WWJS - Who Would Jesus Spank

The Slap Hand has found God.

I give you Hebrews 12:11 - Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

Three words Christian Domestic Discipline

That is why I have given myself to the lord… for the sake of practicing Christian Domestic Discipline.

I first learned about CDD, as it is conviently called, from an aquaintence who claimed to know that a former co-worker of mine practiced CDD with his wife.

So what is CDD?

Well, CDD is marriage in which one partner is given authority over the other, and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking. Yes… SPANKING! (break out the porn music!)

I can not make this sh!t up. There is a whole website dedicated to it; check it out at http://www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com/.

First let me tell you the story behind how I learned about this way of living for the Lord. I was on my way back from a trip and passed a guy on the side of the road and out of the corner of my eye saw that it was a guy I used to work with (we’ll call him “Scott”). I thought, “he must be having car trouble,” so I stopped with the intent of offering assistance. He was in a van and his wife was sitting in the front seat and she looked like she had been crying. He was in the back yelling at one of his kids. He didn’t hear me come up and I said, “is everything OK Scott.” Surprised to see me he said, “oh yeah, just having some family issues.” I figured one of his kids was acting up… he has 9 kids (that’s a story for another time) so I just said, “OK,” we exchanged the typical “how have you been,” lines that people say when they run into each other after not having seen each other for awhile, he thanked me for stopping and then I left.

At work the next week I told one of my other co-workers (we’ll call him “Randy”) that I ran into Scott and that it was kind of a weird scene; he was yelling at his kids and his wife was in front crying. Randy then informed me that he had once had a discussion with Scott about his girlfriend acting like a b!tch and that Scott had told him his wife would never act like that because he practiced “wife spanking.”

I said… “wife spanking?”

He said, “yeah, there’s a technical name for it that Scott used, but I can’t remember what it was… domestic something, but whenever his wife gets out of line, like bitchy or doesn’t do what he wants her to do I guess he spanks her.”

“No f***ing way,” said I

Well, this obviously piqued my interest. It was after a short search on the internets I learned about CDD and my life, and wifes ass, will forever be changed. (note: if you put in “wife spanking” in a search engine prepare to get a whole lot more than just CDD, wink, wink).

First thing to note is that the CDD site says your wife must consent to this form of life choice… well, I’m not gonna lie to you… that’s gonna be a tough sell, so I’m gonna skip that part cause I think it’s bullsh!t. I mean, obviously there are benefits to living this life style of the Lord or they Lord wouldn’t sanction it… so we’re just gonna start living the way the Lord wants me to live. If my wife complains about the spankings she is receiving my response to her will be, “It’s not me… it’s God.”

I mean after all the website says women WANT this… they will act out or be bratty, just to feel your authority. This will make your relationship stronger, but it cautions this will not work overnight, you have to give it time. So even if my wife complains I will keep smackin that ass until it works. So sayeth the Lord.

OK, there are 3 types of spankings (hells yeah , again):

Play Spanking: Is just that; play spanking. However it reminds the wife that the husband is charge and if your ass gets out of line that I’ll spank that ass. I already do this… my wife and I call it “foreplay,” but whatever, it’s pretty much the same thing.

Maintenance Spanking: A little more serious. Administerd at regular intervals in the relationship, it is used to reinforce the roles in a relationship, punish minor infractions, and to remind the submissive of the harsh consequences of acting out. So basically I just randomly spank my wife. Love it.

Punishment Spankings: Given for an infraction or misbehavior. This type of spanking is severe in nature, causes great distress, and usually produces tears. It sounds like abuse to me but, hey… it’s not me… it’s God.

On the topic of tears. The CDD website in the FAQ section has the following questions and answers.

Q. Do I have to spank her to tears?
A. Yes, by spanking her to tears you are allowing her to fully submit and be humbled for her actions.
Slaphand. In other words; tears = corrective behavior - and remember, it’s not me… it’s god.

