Top 5 Stories of 2009... Slaphanded

The end of the year is always filled with list and we all know I love list, especially top 5 list. So here we go with the Top 5 News Stories of 2009 according to Slap Hand.

5. Jessica Biel exposes herself - What, you say? This beats out swine fever, Iranian elections, and China's expansion; YES! Way back when at the ripe 'ol age of 17 Jessica Biel flashed us some skin in Gear magazine. Ever since that time I have been patiently waiting for something else from her. I was hoping for some paparazzi photos of her on some nude beach from about 6 miles away, or better yet, a "tasteful" spread in Playboy, or the creme de la creme... a sex tape preferably with another woman and not Justin Timberlake, but would have taken either. In 2009 my hopes were answered with a nude scene in a movie. I guess splashing herself with hot wax will have to do for now. Damn she's hot!

http://cyanatrendland.com/2009/05/11/jessica-biel-sexy-strip-dance/

4. Balloon Boy Hoax - See my previous post on this. Latest developments have Balloon Boys Dad and Mom doing some time in lockup, paying some bills and then some serious probation and worst of all - they are not allowed to profit from the incident per court order. It's better than my suggested alternative... take them all out back and kick the shit out of them for being stupid.

http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2009/10/balloon-boy-bolonga.html


3. Politics as Unusual - From our health care fiasco to Afghanistan and Iraq to our struggling economy, politicos from both parties have been dealing with some unusual and difficult topics this year. Slaphand lays claim to no party affiliations unless that party has strippers, snacks, and alcohol. However, I am glad I am not President... that man has taken some heat. The poor guy can't even go on TV to tell our kids to stay in school without causing mass hysteria. I firmly believe the separation between parties will one day put this nation in dire straights... only during the time of national disaster (think 9/11) can we come together as unified nation. I am embarrassed for us at times. I hope it will get better, I hope the issues at hand will be jointly resolved and I hope it happens sooner than later.

p.s. On Afghanistan - put enough troops on the ground to get the fricken job done, get in and get out... don't mickey mouse this shit and don't put a time table on it. Just sayin.

2. Tiger Woods Has Been F***ing Everything - This guy has got more ass this year than a proctologist. Who knew? I now know why he married a white woman... if he pulled this shit on a black woman she'd of beat his ass.

Whereas most Americans believe Tiger made a mistake by cheating on his wife Slaphand thinks he made a mistake getting married. If you were gonna screw everything in sight, don't take the vows. Americans would not have thought the less of you for getting your swerve on then.

p.s. love the tiger jokes, keep em coming... just like tiger (rum pum pum)

1. A Pedophile Dies - This story garnered HUGE amounts of attention. For example, I read somewhere that Michael Jackson had about a million fans signed up on his website prior to his death and after his death it jumped up to over 7 million, something like 30 people a second were becoming fans of his after he died. His music didn't change after he died, it was always kick ass... yeah, I said it... kick ass. I'd be lying if I said the boy didn't make some sic tunes. So where were those fans prior to his death.

The same place I was and still am. Appalled that this freak of nature was free to walk among us.

Prior to his death he wasn't news. He hadn't come out with a good song for as long as I can remember. And, if people did talk about him it was because of all the freaky ass shit he was into.

And don't pretend that you didn't think the guy was a FREAK. Although he was never found guilty in a court of law for f***ing little boys I think we all know what he was doing .

And, what the f*** was up with all his cosmetic surgery. His skin was tighter than a nuns vagina. Ask yourself this, "would I want to hang out with Michael Jackson... would I want my kid to?" I think we know the answer to those questions. Yet after the guy died everyone was a fan.

Appreciate the music... but Michael, himself, said it best... "I'm bad."