WWJS - Who Would Jesus Spank

The Slap Hand has found God.

I give you Hebrews 12:11 - Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

Three words Christian Domestic Discipline

That is why I have given myself to the lord… for the sake of practicing Christian Domestic Discipline.

I first learned about CDD, as it is conviently called, from an aquaintence who claimed to know that a former co-worker of mine practiced CDD with his wife.

So what is CDD?

Well, CDD is marriage in which one partner is given authority over the other, and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking. Yes… SPANKING! (break out the porn music!)

I can not make this sh!t up. There is a whole website dedicated to it; check it out at http://www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com/.

First let me tell you the story behind how I learned about this way of living for the Lord. I was on my way back from a trip and passed a guy on the side of the road and out of the corner of my eye saw that it was a guy I used to work with (we’ll call him “Scott”). I thought, “he must be having car trouble,” so I stopped with the intent of offering assistance. He was in a van and his wife was sitting in the front seat and she looked like she had been crying. He was in the back yelling at one of his kids. He didn’t hear me come up and I said, “is everything OK Scott.” Surprised to see me he said, “oh yeah, just having some family issues.” I figured one of his kids was acting up… he has 9 kids (that’s a story for another time) so I just said, “OK,” we exchanged the typical “how have you been,” lines that people say when they run into each other after not having seen each other for awhile, he thanked me for stopping and then I left.

At work the next week I told one of my other co-workers (we’ll call him “Randy”) that I ran into Scott and that it was kind of a weird scene; he was yelling at his kids and his wife was in front crying. Randy then informed me that he had once had a discussion with Scott about his girlfriend acting like a b!tch and that Scott had told him his wife would never act like that because he practiced “wife spanking.”

I said… “wife spanking?”

He said, “yeah, there’s a technical name for it that Scott used, but I can’t remember what it was… domestic something, but whenever his wife gets out of line, like bitchy or doesn’t do what he wants her to do I guess he spanks her.”

“No f***ing way,” said I

Well, this obviously piqued my interest. It was after a short search on the internets I learned about CDD and my life, and wifes ass, will forever be changed. (note: if you put in “wife spanking” in a search engine prepare to get a whole lot more than just CDD, wink, wink).

First thing to note is that the CDD site says your wife must consent to this form of life choice… well, I’m not gonna lie to you… that’s gonna be a tough sell, so I’m gonna skip that part cause I think it’s bullsh!t. I mean, obviously there are benefits to living this life style of the Lord or they Lord wouldn’t sanction it… so we’re just gonna start living the way the Lord wants me to live. If my wife complains about the spankings she is receiving my response to her will be, “It’s not me… it’s God.”

I mean after all the website says women WANT this… they will act out or be bratty, just to feel your authority. This will make your relationship stronger, but it cautions this will not work overnight, you have to give it time. So even if my wife complains I will keep smackin that ass until it works. So sayeth the Lord.

OK, there are 3 types of spankings (hells yeah , again):

Play Spanking: Is just that; play spanking. However it reminds the wife that the husband is charge and if your ass gets out of line that I’ll spank that ass. I already do this… my wife and I call it “foreplay,” but whatever, it’s pretty much the same thing.

Maintenance Spanking: A little more serious. Administerd at regular intervals in the relationship, it is used to reinforce the roles in a relationship, punish minor infractions, and to remind the submissive of the harsh consequences of acting out. So basically I just randomly spank my wife. Love it.

Punishment Spankings: Given for an infraction or misbehavior. This type of spanking is severe in nature, causes great distress, and usually produces tears. It sounds like abuse to me but, hey… it’s not me… it’s God.

On the topic of tears. The CDD website in the FAQ section has the following questions and answers.

Q. Do I have to spank her to tears?
A. Yes, by spanking her to tears you are allowing her to fully submit and be humbled for her actions.
Slaphand. In other words; tears = corrective behavior - and remember, it’s not me… it’s god.

And, there’s more

Q. Isn't spanking just for kinky play?
A. No, it is a great form of behavior modification and attitude adjustment.
Slaphand. Seriously, it sounds a little kinky… I’m turned on just typing this sh!t.