And, there’s more

Q. Isn't spanking just for kinky play?
A. No, it is a great form of behavior modification and attitude adjustment.
Slaphand. Seriously, it sounds a little kinky… I’m turned on just typing this sh!t.

Q. Does it need to be on the bare bottom?
A. Yes, by having her bottom spanked bare will increase the effectiveness of the spanking and help to teach her.
Slaphand. See I told you… it IS kinky. HELLS YEAH!

(Something else to note, when you click on the Husbands section, which is where the FAQ’s are, of the CDD website it has a picture of a medieval guy with a sword… WTF up with that?)

The CDD website is full of awesome testimonials, bible quotes, and proven facts all explaining why spanking your wife’s bare naked ass will strengthen not only your relationship with each other but also your relationship with God. Here are some notable lines…

CDD - “Submitting to my husband and learning to respect him, as God said for wives to do (Eph. 5:22-24 for one example), strengthened my marriage, and maybe even saved it from disaster.”
Slaphand – See, it works

CDD - “Hardened hearts are for God; man can handle a woman's guilt. It is one of the reasons why women are still attracted to men they know will spank. Among its other uses, hitting a female on presented and bared buttocks hard enough to make her cry is the most common purging technique used by mankind to separate a woman from her guilt. Although often embarrassing for younger women - usually because they told by politically correct ideology that they are too old to spank, it is, nonetheless, so effective as to be known as expelling the demons!”
Slaphand – Women are attracted to men who spank them (which I already knew… I mean that’s right up there with “a good sense of humor,” and “makes a good living”) and it expells demons. Wilst spanking my wife I shall shout “out demon,” knowing that I am expelling her evil ways. Yay for me.

CDD - “When your wife is sinning, exhort her with the Word. Use your Bibles, gents!”
Slaphand – Now I’m supposed to spank her with the Bible… sweet!
CDD - “This needs to be done with gentleness, and often you will need to repeat yourself several times (using similar words) before it sinks in.”
Slaphand – oh wait, I guess I’m just supposed to preach to her with words… while spanking her? SWEET!

CDD - “This is the harshest discipline a husband should administer, and it should always be done privately and with Godly, Biblical love.”
Slaphand – When you do it blame God. Done!

CDD - “When administering physical discipline, take caution not to deliver the lashes anywhere but the buttocks. The first attempt at this punishment should only be delivered by hand so you can get an idea of how many lashings are needed. The best position will be for you to sit at the end of a bed or on a chair (with no arms) and have her lay across your lap. She can also bend over a bed with arms tucked under her chest and your left hand on the small of her back. If a strap (belt) is to be implemented watch that each stoke falls directly on the buttocks and not higher. EDITOR'S NOTE: When using the hand, or a small, short implement, such as a switch or small "hairbrush"-type paddle, over-the-knee positioning can work quite well.”
Slaphand – They even tell you how to spank your wife. Which is awesome. And, you can use a belt, hairbrush paddle, or a switch … this is sounding like abuse again… but hey, it’s not me… it’s God.

CDD - “A fearful wife may begin crying or pleading and find it difficult to remain still. Reassure her. of your intent and love (yes this will hurt, that is why it is a punishment) then instruct her to be still. Remind her that she is not in control of this discipline. You should continue the lashing through her tears and pleas for you to stop, until you are certain the message was received. This will insure her remorse and therefore stop the undesirable behavior.”
Slaphand – Let me play this out, “Quit your damn crying because I love you… and quit squirming and SHUT THE F*** UP (SMACK) (SMACK) It’s not me… IT’S GODDDD (SMACK)…” Yeah, this is going to be epic.

CDD - “Once discipline is administered and repentance is given, we can hopefully move onto the next phase, which is forgiveness and prayer.”
Slaphand – role play again… (SMACK) (SMACK)… and now let’s pray. Or have sex.

The CDD website also recommends warming up her butt before spanking it...

CDD - “Best to start slow and warm up her bottom, spanking her with less intensity and not going full force right out of the gate.”
Slaphand - Yeah, you don’t want to just go crazy smacking that ass… take it easy, warm it up, then beat the sh!t out of it.

