Things I Learned This Week: A Scorpion Is Always A Scorpion

I am sure that you have all heard the tale of the frog and the scorpion.

No, well, listen up then.

One day a frog was sitting on the edge of the river when a scorpion walked up to him and said, "frog, will you please let me climb on your back and swim me across this river, I would be truly indebted to you?"

The frog said, "Of course not. You are a scorpion and you would surely sting me."

The scorpion replied back to the frog, "That would be silly, if I were to sting you then I would drown along with you, as I can not swim."

The frog thought of this for a minute and finally said, "OK, climb on and I'll swim you across the river."

The scorpion climbed on the frogs back and they started out across the river, about half way across the scorpion stung the frog and the frog cried out, "WHY, why have you stung me scorpion? Now you too will surely drown."

The scorpion simply replied, "you dumba$$, I am a scorpion... of course I am going to sting you."

Well, that's the moral of today's post... No matter what they say or do, some people, just can't change. Once a scorpion, always a scorpion.
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Lindsay Lohan pulled a kid off of a swing set in a local park, pulled his pants down and sodomized him with a broom handle in front of his mom then smoked a joint and laughed. She was detained by police but will not be charged. In fact they are giving her a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. The kid just want's an autograph and a bag of ice.

Seriously would that little headline stun you? Of course not, this is Lindsey Lohan we're talking about.

Well, that didn't happen, but proving that the LA court system is a funnier than old episodes of Seinfeld, Lohan again is getting the "star treatment" after being accused of stealing a necklace from a Hollywood jewelry store.

The necklace in question is worth $2500 and was taken on January 22nd. Video surveillance shows Lohan viewing and wearing the necklace at the store on that date. She is also seen wearing the necklace a few days later in paparazzi photos. When the store said they were going to press charges, an assistant of Lohan's returned the necklace to the store. The store was not paid for the necklace at any point. Despite all that, Lohan has pleaded not guilty to the theft.

I can't wait to hear the BS she comes up with this time. I'm willing to bet very important parts of my anatomy, i.e., my balls, that she will claim... "to her knowledge" the store "gave" her, or "loaned" her the necklace and then pull some bunk where she claims stores do this all the time for her, cause she's an actress. And, of course, the court will believe it and she will be set free to pillage once again.

The judge in the case told Lohan in court this week "You're no different than anyone else," then booked her at the courthouse instead of allowing police to arrest her and take her into custody, and did all of this outside of the cameras view that were covering the case.

After giving a DNA sample and paying the $40,000 bond, the court then allowed her to leave out a back entrance to the courthouse, again outside of the cameras view... just like anyone else would be able to do.

Oh well. This is looking just like every other case where Lohan was wrongfully accused. She's a saint. When will we learn.

Plus, kudos must be given to Lohan for borrowing Sharon Stone's "snatch" dress from Basic Instinct to wear to court. Nothing says, "I'm taking this seriously" more than showing up pantyless in a skin tight white dress, smoking a cigarette, and spreading her legs as the judge addressed her.

Ok, I made that up... she wasn't pantyless. But, again, would it surprise you if she was?

http://www.dailynews.com/news/ci_17339468?source=pkg
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Jennifer Aniston hates huge boobs and America, cause that goes hand in hand.

By huge boobs, I mean Heidi Montag and her husband Spencer Pratt (you thought I was talking about Montag's huge boobs, haha).

Supposedly Anistion barred Montag from the screening of her new movie "Just Go With It," that stars Adam Sandler and Brooklyn Decker.

This would of course beg the question does Montag have enough Hollywood pull to even attend such an event. And, the answer is "no." But, since she and her two co-stars (now I am talking about her huge boobs) have a bit part in the film she would typically be allowed to attend the gala.

But, Aniston supposedly barred the "actress" ( a term used loosely to describe both Aniston and Montag) from the screening because she is "too polarizing." Which is a nice way of saying "your tits are so big, they will steal the lime-light from me."

Montag replied by saying the whole thing was a big mix up, that she was invited, but she could not attend because she had to look after her dogs. Which is a nice way of saying, "I didn't want to come anyway bi#ch, and YES, my jugs are huge!"

http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/story/jennifer-aniston-bans-heidi-montag-from-film-premiere_1200746

p.s. The only reason a man would want to see this film is for that scene where Brooklyn Decker walks out of the ocean... even my 10 year old son says, "DAAAMMMMNNNNNN!" every time he sees that trailer.
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Hosni Mubarak will not be built a pyramid in his honor by his fellow Egyptians anytime soon. Unless it's built out of large piles of crap that has flowed from his mouth the past few weeks.

