Things I Learned This Week - Women... sheesh!

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In Local News: I Crapped My Pants

How gullible are Oklahomans?

Seriously?

A 21-year old man on two different occasions fooled babysitters into watching him at their homes by claiming to be an autistic child named "Alex." In both cases the babysitters changed his soiled diaper, feed him from a bottle, and read him bedtime stories.

Mark Anthony Richardson Jr. claims he was "seeking sexual stimulation" (no shit) by posing as both the father of an autistic boy, when he solicited babysitters off Craigslist to care for an autistic child, and the child himself. The 4'-9" tall lollipop guild member would then dress himself in kids clothes and diapers, deliver himself to the would be babysitters, and pretend to be autistic.

In one case he delivered himself at 2am to a sitter and was standing on the porch saying "4121" over and over... 4121 was the address of the house. When he was brought inside he had a envelope with $40 dollars in it and a note that said he needed to be fed and he was wearing a soiled diaper that required changing.

The sitters claim that on several occasions they would start to change him and he would get up and run around the house. They would have to catch him to finish changing his diaper.

In both cases the sitters pointed out that they noticed Alex would become aroused whenever they changed his diaper.

ehh.

I think the babysitters got what they deserved... I mean, is it really a crime if you convince a grown woman to change your sh!tty diaper while you pop wood. At what point do you, as the sitter, say... "this is f***ed up... there is just something not right here." At the very least you should say to yourself, "there is a gawd damn grown man running around my house, buck naked, with crap running down his leg and a boner... this ain't worth no damn $40."

In an interview with Richardson's mother she noted that he probably needs some psychological help and has some mental disabilities... well, what do you know... another Oklahoma genius.

http://newsok.com/oklahoma-city-man-admits-conning-baby-sitters-by-posing-as-autistic-and-wearing-diapers/article/3522781

FIRE!

My house burned down this week, they had to wheel me off on gurney.

Reason #1 Why I Love The Internet: Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher

When someone ask, "why do you like the Internet?" Most people would answer with one of several "canned" responses.

"I like the ease to which one can access information and news events."

"I enjoy the never-ending barrage of entertainment music, movies, and videos."

"Porn."

"I love the ease in which the Internet allows me to stay in touch with my friends through Facebook or MySpace."

But, none of these reasons take the #1 spot when Slap Hand is asked why he likes the Internet. My #1 reason is because Curtis Got Slapped By A White Teacher.

So, who is Curtis and who slapped him? Let's delve into Curtis' life and that of his crazy ass mother.

Curtis Bowen is a 4th grader at Martin Luther King Jr. Elementary school in the Kansas City Missouri school district. Curtis, for whatever reason, was slapped across the face by Ms. Curry sometime between 9:45 and 10:15 on October 19th, 2010. A second student, Shyree Adams, questioned why Ms. Curry slapped Curtis and she too was slapped across the face. Curtis and Shyree informed their homeroom teacher, Ms. Brown, of the incident and it was reported to the principle, Mr. Wilson. Ms. Curry was made to apologize to the children by Mr. Wilson. Then Mr. Wilson made the biggest mistake of his adult life.

We all have one, whether we know them or not. In most cases they offer unconditional love, support, and comfort. From the day we are born they protect us, clean us, clean up after us, help us with homework, personal issues, money, and too many things to be listed in this article. They birthed us. They raised us. And, in some cases... they are crazier than a shithouse rat.

Such is the case with Curtis' mom... just ask Mr. Wilson after he called her to inform her that her son just got slapped by Ms Curry. To say Curtis' mom lost it is an understatement. She has sunk, nay, risen to a completely unheard of level of absolute absurdity in freaking out.

I have no problems with Curtis' mom raising a stink... hell, I would. In this day and age a teacher should probably not discipline a child by slapping them across the face, despite the fact that when I was in school our principle would swat a kid with a hole-riddled wooden paddle if you got out of line... but this is a different age and studies show that blah, blah, blah... you get the drift. I don't even mind that she made it a black and white thing... for all I know Ms. Curry could be a crazy racist bull-dike who likes to beat kids and gets whatever discipline she deserves. She's more likely to be a little old gray haired lady that just did things differently in her day and slapped Curtis for getting out of line, but whatever.

What I can't imagine, in all my stink raising, even on my most crazed day, I could never imagine that I would demand that the school system fork over $250,000 for "damaging my sovereign property." But, then again... I'm not Curtis' mom. And, that bitch is K-razy!

How crazy? Curtis' mom penned a 40 page document demanding... are you ready for this;

1. That the school start a "we don't hit kids here" campaign, for teachers to sign a "we don't hit kids here" pledge, for a copy of said pledge to be placed in there personal file and filed with the Department of Social Services. And, that each teacher go to anger management workshops... weekly.

2. That Ms. Curry be fired and have her teacher license permanently revoked. That she pay personal restitution to all the kids that witnessed Curtis being slapped. That she write a hand written, notarized letter of apology to Curtis (notarized ???). That she be tarred, feathered and sodomized with a Louisville slugger... ok I made that last one up, but I bet we could sell Curtis' mom on it.

3. (Now we get real crazy) To be given to Curtis for having to deal with this emotional and physical abuse... apologies from everybody involved, plus... are you ready for it... you're not f***ing ready for it...

- a $1500 Walmart gift certificate each year for the next nine years to cover the cost of school supplies
- an ALL-EXPENSE paid 7-day trip to DISNEY WORLD annually for the next nine years, and this has to be read to be believed, it includes 5 round trip tickets, shuttle, tickets to Disney, $200 per Diem for food per person, lodging at the Polynesian resort, $1000 gift certificates to Trader Jacks, Samoa snacks, and Bou-Tiki, 5 tickets to Spirit of Aloha show, annual passes for 5, and all hotel expenses and gratuities paid for by the School District. (seriously???)
- an annual ALL-EXPENSE paid trip to Washington DC for Curtis, his dad and his sh!t ass stupid mother which includes round trip air fare and hotel lodging at "the best hotel in Washington. (Why not???)
- An ALL-EXPENSE paid trip to Southern, Eastern and West Africa (what no North Africa trip?) for 5, including first class airfare, ground transportation, 5 star resort, "the works." (F*** it... let's go for it all)
- a $600 monthly gift card to Price Chopper for the next nine years.
- A personal audience with Dr. Cornell West, Dr. Eric Dyson, Dr. Francis Cress Welsing, and Minister Louis Farakkan... paid for by the district.
- Jazz lessons weekly, including bass, drum, piano, and sax, from musicians that probably don't even do lessons. Oh, and she wants all new instruments for Curtis on the district's dime.

And it goes on...

4. For herself, I guess for having to deal with this sh!t and write a 40 page letter she wants...
- All of her bills paid for the next 9 years.
- Her house remodeled to "her specifications and comfort level."
- A new car
- Her old car fixed up.
- Monthly or Quarterly meetings with all the Doctors that she wants Curtis to meet.
- Medical and Dental coverage
- A job consulting with the Kansas City Missouri School District that pays her $15,000 a month.
- And finally a membership to Golds Gym... cause she's got to be in shape!

