Who's Dat; With Slaphand

So, I sent my wife a picture of this lady and asked her to guess who this person was... she guessed Susan Boyle.

It's Sinead O'Connor.

Nuff said.

Are You Shi##ing Me?

In what has to be the biggest acquittal since O.J. got away with hacking his ex-wife to pieces Casey Anthony has been found "not guilty" of murdering her 2-year old daughter, Caylee Anthony.

Seen in the above picture "frantically searching" for her daughter (apparently her friend is searching for her too... "nope, not in her bra," he says) in the month that she claimed her daughter was "missing," and originally spent looking for her, Anthony later changed her story and told the jury that her daughter had accidentally drowned in her parents pool, and with the help of her father, made the accident look like a murder by placing duct tape over the child's mouth and disposing of the body in the woods behind their house. A claim her father denies. Furthermore they claim that Casey was hiding the emotional distress of the event because of sexual abuse by her father. Another claim her father denies.

By hiding emotional distress do they mean partying till all hours of the night, getting tattoos, and whoring around town... apparently so. Because the prosecution showed a plethora of pictures showing Casey looking like a partied up whore who'd f***ed every sad piece of sh!t in town. Like a pony, rode hard, put away wet. Not like the mother of a missing or dead child.

The prosecution all but showed pictures of Casey holding a chloroformed rag over her daughters mouth and evidence of lies and a cover up, but in the end it was ol' "dad looked at me naked" defense that won out. Even the defense noted that just because his client had "told elaborate lies and invented imaginary friends and even a fake father for Caylee," doesn't mean she killed her daughter.

I would contend that it doesn't mean she didn't either, but who am I... just a sane, realistic thinking person who can read through the bullsh!t this crazy a$$ bi#th was dishing out... just a nobody. I mean, maybe it's me but why would anyone, especially a retired cop, decide that it's better to make it look like a child was murdered when they ACCIDENTALLY drowned in the back yard pool. Stress or no stress I just don't effing get how that is better. I mean, as sad as is sounds, kids fall in pools all the time. It's a real bummer of a time (not to make light of it), but I don't recall anyone going to jail over it. So, why go through the effort of covering it up by lying about it.

But, again, who am I? Just some guy who would have smacked the sh!t out of any of those jurors that claimed "if the glove don't fit, we can't convict."

In the end the truth really goes untold and the only loser here is Caylee. I doubt anyone will ever be found responsible for her murder or accidental drowning or whatever. Much like O.J., Casey Anthony will probably have a pretty miserable life but it won't be as miserable as it should have been. And, quite a bit longer, unfortunately.

Put her on my list - - People Who Need A Good A$$ Whoppin'

http://news.yahoo.com/casey-anthony-acquitted-killing-young-daughter-191600480.html

Things I Learned Today: Money Matters

Being a Billionaire Makes One Much Better Looking - It was recently announced that while "broken up for, like, two weeks" from his soon to be wife, Selma Hayek, French billionaire and world class douche, Francois-Henri Pinault fathered a child with former supermodel Linda Evangelista.

Seriously? Look at this a$$-clown (in picture, standing next to Selma Hayeks boobs).

He's old, wrinkly, French, balding, and old.

If this guys not a billionaire the only wool this turd would be able to pull down would be the ones found at your local shi##y bar... you know the one... only half the lights in the sign work, they have a gravel parking lot, a door and no windows, and all the women that frequent the place smoke Marlboro Menthal Lights. Quality chicks!

Instead, because his wallet is such a gawd dam good looking son-of-a-bi#ch he's pulling down the likes of Selma Hayek and Linda Evangelista... while he's playin' bongos with her bongos he Evangelicking hers.

Lucky rich bastard.

(I don't actually know if Francois-Henri Pinault is French, I did not research that, but he looks like it... I can, however, confirm that he is a douche, because he looks like it)

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/gossip/2011/07/linda-evangelista-salma-hayek-francois-henri-pinot.html

Millionaires Fight With Billionaires - With the latest NBA labor negotiations going about as well as Frank McCourt's divorce, it looks like it's going to be awhile before my favorite sport starts up anytime soon. So, what's at the core of this disagreement.

Well, I could bore you with terms like "hard-cap," "revenue shares," and "player benefits," or I could just give you the straight-skinny and tell you this... A bunch of f***ing babies are arguing with a bunch of f***ing whiners and they all want more and they are all f***ing rich already.

