Things I Learned This Week: A Moanzie Special

White Trash Alert: A Three Forks, MT man was arrested this week after beating up his pregnant sister at her wedding with a monkey wrench… I know there is a lot there to take in there… take your time.

http://www.bozemandailychronicle.com/news/article_2d5fd990-b491-11df-bfa2-001cc4c03286.html?utm_source=BDC+Bot&utm_medium=twitter

David James Sicotte showed up uninvited to his sisters wedding and reportedly pushed his sister’s new mother-in-law to the ground then went after his sister caveman style with a monkey wrench. The sisted slapped Sicotte, so he hit her in the face with the wrench, cutting her mouth open.

Apparently Sicotte was drunk; which is pretty much a prerequisite for showing up uninvited to your pregnant sisters wedding.

The cops arrested Sicotte as he was leaving the building with wrench in hand. He was reportedly upset he was not able to make the reception.

1 of 2 things has happened here:

Sicotte was very upset that his sister had got herself pregnant and was being forced to marry a man she didn’t want to marry, so he took matters into his own hand and attempted to save her from an unwanted life.

- or –

Sicotte, got liquored up because he was pissed his sister didn’t want to invite his white trash ass to her wedding because she knew he’d make a big scene, so he decided to teach her a thing or two about who she should and shouldn’t invite.

I’m going with #2.


Chimney Sweeper Wanted: A Bakersfield, CA woman was found dead and decomposing inside the chimney of her once boyfriend’s house.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38939858/ns/us_news-life/

It took five hours for firefighters to dismantle enough of the chimney to remove the body of Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac. She apparently tried to force her way into the home by sliding down the chimney of her on again/off again boyfriend. The boyfriend had left the home earlier to “avoid a confrontation.” It wasn’t until a house sitter went into the home to water the plants that the good doctors body could be smelt rotting in the chimney and pools of “liquid” were noticed in the fireplace.

The woman was dressed in a red felt suit trimmed out in with white fur and had on a like hat with a furry ball on the end… ok, I made that part up, but wouldn’t that have taken this story right over the top.

I can honestly say that I have never had that type of effect on a woman; where she either loves me so effin much that she will do anything to see and or be with me which apparently includes climbing on my roof and trying to shimmy her ass down my chimney just to see if I am home, or where she is bat shit crazy enough to climb on my roof and then shimmy her ass down my chimney to try to kill me.

I apparently am not desirable enough to drive a woman to such extremes or my wife if just not insane… I’m not sure which it is.


What is that, A Bic brand 7-iron?: A California golfer this week started a 12-acre fire after his golf club struck a rock that sparked the grass in the dry rough.

http://outofbounds.nbcsports.com/2010/08/errant-golf-swing-sets-course-on-fire.html.php

The man, whose name has been withheld, stated that he had hit his ball into the rough and on his second shot at Shady Canyon Golf Course in Irvine, CA his club ignited a fire that he was apparently just to damn drunk to put out… Ok, it didn’t say he was drunk, but come on… he seriously couldn’t put out a fire that he started with a golf club. This all smells pretty fishy.

Let me tell you what really happened. Joe Slice, as we’ll call him, while smoking a cigar and drinking his 5th Arnold Palmer of the morning tripped over a rock while looking for his ball that he sliced way the f*** out-a-bounds. When Joe tripped he dropped his cigar in the dry grass, however he amazingly managed to save his drink. Joe popped back up out of the grass declaring "I saved the drink," to the incessant razzing of his friends who were equally inebriated. “Nice recovery Joe, don’t suppose you saw your ball on that trip,” hahahahah. At that moment the grass ignited. Instead of pouring his drink onto the fire Joe started dancing around screaming, “Look, I am so f***ing hot… I’m on fire… my golf game is on fire b!tc#es.”

I know this because that is what we drunks do.

Note to self: Bring fire extinguisher on next golf outing.