Want further proof that Curtis' mom has lost her friggin mind.
- She calls the Kansas City Missouri school system a "global industrial prison complex" that is only out to kill her kid.
- She says she will not tolerate harassment by school officials, the police, or social services because of her actions.
- She says there will be no "mind control tactics" by any agency of the federal, state, local, or any other entity. (Mind Control... who does she think works for the KC School District Professor Xavier)
- There will be no "stuff" put in her food or water, no "mysterious deaths," no medical experimentation, no smear campaigns. (yeah cause the KC School District considers you a threat to School security, they are going to send in their assassins to take you out.)
- You will not take her medical, physical, or emotional support away.
- You will not tamper with her jazz career or blacklist her from anything.

She further states that if you think she has gone overboard then you can "KISS MY ENTIRE BLACK ASS." And, that if anyone from the district would like to get together to discuss this then she will bill $3000 an hour for her time, $3000 an hour for her husbands time, and $5000 an hour for Curtis' time. I'm no expert but that's a little pricey. I mean if I'm spending eleven thou an hour it's gonna be with someone that doesn't hate my f***ing guts.

It is an epic letter to say the least. I've just hit the highlights... after all it's 40 f***ing pages of complete nonsense. You really need to read the whole thing to get a complete idea of how insane Curtis' mom really is. The woman copyrighted Cutris' name and image throughout the letter. She CC'd President Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Michelle Obama, a whole bunch of Senators and all the officials in the Kansas City educational system. She is bat-sh!t crazy.

God I hope the school pays up. Her request would, like, triple their annual budget. If they pay up, I'm sending my kids there... they are going to act up, cuss, piss in the halls, punch people, key cars... whatever it takes to get slapped in the face. Those teachers wouldn't know what hell hit them when I was done.

In all this Curtis' mom makes my point like nothing before her... there is no censer button on the Internet. It's f***ing beautiful. And, that's why I love the Internet. God bless America and the internets.

http://www.curtisgotslappedbyawhiteteacher.com/

Things That I Found Funny This Week

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Things I Am Thankful For (This Week): A Thanksgiving Special

That I don’t have a set of testicles hanging from the tailgate of my truck. Seriously could anything say “I’m a tackless s#ithead” more. Who the f*** comes up with this crap. Are his parents proud of him when he pulls into their driveway with a big set of black truck marbles hanging from the trailer hitch? And, any woman who elects to date a man with at set of balls hanging from his tailgate is; a whore, a tramp, a woman who loves to suck balls, easy or some combination of all four, and may as well wear a sign around her neck stating so.

That the OKC Thunder (than the Sonics) got the second pick in the 2007 Draft and not the #1… cause they would have picked Greg “glass legs” Oden had they had the #1 pick. And, you’d have too… you can’t pass up on a big with his size and athleticism… you just can’t, despite the fact that he looked 38 years old. Since being drafted he has only played in 82 games in 4 seasons. He’s right up there with Ryan Leaf and Darko Milicic as biggest bust in pro sports.

That Heidi Montag is broke. We are a short negotiation with Playboy away from seeing her DDD’s, especially now that she is back with Spencer; you know that ass-clown is encouraging that crap. God bless him.

That I didn’t attend the Water Festival in Phnom Penh, Cambodia this past weekend. I love a good Water Festival, but glad I had a conflict on my calender this time… google it.

That I am not flying anywhere this week. Although it has been awhile since my last hernia check and prostrate exam. Perhaps if I were traveling I could get TSA to check that out for me. Is it out of line to ask for a female agent with soft warm hands?

That the fine mayor of Oklahoma City has put the skids to the proposed expansion of the LFL to OKC. That’s Lingerie Football League to you dolts. I for one applaud the mayor for standing up to scantily clad footballers and this abomination of a sport. It is disgraceful and undignified. We should love our women and not turn them into sex objects that are only here for our pleasure. We should covet them and not make them run around a football field in lingerie while other women pull and grab at them and try to wrestle them to the ground. We should protect them from becoming the perpetrators of our sexual schemes. Ok, who am I kidding… let’s lynch the f***er.

That there are still men like Army Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta out there in the world; putting life and limb on the line on a daily basis so I can enjoy the freedoms of being an American and hang a set of rubber enshrined steel testicles from the bumper of my Ford. Thanks Sgt. Giunta.

Happy Turkey Day Everyone.

WARNING: Reading Slaphand Could Kill You.

The FDA recently released 36 images they are proposing to put on new, larger cigarette warning labels that were approved in June 2009 by the FDA. The labels would appear on the front and back of all cigarette packages and all advertisements. Cigarette companies will have 15 months after June 2009 to comply with the utilization of the new labels.

Now, this little rant is going to come across as pro-cigarette and nothing could be further from the truth (see previous post: http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2009/04/smokers-tax.html). But, for Christ sake, smoking ain't illegal, but you'd think it was with the way the FDA treats the smoking industry.

Let's think about this... is any other industry producing dangerous items. hmmmm...

The gun industry: People get killed by guns... Should the stocks of all guns bear images of people with a shotgun blast to the face on them. The warning would read "hey kid, you'll shoot your eye out!"

The car industry: People get killed in car accidents... should all cars have pictures of mangled up accident victims on the sun visors with the other warnings about wearing your seat belt. It'd be lovely to pull down the visor on a particularly sunny day and have a ghastly image of someones face that went through a windshield at 70 mph and a warning that says "BUCKLE UP DUMB ASS!"

McDonald's: Ever see 'Super Size Me?' How about a picture of a 400 pound guy with his butt crack showing, woofing down 704 calories of Big Mac on your McDonald's bag. Or maybe his enlarged heart, that is about the size of a canned ham, sitting in an operating plate after he's ceased out.

And there's more...

Airlines: burnt decapitated bodies on tray tables.

Butter: a big ol juicy clogged artery on your Land 'O' Lakes tub.

Swimming pools: A big ol naked, bloated, floater.

Bacon: Actually there's nothing bad about bacon, they have the best marketing people in the world. It's a solid chunk of grease and fat that you'd think was a miracle food. "Everything is better with bacon!" They are even making Bacon flavored soda now... it's delicious (and I may have just thrown up in my mouth a bit). http://seattlest.com/2010/11/09/bacon_soda--meet_pinot_pop.php

Alcohol: Me... sloshed, on one of those labels you see through the bottle.

Viagra: A dead guy with a boner that didn't go away in 4 hours etched into that tiny little blue pill.

etc. etc. etc.

My point is, if I'm the cigarette industry why am I trying. I mean, WTF. I'd be asking myself how is the legal. You let me SELL cigarettes but you make me post labels on my product that says IF YOU SMOKE, YOU WILL DIE. Isn't that sort of a contradiction. If you are so sure people are dying shouldn't this be illegal. We're killing 400,000 people a year and your like, "ahh, put a really gruesome picture on the label and, ahh, good luck." That's just f***ed up.

Again, not a fan of the smoking... but last time I checked it was legal.

So why doesn't the FDA just put Big Tobacco out of it's misery and make smoking illegal? What's preventing that from happening? I mean, seriously, is Big Tobacco so BIG and their lobby so strong that this can't happen. The government is sitting back saying, we love the thousands you employ, we love the huge taxes that smokers pay, we love f***ing with you, we know cigarettes kill people, but go ahead smoke 'em if you got 'em, we don't want to piss you off and possibly lose your vote.

It all just seems a little contrite to me.