Less than 24 hours after telling Egyptians "I won't quit us," or something like that, Mubarak resigned and turned his power over to the Egyptian military.

What a mess.

I have a theory, actually I have many theory's, as you may have been able to tell by now, but this theory goes like this; Never go anywhere where they celebrate exciting things by yelling a tongue thrilling "Iyeyeyeyeyeyeyey," and shoot guns in the air... this includes Iraq, Egypt, and South Central Los Angeles.

For the past several weeks Egyptians have been protesting the decades of repressive leadership by President Mubarak which have been highlighted by several clashes between supporters and protesters of Mubarak in Egypts, Tahrir Square. This has lead to some reporters, like Anderson Cooper and Christiane Amanpour, being caught in the clash while reporting, from the streets, that there were clashes going on and that they were getting the sh!t kicked out of them... which serves them right... I mean, after all, they are rich, white, Americans walking around Tahrir Square like they own the place and expect nothing to happen... i.e. they are dumba$$es.

In the words of one merchant in the Egyptian capitol of Cairo, "these protest have set our country and economy back 50 years." So, that's like 1887... right. Seriously, do you think you were on the brink of becoming the next great technologically advanced state. In every protest picture there is noting but dirt covered streets, armed people bitching, and random goats. Could you imagine if they showed film of Times Square and it was a dirt covered road with goats tied to the street lights and Molotov cocktails flying across the joint, we'd get laughed at as a nation. Trust me, you ain't exactly Times Square, Egypt.

But, I digress. In the words of one Egyptian... "we are free."

Free. In a government that is currently being controlled by the military, you are free... I'm sure things will be awesome there by next week and you will be back up to your third world country standards.

In all seriousness, things may get better but it is going to take some serious time, and probably lots more of my tax dollars. Because, I'm sure we'll be sending a 'support' package to the Egyptians soon in hopes of getting our foot in their door... if not that, then maybe George Clooney can have a celebrity filled pledge drive.

Sean Penn, get your bags packed... there are people to be saved!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110211/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_egypt

Monday Morning Quarterback

Although it looks as if Christina Aguilera would have no problem reciting you the ingredients and instructions to making double-fudge chocolate brownies apparently the National Anthem causes her fits.

And, thus begins our Monday Morning Quarterback blog of all things Superbowl... except football.

So, Christina blotched the National Anthem... but rest assured more embarrassing things could have happened... no I'm not talking about some Disney doofus ripping her blouse open to reveal her pierced breast, no I'm saying they could have flashed her current weight up on that BIG screen in Texas Stadium.

Good Christ, what happened to her. I've always had this theory that 3-6 months after a woman gets divorced she will look better then at any point during her marriage. This happens for three reasons.

1. Spite - She wants to say "f*** you" to the guy that left her by looking s#it hot when he knows he can't touch her ever again without actually saying a word to him.

2. More Spite - She's on the prowl for a new man (so she can start eating again).

3. Even More Spite - She wants everyone to know that I only looked like that because I was with him... it wasn't me, it was him.

Well, Christina totally blows that theory out of the water. Instead, she has apparently chosen to hoover up every scrap of food around her then go on national television, and in front of the largest possible audience ever, f*** up the National Anthem... the only song that every American knows.

There's only one thing you can say... Spite... Failed.

And, speaking of failure you gotta love it when FOX cuts to the luxury box to show Cameron Diaz shoveling food in to Alex Rodriguez's mouth like she was shoveling coal into a furnace. In the biz we call that "epic timing."

Actually, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I'm not in the biz. But, I know a F.U. when I see one.

(http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Video-Cameron-Diaz-weirdly-feeds-popcorn-to-Ale?urn=nfl-317849 )

And, that luxury box. Jerry Jones had invited George Bush, Barbara Bush, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones, John Madden, Condoleezza Rice, Sugar Ray Leonard... and Austin, f***in, Kutcher. Don't get me wrong I love the movies 'Valentine's Day' and 'No Strings Attached' as much as the next guy straddling the man fence, but sitting with that better class, well better than him... come on. The guys a doof. And, what was that he was wearing on his head... a rasta hat. When did he become a Jamaican reggae singer.

http://www.yourcelebritystuff.com/ashton-kutcher/ashton-kutcher-sitting-behind-george-bush-at-the-super-bowl/

And, speaking of singers. Too bad we didn't have any for the half time show. (A-rum-pum-pum. Thank you folks, I'm here all week)