Q. Does it need to be on the bare bottom?
A. Yes, by having her bottom spanked bare will increase the effectiveness of the spanking and help to teach her.
Slaphand. See I told you… it IS kinky. HELLS YEAH!

(Something else to note, when you click on the Husbands section, which is where the FAQ’s are, of the CDD website it has a picture of a medieval guy with a sword… WTF up with that?)

The CDD website is full of awesome testimonials, bible quotes, and proven facts all explaining why spanking your wife’s bare naked ass will strengthen not only your relationship with each other but also your relationship with God. Here are some notable lines…

CDD - “Submitting to my husband and learning to respect him, as God said for wives to do (Eph. 5:22-24 for one example), strengthened my marriage, and maybe even saved it from disaster.”
Slaphand – See, it works

CDD - “Hardened hearts are for God; man can handle a woman's guilt. It is one of the reasons why women are still attracted to men they know will spank. Among its other uses, hitting a female on presented and bared buttocks hard enough to make her cry is the most common purging technique used by mankind to separate a woman from her guilt. Although often embarrassing for younger women - usually because they told by politically correct ideology that they are too old to spank, it is, nonetheless, so effective as to be known as expelling the demons!”
Slaphand – Women are attracted to men who spank them (which I already knew… I mean that’s right up there with “a good sense of humor,” and “makes a good living”) and it expells demons. Wilst spanking my wife I shall shout “out demon,” knowing that I am expelling her evil ways. Yay for me.

CDD - “When your wife is sinning, exhort her with the Word. Use your Bibles, gents!”
Slaphand – Now I’m supposed to spank her with the Bible… sweet!
CDD - “This needs to be done with gentleness, and often you will need to repeat yourself several times (using similar words) before it sinks in.”
Slaphand – oh wait, I guess I’m just supposed to preach to her with words… while spanking her? SWEET!

CDD - “This is the harshest discipline a husband should administer, and it should always be done privately and with Godly, Biblical love.”
Slaphand – When you do it blame God. Done!

CDD - “When administering physical discipline, take caution not to deliver the lashes anywhere but the buttocks. The first attempt at this punishment should only be delivered by hand so you can get an idea of how many lashings are needed. The best position will be for you to sit at the end of a bed or on a chair (with no arms) and have her lay across your lap. She can also bend over a bed with arms tucked under her chest and your left hand on the small of her back. If a strap (belt) is to be implemented watch that each stoke falls directly on the buttocks and not higher. EDITOR'S NOTE: When using the hand, or a small, short implement, such as a switch or small "hairbrush"-type paddle, over-the-knee positioning can work quite well.”
Slaphand – They even tell you how to spank your wife. Which is awesome. And, you can use a belt, hairbrush paddle, or a switch … this is sounding like abuse again… but hey, it’s not me… it’s God.

CDD - “A fearful wife may begin crying or pleading and find it difficult to remain still. Reassure her. of your intent and love (yes this will hurt, that is why it is a punishment) then instruct her to be still. Remind her that she is not in control of this discipline. You should continue the lashing through her tears and pleas for you to stop, until you are certain the message was received. This will insure her remorse and therefore stop the undesirable behavior.”
Slaphand – Let me play this out, “Quit your damn crying because I love you… and quit squirming and SHUT THE F*** UP (SMACK) (SMACK) It’s not me… IT’S GODDDD (SMACK)…” Yeah, this is going to be epic.

CDD - “Once discipline is administered and repentance is given, we can hopefully move onto the next phase, which is forgiveness and prayer.”
Slaphand – role play again… (SMACK) (SMACK)… and now let’s pray. Or have sex.

The CDD website also recommends warming up her butt before spanking it...

CDD - “Best to start slow and warm up her bottom, spanking her with less intensity and not going full force right out of the gate.”
Slaphand - Yeah, you don’t want to just go crazy smacking that ass… take it easy, warm it up, then beat the sh!t out of it.

CDD - “A warm up ensures you will be able to spank her with greater intensity and for a longer period of time.”
Slaphand - Their website is SO helpful.

What other advantages are there to warming up her bottom, well...

CDD - “Warming her bottom up slowly will also less likely leave bruises even when you continue with harder swats during the discipline or punishment.”
Slaphand - This makes it harder for your wife to press charges.

Also, some other tips on the Warm Up...