To view the labels the FDA wants to slap on your pack of smokes and to voice your opinion the the topic see the link below.

http://www.fda.gov/ForConsumers/ConsumerUpdates/ucm233258.htm

Things I Learned This Week: People Are Whack(ed)

It is possible for two morons to blow through 10 million dollars and not have anything to show for it except for a set of enormously huge knockers.

http://www.showbizspy.com/article/217192/heidi-montag-and-spencer-pratt-we-wasted-10m.html

And, if you ask me... that's money well spent, haha.

I don't fault them... actually I do, they are so stupid that there seed should be wiped from the earth so that their species can not continue to exist... but, what I mean, is that they are the product of their own fame. A fame base on absolutely no talent, unless you consider being so dumb as to be interesting enough to make a reality show out of all the faux drama in their lives until someone else who is dumber with even more faux drama comes along (I'm talking to you Jersey Shore). They were told for so long that they were famous and sustainable that they believed it... so they lived it up. Dropped millions on house rental, cars, trips, surgeries, and never gonna happen careers (like being a singer), not to mention that they owe millions in back taxes. They fell into the "reality trap" and now have to pay for it. Dumbasses

On the bright side... that Playboy spread is looking a little likelier now that the tax man is gonna come calling. So Heidi... show us your boobs you boob!
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Never bring a wrench to a sword fight: Police responding to a domestic violence call in Sand Springs, Oklahoma found John Bryan Moore, 37, dead after being stabbed several times with a small sword by his 15 year old son, Dustin Wade Moore.

When asked what happened, Dustin explained "he hit me with a wrench." In response Dustin stabbed the man several times with a sword with a 16" blade. I'd say... lesson learned.

Police have responded to several calls in the past to the same address for domestic disputes, burglary, auto theft, runaways, drunkenness, and so on. Sounds like ol Dustin just solved all those problems, they should be thanking him, not arresting him... next case!

http://www.tulsaworld.com/webextra/content/2010/crimesite/article.aspx?subjectid=450&articleid=20101103_12_A22_CUTLIN996192
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Just because she signed a document making her your sex slave doesn't mean you can beat her then have sex with her. Oh wait... it does?

http://newsok.com/oklahoma-city-sex-fetish-enthusiasts-abuse-trial-goes-to-jury/article/3511316

Freaks, Richard "Lord Wraith" Wise and Nanette "Gina" Larsen, have an unusual relationship. Gina moved away from her husband and three kids in Utah to live with "Lord Wraith," in Oklahoma City, this last year and signed a document which states that he is the "master" and she is the "slave," his sex slave, that is. The two practice a BDSM lifestyle, which translates into, we're a bunch of sex junkies who like to get FREAKY; we're into stuff like gag balls, whips, handcuffs, nipple clips, and drinking out of dog bowls like a good dog should, that's the kind of sh!t that turns us on and gets our juices flowing. Per the contract Wise gets to tie up, beat, choke, slap, pinch, and mentally abuse Larsen. It's almost like they are married, but without the lovely dovey stuff.

In a twist of fate, this February, Wise was arrested for allegedly attacking Larsen after a night spent partying. Larsen told her friend, doctor, and the police that Wise beat her, handcuffed her, and sexually assaulted her. Since then, Larsen moved back to Utah to her family, but then changed her mind, and moved back to Oklahoma City to be with Wise... oh, and her story changed too... now she fell down some stairs, got elbowed in the eye while arguing, and all those bruises and scrapes, that was from previous consensual rough sex with Wise. Which pretty much sounds like the same exact story she told the doctor, her friend and police... only in one version she is complaining.

Even though Larsen is no longer pressing charges the state is proceeding with it's prosecution of Wise on charges of kidnapping and domestic abuse. That's going to be pretty hard to sell givin that their key witness is now playing lap dog to the defendant.

Whatever the case, one thing is for sure... that is one well trained b!tch... which gives me an idea... Honey... can you sign something for me?

In Local News: The Great Escape II, Legend of Buddy Tough

This story has everything: jail breaks, police chases, standoffs, death sentences, KFC celebrities... everything!

http://www.newsok.com/article/3509123?searched=fry%20poodle&custom

In the once peaceful town of Hydro, OK a drama played out over the last couple weeks reminiscent of a Hollywood movie. So, Slaphand has made it into a movie.

Overview: Hydro resident, Edwin Fry, liberated his incarcerated poodle, Buddy Tough, from the Hydro city pound. Buddy was arrested for running wild through town and possibly killing a 700 lb cow, ok, probably not, but maybe. The chief of police, Mike "Colonel" Sanders was tired of being made a fool of by these pesky pet perpetrators and decided to set a new standard... "we ain't gonna take no free pets... NOT IN MY TOWN" attitude. Fry, came up with a desperate plan to bust Buddy Tough from his cell and make off into the daylight. Using a set of bolt cutters he daringly cut the lock of Buddy's pen and used his Yard-Man riding lawnmower to escape. The police gave chase all through town at a blistering 5 mph. This lead to a gun drawn standoff that ended with Fry and Buddy Tough given up and being taken back into custody. A few days later, Buddy Tough was executed for the crime of being a poodle on the lam with no one to pay his bail... now the town is outraged at the treatment of Fry and Buddy Tough and have demanded retribution. This is the heroic story of the outlaw Buddy Tough and how he brought the institution down and united a community... dun dun DUNNNNNNN.

(Staring)

Robert Duvall as Edwin Fry
Colonel Bob Thompson as Police Chief Mike "Colonel" Sanders (http://site.colonel-bob.com/)
James Best (from 30 years ago) as Officer Chris Chancellor (http://jamesbest.com/)
Morgan Freeman as Mayor Bill Glasscock
Carmen Electra as Hydro resident Mona Woods
Kim Kardashian as Hydro resident Linda Issac
and introducing
Rhapsody in White "Butch" as Buddy Tough
with special appearance by
Buddy Tough as Dead Buddy Tough

Here are a few selected scenes from the screenplay.

Chapter 1, Scene 3 - The Escape

(Edwin Fry pulls up in his Yard-Man mower in front of a kennel behind the Hydro police station where Buddy Tough is being held. It backfires when he kills the engine which causes Fry to look around nervously. He approaches the kennel and talks to Buddy)

Fry: Buddy?

Buddy: ruff, ruff

Fry: shhhh

(cuts padlock from gate with bolt cutters)

Buddy: 'whine'

Fry: Hey Buddy... you smell that?

Buddy: 'whine'

Fry: smells like freedom... I love the smell of freedom in the morning, smells like victo... no wait that's not freedom... that's dog crap, ah gross... come on Buddy let's go!

- scene -

Chapter 1, Scene 4 - The Chase

(Fry and Buddy Tough are on his Yard-Man mower speeding through town with the Chief of Police Mike "Colonel" Sanders and Officer Chris Chancellor in pursuit in two different police cars. Several other police cars are also in on the chase.)

(Mower drives by to open the scene, Fry is driving and Buddy Tough is on his lap with paws on the wheel too... drive by takes 5 seconds)

Fry: Buddy they ain't gonna catch us I put on a special set of matched tires on the ol Yard-Man, just like I did to Cole Trickle's car in Days of Thunder... they can't catch us!

(scene change to inside of the Chiefs car)

Sanders: (over radio) - Officer Chancellor, you need to somehow get in front of him... call in some help.

