Lindsey = Amazing

Lindsey Lohan continues to amaze the sh!t out of me. This C U Next Tuesday has failed a recent drug test and is looking at jail time again (yeah right).

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100920/people_nm/us_lindsaylohan_2

As you'll see in one of my previous post (http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2010/07/no-f-you-lindsay.html) I was worried that a 90 day jail stint and a 90 rehab stint might just clean this menace to society up... but I should have known that Lindsey would only serve about 37 days total in jail and rehab. I should have known that no one in L.A. would have the balls to put a celebrity in jail for reals. Now I'm no expert but I don't think 37 days is enough for someone who has REPEATEDLY failed at reform. REPEATEDLY shown that they can't get their sh!t together. And, REPEATEDLY shown a total lack of respect for the judicial system. And, it looks like I am right since her dumb a$$ is back in trouble.

Let's run through a Lohan time line.

February 2, 2005: A personal-injury suit is filed against Lohan by Eddie Pamilton and Ilex Harris, who claim the actress injured them in a traffic accident that took place the year before.

October 4, 2005: Lohan is transported to a hospital for minor injuries after she crashes her car into another vehicle in West Hollywood, California. The then-19-year-old actress collided into the passenger's side of a van that was turning in front of her, which then collided with a parked van. A passenger in Lohan's car and the driver of the van suffered moderate injuries and were transported by ambulance to an undisclosed hospital.

January 2006: Vanity Fair reports that Lohan admitted she had bulimia during an interview, but Lohan denies that she has an eating disorder. The article quotes Lohan as saying, "I was sick. Everyone was scared. And I was scared too. I had people sit me down and say, 'You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself.' "

January 2007: Lohan checks into rehab for the first time. "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health," the singer says in a statement. "I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time." In December, Lohan's publicist revealed that Lohan had been voluntarily attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

May 26, 2007: Lohan gets arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after her Mercedes convertible strikes a curb in Los Angeles. Police reported that they found a substance they believe to be cocaine at the scene.

May 28, 2007: Lohan checks into rehab again. "Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day," a representative for the singer/actress says in a statement. "Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility."

June 14, 2007: Lohan is accused of being drunk when she crashed into a parked van in Beverly Hills in October 2005, according to a lawsuit. Raymundo Ortega claims Lohan — who was 19 years old at the time — "consumed alcohol and became intoxicated" at the Ivy restaurant before the accident.

July, 14, 2007: Lohan checks out of Promises rehab facility after more than six weeks and celebrates the end of her 45-day stay by soberly partying with some friends at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas.

July 24, 2007: Less than two weeks after leaving a rehabilitation facility, Lohan is pulled over by police early in the morning and arrested on five counts, including driving under the influence of alcohol, driving on a suspended license and possession of narcotics. Lohan checks into an undisclosed rehab facility hours after the arrest.

August 14, 2007: Lohan gets sued again, this time for assault and negligence by one of the passengers who was traveling in the car the actress allegedly chased the month prior while driving under the influence.

August 23, 2007: Lohan gets charged with seven misdemeanor counts for her two DUI arrests earlier that year. She reaches a plea deal, saying she would spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug-treatment program. Lohan is placed on 36 months' probation and required to complete an 18-month alcohol-education program and pay hundreds of dollars in fines. She also is to finish a three-day county coroner program that required her to visit a morgue and talk to victims of drunken drivers. "It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs," Lohan writes in a statement released to MTV News.

October 5, 2007: Lohan leaves a two-month rehab stint at the Cirque Lodge Treatment Center in Utah. She is also seen with her estranged father, Michael, who was carrying her suitcases.

December 31, 2007: In a video posted on TMZ, Lohan drinks straight from a bottle of champagne while partying in Italy.

October 16, 2009: Lohan shows up more than an hour late to a probation hearing in Beverly Hills for a progress review on her two DUI cases. She gets another year of probation tacked on due to failure to complete alcohol-education classes as required.

April 26, 2010: Lohan is asked to leave the film "The Other Side." The director says Lohan was fired because she is not "bankable."

June 8, 2010: A Beverly Hills judge issues an arrest warrant for Lohan and orders her to post $200,000 bail after she violates a court order to not consume alcohol while wearing a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. The warrant is recalled after bail is posted.

July 6, 2010: Lohan is sentenced to 90 days in jail and 90 days in rehab for violating her probation.

September 13, 2010: Lohan sodomizes a cub scout troop with the handle of cast iron frying pan. She is sentenced to 45 days in jail but will only serve 2 in which she will mostly be in processing and won't actually have to be "in jail."

Ok, so I made that last one up, but would it surprise you. All of the above and none of that even mentions the fact that she wrote "f*** you" on her fingernail while in court, was told not to leave the state of California but was photographed at a New York night club this week, and that she is generally just one stupid b!tc#.

Totals:

5 or 6 = Number of failed rehab stints

2 = Number of DUI's

4 = Number of alcohol induced car accidents

3= Number of times Lindsey has either not shown up or shown up late to court

15 = Total days spent in Jail (two different stints)

12 = Number of feature films Lohan has appeared in

1 = Number of feature films I would actually pay to see again featuring Lohan (Machete)

too many to count = Number of times I have been amazed that Lohan is a free woman and not dead.

With her latest infraction; the failure of a recent drug test, she has been ordered back to court to face charges. The judge previously said that any failure to comply would result in a 30-day jail sentence, but we'll see if they actually have the cajones to put Lindsey away.

To top all of this off this stupid whore is getting paid... e*Trade has settled out of court with Lindsey for using her likeness in one of their commercials. I can't f***ing believe this f***-up's luck. I previously did a blog on that too, if you want to read it and see the commercial.

http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2010/03/vpitf-lindsawhat.html

There is NO effin way e*Trade should have paid out. I mean... WTF. WTFnF!
http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2010/09/20/lindsay-lohan-gets-paid-milkaholic-lawsuit/

But, I digress. Even though I wish this red headed spawn of Satan would just die a horrible death someone has to see; be it the courts, her friends, lawyers, etc... SOMEONE... has to see that this girl needs help. And, if she walks away with just another slap on the hand (no pun intended) then perhaps everyone; be it the courts, her friends, lawyers, etc... EVERYONE... wants the same thing I do. For her to just die. And, that is a message I hope she gets, that no one cares enough for her to want to help her.

Other Lohan articles on SlapHand:
http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2010/05/things-i-learned-this-week.html