Actually, I don't blame the Black Eyed Peas for their poor audio performance. If I was Will-i-am I'd beat the s#it out of the guy who set up my mike... I think his name was I-F***ed-Up. They sounded like crap, and they looked like they had boards shoved up their a$$es. We've seen most of their act before, in their concert and on other television shows (MTV Music Awards), with the exception that they usually dance. However, they barely moved on the big stage and appeared to be nervous and scared. Like Josh Duhamel is every time Fergie says, "hurry, I'm about to piss myself."

http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/fergie-wet-her-pants-on-stage/

The mass of choreographed "Tron" dancers helped a bit, but even that was borrowed from the opening ceremonies of the Chinese Olympics, who by the way did it WAY better. Guest appearances by Slash and Usher did little to improve the scene, but at least Usher moved, the Peas looked as stiff as Willi's plastic hair piece.

But, the Peas are not alone in the "looking bad" category. The NFL and Jerry Jones joined them when they sold seats they didn't have.

Over 400 people had purchased seats and traveled to the game only then to walk through the gate to find out that they didn't actually have a seat like they thought. I guess special seats that were being installed just for the game did not get installed due to weather delays. Nice!

To make up for it the NFL offered people who got screwed in the deal three times face value of the seats they had purchased as a refund, which was $2400.

There's no way that would cover what someone spent on the Superbowl. You have to figure; 4- nights at a hotel at $250 a night (hotels in the area required a minimum 4-night stay), airfare, food, drink, plus souvenirs and other crap, let alone, the cost of the ticket, which if bought through a second hand vendor was WAY over the face value... I'd say you're looking at $4000 per seat. Minimum.

I'd be f***ing pissed.

You figure most people, in their lifetime, would never get to a Superbowl. And, these guys bought the cheap seats, so you know they aren't the corporate cronies that go every year. What does that "experience" cost? What's it's value? Certainly more than $4000 if you ask me. But, go figure, one of the unlucky guest has already started a website to sue the NFL, superbowlsuit.com. My guess is they will get four grand and then some.

On top of all this was the awesome Dallas weather. It maybe snows once a year in Dallas and even that is minimal and usually melted off by the next day... but, not this time. Dallas got pounded by snow and it didn't melt all week. Roads were closed, air travel was a mess, only about 2/3's of the stadiums entrances were open because of a concern for falling ice. Basically it all sucked. Now we get to hear the NFL pundits complain that the Superbowl should only be held in warm weather places like Miami, Phoenix, L.A. and New Orleans. Well, get used to it... next year is Indy and then an outside game in New York. Bundle up b!tc#es.

Commercials this year were OK. I loved the aforementioned Little Darth Vader VW commercial, but also liked the eTrade commercials, as usual, and the Chrysler 200 commercial with Eminem was kinda cool, even thought I would never buy a Chrysler cause Chrysler builds sh!t. Carmax had a decent ad, and women everywhere this Valentine's day will be getting cards that read, "Dear (name), your rack is unreal!" but I still don't get most of these advertisers spending $1.6 million on 30 seconds of ad time only to show us the lame a$$ sh!t they come up with, i.e.; Doritos, Pepsi Max, and whatever Kenny G. and Adrien Brody were selling. Every ad should kill with that kind of money being thrown around.

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/the-buzziest-super-bowl-ads-of-2011--2278

And, finally, to end this edition of Monday Morning Quarterback I leave you with this... the Monday after Superbowl Sunday should be a national holiday and all business should be closed... so sayeth my pounding head and wrecked stomach.

http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-after.html


See you next year, if there is no strike!

Instant Classic Superbowl Ad

@ Yahoo! Video

This superbowl ad came out a few days before the big game.

p.s. Steelers 27-24.

The End Is Near

Having lived in a state where snow was just part of the norm, it always makes me laugh at the panic that is created when a snow storm is predicted for Oklahoma.

It doesn't take much to shut down this state. With no significant snow removal system in place and with political correctness run amuck a couple of inches is enough to throw Oklahoma citizens into mass hysteria.

And, it's not just snow that causes a total closure of all state facilities... it's ice, rain... hell, we've cancelled school before because it was going to be really cold. When I asked my school administrator why we cancel school so often it always comes down to "safety."

That's a cop out excuse... "safety."

"We can't risk buses driving on slick roads, or kids standing out in the cold," they say.

I guess that makes sense... for pu$$ies.

It is a school after all and if I ask my kids what they learned while sitting at home playing XBox instead of going to class today they will say, "if there is a little snow... I don't have to go to work."
Yep, a big generation of a bunch of candy-a$$ wimps, that's what were creating. Generation Wus.

