(Somewhere on a golf range in the dark of night…)Tiger: TWHACK! Damn it, another slice.
(From right in front of tiger, emerging from the dark range walks Bagher Vance)
Tiger: What were you doing out there, I could’ve killed you!
Bagher: Oh no sir, see I set myself directly in front of ya. Judgin' how you were hittin' them balls that's where I figure I'd be out of harms way.
Tiger: F*** You MAN! (Throws club at Bagger)
Bagher: WHOA, WHOA, whoa… what is your problem, boyeee, I’ll whoop you ass if one of dem clubs hits me…
Tiger: I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I don’t know what’s wrong… my game is in the crapper.
Bagher: Sees, I could help ya. My name is Bagher Vance and I could help ya with your game.
Tiger: What’s in it for you?
Bagher: 5 dollars guaranteed. Win or lose, just 5 dollars.
Tiger: Seriously, 5 bucks. No problem… what do I gotta do?
Bagher: See, the trick is... to find your swing.
Tiger: What'd you say?...
Bagher: Well you lost your swing... We got to go find it... Now it's somewhere... in the harmony... of all that is... All that was... All that will be... You just gotta think… Where did you lose it?
Tiger: Probably in Rachel Uchitel’s vagina.
Bagher: What the fu…
Tiger: See I strayed from the path Bagher. I cheated on my wife with more women than I can count… she found out about it and then chased me off with a golf club and caused me to wreck my car into a tree.
Bagher: DAMMMNNNNN. She be trippin big time... uh, I mean... You wanna quit Mr. Woods? You know you can just go ahead and creep off somewhere I'll tell folk you took sick... Truth be told, ain't nobody gonna really object... In fact, they'd probably be happy as bugs in a bake shop to see you pack up and go home...
Tiger: You know I can't quit. I’ve got tons of endorsers counting on me and I’m gonna have to shell out a couple hundred million to my ex to keep her trap shut about the whole thing.
Bagher: A COUPLE HUNDRED MILLION…HOLY SH!T. uh, I mean, I know... Just makin sure you know it too... See what we gotta do is shed some of that weight you be carrying with you.
Tiger: weight?
Bagher: What I'm talkin about is a game... A game that can't be won only played...
Tiger: You don't understand...
Bagher: I don't need to understand... Ain't a soul on this entire earth ain't got a burden to carry he don't understand, you ain't alone in that... But you been carryin' this one long enough... Time to go on... lay it down...
Tiger: I don't know how...
Bagher: You got a choice... You can stop... Or you can start...
Tiger: Start?
Bagher: Walkin...
Tiger: Where?
Bagher: Right back to where you always been... and then stand there... Still... real still... And remember...
Tiger: You really don’t understand
Bagher: Time for you to come on out the shadows Tiger... Time for you to choose...
Tiger: I can't...
Bagher: Yes you can... but you ain't alone... I"m right here with ya... I've been here all along... Now play the game... Your game... The one that only you was meant to play... The one that was given to you when you come into this world... You ready?... Strike that ball Tiger don't hold nothin back give it everything... Now's the time... Let yourself remember... Remember YOUR swing... That's right Tiger, settle yourself... Let's go... Now is the time, Tiger...
Tiger: I f***ed like 40 different women.
Bagher: GAWD! DAMN! Your Motherf***ing swing is gone… kiss that sh!t goodbye. My god man… what the f*** were you thinking.
Tiger: See, I told you, I can't help it, I got women throwing themselves at me... I lost my swing.
Bagher: SH!!!!!!T, you lost more than your swing… you lucky your dick ain’t falled off. Gawd DAMN. How I’m supposed to help you with that.
Tiger: I’m sorry, I am truly sorry.
(long pause while Bagher paces the driving range)
Bagher: Maybe your swing isn’t what we’s looking for… maybe it’s not your swing that's a missing.
Tiger: I don’t understand.
Bagher: What I’m sayin is… Maybe it’s your swagger that’s missing.
Tiger: My swagger?
Bagher: Yeah, your swagger… What was your life like when you were kickin everyone’s ass on the golf course?
Tiger: What do you mean?
Bagher: I mean, what was your lifestyle like? What did you do to relax, what did you do for fun, besides play golf? What made you happy?
Tiger: Uh, I guess I was most happy when I was banging some random skank.
Bagher: That’s what I’m talking about (fist bump)… you gotta find your swagger… Let me show you a little clip on my iPhone.
Tiger: Is that the new iPhone… 4G? How do you like that?
Bagher: Ah damn, this sh!t is tight! Check it, I got GPS, iTunes, apps for movies, music, games… man I got this app that if I hold it up to the night sky it can tell me what star I’m holding it up to. Can you beleed that?
Tiger: Can you keep your golf score on it?
Bagher: Yep, there’s an app for that too.
Tiger: How’s the reception.
Bagher: Uh, not bad… see if I hold it with just these two fingers about 4 inches from my ear it… uh, let’s just get back to this video.
Tiger: Holy crap, is that Ron Jeremy?
Bagher: Yep. Put your eyes on Ron Jeremy... Look at that guys club.
Tiger: Damnnnnnn. That boy is swinging a 1 wood if you know what I mean.
Bagher: Yeah, I know. Look at the way he warms it up… almost like he's searchin for something... Then he finds it... Watch how he settle hisself right into the middle of it, feel that focus... He got a lot of ass he could choose from... Grubbs, Jungers, and Moquin and Rist, there's only ONE piece of ass that's in perfect harmony with the field... One piece of ass that's his, authentic ass, and that fine ass is gonna choose him... There's a perfect piece of ass out there tryin' to find each and every one of us... All we got to do is get ourselves out of its way, to let it choose us... Can't see that slut as some dragon you got to slay... You got to look with soft eyes... See the place where the tides and the seasons and the turnin' of the Earth, all come together... where everything that is, becomes one... You got to seek that place with your soul Tiger... Seek it with your dick, don't think about it... Feel it... Your dick is wiser than your head ever gonna be... Now I can't take you there Tiger, as much as I want to tap that ass with you... Just hopes I can help you find a way... Just you... that ass... that nice piece of trim... and all you are...
Tiger: Whoooaaaaa.
(Pause while they watch Ron Jeremy tear that ass up)
Bagher: I know… I always felt like a mans grip on his dick just like his grip on his world… so whatchu think?
Tiger: I can’t do it Bagher. It was too long ago.
Bagher: No it wasn’t, it was just a moment ago.
Tiger: What about my wife.
Bagher: You mean your EX wife… sounds like to me someone be living too much in the past and needs to get on livin with the future. Yep, the rhythm of the game is just like the rhythm of your sex life. In other words… you need to move the f*** on.
Tiger: You’re right. I need to get my swagger back. I need to get back on the course… and the only way to do that is to F*** THE LIVING SH!T OUT OF EVERYTHING!
Bagher: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN BOUT. Now you got it.
Tiger: Thanks Bagher… I don’t know what to say. I guess you want that 5 dollars now.
Bagher: F*** that sh!t… That was before I knew you where shelling out millions to you ex… I want a mil and a half… for starters.
Tiger: That figures… any other advice you can give me.
Bagher: yeah… just bash the livin shit out of that ass.
(high five and scene... print it!)
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