CDD - “Warming up your wife's bottom is quite easy, start with lighter and steady even swats that will not overwhelm her are best. If you decide to use an implement rather than you hand pick one that is light weight and flexible, this will give you better control than a heavy one.”
Slaphand - All good points. Wouldn't want to throw the ol' shoulder out wielding a club or something.

And, to be fair the CDD website does point out the obvious...

CDD - “Erotic spankings usually administered by the hand to the bared buttocks. Voluntary nudity and enthusiastic submission are not uncommon. These episodes are more about play than about pain, although depending on the desire of the participants, there may be quite a bit of play and pain. Still, in the scheme of things, they serve a useful purpose because vaginal lubrication signals the first stage of female submission to male prerogatives. That is why it is often the gateway to discovering the virtues of domestic discipline.”
Slaphand – Basically what they are saying is that this sh!t gets your wife off and lubes up the vagina for sex. Duh, why do you think I’m totally buying into this thing.

I could go on, because there is quite literally loads of this crap on their website… by that I mean there is a bunch of stuff on there not that it is full of crap… because this is going to be my new lifestyle and that's no sh!t.

So what should my wife expect going forward with my new Lordly life… well, the CDD website explains that she should expect the following:

1. To lose her pants early to prove he means business. (HELLS YEAH, get naked b!tch)

2. For it to hurt sufficiently to make her cry in repentance. (It’s not me… it’s God)

3. It to get though to her, so that there is no doubt, in her mind or that of her husband, that he is in control. (I AM IN CONTROL… to prove it I will beat that ass until you cry)

4. To feel better emotionally, mentally, and spiritually after it is over. (Don’t you fell better now?)

NOW, with all that said here is what I should realistically expect from my wife.

1. Laughing. She will not take this serious at first… she will probably say things like “you are so full of sh!t,” and “hit me and see what the f*** happens.” We’ll call this stage “denial.”

2. To be hit back. I imagine after the first good, bare bottom smack I give her that I should expect some form of retailiation… probably in the form of being hit by a large wooden object, possibly a plate or glass item or some other inatimate object. There is an outside chance that she will go for one of the kitchen knives, but I am pretty quick and nimble and can probably beat her to the drawer.

3. Insane ranting. I got a good feeling I am going to get my ass chewed after she gets hers beat. I will hear things like, “you motherf***er, you’re dead… when you go to sleep tonight I’m going to cut your f***ing heart out.” But I don’t think she will really mean it… I mean after all this is sanctioned by the Lord, he wouldn’t allow that to happen.

4. A call from a lawyer. I suspect she will try to divorce me... that's her right but it won't solve her problems. Only by giving herself to me will she find the peace that is the Lord... only by offering up her bare naked butt for a good spanking will she ever truly be happy.

I could also possibly face some of the following; a beat down by one or more of her brothers, damage done to my car in the form of dents and bullet holes, a visit by a “police detective,” and penis and/or testical removal via butter knife.

I will gladly take on all of these consequences knowing that CDD promises a better marriage and life of Godliness. The CDD website says, “Live in a manner so as to fulfil your solemn vows of matrimony, to develop a strong family, to serve Jesus Christ as Lord and the centre of your life, and to bring glory to God Almighty.” By SMACKING THAT ASS!

Glory be to God.

Amen.

(Slaphand note: Obviously Slaphand does not condone violence and this Christian Domestic Discipline website is full of sh!t… this is a satirical article, written in jest and it should be taken as such.)

(Unless you think you can get away with it.)

How to Quit With Panache

There hasn't been a time that I have flown somewhere when I haven't felt like kicking the holy sh!t out of some rude ass douche bag on the plane.

The guy I most want to beat the crap out of is the one carrying a garment bag, a laptop bag, pulling a carry on with a paper under his arm. It literally takes him 5 minutes to stow everything and he takes up an entire overhead bin. He always wants the isle seat so the passengers wanting the other seats have to step over him. I'm always behind this guy... waiting. Even at security, I'm waiting on him to empty his pockets, un-stow his laptop, pull out his baggy of liquids, take his shoes off, take his jacket off, fill up 4 f***ing plastic bins, and walk through that damn metal detector 3 times before every piece of metal is off his body.