Chancellor: (over radio) This is car 2, I need cars at 5th and 6th street we can't let this sombitch get out of town. gkhuh! gkhuh!

Sanders: (over radio) Buddy Tough is a wanted fugitive for the murder of several 700lbs cows in the county... we can't let them escape... I'm giving you officers a direct KFC order... fry them chickens!

(back on the mower, Fry and Buddy approach the roadblock)

Fry: Buddy, this could be it... there doesn't look like anyway around... (at this point Fry does the classic Robert Duvall stretching of the neck with hands held out, just like in every movie he's ever done) I tried Buddy, I tried.
Buddy: ruff ruff

Fry: What, that's crazy, that might just be crazy enough to work... ok... here goes!

(at the road block with Sanders, Chancellor, and several other cop cars and cops... guns drawn)

Chancellor: Oh MY! NOOOO

Sanders: What the hell is that nut and his mutt doin?

Chancellor: They're lowering the mower... oh god NOOOO, they engaged the mower

Extra Cop 1: They are mowing right through that yard sir

Chancellor: oh, the humanity... I... I didn't see that coming... that put a quiver in my liver, gkhuh, gkhuh, gkhuh.

Sanders: Who's responsible for this road block

Extra Cop 2: I was sir.

Sanders: You're fryered.

Extra Cop 2: Don't you mean fired.

Sanders: fired... you want flame grilled you go to Burger King boy... they cook it you're way, round here we fryer EVERYTHING... we even use chicken breast for bread... NOW GET OUTTA MY FACE!... CHANCELLOR!

Chancellor: Yes sir

Sanders: Chancellor, get over to Fry's place... I want that menace caught by sundown.

(Chancellor peels out and speeds off to Fry's house... 20 minutes later Fry shows up on his mower)

-scene-

Chapter 1, Scene 7 - The Standoff

(Buddy Tough and Fry pull into his house on the Yard-Man to find several cops waiting on them... they hop off the mower and run into the house which leads to the following exchange)

Extra Cop 1: FRY! BUDDY TOUGH! Come out of the house with your hands and paws up!

Fry: I aim to kill the Colonel and those that done this, and if Officer Chancellor gets in the way, I'm gonna kill him too. So you best get your mind right about what's got to be done

Chancellor: Fry! It's Chancellor... you and Tough need to just come on out, we gotcha surrounded. You'll broke the law... you and Tough... now we gotta system and you just can't break Tough outta jail like that.
Buddy: ruff ruff, ruff
Fry: He says, "Man's got a right to protect his property and his life, and we ain't lettin' no chicken fryer or his lawman take either." Hey, wait... that's my line from Open Range... Buddy you just can't be sayin my lines

Buddy: ruff ruff

Fry: We'll f*** you too!

Buddy: ruff ruff -whine-

Fry: You're right all we gots is each other... CHANCELLOR! Come and get us if you dare!

-scene-

Chapter 3, Scene 2 - Back in Jail: The Conjugal Visit

(The town of Hydro is reeling from the days events, but not everyone is sold on what the Chief of Police, "Colonel" Sanders told them, especially Mona Woods and Linda Issac. They decide to pay Buddy Tough a visit in the kennel after spending a day at the lake in their extremely small bikinis.)

Woods: Ahhh, Buddy... are you alright?

Issac: We've been worrying about you... we made you some home made dog treats, just like on Martha Stewart.

Buddy: ruff -whine-

Issac: oh buddy... tell us what to do... what can we do to help?

Buddy: -whine- ruff, ruff, ruff

Woods: seriously... you want us to.. kiss?

Buddy: RUFF!

Woods: ok

(Woods and Issac begin kissing, slowly at first, then they break out the tongues. Woods hands fall softly onto Issac's breast)

Buddy: -pant, pant, pant-

(they continue to kiss and caress each other for several minutes while Buddy stares and pants uncontrollably with his tongue hanging out of his mouth)

Buddy: -pant, pant, pant-

Issac: Buddy, don't you want to tell us how to get you outta jail... don't you want to tell us your side of the story so we can tell the whole town and they can come rescue you?

Buddy: GRRRRRR!

Issac: OK, OK we'll keep kissing, jeez.

Woods: oh Buddy... quit licking there!

-scene-

Chapter 4, scene 4 - The Death Sentence

(Chancellor backs the car up to the kennel, gets out, and connects a garden hose to his exhaust pipe)

Sanders: HAHA, Buddy, you thought you was tough... but you ain't... seems no one round here wants to see you go free, ain't no one stepped forward to pay your $100 bond. Now my plan is complete... I got the whole town thinking you're a cow killing little b!tch... now people are feeling sorry for the cows and have switched over to eating chicken... my chicken! HHAAAHAHA... and no one even knows about it.

Chancellor: 'specially since that old cooter, Fry, is in jail, gkhuh, gkhuh

(Chancellor opens the kennel, picks up Buddy Tough by the ears, like the late Gerald Ford, and puts him under a cardboard box... he shoves the other end of the garden hose into the box through a hole in the top, gets in the car and guns the gas)

Sanders and Chancellor: - HAHAHAHAHA

Buddy: -whine- RUFF, RUFF, hack, RUFHack, huyhck, ruf, -whine-

Chancellor: I love it, I love it, gkhuh, gkhuh, gkhuh.

(off in the jail cell Fry is sitting on a cot, he hears the engine of the car rev up and a muffled bark)

Fry: NOOOOOOOO!

(back at the scene of the execution Chancellor removes the box, as a big puff of smoke clears Buddy Tough's lifeless body is seen lying on the ground -played by the real Buddy Tough in a special appearance - off in the distance a single violin can be heard playing a somber tune)

-scene-

Chapter 5, scene 2 - The Press Conference

(several dozen people are gathered in the Hydro town hall to hear a press conference by Mayor Bill Glasscock)

Reporter 1: Sir, Sir, can you tell us the condition of Buddy Tough?
Glasscock: I wish I could tell you that Buddy fought the good fight, and the Colonel let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who killed the cow, but we all knew. Things went on like that for two more days - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Buddy would show up with fresh bruises. The Colonel kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Buddy - that was his routine. I do believe those first two days were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him... but no one paid his bail and he was put down.

Reporter 2: Is it true that Buddy was visited in the kennel?

Glasscock: I have no idea to this day what those two Hydro residents were "singing" about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were "singing" about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words (and they had to take their clothes off), and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last dog in Shawshank, er, I mean, the Hydro kennel felt free.

(several flashbulbs go off as pictures are taken of Mona Woods and Linda Issac who are sitting in the front row wearing slutty catholic school girl uniforms)

Town Resident 1: Sir, what do you suggest we do... as a town.

Glasscock: Get busy living or get busy dying... NO MORE QUESTIONS!

-scene-

That's all we can share with you, for now, writers are awaiting the outcome of the trial of Edwin Fry before finishing the script. One thing can be assured... there will be another make out scene between Mona Woods, Linda Issac, and Buddy Tough's angel. Stay tuned. And, don't forget to go see The Great Escape II, Legend of Buddy Tough in Theaters, Summer 2011

The Top 5 Best Uses of Classical Music In Modern Film

So, I'm driving down the road the other day listening to the 'ol i-Pizzy shuffle songs on my radio when Beethoven's 9th Symphony comes on from my Immortal Beloved soundtrack (please refrain from making gay comments) and instead of thinking of young Beethoven laying in a pool of water looking up at the stars to become one with the universe I could only think of one specific use of that song in a movie and that got me thinking... What are the best uses of classical music in modern film?