CDD - “A warm up ensures you will be able to spank her with greater intensity and for a longer period of time.”
Slaphand - Their website is SO helpful.

What other advantages are there to warming up her bottom, well...

CDD - “Warming her bottom up slowly will also less likely leave bruises even when you continue with harder swats during the discipline or punishment.”
Slaphand - This makes it harder for your wife to press charges.

Also, some other tips on the Warm Up...

CDD - “Warming up your wife's bottom is quite easy, start with lighter and steady even swats that will not overwhelm her are best. If you decide to use an implement rather than you hand pick one that is light weight and flexible, this will give you better control than a heavy one.”
Slaphand - All good points. Wouldn't want to throw the ol' shoulder out wielding a club or something.

And, to be fair the CDD website does point out the obvious...

CDD - “Erotic spankings usually administered by the hand to the bared buttocks. Voluntary nudity and enthusiastic submission are not uncommon. These episodes are more about play than about pain, although depending on the desire of the participants, there may be quite a bit of play and pain. Still, in the scheme of things, they serve a useful purpose because vaginal lubrication signals the first stage of female submission to male prerogatives. That is why it is often the gateway to discovering the virtues of domestic discipline.”
Slaphand – Basically what they are saying is that this sh!t gets your wife off and lubes up the vagina for sex. Duh, why do you think I’m totally buying into this thing.

I could go on, because there is quite literally loads of this crap on their website… by that I mean there is a bunch of stuff on there not that it is full of crap… because this is going to be my new lifestyle and that's no sh!t.

So what should my wife expect going forward with my new Lordly life… well, the CDD website explains that she should expect the following:

1. To lose her pants early to prove he means business. (HELLS YEAH, get naked b!tch)

2. For it to hurt sufficiently to make her cry in repentance. (It’s not me… it’s God)

3. It to get though to her, so that there is no doubt, in her mind or that of her husband, that he is in control. (I AM IN CONTROL… to prove it I will beat that ass until you cry)

4. To feel better emotionally, mentally, and spiritually after it is over. (Don’t you fell better now?)

NOW, with all that said here is what I should realistically expect from my wife.

1. Laughing. She will not take this serious at first… she will probably say things like “you are so full of sh!t,” and “hit me and see what the f*** happens.” We’ll call this stage “denial.”

2. To be hit back. I imagine after the first good, bare bottom smack I give her that I should expect some form of retailiation… probably in the form of being hit by a large wooden object, possibly a plate or glass item or some other inatimate object. There is an outside chance that she will go for one of the kitchen knives, but I am pretty quick and nimble and can probably beat her to the drawer.

3. Insane ranting. I got a good feeling I am going to get my ass chewed after she gets hers beat. I will hear things like, “you motherf***er, you’re dead… when you go to sleep tonight I’m going to cut your f***ing heart out.” But I don’t think she will really mean it… I mean after all this is sanctioned by the Lord, he wouldn’t allow that to happen.

4. A call from a lawyer. I suspect she will try to divorce me... that's her right but it won't solve her problems. Only by giving herself to me will she find the peace that is the Lord... only by offering up her bare naked butt for a good spanking will she ever truly be happy.

I could also possibly face some of the following; a beat down by one or more of her brothers, damage done to my car in the form of dents and bullet holes, a visit by a “police detective,” and penis and/or testical removal via butter knife.

I will gladly take on all of these consequences knowing that CDD promises a better marriage and life of Godliness. The CDD website says, “Live in a manner so as to fulfil your solemn vows of matrimony, to develop a strong family, to serve Jesus Christ as Lord and the centre of your life, and to bring glory to God Almighty.” By SMACKING THAT ASS!

Glory be to God.

Amen.

(Slaphand note: Obviously Slaphand does not condone violence and this Christian Domestic Discipline website is full of sh!t… this is a satirical article, written in jest and it should be taken as such.)

(Unless you think you can get away with it.)