I f***ing hate that guy. If they had let me carry on my pocket knife I would bury it in this guys back right as he's reaching for the overhead bin probably to the applause of everyone on board... but I digress.

With that said, I seriously don't know how flight attendants deal with the constant retardedness they see on a day to day basis. From the never fliers, to the business wienies, to the family on vacation with the kids that won't shut the f*** up... I don't have a friggin clue how they cope.

So, my hat goes off to Steven Slater, a JetBlue Flight Attendant who apparently had his fill of the crap that goes on daily when one travels by air.

After being hit in the head by a passenger who was unloading a bag from the overhead compartment when he wasn't even supposed to be out of his seat, the flight attendant, Slater, demanded an apology. Instead the passenger offered up his own cleaver response... "F*** You."

That was the straw that broke the motherf***ing camels back!

"To the passenger who just called me a motherf***er: f*** you. I've been in this business 28 years, and I've had it."Slater yelled over the planes P.A. system. Followed by a tirade of cursing and screaming at the aforementioned passenger.

After the speech was done, Slater grabbed a couple of beers, opened the aircraft door, popped the motherf***ing emergency blow up slide and slid the f*** down. He was DONE!

Now that's quitting in style.

Unfortunately the coppers didn't think this as cool as SlapHand and slapped the cuffs on him at his house... see it's illegal to blow out the f***ing slide, steal some beers, and make like Shoots and Ladders.

We'll f*** them. We're behind you Slater... you can be my flight attendant anytime cause I'd love to hear over the P.A. "please return your seats and tray tables to their upright position... I said SIT THE F*** UP A$$HOLE... and next time, DON'T CARRY ON SO MUCH SH!T"

F***ing A right!

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TRAVEL/08/10/new.york.escape.chute.opened/index.html?hpt=P1&iref=NS1

The Legend of Bagher Vance II: Eye of the Tiger

(Somewhere on a golf range in the dark of night…)