That sounds like a great Top 5.

(Note: Any film about classical music, i.e. Immortal Beloved, Amadeus, etc. is automatically disqualified.)

5. Excaliber (1981) - O Fortuna, From Carmina Burana by Carl Orff (1935) - Used in the scene where after King Arthur drinks from the Holy Grail, given to him by Percival, he is revitalized and rides off to face Mordred and Morgana in battle. As he rides through the hillside O Fortuna blares as plants turn green and apple trees blossom. It is double rainbow glorious.

Although O Fortuna is from a relatively modern era (1935) it's usage in the film denotes a medieval theme and the Latin choir gives it a genuine "Camelot like" feel. It is the defining scene of the movie Roger Ebert called "a wondrous vision," and "a mess."

I dig it cause it makes the hair on your arm stick up watching Arthur ride through the countryside with such a climatic music as his centerpiece. You know Morgana is about to get her brother sleepin ass hacked up (and if you don't get that reference you just gotta watch the film).

O Fortuna has also been used in countless films to give a sense of ominous change and has been used in even more commercials and promotions as a builder to excitement.. to fortunes. It has probably been used by every NBA team as the opening sequence for player introductions at one point or another in the last 30 years.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db40S82sqic


4. Platoon (1986) - Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber (1938) - Used in the scene after Sgt. Elias (Willem Dafoe) is left in the Jungle by his comrade yet nemesis Sgt. Barnes (Tom Beringer). Barnes tells Chris Taylor (Charlie Sheen) that Elias didn't make it after a skirmish with some Vietcong. Barnes orders Taylor back to the helicopter to get out of the area. They load up the dead and wounded then while fleeing the jungle they notice Elias running after them with about 60 Viet Cong on his trail. They turn the copters around to try to rescue him but it's too late. And, you know this because of the usage of Adagio for Strings.

One of the saddest classical works ever and used in countless September 11 tributes (most notably the BBC Orchestra) Adagio for Strings conveys a sense of unimaginable horror yet with a touch of, not beauty, per se, but maybe a sense of awe. Adagio for Strings conveys grief like no other piece of music.

I like its use in the film cause there's Elias... helpless, running, trying to find a way to survive. you know there's no way he's gonna make it, there's just to damn many Vietcong on his ass... so you just watch him die, in angst, knowing full well that the ultimate betrayal has just taken place. Grief... and awe.

Side note: Adagio for Strings is also used in the Seinfeld episode "the Fatigues," when George Costanza's dad, Frank, relives an episode where he tried to use rancid meat to feed his platoon in the war and they all get sick making it to where he can't cook anymore... classic. And, if it's in Seinfeld it's awesome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ue8VS-bcj88

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRMz8fKkG2g - BBC Orchestra version (get a hanky)


3. Die Hard (1988) - Symphony #9 (Ode to Joy) by Ludwig Van Beethoven (1824) - Beethoven's 9th is used throughout the original Die Hard Film but the scene that stands out is when uber-villain Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) and his side kick Theo (Clarence Gilyard, who would later be Walker, Texas Ranger's sidekick) open up the Nakatomi vault to get to the 640 million in bearer bonds. Theo spent all day drilling through the 6 locks that keep the door closed but it is not until the FBI arrives and shuts down power to the building that the 7th and final lock unlocks and the vault opens... at that moment the crescendo of Beethoven's 9th hits right on que.

The "Ode to Joy" bit that is played in the film is a testament to Beethoven's greatness. When he wrote the piece Beethoven was completely deaf and based the music solely on what he heard in his head. The 9th is instantly recognizable... a classic in every sense of the word.

The 9th Symphony can be found throughout modern day cinema but was prominently featured in A Clockwork Orange, the Money Pit, and Help! It also lends itself to be a timeless Christmas tune

Now, given that I could not find a clip of the aforementioned moment online perhaps it is not as climatic as I make it out to be but since it is the primer for this blog a third place finish is it's just due.

Side Note: Could Hans Gruber be a top 5 film villain? I mean the guy didn't kill millions of people or try to blow up the world but considering the sinister nature of Gruber, as played perfectly by Rickman, he is an epic bad guy. Tune in to see a top 5 film villain blog in the near future.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wod-MudLNPAA


2. 2001 (1968) - Also Sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss (1896) - One can not hear Strauss' epic tone poem without picturing a space scene. Used in the opening sequence of Stanley Kubricks 2001: A Space Odyssey (also known as the Sunrise scene) when an ape, the precursor to man, first picked up a bone and used it as a tool... in this case, as weapon to kill prey. It's a resounding sequence. So vivid you can not think of anything but space when you hear it... nothing else comes to mind. Listen to it and try to think of anything else. All you will imagine is SPACE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ML1OZCHixR0

Note: Also Sprach Zarathustra probably should have been #1, seriously you can't think of anything but 2001 when you hear it... however it wasn't quite as bad ass as the #1 best use of classical music in modern film.


1. Apocalypse Now (1979) - Ride of the Valkyries by Richard Wagner (1854) - Who can forget the scene where Captain Willard's (Martin Sheen) PRB crew is to rendezvous with the 1/9 Air Cavalry, commanded by Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall) for transport to the Nung River. At first he refuses until he learns that Lance Johnson (Sam Bottoms), a professional surfer, is a member of the boat's crew. Kilgore, a big surf fan, decides to help them after figuring out that the beach at the mouth of the river they are supposed to ferry Capt. Willard to is perfect for surfing. Although his men tell him that it's "Charlie's point" he decides to go anyway because "Charlie don't surf!" Kilgore orders his men to attack the town by the beach so that he and Johnson can surf.

Riding high above the coast in a fleet of Hueys and OH-6As, Kilgore launches his attack on the beach. Kilgore explains to his guest that he uses Wagner cause "it scares the hell out of the slopes." QUE THE MUSIC... dun dunt dada da daaa... dun dada da daaa... dun dunt dada daaa da dunt dada daaa. They attack the beach head while Ride of the Valkyries blares over their loud speakers. To say the least, it's pretty kick ass... there's explosions, Viet Cong running wild, more explosions, gun fire, explosions... it's probably about as kick ass of a scene you'll see in any war film.

Ride of the Valkyries has also been used most awesomely in The Blues Brothers and, of course, Bugs Bunny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx7XNb3Q9Ek

Honorable Mentions:

- Johann Pachelbel's, Canon in D Major - used in every wedding movie ever made.

- Gioachino Rossini's, William Tell Overture - The Lone Ranger theme.

- J.S. Bach's, Toccata and Fugue - used in Vampire movies.

While I Was Away...

As you may have noticed it has been sometime since I posted. The Carnie story just took it out of me and I need to recoup... OK, that's a lie, my home computer is broke and I can't blog from home anymore until it gets replaced. So, I sneak in a few key strokes at work now... so here are some news articles I may have missed reporting on.

Olathe, KS - A friend of mine noticed in his local paper the police report for the week of Sept 6-12. Please note the highlighted item.