In a league where the average salary is $4.3 million a year and most owners wealth is counted by the billions ask me if I give a damn who gets what? Because in the end it's the fans that lose out. The only guarantee that will come out of these negotiations is that my ticket price will not decrease.

So, I have a solution to this problem.

A union representing the fan.

Every fan could join for a small fee and our lawyers could let the league know that we're not going to take this sh!t anymore.

Instead of players going on strike or owners locking them out let's see how everyone reacts when 570,000 strong say, "f*** you, we're not buying tickets till you get your sh!t together."

Now the chances of that ever happening are like a billion to one, which are about the same odds that the NBA season will start on time. But, imagine being able to pull that off.

Hummm, union Steward, B HanDaMan at your service.

Those a$$-clowns wouldn't know what hit 'em.

The Summer of the Superhero Has Been a Bust, Thus far - With 34 of 45 superhero movies for the summer already out at the box office (ok, slight exaggeration) it's safe to say that not everyone gets saved when there's a superhero in the world.

Due to the enormous success of Batman, Spiderman, and most recently, and directly, Iron Man this summer was loaded up with the Superhero genre; Thor, X-Men, Green Lantern, Green Hornet (going back into the spring) , Transformers, etc. The problem is that those movies are not performing to the expectations of the major studios wallets. It's doubtful any of these films will be big losers but they certainly are not pulling in the profits as expected... I have a theory as to why.

Reason 1) There's too many of them. Why release 8 of the same movies. Each one basically has the same premise; guy in a pair of tights saves the world. The story lines are pretty much the exact same; movie starts out with a bang, bad guy sets out to wrong the world, good guy steps in to stop him using his (insert super power here) powers, bad guy fails, world saved, end clip shows something that lends to there being a sequel, end of movie.

I have NEVER understood why Summer dominates the big studio releases. Take a movie like The Green Lantern... about the 5th superhero movie this summer. Opened big, dropped big. Cost about $280 mil to make, won't make that domestically.

Why?

Because the market is saturated with big-time movies.

So, why not release that thing in February. There is nothing but worthless sh*t on in February. February is like the Sahara desert of the movie season, with nothing else to see except maybe a big movie that came out over Christmas that you've already seen. The Green Lantern would have been huge in February.

The 4 biggest movies each week in February (by # of screens): Sanctum, Just Go With It, I am Number 4, and Hall Pass... the Justin Bieber movie was the biggest February released money earner and it only made $12 million the first week.

What would have happened if you opened the Green Lantern during one of those weeks?

Everyone who was bored as sh!t, tired of cold weather, and just wanting to be entertained, even if it's for only two dam hours would go see it. Afterall, what the hell else you gonna see. Bieber Fever? F*** that!

Reason 2) 2 words: Social Media. With all your friends tweeting and posting how the movie they just saw was on Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs there have been record fall-offs for movies after opening weekends this summer.

Opening weekend. You're best friend calls you up and says, "dude, lets catch the new X-men this weekend." But, you can't because your cousin is having his Bar Mitzvah and your HAVE to go. So you say, "Dude, can't... gotta do this jewish thingy... probably catch it next weekend." So that night after you've yelled "malzeltof" you check facebook and your buddy that went to the movie that night has a status update that says, "saw X-men tonight with all my real friends that aren't Jewish... wait till the DVD... seriously, I'm supposed to be interested in a Superhero who is all goody-goody and really doesn't have that cool of powers... bring back Wolverine!"

So, there you go. You're not going to waste your time next weekend seeing if because one of your trusted friends, i.e. not some a$$-clown from your local paper or some big name movie reviewer (whose probably being paid to give it good marks) told you what they thought of the movie. And, the movie drops 60% from one weekend to the next because everybody in America is friends with some dork just like your Jewish friend. Malzeltof!

Reason #3) Storyline. As previously mentioned your plots are a little played out and predictable. I could even buy into the same plot over and over if it were somewhat compelling with the drama that goes along with the action. I saw Transformers this past weekend and although I liked it and would recommend it, two hours into the movie I found myself saying... "Christ, I don't know if I can take another damn robot fight."

Hollywood, I think you're gonna have to mix it up a bit to pull the big money numbers back in; either that or give the genre a rest for a bit.

But, with Captain America still to come out this summer and Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine, and The Avengers coming in the near future it looks like there will be no rest for the weary superhero.