Tiger: TWHACK! Damn it, another slice.
(From right in front of tiger, emerging from the dark range walks Bagher Vance)
Tiger: What were you doing out there, I could’ve killed you!
Bagher: Oh no sir, see I set myself directly in front of ya. Judgin' how you were hittin' them balls that's where I figure I'd be out of harms way.
Tiger: F*** You MAN! (Throws club at Bagger)
Bagher: WHOA, WHOA, whoa… what is your problem, boyeee, I’ll whoop you ass if one of dem clubs hits me…
Tiger: I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I don’t know what’s wrong… my game is in the crapper.
Bagher: Sees, I could help ya. My name is Bagher Vance and I could help ya with your game.
Tiger: What’s in it for you?
Bagher: 5 dollars guaranteed. Win or lose, just 5 dollars.
Tiger: Seriously, 5 bucks. No problem… what do I gotta do?
Bagher: See, the trick is... to find your swing.
Tiger: What'd you say?...
Bagher: Well you lost your swing... We got to go find it... Now it's somewhere... in the harmony... of all that is... All that was... All that will be... You just gotta think… Where did you lose it?
Tiger: Probably in Rachel Uchitel’s vagina.
Bagher: What the fu…
Tiger: See I strayed from the path Bagher. I cheated on my wife with more women than I can count… she found out about it and then chased me off with a golf club and caused me to wreck my car into a tree.
Bagher: DAMMMNNNNN. She be trippin big time... uh, I mean... You wanna quit Mr. Woods? You know you can just go ahead and creep off somewhere I'll tell folk you took sick... Truth be told, ain't nobody gonna really object... In fact, they'd probably be happy as bugs in a bake shop to see you pack up and go home...
Tiger: You know I can't quit. I’ve got tons of endorsers counting on me and I’m gonna have to shell out a couple hundred million to my ex to keep her trap shut about the whole thing.
Bagher: A COUPLE HUNDRED MILLION…HOLY SH!T. uh, I mean, I know... Just makin sure you know it too... See what we gotta do is shed some of that weight you be carrying with you.
Tiger: weight?
Bagher: What I'm talkin about is a game... A game that can't be won only played...
Tiger: You don't understand...
Bagher: I don't need to understand... Ain't a soul on this entire earth ain't got a burden to carry he don't understand, you ain't alone in that... But you been carryin' this one long enough... Time to go on... lay it down...
Tiger: I don't know how...
Bagher: You got a choice... You can stop... Or you can start...
Tiger: Start?
Bagher: Walkin...
Tiger: Where?
Bagher: Right back to where you always been... and then stand there... Still... real still... And remember...
Tiger: You really don’t understand
Bagher: Time for you to come on out the shadows Tiger... Time for you to choose...
Tiger: I can't...
Bagher: Yes you can... but you ain't alone... I"m right here with ya... I've been here all along... Now play the game... Your game... The one that only you was meant to play... The one that was given to you when you come into this world... You ready?... Strike that ball Tiger don't hold nothin back give it everything... Now's the time... Let yourself remember... Remember YOUR swing... That's right Tiger, settle yourself... Let's go... Now is the time, Tiger...
Tiger: I f***ed like 40 different women.
Bagher: GAWD! DAMN! Your Motherf***ing swing is gone… kiss that sh!t goodbye. My god man… what the f*** were you thinking.
Tiger: See, I told you, I can't help it, I got women throwing themselves at me... I lost my swing.
Bagher: SH!!!!!!T, you lost more than your swing… you lucky your dick ain’t falled off. Gawd DAMN. How I’m supposed to help you with that.
Tiger: I’m sorry, I am truly sorry.
(long pause while Bagher paces the driving range)
Bagher: Maybe your swing isn’t what we’s looking for… maybe it’s not your swing that's a missing.
Tiger: I don’t understand.
Bagher: What I’m sayin is… Maybe it’s your swagger that’s missing.
Tiger: My swagger?
Bagher: Yeah, your swagger… What was your life like when you were kickin everyone’s ass on the golf course?
Tiger: What do you mean?
Bagher: I mean, what was your lifestyle like? What did you do to relax, what did you do for fun, besides play golf? What made you happy?
Tiger: Uh, I guess I was most happy when I was banging some random skank.
Bagher: That’s what I’m talking about (fist bump)… you gotta find your swagger… Let me show you a little clip on my iPhone.
Tiger: Is that the new iPhone… 4G? How do you like that?
Bagher: Ah damn, this sh!t is tight! Check it, I got GPS, iTunes, apps for movies, music, games… man I got this app that if I hold it up to the night sky it can tell me what star I’m holding it up to. Can you beleed that?
Tiger: Can you keep your golf score on it?
Bagher: Yep, there’s an app for that too.
Tiger: How’s the reception.
Bagher: Uh, not bad… see if I hold it with just these two fingers about 4 inches from my ear it… uh, let’s just get back to this video.
Tiger: Holy crap, is that Ron Jeremy?
Bagher: Yep. Put your eyes on Ron Jeremy... Look at that guys club.
Tiger: Damnnnnnn. That boy is swinging a 1 wood if you know what I mean.
Bagher: Yeah, I know. Look at the way he warms it up… almost like he's searchin for something... Then he finds it... Watch how he settle hisself right into the middle of it, feel that focus... He got a lot of ass he could choose from... Grubbs, Jungers, and Moquin and Rist, there's only ONE piece of ass that's in perfect harmony with the field... One piece of ass that's his, authentic ass, and that fine ass is gonna choose him... There's a perfect piece of ass out there tryin' to find each and every one of us... All we got to do is get ourselves out of its way, to let it choose us... Can't see that slut as some dragon you got to slay... You got to look with soft eyes... See the place where the tides and the seasons and the turnin' of the Earth, all come together... where everything that is, becomes one... You got to seek that place with your soul Tiger... Seek it with your dick, don't think about it... Feel it... Your dick is wiser than your head ever gonna be... Now I can't take you there Tiger, as much as I want to tap that ass with you... Just hopes I can help you find a way... Just you... that ass... that nice piece of trim... and all you are...
Tiger: Whoooaaaaa.
(Pause while they watch Ron Jeremy tear that ass up)
Bagher: I know… I always felt like a mans grip on his dick just like his grip on his world… so whatchu think?
Tiger: I can’t do it Bagher. It was too long ago.
Bagher: No it wasn’t, it was just a moment ago.
Tiger: What about my wife.
Bagher: You mean your EX wife… sounds like to me someone be living too much in the past and needs to get on livin with the future. Yep, the rhythm of the game is just like the rhythm of your sex life. In other words… you need to move the f*** on.
Tiger: You’re right. I need to get my swagger back. I need to get back on the course… and the only way to do that is to F*** THE LIVING SH!T OUT OF EVERYTHING!
Bagher: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN BOUT. Now you got it.
Tiger: Thanks Bagher… I don’t know what to say. I guess you want that 5 dollars now.
Bagher: F*** that sh!t… That was before I knew you where shelling out millions to you ex… I want a mil and a half… for starters.
Tiger: That figures… any other advice you can give me.
Bagher: yeah… just bash the livin shit out of that ass.
(high five and scene... print it!)