OLATHE 66061

Neighborhoods west of Interstate 35, including such areas as downtown and the Cedar Creek, Northwood Trails, Persimmon Hills and Santa Barbara Estates subdivisions.

- East Old 56 Highway, 500 block: Forgery. 6:27 p.m. Sept. 8.
- East Old 56 Highway, 500 block: Stolen financial card used for $672 purchase. 9:15 p.m. Sept. 8.
- West 151st Street, 20700 block: Stolen purse and its contents. 10:18 p.m. Sept. 7.
- College Boulevard and South Pflumm Road: Injury wreck. 5:40 p.m. Sept. 9.
- East Elm Street and South Harrison Street: Injury wreck. 8:45 p.m. Sept. 10.
- East Loula Street and South Ridgeview Road: Injury wreck. 11:06 a.m. Sept. 12.
- East Poplar Street, 1000 block: Stolen license plate. 8:52 a.m. Sept. 10.
- Santa Barbara Boulevard, 1600 block: Damaged lights and walls. 1:30 a.m. Sept. 8.
- South Carbondale Street, 11500 block: Battery. 11:01 p.m. Sept. 9.
- South Cherry Street, 200 block: Stolen license plate. 12:57 p.m. Sept. 10.
- South Edgebrook Street, 900 block: Aggravated criminal sodomy. 4:01 p.m. Sept. 12.
- South Hamilton Circle, 1500 block: Stolen cigar and grape soda. 4:03 a.m. Sept. 9.
- South Iowa Street and West 121st Street: DUI arrest. 12:10 a.m. Sept. 12.
- South Lone Elm Road, 10900 block: Lewd and lascivious behavior. 1:30 p.m. Sept. 9.
- South Longview Street, 11500 block: Aggravated burglary; stolen drivers license and financial card. 11:36 p.m. Sept. 10.
- South Ridgeview Road, 400 block: Damaged bathroom door. 12:25 p.m. Sept. 10.
- West Dennis Avenue and South Kansas Avenue: DUI arrest. 1:11 a.m. Sept. 12.

WTF! This was ACTUALLY reported.

officer: Sir we were called to this address, we understand something was stolen.
complainant: YEsh sir, I was on my front porch sittin in my couch... and I had to go to the pee. 'hic.' And, I walked into the house and when I came back out it was gone.
officer: Uh sir, have you been drinking.
complainant: a little 'hic" but only since about 3:30 this afternoon.
officer: Sir it's four in the morning.
complainant: IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING!
officer: Sir, keep it down, your gonna wake your neighbors
neighbor: I'm already awake gawdamnit I got red and blue lights flashing in my gawddamn window.
officer: Maam, please go back inside... sir, what's missing?
complainant: Hey Sally, have you seen any suspesh ish ush behavior around here?
neighbor: you mean like some crazy old man sitting around drinking and smokin all day and wasting his lazy behind away... that suspicious type behavior.
officer: Maam, please... go back inside... sir what is missing?
complainant: duhh... my grape soda and my cigar... they were right here 'hic' on my front porch.
officer: seriously, you're grape soda and cigar... that's why we're here? (smiling)
complainant: You think this is funny... some crazy sombitch is walking around here stealing soda and cigars and you're gonna just laugh... what kind 'hic' cops are you.
officer: we'll file a report sir and put out an a.p.b on your valuables.

You know they did it just for a laugh.

____________________________________________________

Bartlesville, OK - Donut thief pees in parking lot then solicits officer for sex. HELLS YEAH!
http://www.wxyz.com/dpp/news/national/Copy_of_police%3A-doughnut-thief-pees%2C-offers-officer-sex1287161016097

Police reported that a 27-year old woman stole a donut out of a semi-tractor about 2a.m. When confronted by a store clerk the woman dropped trow and pissed in the parking lot. When police showed up the and asked the woman to stand up she said she was to tired and was "sitting on her money maker." Then she solicited the officer for sex.

Ladies and gentleman... I give you the truck stop in Bartlesville, OK and the woman of my dreams. You gotta love a donut steeling, parking lot pissing whore.

____________________________________________________



The picture a the top of today's post is an actual photo taken while journeying from Arizona into New Mexico on I-40 at a rest stop. I am trying to get New Mexico to make a sign out of it as you enter the state... Welcome to New Mexico... Bitches.

Hot Summer Nights: A Carni Love Story

Hopefully a few of you have heard of the recent story of Richard Lorenc.

http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/bearded-lady-vivian-wheeler-finds-her-son-after-33-years/19631453

Lorenc was given up for adoption at the age of 7 by his father. Lorenc never knew his mother, as his father had taken him away from her shortly after his birth. It wasn't until recently that Lorenc found out that his mother was Vivian Wheeler, a semi-famous bearded lady from a traveling circus... since that moment Lorenc has met his mother and in just a few days will guest star on the Maury Povich Show when a DNA test will reveal the truch of their relationship... the world is on the edge of their seats waiting to hear the results.

But, there is another story that has yet to be told... the story of Vivian Wheeler and her jilted lover.

HOT SUMMER NIGHTS: A Carni Love Story

It was the summer of 1976 and for Richard Chambers life was as good as his life has ever been.

It was a magical time to be an American. The Country’s Bicentennial was just around the corner and soon the United States would be celebrating the 200th anniversary of Declaration of Independence. Radio stations around the country were blasting out hits from ABBA, Starland Vocal Band, and Paul McCartney and Wings. The Omen was scaring teens at every drive-in movie theater in the U.S. and everyone watching T.V. was hoping that they wouldn’t gong the The Unknown Comic. It was a free and easy time… and no one was living freer or easier than Richard Chambers.

Richard Chambers was born in 1956 in the town of Gothenburg, NE to Chuck and Lydia Chambers. Chuck farmed and worked as a part-time tractor repairman and Lydia was a homemaker. When Richard was 2 his family moved to Kearney, NE where his father took a job as a tractor salesman at the local John Deere dealership.

At the age of 5 Richards’s father was killed in a freak New Years Eve accident. Moments after the stroke of midnight the Chambers were in their front yard watching their neighbors shoot fireworks into the air when all of the sudden Chuck fell to the ground… dead. It seems a stray bullet fired from a gun in celebration of the New Year fell back to the earth entering at the crown of Chuck’s skull and exiting at the base of his neck through the spinal cord, killing him instantly. Oddly enough two other people were killed and three others wounded by the same event. A few days later a man was arrested who witnesses claim to have seen fire several drums worth of ammunition from a 1930’s era Tommy Gun while screaming “Happy New Year Mothersuckers… waHOOOOoo.” Drug and alcohol were more than likely a factor in his belligerent behavior.

Lydia was devastated; the happy and pleasant life that Richard had lived up to that moment ceased following the death of his father and would not return for some time. Lydia did the best she could, but having no transferable skills for employment or family of her own to fall back on, the life of relative comfort that she and her son had come to know quickly ended. Within the year Lydia and Richard were living out of the back of their wood sided station wagon traveling from town to town panhandling for food and gas money. It wasn’t long before Lydia turned to drugs to ease her pain, instead of buying Richard food she began to blow her money on refer and cocaine. Her new life style quickly changed her from friendly homemaker and mom to a wasted shell of a woman and sometimes prostitute.

