What is He Thinking... You're a Homo

While looking at yahoo I saw another "Tips to Dating" story, that talks about what men really think... by the dating guro from MarieClaire. What the H E double toothpics does some dude who writes for MarieClaire know about what guys think.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-surprising-secrets-men-keep-469368/

I read this article and thought... well, that's stupid. What kinda metrosexual wrote this crap. I hate it when some jack-off assumes the identy of every male just because he has two marbles in a sack.

Anyway, here's MarieClaire's dating douch's 5 Suprising Secrets Men Keep piece with this, real man's, opionion.

1. We notice what you're wearing. Yes, we do... but only if it makes you look hot, slutty, or fugly. We want to see you in sexy clothes, even if you are not the sexiest woman in the world, if we're with you, then you're sexy to us. Just because your a size 14 with a fat ass doesn't mean you can't dress a little provocativly.

Seceretly, if you look a little slutty we like that even more.

Personally, I love it when a woman goes braless. Nothing gets my attention like a set of nipples poking out of a shirt. You could be pushing 190, have some mangly teeth stickin out, some messed up nappy hair, and a size-to-small KMart Ghostbusters, circa 1985, t-shirt on and walk right by me without so much as even catching my gaze. But poke some nips outta that thang and I'll be the one bustin something and it won't be ghost.

I also like when the buttons on a womans blouse gape open allowing a little to much to be seen. I also love it when a woman finds that just right fit of pants that makes her ass go "BANG." THAT's what we notice. Sexy and slutty; it catches are eyes and entrances our minds with thoughts of pure euphoria.

On the flip side, we also notice when you just don't look good. We hate it when you wear those jeans that just don't fit your ass or that shirt that says, "move on, nothing for you to see here." When you wear something like that we pray you don't ask us how it looks, but if you do, we will say, "it looks fine." If you hear that, change.

2. We hate when you try to hard to be one of the guys. Really, cause I could give a shit. If you really want to sit in the sports bar and talk shit about the dumbasses around us and oogle over the waitress, then sit down... always nice to hang with one of the guys... by the way, you have next round.

3. We are affraid of commitment. We are not affraid of commitment... were just affraid of the person you change into once that commitment has been made. I've always believed a woman looking for a man will look and act as good as she ever will, in her entire life. However, once that commitment is made... "mmmm, well, it's ok to have that piece of cheesecake at lunch, and it's alright if I skip my workout today, and, ahhhh, he won't mind if I act like a pshcotic bitch because he wants to go hang out with his friends and watch the game instead of spending the 13th night in a row catoring to my every need with me."

Commitment=Change. We hate change. We like that you look good. We like that you are fun to hang out with. We like that you appreciate us. We dont' want that to go away, ever, hence the fear of commitment.

4. Getting too tipsy on a date is a turnoff. This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. There is no such thing as "too tipsy," there's tipsy and drunk. And, personally, I'm hoping for tipsy.

Apparently the clown that wrote this has never experianced the elation of being on a date with a woman who needed to hold your hand to walk, because "I'm a little tipsy," or he's never dated a woman.

I'll just put it right out there for you; Tipsy, at most, increases my chances of getting lucky and, at least, will loosen you up a bit. Tipsy relaxes you, opens you up. It helps breaks down some of those social barriers we instill upon ourselves in public situations. A tipsy date will take her shoes off and splash in the fountain in front of the restruant. A tipsy date will make sexual inuendos throughout the evening. A tipsy date will laugh at my dirty joke. A tipsy date will let you go a little further than a sober one will. Tipsy is nice.

However, get sloppy drunk and I'll probably leave you at the bar.

5. We get jealous because we're insecure. We do sometimes get jealous, but I don't know if it has to do so much with my self insecurity as it does with your abilty to flirt to the point of eye f#$%ing every other guy that shows the littlest sign of interest in you. Perhaps if you pay some attention to us and act like you want to be there then I won't think you wanna bang the waiter.