Fight on, oh tight wearing champion of the masses, fight on!

(I successfully used the word "a$$-clown" in each article today... a success in my book)

Tidbits and One Tidbutt

Cradle Robber... Really? - 51-year old Doug Hutchinson, you know him from "The Green Mile" and "Lost," married his 16-year old sweetheart, Courtney Alexis Stodden, on May 20.

The crime here isn't that a 51-year old dirty man married a 16-year old girl, NO, it's that he's trying to pass this chick off as being 16 year's old.

Seriously, look at her (pictured above), there is NO F***ING WAY she is 16. She was 16... 14 year ago.

Apparently her mom had to sign off on the wedding since she is considered a minor... did they have to sign off on the breast implants too? How about those black roots? The crows feet? The old lady trying to be young makeup?

http://www.ecanadanow.com/entertainment/2011/06/21/doug-hutchinson-and-courtney-alexis-stodden-marry/

Dunn Dead - Ryan Dunn of Jackass fame was killed this week in a fiery, 140 mile per hour car crash that, let's face it, any fan of Jackass would have loved to have seen in real life. The guy was famous for being a Jackass and, well, there you go. One interesting side note of this story, it has been wildly entertaining reading in all the major news outlets that Dunn was famous for "placing a toy car in a condom and placing it in his anus" as a prank on Jackass.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/SHOWBIZ/celebrity.news.gossip/06/20/jackass.star.dead/index.html?iref=obinsite

Are You F***ing Serious - Lindsay Lohan has done it AGAIN.

While under house arrest Lohan had a "roof party" and then promptly failed a court-ordered alcohol test this past week.

At a "conference" with an L.A. judge it was ruled Thursday that Lohan's failed alcohol test won't be held against her because of an apparent technical error by a previous judge. The judge told Lohan she was guilty of "extremely poor judgement by having roof parties while on home confinement, but poor judgment is not a violation of your probation."

GAWD DAM IT, WTF. What's she got to do, kill a baby and eat it. For Christ sake won't somebody sack up and put this chick behind bars for real. JESUS! What a f***ing joke! At this point in the game shouldn't she have a cool bad-guy nickname like recently captured mob guy James "Whitey" Bulger. Lindsay "Slick as Snot" Lohan. Lindsay "The MC Hammer of Crime" Lohan ("you can't touch this," in case you missed the reference). Lindsay "Bulletproof" Lohan. Ah, hell, let's just call her C**t-Stuff. That fits.

http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/23/lindsay-lohan-arrives-at-court/?hpt=hp_bn5

Okie's Not O.K. - Recently while in L.A. for some cool-ass celebrity type crap, Oklahoma icon and favorite son, Kevin Durant, was asked "what was there to do for fun in Oklahoma?" to which Durantula replied "nuttin."

This of course inflamed many Oklahomans who think their state kicks ass. Consequently the young Thunder star has been taking some heat in the local media.

So, let me put this baby to rest. I live here. There is nothing to do here. Period. At least compared to N.Y., L.A., Miami, or even Dallas... where a 23 year old kid with money can do ANYTHING he f***ing wants to do.

OKC is perfect for a NBA baller who doesn't want all the big city distractions while trying to win a championship. It's perfect for Durant at this stage in life... but don't expect him to stick around all summer doing "nuttin."

And, for all you die-hard Okies, think back to when you were 23, was there anything to do here? So, shut up.

http://www.newsok.com/did-kevin-durant-diss-okc/article/3579197?custom_click=lead_story_photo

A Rose By Any Other Name... - A buddy of mine sent me an article from the Kansas City Star that reported on an armed robbery with a description of the assailant, it read:

"The robber fled on foot. The suspect is a black man in his mid-20s, about 5 feet 6 with a thin build. He wore a dark baseball cap, a knee-length white T-shirt and ankle-length grey shorts."

Wait... what? Ankle-length grey shorts... don't we call those pants?

http://www.kansascity.com/2011/06/23/2970396/robber-shoots-clerk-at-lenexa.html#ixzz1QDoTAjRo

Back That Thing Up - Kim Kardashian's big ass is real. Due to being asked day in and day out if her phat ass is real or implanted, Kim K went to doctors and had her booty x-rayed to prove that all that ass is for reals.