Richards life took another dramatic change shortly after he turned 7. While wacked out on LSD at hotel in Pecos, Texas Lydia Chambers sold her son to a man named Pete Windsong for a “bag of weed and ¾ of a bottle of tequila” who in turn sold him to a gay man named John Pulaski for “services rendered.”

Now when you hear that a 7-year old boy is sold to a gay man, nothing good comes to mind, but in this case it was just the opposite. John Pulaski was no saint by any means, but he had a soft spot for kids and when he heard that his “regular Pecos guy” had “bought” a kid, well he just couldn’t take the thought of this boy being raised, beat, pimped, and abused by the type of man that Pete happened to be, so John traded one month of free services for the boy. While one month of free services sounds like a lot, it really wasn’t, given that John Pulaski fit a sort of fetish where he was typically the giver and not the receiver in the type of relationships that he formed with his clients. And, here’s why; John Pulaski was also known as “Big John” and was 7’-1” tall. Big John specialized in an underground sex fetish known as “Being Jacked by the Giant,” a twisted affair, to say the least, but obviously a nitch that few could fill. For what was sometimes several hundreds of dollars Big John would perform masturbation on his male clients. It wasn’t something he prided himself on, though he was awesome at it, but it was something that kept food on the table and clothes on his back.

Gay Giant Jacking wasn’t Big John’s only occupation and it wasn’t long before he was taking the boy to what he called his “career” job; that as a featured attraction in Thomas and Rathbone’s Big Show Under the Big Top Traveling Circus. Big John also went by “John, The Living Totem Pole, Pulaski, Mass Murderer of the Midwest.” Charles T. Rathbone, owner and proprietor of Thomas and Rathbone’s Big Show Under the Big Top Traveling Circus (Thomas had died two seasons after they started their circus due to a bad case of camel fleas that just about shut down the Big Show’s operations, but that’s a story for another time) hired Big John to be the “tallest man” attraction in his circus, but a lot of traveling circus’ had “tallest man” attractions, some with even taller men then Big John, and Rathbone wanted his “tallest man” to be different.

Long before Big John joined the circus he had tattooed the faces of 4 men onto his chest, one stacked on top of the other, from his neck to his navel. To Big John each face represented a man he had loved, but to Rathbone the resembled a totem pole so he made up a story of how each face was that of a man Big John had murdered.

The crowd ate it up. The Ringmaster would start the show by telling the audience of Big John’s exploits, then the lights would go dim, and Big John would be brought into the center ring in chains for all to see. As the Ringmasted continued with the story they would rip open his shirt revealing the tattooed heads of his victims… at the end of the show Big John would break the chains and run wild in the arena before being recaptured before he killed some fair maiden in the audience. It was masterful.

Before long Richard was just another kid running around the show with the other circus performer’s kids. Often times Big John would take a day or two to visit a client and leave Richard with one of the other performers. Richard quickly learned that, in the circus, everyone is family. And, so he lived, traveling from town to town with a traveling circus, surrounded by all manners of man and woman whom he called family. When he was old enough Richard would became part of several acts and assisted with the set up and tear down of the tents, just like everyone else. He came to love the circus life. His sad sorry existence now had purpose.

At the age of 17 Richard learned that many a small town girl would do just about anything for free tickets to a show or ride on an elephants back late at night. Although he was not an outgoingly handsome man he always managed to find some young thing to spend a few hours with in the hay trailer in almost every town. But all these relationships lacked a certain quality that Richard longed to feel; that of a woman who loved him for what he was… an abandoned child who was raised in a circus.

In 1976, Charles Rathbone wanted to broaden the scope of his circus and added a carnival to go with his show. In each town the visited they would open the carnival Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday and have two circus shows on Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. In doing so Rathbone brought in several games, rides, and… freaks of nature; The Worlds Heaviest Man, A Sword Swallower, A Fire Breathing Man, The Mummified Corpse of St. Bartholomew, and of course, The Bearded Lady.

Richard Chambers first noticed the back side of Vivian Wheeler as she was speaking to Mr. Rathbone by his office trailer , noting to a friend, “dammmnnnn that is one nice looking figure!” Vivian was dressed in a long silken skirt and a colorful form fitting tube top. Vivians long black hair flowed from her head down to the top of her bare shoulders and rested there like soft clouds. Richard found her figure very desirabl,e he wondered, in that split second, what her beautiful face would look like. And, almost as if on cue, Vivian turned around and revealed a 10” jet black beard.

Where most kids would turn in horror Richard simply stared with wonderment. All Richard had known most of his life was the odd “family” of the circus and a handful of summer evenings spent in a hay trailer with women of less desirable figures than the bearded woman that stood before him. “Richard,” Rathbone said, “I’d like you to meet Vivian Wheeler, do you think you could show her around.” And, that is how it started.

Richard started by showing her where the performers got themselves ready for the show, then the trailers in which they lived, they spent most of the afternoon strolling around the encampment while Richard introduced his new friend to the other performers and staff of the show. The visited and carried on through most of the night, each exchanging life stories as well as their hopes and dreams. Some would say it was love at first sight.

The other performers in the show could see it too. It was hard to miss; Richard and Vivian were together most of the day and usually all of the night. After only a few weeks they requested a portioned off room in one of the trailers together, like many of the couples that worked in the circus received. In a few months time they were inseparable. And, that is when Richards father figure, Big John, pulled the boy to the side and had a talk with him. “Richard,” he said, “It’s not easy being in love with a circus performer, especially one that is considered a “freak” by many of the people that pay to meet Mrs. Vivian. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to understand what you are getting yourself into. You will be ridiculed for your choices… trust me I know. I once loved a little normal man, his name was Mark. At first Mark and I were inseparable but as time went on Mark began to sort of resent me… he loved me, but he got tired of all the gay giant jokes… and let me tell you, there are plenty.”

“Really,” Richard asked, “there’s lots of gay giant jokes?”

“Yes.”

“Seriously… I haven’t heard any,” said Richard.

“Yes seriously,” said Big John.

“Tell me one,” asked Richard.

“Hey Shorty, where do you and your giant boyfriend like to go mountain climbing… the Him-a-lay-a’s.”

“That’s really weak.”

“I know,” said Big John, “but, I think you are missing the point… it will never stop. People will always make fun of you.”

Richard thought about what Big John was saying and thanked him for his advice, but his mind and heart had already made his decision for him. That night Vivian and him would consummate their love inside the trailer of one of the big trucks.

And so it went; their days were spent getting ready for their shows and by night they would love one another inside one of the trucks or trailers of the circus and sleep inside their 6’x8’ partitioned room. For the next few months Richard lived the life he always wanted. He loved his work, he loved his bearded woman, and he loved his life.

When the circus season ended Richard and Vivian took some time off and went to Bakersfield, CA to visit one of Vivian’s childhood friends and ended up renting a small apartment. Much to Richards protest, Vivian shaved off her beard… she simply said, “it’s better this way.” He didn’t get what she meant, but he loved her and respected her decision. In time though he began to miss the beard; he missed the way it felt when they kissed, and he missed running his fingers through it when they laid together. And, even thought it was odd, he missed the way it looked, the way it made her eyes sparkle and the mystery of it all.

