/02/03/dubai.watson.woods/index.html?hpt=C2

In a bold statement, that is comparable to pissing in a rattlesnakes face or stuffing a firecracker up an alligators ass, Tom Watson has come forward and made some critical statements concerning Woods and his lack of ability to keep it in his pants and his golf course etiquette.

Watson has graciously offered this advice... come out and admit that you were wrong and that you want to be a better husband to your wife and also, try to be a better, more professional, golfer while on the course ( I guess Tiger is prone to cussing when he f***s up).

Watson may just have well painted a target on his back.

Seriously, I can't imagine Watson having the balls to say any of this to Tigers face and wouldn't even have thought it prior to all of Tiger's infidelities and current low point in life. Before all that everyone, Watson included, was kissing Tigers ass instead of insulting it. You figure that purse sizes have doubled and tripled since Tiger started playing in these tournaments. TV sponsorship is up 10-fold. Golf is the 4th biggest TV sport behind Football, BBall, and Baseball, and it was 23rd before Tiger (yes, I'm exaggerating). Regardless, they owe Tiger A LOT and this is the kind of sh!t they pull

Watson should know Tiger has a little Michael Jordan in 'em... when ever anyone started talking trash to Jordan he'd light 'em up for like 45 and embarrass them in the process. Tiger's the same way. Wait till Tiger is trading the lead with Watson, or, better yet, wait till they are partnered up one day. Tiger will set a course record guaranteed.

The one thing Watson has going for him though is age. The chances he'll face Tiger one on one or even in a group again are slim. But when it happens... LOOK OUT!

Jesper Parnevik, on the other had, is a guy Tiger will probably face in the future and he too is another guy who raised his hand when they asked for volunteers to get their ass kicked by Tiger in the future.

http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=4733865

Elin used to be Jesper's nanny and, supposedly, he set Tiger and Elin up to begin with. Consequently he feels somewhat responsible for the situation and unfortunately, for him, said so... in some not so Tiger friendly words. He'll soon be picking the pieces of his ass up out of the grass at a golf course near you.

Just ask Ben Crane and Charles Gordon about regretful comments... both were supposedly quoted saying some disparaging remarks about Tiger , however these two smackoffs were smart enough to realize the implications. Both have since retracted their statements with Crane saying, "Insult Tiger, nooooo, that'd be like asking to f*** Sonny Corleone's wife in the a$$. It's only going to end bad for you." OK, I made that up, but he probably thought it.

One thing is for sure, and most experts agree; when Tiger does come back he will more than likely do so with a vengeance. Lookout golf world, look the f*** out!

The Grammys: SlapHanded

Welllllll, I think we all know how I feel about celebrity award shows and, to my point, apparently Stephen Colbert feels the same way when he said to start the show, "lets get on to congratulating ourselves."

Amen.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Music/02/01/grammys.wrap/index.html?hpt=C1

Therefore nothing needs the SlapHand more this morning than the Grammys.

In typical award show fashion it's all about the production and not so much about winners. Yes, we are happy you won, but if you can't accept the award in 30 seconds or less so that we can get on to the next performance then get ready for some house music, the turning off of the lights, followed by a, can't make it in the industry, model ushering your long winded ass off stage. That always cracks me up. I really wish they would bring in a hook, like they do in the cartoons, and just jerk them away from the microphone.

Lady Gaga and Elton John kick off the show by turning in, what I considered, to be the best performance of the night, unfortunately it was all downhill from there. Say what you want about Lady Gaga but she sure knows how to sell herself. You can't take your eyes off of her or you may miss some weird ass outfit or a crotch shot.

Beyonce had a nice performance, nuttin wrong having her bounce out on stage with her boobs gyrating for all the world to see. I miss her two backup dancers though. p.s. Watch your ass Jay-Z, if she's singing Alanis Morrisette songs then she's angry about something, lookout brother!

And, speaking of angry women, if I were in the audience I'd have found Pink after the show and beat her ass... "I spent $6000 on this dress, my hair and makeup and then you turn your ass into a human sprinkler and ruin it all bitch." When did Pink join the circus... you sing one song about evil clowns and all of the sudden your Barnum and Bailey.

In the category of performances I almost liked were Lil Wayne, Eminem, and Drake's diddy; at least the parts I heard. Seriously clean that sh!t up so the rest of us can enjoy it. They must have had the CBS censors a hoppin. I especially liked in their performance when they flashed up on the screen that you can go to iTunes and download the nights performances... why would I want a song with half of it beeped out.

And, whereas most will say that the tribute to Michael Jackson was the highlight of the evening I will kindly disagree. Has the whole world completely forgotten how big a FREAK this guy was. As far as freaks go he's top shelf. He's turn myself white, reshape my face to look like Diana Ross, buy an amusement park to attract kids to my hose (that's suppose to say "house," caught that on my edit, guess that was a Freudian slip, haha), touch them, and play with my monkey freaky. And, he's a pedophile, granted not convicted, but you don't pay someone tens of millions of dollars because you're innocent.

MJ did two decent things... turn out great music and keep his own kids out of the limelight. And, wouldn't you know it, as soon as the bastard is dead his parents go parading his kids out at the f***ing Grammys and are pimpin his music out for everything they can get. These poor kids are a train wreck waiting to happen. They don't stand a f***ing chance.

I did like the "Earth Song" they played during his tribute. It wasn't bad. Coulda done without the blurry 3D effect they had going on (I don't carry red and blue lensed glasses with me at all times, sorry). Carrie Underwood is smokin hot and that Jennifer Hudson can sing. I just can't get over the fact that all these people are going gaga over him now, the man was so shut out of the biz he had moved to Dubai, and now he's the flavor of the moment. Death has done for him what Life couldn't... redeemed him. (wow that was profound... pulled that out of my ass)

And, While I have stood up for Taylor Swift in the past...

http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2009/11/fat-judd-is-not-happy.html

...will someone please slap that bitch. Quit, for the love of pete, quit acting surprised that you won, Taylor. You were the odds on favorite to win. That'd be like James Cameron standing up at the Oscars and sayin, "WHAT? Avatar won for best special effects, are you friggin kidding me?" Quit putting your hands up to your gaping mouth and wipe that look of astonishment off your face before Beyonce and Lady Gaga kick you in the baby maker. It's making Jay-Z and I sick. You've won, like, 357 awards in the past year... no one is surprised that you won. Seriously. My kids like you, my mom likes you, I like you, but that act is played and we're sick as sh!t of it. Be gracious, be happy, be courteous to the other nominees and get off the effin stage. Where's Kayne when you need him?

Glad to see Zac Brown band win something... they look like they would be fun to hang with at some hick backyard Oklahoma BBQ. Glad Kings of Leon won too... now can we quit playing that song non-stop. Glad the show went 3 1/2 hours; you can never get too much celebrity back patting. Glad I had recorded a quality show to watch after the Grammys to redeem my faith in the entertainment industry... Jersey Shore ROCKS!!! "I think we got a Situation over her!"
But mostly, glad it's over. I'll never get those 3 1/2 hours back.

When are the Oscars again?