Guess what? All that junk is not funk. It's real and it's fabulous.

http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/24/kim-k-gets-x-ray-to-prove-her-butts-real/?hpt=hp_c2

Brilliant Idea: Texting a Picture of My Dick

Below is a list of times it is a good idea to send someone a picture of your penis.














OK, just kidding.

But, seriously when is it a good idea to send someone a pic of your junk?

Apparently, not when you are a married U.S. Congressman with a pregnant wife at home... nope, that's not a real good time. That's the kind of crap that gets you kicked out of office and gets the subject of your proud pic cut off in the middle of the night.

But, does sending chicks pictures of your balls and shaft necessarily make you a bad Congressman... maybe not. But lying about it for a week when your dumb ass knew that the only reason someone would be asking about it was because they had proof of it most certainly does. It shows me that your are a retard (with a crooked penis - google the pic) and therefore unworthy of representing the fine people of NY.

Not only that, but apparently your moral compass is all f***ed up and doesn't, unlike your rod, know what direction is up. Your married, with a child on the way and yet you think it's OK to send some chicks on Facebook pictures of your cock and talk all nasty with them. Is that where it ended, was there more?

Ask John Edwards how that turned out for him.

In the attached article it says Congressman Dick reached out to, friend, Bill Clinton to "express regret for his actions."

I'm no expert, but maybe being friends with a guy who "did not have sexual relations with that woman," yet, somehow part of his "sexual relations" ended up on her dress, is not the best idea in the world. Perhaps reaching out to a guy who likes to moisten his cigar tip with a little "cat nip" is not the right political move right now. That's like a smoker reaching out to the Marlboro man to ask how to quit or a sex addict asking Ron Jeremy how to not f*** so much. Dumbass. That's why you shouldn't be a Congressman you're to f***ing stupid.

Besides, who really gives a shit about pictures of franks and beans. After all, everyone does it. Right?

According to a recent MTV study 1 in 3 U.S. teens has participated in "sexting," the act of sending messages of a sexual nature to a recipient. 1 in 5 teens have sent a naked picture of themselves to someone else. Of naked pictures sent 17% of them are forwarded on to someone else.

That poses one very important question... Do these chicks have my number?

Apparently adults are not to far behind the youth of America. Therefore it comes as no surprise that a U.S. Congressman, would send someone a picture of his erect member or Congress. Hell, I keep a naked picture of myself on my phone just in case I need to send the wife one to wet her appetite. (she knows she loves it). I think we all should.

However one needs to really evaluate how one's life would be affected if said picture would somehow get out in public or how things might go down if the picture was sent to the wrong person. For me, being Joe Nobody, if I sent a picture to the wrong person I'd get a reply back simply stating... "you're an idiot" from about 98% of the people in my contact list. The other 2% is made up of people who would be highly offended but whom I would not really care if I had offended and my wife, who would reply back to me, "my appetite is moist."

And, if the picture got out to the public, most people would just say stuff like, "good lord, is he carrying a club!" "What is that a white elephant?" "He is blessed" and "F********ck me." Ok, not really, but we can all dream. Actually, they'd just say, "HAHAHAHA."

Anyway, all I'm saying is don't be an idiot. Don't do stupid stuff. If you get married honor your wife by not being a sexual retard.

I have a theory that this all starts in the dating cycle. We try so hard to be someone who the person we are interested in would like that we don't show them who we actually are. In this case Mrs. Wiener probably never got a nasty Polaroid from Mr. Wiener that would have shown her that he is a total freak. Or, maybe she did and that is why she is so overly understanding of the situation... that, or he beats her. I don't have proof, I'm just saying.

Anyway. Kids, don't take pictures of your parts and send them to other kids. And girls, if you are over the age of 18, hot, and just have to do it... let me know... I'll send you my number.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/POLITICS/06/09/weiner.scandal/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

The End is Near and Other Excuses

Well boys and girls my vacation is over. And, just in time for the end of the world. Yes, according to some Christians this Saturday Jesus Christ will come back to earth and gather all of his faithful to take back to heaven. I doubt I get to join them so I will probably be left here on earth to slug it out with the zombie hordes and non-believers until October 21 when the world cataclysmicly comes to an end.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/05/19/rapture-movement-predicts-end-world-saturday/

The belief started in California (where else) when Harold Camping, owner of Family Radio Worldwide, an independent ministry, began broadcasting his prediction around the world.

