Things I Am Thankful For (This Week): A Thanksgiving Special

That I don’t have a set of testicles hanging from the tailgate of my truck. Seriously could anything say “I’m a tackless s#ithead” more. Who the f*** comes up with this crap. Are his parents proud of him when he pulls into their driveway with a big set of black truck marbles hanging from the trailer hitch? And, any woman who elects to date a man with at set of balls hanging from his tailgate is; a whore, a tramp, a woman who loves to suck balls, easy or some combination of all four, and may as well wear a sign around her neck stating so.

That the OKC Thunder (than the Sonics) got the second pick in the 2007 Draft and not the #1… cause they would have picked Greg “glass legs” Oden had they had the #1 pick. And, you’d have too… you can’t pass up on a big with his size and athleticism… you just can’t, despite the fact that he looked 38 years old. Since being drafted he has only played in 82 games in 4 seasons. He’s right up there with Ryan Leaf and Darko Milicic as biggest bust in pro sports.

That Heidi Montag is broke. We are a short negotiation with Playboy away from seeing her DDD’s, especially now that she is back with Spencer; you know that ass-clown is encouraging that crap. God bless him.

That I didn’t attend the Water Festival in Phnom Penh, Cambodia this past weekend. I love a good Water Festival, but glad I had a conflict on my calender this time… google it.

That I am not flying anywhere this week. Although it has been awhile since my last hernia check and prostrate exam. Perhaps if I were traveling I could get TSA to check that out for me. Is it out of line to ask for a female agent with soft warm hands?

That the fine mayor of Oklahoma City has put the skids to the proposed expansion of the LFL to OKC. That’s Lingerie Football League to you dolts. I for one applaud the mayor for standing up to scantily clad footballers and this abomination of a sport. It is disgraceful and undignified. We should love our women and not turn them into sex objects that are only here for our pleasure. We should covet them and not make them run around a football field in lingerie while other women pull and grab at them and try to wrestle them to the ground. We should protect them from becoming the perpetrators of our sexual schemes. Ok, who am I kidding… let’s lynch the f***er.

That there are still men like Army Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta out there in the world; putting life and limb on the line on a daily basis so I can enjoy the freedoms of being an American and hang a set of rubber enshrined steel testicles from the bumper of my Ford. Thanks Sgt. Giunta.

Happy Turkey Day Everyone.

WARNING: Reading Slaphand Could Kill You.

The FDA recently released 36 images they are proposing to put on new, larger cigarette warning labels that were approved in June 2009 by the FDA. The labels would appear on the front and back of all cigarette packages and all advertisements. Cigarette companies will have 15 months after June 2009 to comply with the utilization of the new labels.

Now, this little rant is going to come across as pro-cigarette and nothing could be further from the truth (see previous post: http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2009/04/smokers-tax.html). But, for Christ sake, smoking ain't illegal, but you'd think it was with the way the FDA treats the smoking industry.

Let's think about this... is any other industry producing dangerous items. hmmmm...

The gun industry: People get killed by guns... Should the stocks of all guns bear images of people with a shotgun blast to the face on them. The warning would read "hey kid, you'll shoot your eye out!"

The car industry: People get killed in car accidents... should all cars have pictures of mangled up accident victims on the sun visors with the other warnings about wearing your seat belt. It'd be lovely to pull down the visor on a particularly sunny day and have a ghastly image of someones face that went through a windshield at 70 mph and a warning that says "BUCKLE UP DUMB ASS!"

McDonald's: Ever see 'Super Size Me?' How about a picture of a 400 pound guy with his butt crack showing, woofing down 704 calories of Big Mac on your McDonald's bag. Or maybe his enlarged heart, that is about the size of a canned ham, sitting in an operating plate after he's ceased out.

And there's more...

Airlines: burnt decapitated bodies on tray tables.

Butter: a big ol juicy clogged artery on your Land 'O' Lakes tub.

Swimming pools: A big ol naked, bloated, floater.

