VMA Blandness

First let me say, that I find it odd that MTV still has Video Music Awards... after all, they rarely play videos anymore. The only time I can find a video on MTV is at six in the morning. And, I figure that's because none of them slacker MTV employees want to show up that early to start running their lame ass shows. (and don't give me the lame ass MTV2 excuse. They don't play much more music over there.)

Seriously, I looked it up, the only time MTV shows videos is from 3am to 8am. The rest if Teen Mom's, True Life, Jersey Shore, Real World and some crap show they are cramming down our throats called the World of Jenks. I mean, shouldn't they HAVE to change their name to something other than MUSIC T.V. What do pregnant teens and Jersey dropouts have to do with music?

Anyway, I digress... Lady Gaga wore a meat dress. WTF, I've never wished for a singer to develop a serious coke habit, lose her ability to hold a note, and drop off the face of the music world as much as I have for Gaga. And, it has nothing to do with her music, it's just her. Her music is pretty good, but, I'm sick of looking at those stupid ass hats and dresses that weigh so much you have to have people help you get up and down. Congratulations, you've succeeded, everyone is talking about you, and they think you are a f***ing freak.

Other than Gaga's steak mini, there really wasn't much controversy during the evening. Host and notorious naughty girl, Chelsea Handler, was rather tame contrary to expectations. Her funniest moment was when she stepped out of a hot tub that the Jersey Shore group was in with a faux pregnant belly claiming that there must be something in the water, to which the Situation responded, "oh, we got a situation here." Her opening act with Lindsey Lohan should have killed given Chelsea's abuse of the pre-teen burnout, but then you have to remember that Lindsey is an even worse actress now than before she went through her 39 day jail and rehab stint (if that's possible) and she shares the comedic aptitude of a child pornographer.

Other notes of the evening:

Neither Kayne nor Taylor Swift have forgot that he upstaged her at last years event, both have written songs, and both think Kayne is a dick. Both are right.

No one has forgotten too, that Katy Perry met her future bride-to-be, Russel Brand, at last years event. Throughout the evening several references were made to this point. That's a relationship I don't see working out... eventually Russel's antics and British accent are gonna get on Katy's nerves and it's bye-bye Brand. We'll see I guess. I like that fact that someone over at MTV is smart enough to insist that Perry wear something form fitting... anytime you can get that "California Girl" in something tight, low cut, and/or reminiscent of an ice skaters outfit ratings will improve.

And, on that note... Ke$ha is a troll.

As for the musical numbers of the evening. Eminem was pretty good, but I think it's safe to say he has veered a little over into the mainstream zone. His performance was pretty safe for a Slim Shady number. Justin Bieber lip synced his way through a dance number that my 13-year old will love for reasons that baffle me. Usher, Taylor, Kayne, B.o.B., among others turned in "eh" performances. Next year might I recommend Katy Perry shooting whipped cream from her breast all over a gaggle of scantily clad women that include Ciara, Sofia Vergara, the chicks from the Hills, and Jane Lynce (for the laugh factor) or a Ke$ha stoning, whichever is easier to arrange. Note: I have rocks if you need them.

It should be noted that during the Bieber's performance he went bad boy black, throwing down his high school musical jacket and, donning a black letterman with a single "B" on it. I take this as a sign he wants to impregnate all our pre-teens. He should be banned from any event with children and be made to follow sexual predator laws. How this banged wonder has managed to cause little girls everywhere to soil their panties is beyond me, but power to him.

My favorite performance of the evening was the commercial for the upcoming Jackass 3D movie... which says a lot when the highlight of the evening is watching guys mutilate their balls and pull cruel and abusive pranks on one another. However, this is what the VMA's have come to; a mix of sub-par musical performances and worn out reality jokes... much like the rest of MTV's programming.

One last note: MTV - quit programming your VMA's during week 1 of the NFL... you are losing that fight everytime, i.e. I watched you on Tivo.