On Monday a group called eBible Fellowship, a group who has been spreading Camping's word, met for the last time as an organization to say goodbye to one-another and to pray.

I wonder what that little party was like. Was it like a get-together when someone is leaving for a long period of time or more like a wake? I mean, seriously, this is a group of people that honestly believe that Saturday is the last day of the world. What kind of Debbie-downer party that must of been.

Personally I've been trying to use the talk of our demise to get sex from my wife... I mean if I'm going out, I'm going out on a high note. However, my wife is a non-believer and so far has not succumbed to my pleads for, what I am calling, Apocalyptic Sex. There's make-up sex, there's kids are away at grandmas for the weekend sex, there's "ok, just go ahead and do it" sex but Apocalyptic Sex is bound to be the greatest of them all.

Anyway, all this apocalyptic talk is taking away from my message here. I've been ignoring my little blog for the past couple of months not due to me diligently preparing for the end time, but rather just for two reasons: sheer busyness in my real life and lack of inspiration and will.

Oh sure there we've missed some exciting times.

- Lindsay Lohan pleaded out... of course, and won't spend a day in jail. She could walk into the eBible end of the world party and shoot all of them believers in the head and plead that they were all gonna die on Saturday anyway and just walk away with a stern preaching from the judge and 2 weeks community service. It could happen.

- Charlie Sheen lost his gawd damn mind. You've heard the saying, "crazier than a sh!t-house rat." Well, Charlie makes that rat look pretty credible member of society. How do you f*** up a gig that pays you $2 million to shoot a few scenes for a T.V. Show. He's complained that Chuck Lorre is manipulative and deceitful... BFD, you're making 2 mil a show... f***, I'd have sucked his d!ck for 2 mil a show. (Does that sound gay)

- We killed Osama Bin Laden. I loved how the media has stated that he was living in a mansion in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Look, I've seen a few mansions before and Osama wasn't in one. Granted he wasn't in a cave, sh!tting in a bucket, but come on, they weren't gonna feature his place on cribs anytime soon. I also love how the Pakistanis are acting all tough after we ventured into their country. If I was President I'd simply say, "look Pak... if I want any lip from you I'll scrap it off my damn zipper." And, Pakistan, if you don't want us there, stop us, then see what kinda sh!t storm that ignites. You were knowingly/unknowingly harbouring the most wanted man in the world... simply say, "our bad... glad you got the SOB" and get over it.

- Heidi Montag hasn't shown us her boobs, but recently announced she needed some time off from fame before starting her new show called Famous Food where she and a few other quasi-famous people do something with food, blah di frickin blah... SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!

- People in the Midwest are sick of rain. At first I was like, what did they do but then I remember that all those flooded rivers drain into New Orleans... and god hates New Orleans. How else to explain Katrina, Rita, the worst economy in the country, and oil spills. What's that you say, what about the Super Bowl? That's sorta like giving a death row inmate a final meal, I say. Trust me, the end is near... probably this Saturday.

Anyway, there's tons of other stuff I missed, so sorry for that... but hopefully I can find a little spark to continue to talk sh!t about. Look back soon for more.

I'm Quitting My Job...

...Instead I am going to devote my time looking for images of people in random items.

A couple recently discovered what appears to be the image of The Princes Bride, Kate Middleton in a mango flavored Jelly Belly. The couple plan to sell the bean on eBay with a starting price of 500 pounds (about $800). And, I'm willing to bet some whack job will pay that and more for this quirky little sweet morsel of mango.

If I'm going to be someone who professionally looks for images of people and things in random items I need a cool title... how about, a Random Face Finder, or an Image Collector, uh, uh, I know, a Professional Image Searcher, or a P.I.S. yeah, that's it.

"Hey man, so what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a P.I.S."

"Ohhhhh... what, you gotta pee?"

And, when I'm working I will tell people I'm P.I.S.'n

It'll catch on. Yep, I now plan on spending my days cooking toast, looking through bags of potato chips, and riffling through piles of vegetables (and Jelly Belly's) looking for that random image of Prince William, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Mickey Mouse and the coup de grace... Jesus Christ. I figure a good image of 'ol J.C. on a flour tortilla would bring a five-figure paycheck. HAHA, I'll be rich bitches! Suck on that Jelly Belly!

http://royalwedding.yahoo.com/blogs/man-finds-jelly-bean-with-striking-resemblance-to-kate-middleton-4555