Bacon: Actually there's nothing bad about bacon, they have the best marketing people in the world. It's a solid chunk of grease and fat that you'd think was a miracle food. "Everything is better with bacon!" They are even making Bacon flavored soda now... it's delicious (and I may have just thrown up in my mouth a bit). http://seattlest.com/2010/11/09/bacon_soda--meet_pinot_pop.php

Alcohol: Me... sloshed, on one of those labels you see through the bottle.

Viagra: A dead guy with a boner that didn't go away in 4 hours etched into that tiny little blue pill.

etc. etc. etc.

My point is, if I'm the cigarette industry why am I trying. I mean, WTF. I'd be asking myself how is the legal. You let me SELL cigarettes but you make me post labels on my product that says IF YOU SMOKE, YOU WILL DIE. Isn't that sort of a contradiction. If you are so sure people are dying shouldn't this be illegal. We're killing 400,000 people a year and your like, "ahh, put a really gruesome picture on the label and, ahh, good luck." That's just f***ed up.

Again, not a fan of the smoking... but last time I checked it was legal.

So why doesn't the FDA just put Big Tobacco out of it's misery and make smoking illegal? What's preventing that from happening? I mean, seriously, is Big Tobacco so BIG and their lobby so strong that this can't happen. The government is sitting back saying, we love the thousands you employ, we love the huge taxes that smokers pay, we love f***ing with you, we know cigarettes kill people, but go ahead smoke 'em if you got 'em, we don't want to piss you off and possibly lose your vote.

It all just seems a little contrite to me.

To view the labels the FDA wants to slap on your pack of smokes and to voice your opinion the the topic see the link below.

http://www.fda.gov/ForConsumers/ConsumerUpdates/ucm233258.htm

Things I Learned This Week: People Are Whack(ed)

It is possible for two morons to blow through 10 million dollars and not have anything to show for it except for a set of enormously huge knockers.

http://www.showbizspy.com/article/217192/heidi-montag-and-spencer-pratt-we-wasted-10m.html

And, if you ask me... that's money well spent, haha.

I don't fault them... actually I do, they are so stupid that there seed should be wiped from the earth so that their species can not continue to exist... but, what I mean, is that they are the product of their own fame. A fame base on absolutely no talent, unless you consider being so dumb as to be interesting enough to make a reality show out of all the faux drama in their lives until someone else who is dumber with even more faux drama comes along (I'm talking to you Jersey Shore). They were told for so long that they were famous and sustainable that they believed it... so they lived it up. Dropped millions on house rental, cars, trips, surgeries, and never gonna happen careers (like being a singer), not to mention that they owe millions in back taxes. They fell into the "reality trap" and now have to pay for it. Dumbasses

On the bright side... that Playboy spread is looking a little likelier now that the tax man is gonna come calling. So Heidi... show us your boobs you boob!
_________________________________________________

Never bring a wrench to a sword fight: Police responding to a domestic violence call in Sand Springs, Oklahoma found John Bryan Moore, 37, dead after being stabbed several times with a small sword by his 15 year old son, Dustin Wade Moore.

When asked what happened, Dustin explained "he hit me with a wrench." In response Dustin stabbed the man several times with a sword with a 16" blade. I'd say... lesson learned.

Police have responded to several calls in the past to the same address for domestic disputes, burglary, auto theft, runaways, drunkenness, and so on. Sounds like ol Dustin just solved all those problems, they should be thanking him, not arresting him... next case!

http://www.tulsaworld.com/webextra/content/2010/crimesite/article.aspx?subjectid=450&articleid=20101103_12_A22_CUTLIN996192
_________________________________________________

Just because she signed a document making her your sex slave doesn't mean you can beat her then have sex with her. Oh wait... it does?

http://newsok.com/oklahoma-city-sex-fetish-enthusiasts-abuse-trial-goes-to-jury/article/3511316

Freaks, Richard "Lord Wraith" Wise and Nanette "Gina" Larsen, have an unusual relationship. Gina moved away from her husband and three kids in Utah to live with "Lord Wraith," in Oklahoma City, this last year and signed a document which states that he is the "master" and she is the "slave," his sex slave, that is. The two practice a BDSM lifestyle, which translates into, we're a bunch of sex junkies who like to get FREAKY; we're into stuff like gag balls, whips, handcuffs, nipple clips, and drinking out of dog bowls like a good dog should, that's the kind of sh!t that turns us on and gets our juices flowing. Per the contract Wise gets to tie up, beat, choke, slap, pinch, and mentally abuse Larsen. It's almost like they are married, but without the lovely dovey stuff.