After the holidays Vivian quit shaving in preparation for the coming circus season and Richard was once again delighted to see the 5 o’clock shadow on his circus princess. By late winter her beard was already 2 inches long. Richard began to notice the stares from people when they went out about the town and hear the whispers from them as they were passed on the street. But he ignored it for he was in love.

One cool February morning Vivian shot out of bed and ran to the bathroom and vomited. After she threw up Richard helped her clean herself up, he wiped bits of vomit from her beard and asked if she was alright… she assured him she was fine…. until it happened the next 3 mornings. This prompted Vivian to go see a doctor. While waiting in the waiting room Richard encountered his first negative sentiment about Vivian’s beard from another man waiting in the room. The man would not stop staring and smiling at Richard until Richard asked what the man wanted… “Nothing,” the man said, “just wanted to know if the downstairs smile was covered with the same color of hair as the upstairs smile.” Richard left the room in disgust and went outside.

A short while later Vivian came out of the doctor’s office with a smile from ear to ear. “I’m pregnant,” she told Richard. He was overjoyed. They celebrated by buying some baby clothes and having a nice dinner that night.

In two months Vivian was already beginning to show and that is when Mr. Rathbone called and said they were ready to get the circus going again for the season. Richard and Vivian loaded up their belongings and spent 3 days traveling to El Paso, TX where the first show was scheduled to start. Upon arriving and after many celebratory greetings it was back to normal carnie life; setting up shows, performing, tearing down and moving to the next town.

Richard got a new detail for this years show. Given the delicate condition of his lover, Mr. Rathbone asked that Richard stand guard by her tent as she was performing, in case anyone tried to do anything to her. This made Richard very happy as they would be able to work together now and could see each other more. But little did he know this would also be the beginning of their demise.

Richard had never worked in a “freaks” tent, as they were called, but expected many “oohs,” and “ahhs,” even the occasional derogatory statement. Vivian instructed Richard to say nothing to anyone despite what was said to her. As a woman who had been shaving since her 15th birthday there was very little Vivian hadn’t heard and wasn’t able to spin back onto the person making the statement.

At first Richard enjoyed his new assignment. He found it very amusing to hear the retorts of his lover when ever anyone made a spectacle of her bearded face. “Who would kiss THAT,” a man would yell, to which Vivian would reply, “Your wife likes to feel the tickle on her cheek.” The crowd would laugh. Richard would laugh

And, then one day in the middle of the summer outside of Hays, KS it all changed. It was becoming more apparent that Vivian was pregnant when a spectator screamed, “oh my god, who would screw you?” The spectator’s sentiment caught on like a wild fire and before long people were pointing and laughing and making the ugliest comments that Vivian had ever heard… or her lover. “What man would kiss a woman with a beard?” “Is her lover gay or a bigger freak than she is?” “Who on earth would want to have sex with you?”

At first Richard was appalled. However, as his lover requested, he said nothing. But, after hours of torment and after noticing a tear in Vivian’s eyes Richard snapped at a man who had made the comment, “how does he know which lips to put it in… I mean seriously, who would f*** a bearded lady?” Richard punched the man right in the face. The man jumped over the rail and went after Richard both were clawing and punching the other. Vivian was in the middle of it all trying to break the fight up. The tent cleared, and police were called in. The man wanted to file charges, but Rathbone agreed to pay him a few hundred dollars to just walk away. Richard would not be allowed to work with Vivian again. However, unbeknownst to anyone other than Richard a greater damage was done, a simple thought was planted deep in Richards mind after that… who would f*** a bearded lady.

Unfortunately the ridicule did not end there. Attending the show that night was a freshman reporter for the Hays Sentinel. The next morning a story appeared in the paper explaining of the fight and of a “jilted lover’s protection of his bearded lass,” as the young reported eloquently spelled out. Form that moment on, preceding the arrival of Thomas and Rathbone’s Big Show Under the Big Top Traveling Circus, a small story would appear in the local paper of the fight and the two lovers. Of course Rathbone loved it. The story brought more people to the show then ever before. Richard suspected Rathbone even leaked the story prior to their arrival to whatever small town paper was present where they were performing. The town would show up in droves and wait for hours to see the pregnant bearded lady. Vivian soon reveled in her fame and was also being compensated by Mr. Rathbone for the increased attendance. She knew the money would come in handy after the baby was born.

Richard, however, did not take to the situation as Vivian did. He would hear the whispers of the people as they walked around the carnival concerning his lover and her condition. He would also be approached and asked if it was he who impregnated her. No pictures ever accompanied the articles so no one actually knew what the “jilted lover” looked like. But, that didn’t keep them from asking every employee they met. Over time his resentment for the situation grew. Vivian could sense something was wrong. Richard was quieter and showed less desire to spend time with her. Instead of venturing into town after a show with the rest of the carnies Richard would often just want to hang out in his “room.” When they would go to sleep at night a resounding voice would echo in Richards brain, “who would f*** a bearded lady?”

On one of the last few nights that the circus was performing before packing it up for the season Vivian was nearly shoved out of bed as Richard woke up violently screaming, “NOOOOOO!” Vivian quickly grabbed Richard and tried to calm him down but Richard just shoved her away, not wanting to be touched. He stood up at the edge of their room and said “I dreamt our baby was born with a full beard,” and then disappeared out the trailer and into the night. He was gone.

Vivian was devastated. She cried for several days and missed the last few appearances of the season. No one had seen Richard. Big John spent days combing the local towns and motels up and down the interstate searching for his adopted boy, but could not find him anywhere.

At seasons end Vivian got an apartment in a small town in Nebraska where several of the carnies’ stayed in the off season. That November she welcomed a baby boy, Richard Jr. He was perfect… and without beard. A month after returning to her apartment to care for her new born son someone knocked on her door.

It was Richard.

She leapt into his arms. And, at first he returned her embrace but soon pushed her away. He explained that he was not there to rekindle the relationship he once shared with her, but that he was there to be a father to the boy the two of them came together to create. He never had a real father, he explained, and he wanted his son to know that he was going to be there for him.

She was mortified. What about her? What had changed between them? Did he not love her anymore? What? She implored him to explain, and, at first, he refused, but soon told her… “I can not bear the shame of being chastised for sleeping with a bearded woman.” He apologized profusely but explained that he could not change his mind.

At that moment a muffled cry came from the next room.

It was baby Richard.

She walked into the baby’s room and Richard Sr. followed. It was the first time he saw his baby boy. Vivian picked the child up and began to cry herself, she was very distraught. She quickly handed the baby to Richard Sr. and left the room, explaining that , “I need a moment.” She retired to her room where she buried her face in the pillow on her bed sobbing uncontrollably. She cried herself to sleep.

The next morning she awoke to nothing but silence, which she thought strange, because she usually was up and down with the baby several times a night. She picked herself up out of bed, slipped on a robe, and walked into the baby’s room. Richard Jr. was not there. In the crib where he usually slept was a note that simply said, Sorry.

In a panic she fled from her apartment and went down the hall to one of her fellow carnies rooms and pounded on the door. She explained what happened and then collapsed to the floor in a crying fit. Her friend called several other carnie family members and searched the town. Big John was called in to help as well, but no one could find Richard Sr. or Richard Jr.

Vivian searched for years for her lost son. She spent many of those years depressed and in treatment. She would never see Richard Sr. again. As for Richard Jr…. well, we’ll leave that for the Maury Povich Show.