Worst Invention Ever

Two things have me upset today...

1. My vacation is over.

2. I saw a commercial for the worst invention ever. The Cami Secret.

The Cami Secret is a piece of cloth about the size of a handkerchief that a woman would connect to her bra straps that lays across her chest to cover up her cleavage while wearing a low cut blouse.

Who in their right mind invents a device designed to cover up a woman's cleavage. I swear to all that is holy if a man invented this I will track him down like a coon, kill him, and make a hat out of his skin.

Cleavage rocks. Cleavage is power. It should not be covered up... it should be revered, worshiped, it should be showered with confetti in a parade.

Just look at this lame ass commercial.
http://camisecret.com/Default.asp?bhcp=1

The woman in the video is kinda hot, her cleavage is happenin. Yet she is all embarrassed, pulling up her sweater like she's ashamed. I guarantee the guy in the video is thinking, "Wow! I gotta give this chick a raise... after all she's giving me one... in my pants."

After she puts on the Cami Secret he's thinking, "hmmm, when did my grandma start working here. Surely there is some other young, hot, cleavage bearing woman out there who would like to work for me more than nun Mary here."

They also claim is saves you the embarrassment of having your blouse pop open by faulty safety pins or other devices used to hide your cleavage. If I am on a date and a woman's blouse pops open I would probably propose to her right at that moment... at the very least I'd pick up the tab and a new pair of underwear after I soiled mine.

In fact, if someone were savvy enough they'd invent a device that pops open revealing a lush bounty of cleavage to the gazing eye. I can hear the commercial now... "Tired of not feeling attractive, not being noticed, not garnering the attention of would be suitors... well, now there's Cami Poppers. With the subtle flex of your shoulders go from boring to BaBoom, from ho-hum to Holy-Sh!t. (Cami Poppers are a patent pending device that work by popping open your blouse using a spring activated mechanism that operates by simply gently flexing your shoulders revealing eye popping cleavage). That attractive coworker not noticing you (flex, POP!) 'Hey, how are you?' Your boss not going to give you that raise (flex, POP!) 'I hope two grand a week is OK.' Yes, Cami Poppers are guaranteed to take you from being 'that girl over there,' to 'you know... the one with the tits,' in no time at all. (Cami poppers are not sold in stores) And if you order in the next hour Cami Poppers will make available to you Cami Nips, siliconized nipple inserts that make it look cold in here... all the time. FOR FREE! Yes sir, the headlights ARE on. Order yours today!"

Cami Poppers would kill it.

Cami Secret, on the other hand, will get you fired, ignored, and lends itself to a celibate life. Cami Secret is the devil's work. They reek of Communism. It is a clothing favorite of 40 year old single virgins everywhere. You know the one... she looks down her nose at you for wearing a skirt that rises above your ankles, she wears long sleeve shirts, even in summer, everything she owns is plaid, yeah, that troll, you know who we're talking about.

So, all you women out there, don't fall for the trap. Be proud to bear your boob crack. Flaunt it. Frame it. Don't be ashamed... be awesome. Cleavage ROCKS!

p.s. If you don't believe me, look at what Allison Mosier has to say. You may recognize her from the infomercial for Cami Secret... in her blog she states, "The Cami Secret is a modern day version of the Dickie that covers up cleavage. Now why on earth would you want to do that? In the commercial I get to sport an unattractive bra and then repeatedly cover up the only thing that makes the bra look good." Nuff said. - http://allison-mosier.blogspot.com/