In a twist of fate, this February, Wise was arrested for allegedly attacking Larsen after a night spent partying. Larsen told her friend, doctor, and the police that Wise beat her, handcuffed her, and sexually assaulted her. Since then, Larsen moved back to Utah to her family, but then changed her mind, and moved back to Oklahoma City to be with Wise... oh, and her story changed too... now she fell down some stairs, got elbowed in the eye while arguing, and all those bruises and scrapes, that was from previous consensual rough sex with Wise. Which pretty much sounds like the same exact story she told the doctor, her friend and police... only in one version she is complaining.

Even though Larsen is no longer pressing charges the state is proceeding with it's prosecution of Wise on charges of kidnapping and domestic abuse. That's going to be pretty hard to sell givin that their key witness is now playing lap dog to the defendant.

Whatever the case, one thing is for sure... that is one well trained b!tch... which gives me an idea... Honey... can you sign something for me?

In Local News: The Great Escape II, Legend of Buddy Tough

This story has everything: jail breaks, police chases, standoffs, death sentences, KFC celebrities... everything!

http://www.newsok.com/article/3509123?searched=fry%20poodle&custom

In the once peaceful town of Hydro, OK a drama played out over the last couple weeks reminiscent of a Hollywood movie. So, Slaphand has made it into a movie.

Overview: Hydro resident, Edwin Fry, liberated his incarcerated poodle, Buddy Tough, from the Hydro city pound. Buddy was arrested for running wild through town and possibly killing a 700 lb cow, ok, probably not, but maybe. The chief of police, Mike "Colonel" Sanders was tired of being made a fool of by these pesky pet perpetrators and decided to set a new standard... "we ain't gonna take no free pets... NOT IN MY TOWN" attitude. Fry, came up with a desperate plan to bust Buddy Tough from his cell and make off into the daylight. Using a set of bolt cutters he daringly cut the lock of Buddy's pen and used his Yard-Man riding lawnmower to escape. The police gave chase all through town at a blistering 5 mph. This lead to a gun drawn standoff that ended with Fry and Buddy Tough given up and being taken back into custody. A few days later, Buddy Tough was executed for the crime of being a poodle on the lam with no one to pay his bail... now the town is outraged at the treatment of Fry and Buddy Tough and have demanded retribution. This is the heroic story of the outlaw Buddy Tough and how he brought the institution down and united a community... dun dun DUNNNNNNN.

(Staring)

Robert Duvall as Edwin Fry
Colonel Bob Thompson as Police Chief Mike "Colonel" Sanders (http://site.colonel-bob.com/)
James Best (from 30 years ago) as Officer Chris Chancellor (http://jamesbest.com/)
Morgan Freeman as Mayor Bill Glasscock
Carmen Electra as Hydro resident Mona Woods
Kim Kardashian as Hydro resident Linda Issac
and introducing
Rhapsody in White "Butch" as Buddy Tough
with special appearance by
Buddy Tough as Dead Buddy Tough

Here are a few selected scenes from the screenplay.

Chapter 1, Scene 3 - The Escape

(Edwin Fry pulls up in his Yard-Man mower in front of a kennel behind the Hydro police station where Buddy Tough is being held. It backfires when he kills the engine which causes Fry to look around nervously. He approaches the kennel and talks to Buddy)

Fry: Buddy?

Buddy: ruff, ruff

Fry: shhhh

(cuts padlock from gate with bolt cutters)

Buddy: 'whine'

Fry: Hey Buddy... you smell that?