All in all, what is really on our mind when we go out on our date is, "will I get lucky." I'm married 12 years and on the few occasions that we get to go out by ourselves I'm still thinking that. Am I gonna get lucky? That's it. Followed closely by, "wonder what her boobs look like," and "hope she drinks."

Lord, or uh, President of the Flies Hands Out our First VPITF.

While being interviewed by CNBC corespondent, John Harwood, President Obama swatted and killed an "innocent" fly in the middle of the interview, exclaiming "I got the sucker," upon the flies demise.

See the article here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090618/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_obama_dead_fly_7

or YouTube the incident.

OF COURSE, this drew the ire of PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich who states "swatting a fly on TV indicates he's not perfect," and we wish he had not done that.

Are you F#$%ing kidding me. What the f#$% is wrong with those people. On behalf of the President I'd like to extend them a Virtual Punch In The Face for being so absolutely frickin stupid as to give two shits about that dead damn fly. Instead of getting on the President perhaps you should have explained to the fly not to buzz around his head, because that would make just about as much sense you friggin dumbass. I wish it was more of a LPITF (Literal). F#$% OFF PETA.

Shark Attack

Jessica Alba and friends recently "tagged" several billboards, landmarks, and utility boxes (???) with posters of great white sharks in downtown Oklahoma City to bring attention to the sharks dwindling numbers in the worlds oceans.

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b128253_jessica_alba_loves_jaws_breaks_laws.html?utm_source=eonline&utm_medium=rssfeeds&utm_campaign=rss_topstories

I have several issues with the stupidity of this and one "white shark" whopper of an idea to better get the word to the streets.

Let's start with what's stupid.

Point number 1; To bring attention to the plight of great white sharks you plaster signs up in Oklahoma City. You do realize your in the Midwest and, while we do have a white shark population problem here, it is by no means any fault to which their numbers are declining in the ocean. I'm no oceanographer nor did I sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night but I think it probably has to do with the fact there is no effing ocean here.

Point number 2; You are in Oklahoma City, who cares. I live here and I barely noticed. Now if you would have vandalized the OU football stadium or anything around Norman that mentions their precious football team... that would have really got some attention. It would have probably gotten you killed, but would have definitely garnered more concern from the Sooner Nuts out there. Asking someone in the OKC to care about sharks is like asking someone from Cali to care that wheat crop yields are down 30% this year. They just don't really give a crap.

Point number 3; that hat is stupid. The gangster hat with tank top is not a good look for you or anyone. Might I recommend a ballcap next time. Maybe an OU hat, again, anything to appease the Sooner Nuts works in OK.

Point number 4; At the time you really thought that was a good idea. I find it hard to believe that your train of thought was... "well, this is awesome. Were gonna bring attention of white shark genocide to Oklahoma, where there is nothing but dirt for miles around, no ocean anywhere... but hey, I'm Jessica Alba, I'm frickin hot, I have an awesome perky butt and I'm out here at night, sneaking around OKC plastering shark posters up on stuff and letting friends take my picture to post on the Internet, no way this can go wrong... no frickin way!" "Really" says Seth Meyers.

So, let me help you and the sharks out Jess. You really want to help, I mean you REALLY want to help white sharks out... have someone scribble Save the Sharks on your belly and then take a nude shot of yourself to post on the Internet. I guarantee 96% of all men in the world would know about the plight of White Sharks within an hour and I would personally send in a few bucks to the charity of your choice, what ever that may be; Save the White Shark Alliance, Shark Posters for the Needy, Gorilla Glue International, or maybe even the United Way... whatever. Sex sells baby, sex sells!

STEP INTO A SLIM JIM

This joke is probably in bad taste and I'm sure I would get complaints, if I had any followers besides The Bone... but do you suppose the Macho Man Randy Savage walked into the factory and yelled, "STEP INTO A SLIM JIM" and then the place blew up.

What if that were actually true... ponder that.

http://www.newsvine.com/slim-jim