Buddy: 'whine'

Fry: smells like freedom... I love the smell of freedom in the morning, smells like victo... no wait that's not freedom... that's dog crap, ah gross... come on Buddy let's go!

- scene -

Chapter 1, Scene 4 - The Chase

(Fry and Buddy Tough are on his Yard-Man mower speeding through town with the Chief of Police Mike "Colonel" Sanders and Officer Chris Chancellor in pursuit in two different police cars. Several other police cars are also in on the chase.)

(Mower drives by to open the scene, Fry is driving and Buddy Tough is on his lap with paws on the wheel too... drive by takes 5 seconds)

Fry: Buddy they ain't gonna catch us I put on a special set of matched tires on the ol Yard-Man, just like I did to Cole Trickle's car in Days of Thunder... they can't catch us!

(scene change to inside of the Chiefs car)

Sanders: (over radio) - Officer Chancellor, you need to somehow get in front of him... call in some help.

Chancellor: (over radio) This is car 2, I need cars at 5th and 6th street we can't let this sombitch get out of town. gkhuh! gkhuh!

Sanders: (over radio) Buddy Tough is a wanted fugitive for the murder of several 700lbs cows in the county... we can't let them escape... I'm giving you officers a direct KFC order... fry them chickens!

(back on the mower, Fry and Buddy approach the roadblock)

Fry: Buddy, this could be it... there doesn't look like anyway around... (at this point Fry does the classic Robert Duvall stretching of the neck with hands held out, just like in every movie he's ever done) I tried Buddy, I tried.
Buddy: ruff ruff

Fry: What, that's crazy, that might just be crazy enough to work... ok... here goes!

(at the road block with Sanders, Chancellor, and several other cop cars and cops... guns drawn)

Chancellor: Oh MY! NOOOO

Sanders: What the hell is that nut and his mutt doin?

Chancellor: They're lowering the mower... oh god NOOOO, they engaged the mower

Extra Cop 1: They are mowing right through that yard sir

Chancellor: oh, the humanity... I... I didn't see that coming... that put a quiver in my liver, gkhuh, gkhuh, gkhuh.

Sanders: Who's responsible for this road block

Extra Cop 2: I was sir.

Sanders: You're fryered.

Extra Cop 2: Don't you mean fired.

Sanders: fired... you want flame grilled you go to Burger King boy... they cook it you're way, round here we fryer EVERYTHING... we even use chicken breast for bread... NOW GET OUTTA MY FACE!... CHANCELLOR!

Chancellor: Yes sir

Sanders: Chancellor, get over to Fry's place... I want that menace caught by sundown.

(Chancellor peels out and speeds off to Fry's house... 20 minutes later Fry shows up on his mower)

-scene-

Chapter 1, Scene 7 - The Standoff

(Buddy Tough and Fry pull into his house on the Yard-Man to find several cops waiting on them... they hop off the mower and run into the house which leads to the following exchange)

Extra Cop 1: FRY! BUDDY TOUGH! Come out of the house with your hands and paws up!

Fry: I aim to kill the Colonel and those that done this, and if Officer Chancellor gets in the way, I'm gonna kill him too. So you best get your mind right about what's got to be done

Chancellor: Fry! It's Chancellor... you and Tough need to just come on out, we gotcha surrounded. You'll broke the law... you and Tough... now we gotta system and you just can't break Tough outta jail like that.
Buddy: ruff ruff, ruff
Fry: He says, "Man's got a right to protect his property and his life, and we ain't lettin' no chicken fryer or his lawman take either." Hey, wait... that's my line from Open Range... Buddy you just can't be sayin my lines

Buddy: ruff ruff

Fry: We'll f*** you too!

Buddy: ruff ruff -whine-

Fry: You're right all we gots is each other... CHANCELLOR! Come and get us if you dare!

-scene-

Chapter 3, Scene 2 - Back in Jail: The Conjugal Visit

(The town of Hydro is reeling from the days events, but not everyone is sold on what the Chief of Police, "Colonel" Sanders told them, especially Mona Woods and Linda Issac. They decide to pay Buddy Tough a visit in the kennel after spending a day at the lake in their extremely small bikinis.)

Woods: Ahhh, Buddy... are you alright?

Issac: We've been worrying about you... we made you some home made dog treats, just like on Martha Stewart.

Buddy: ruff -whine-

Issac: oh buddy... tell us what to do... what can we do to help?

Buddy: -whine- ruff, ruff, ruff

Woods: seriously... you want us to.. kiss?

Buddy: RUFF!

Woods: ok

(Woods and Issac begin kissing, slowly at first, then they break out the tongues. Woods hands fall softly onto Issac's breast)

Buddy: -pant, pant, pant-

(they continue to kiss and caress each other for several minutes while Buddy stares and pants uncontrollably with his tongue hanging out of his mouth)

Buddy: -pant, pant, pant-

Issac: Buddy, don't you want to tell us how to get you outta jail... don't you want to tell us your side of the story so we can tell the whole town and they can come rescue you?

Buddy: GRRRRRR!

Issac: OK, OK we'll keep kissing, jeez.

Woods: oh Buddy... quit licking there!

-scene-

Chapter 4, scene 4 - The Death Sentence

(Chancellor backs the car up to the kennel, gets out, and connects a garden hose to his exhaust pipe)

Sanders: HAHA, Buddy, you thought you was tough... but you ain't... seems no one round here wants to see you go free, ain't no one stepped forward to pay your $100 bond. Now my plan is complete... I got the whole town thinking you're a cow killing little b!tch... now people are feeling sorry for the cows and have switched over to eating chicken... my chicken! HHAAAHAHA... and no one even knows about it.

Chancellor: 'specially since that old cooter, Fry, is in jail, gkhuh, gkhuh

(Chancellor opens the kennel, picks up Buddy Tough by the ears, like the late Gerald Ford, and puts him under a cardboard box... he shoves the other end of the garden hose into the box through a hole in the top, gets in the car and guns the gas)

Sanders and Chancellor: - HAHAHAHAHA

Buddy: -whine- RUFF, RUFF, hack, RUFHack, huyhck, ruf, -whine-

Chancellor: I love it, I love it, gkhuh, gkhuh, gkhuh.

(off in the jail cell Fry is sitting on a cot, he hears the engine of the car rev up and a muffled bark)

Fry: NOOOOOOOO!

(back at the scene of the execution Chancellor removes the box, as a big puff of smoke clears Buddy Tough's lifeless body is seen lying on the ground -played by the real Buddy Tough in a special appearance - off in the distance a single violin can be heard playing a somber tune)

-scene-

Chapter 5, scene 2 - The Press Conference

(several dozen people are gathered in the Hydro town hall to hear a press conference by Mayor Bill Glasscock)

Reporter 1: Sir, Sir, can you tell us the condition of Buddy Tough?
Glasscock: I wish I could tell you that Buddy fought the good fight, and the Colonel let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who killed the cow, but we all knew. Things went on like that for two more days - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Buddy would show up with fresh bruises. The Colonel kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Buddy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two days were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him... but no one paid his bail and he was put down.

Reporter 2: Is it true that Buddy was visited in the kennel?

Glasscock: I have no idea to this day what those two Hydro residents were "singing" about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were "singing" about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words (and they had to take their clothes off), and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last dog in Shawshank, er, I mean, the Hydro kennel felt free.

(several flashbulbs go off as pictures are taken of Mona Woods and Linda Issac who are sitting in the front row wearing slutty catholic school girl uniforms)

Town Resident 1: Sir, what do you suggest we do... as a town.

Glasscock: Get busy living or get busy dying... NO MORE QUESTIONS!

-scene-

That's all we can share with you, for now, writers are awaiting the outcome of the trial of Edwin Fry before finishing the script. One thing can be assured... there will be another make out scene between Mona Woods, Linda Issac, and Buddy Tough's angel. Stay tuned. And, don't forget to go see The Great Escape II, Legend of Buddy Tough in Theaters, Summer 2011