Now, I'm not shi#ing you when I tell you that my kids were off from school for 3 days last year due to "extreme cold weather conditions." There was no snow, ice or anything... just cold. And by cold, I mean temps in the teens and single digits. Not the -30's you get in Alaska or the whole month of January in North Dakota when it's hovering around 0. Three days... because of cold!

In the schools defense, the same administrator told me that some students don't have jackets... They told me that some kids will be sent to school in shorts when it's below freezing out because "that's what the kid wanted to wear." That's not a school problem... that's a parent problem. A dumba$$ parent problem. The school is just looking out for their little frozen butts since their parents don't have the sense God gave a dung beetle.

Yeah, a dung beetle.

A dung beetle will climb into a pile of crap to survive the elements, yet Jimmy's mom won't make Jimmy wear pants when it's 27 degrees out. DUMBA$$E$.

But, I digress.

I mostly blame the media for this and most all weather related panic. Oklahoma is infamous for their coverage of any storm system that bears down on our state. I can count on several nights of TV being interrupted or canceled completely each year so that we can watch the most famous weatherman in the world, Gary England, and his band of tornado chasing buffoons, chase a storm cell across the state. Don't think he's famous... he has a drinking game named after him, The Gary England Drinking Game (http://www.okstorms.com/chasing/other_weather/drinking_game.htm).

The guy has made a name for himself telling us about every shower and strong wind that has ever blown across Oklahoma.

And, by "ever," I mean since the beginning of time. I think he's 187.

That may be a conservative estimate. Let's just say he can tell you what the weather was like when Lincoln got shot... cause he was there. His report went like this; "Today was a nice April day with temps in the mid 60's, tomorrow the weather will take one last turn for the worse when we'll have a cool front move through state bringing us a chance for Spring showers and moderately cool weather. Temperatures will be in the upper 40's for the northern part of the state with low 50's in the south. Look for this to last a couple of days then I think we'll see 'ol Mr. Sunshine again and warmer temps for the later part of the week... oh, yeah, and President Lincoln was killed today."

He's old, long winded, and a weather nutbag. Hell, I've seen him talk for 15 minutes because of dust that the wind was blowing around on a hot July evening instead of being able to watch reruns of Seinfeld.

It's f***ing dust, get the Pledge out and get over it!

If it's weather related, it's big news in OK, and the weathermen are going to make a big deal about it, period... accept that now before it destroys you. Half the time the weathermen are on TV 24/7 telling us about some epidemic that is about to befall us and it never ends up happening. Then they act disappointed instead of relieved that it missed us. The local weathermen are better at causing panic then of attempting to advert it.

For example, this weeks storm began last week in the form of a mild ice storm and cold weather change after a weekend of 70 degree days. It read like this in the news... "enjoy the warm weather folks, cause starting next Monday you are probably going to die or suffer from life threatening hypothermia in a mild ice storm that will hit the state like a freight train hitting a baby stroller filled with un-weaned puppies."

OK, maybe I over dramatized it a bit, but I'm not that far off.

On Thursday both my kids came home from school with the news, "we're probably not going to have school next Tuesday and Wednesday... and maybe Thursday." A flake hasn't even hit the ground and my kids are already making play dates five days before the storm is supposed to hit cause the school is already telling my kids that they are closing.

My next big slap in the face came when my wife and I went to the grocery store. We walked in and were like "what the f*** is going on." The store was packed. It was like shopping for groceries on the Friday after Thanksgiving at Wal-Mart when they are selling laptops for $100.

People were freaking out.

Items like milk, water, and basic dry goods were cleaned off the shelves (which was fine, I live off of liquor and chips and salsa). We were walking the aisle asking ourselves, "did we miss something." Then I overheard some ladies talking about snow and I was like, "are you f***ing kidding me."

All this for what is predicted to be 6-10 inches of snow.

You'd think the Russians had parked some nukes off the coast of Florida with the way people were acting or that Justin Beiber was offering free tickets with a purchase of a gallon of milk. It was nuts.

I saw one lady claw out another ladies throat, Road House style, over the last 16oz block of Colby Jack cheese. It was Thunderdome.

Ok... I made that up.

But it was stoopid nuts.

This same thing happened last year. We got about 8 inches of snow. I got the day off work, so I wasn't really complaining, until I loaded my kids up in the SUV to go see a movie at 4pm and the theater was closed... along with the mall... and all the restaurants. I couldn't even get into a store to buy any sleds. Everything was SHUT DOWN.

I felt like Burgess Meredith in his famous Twilight Zone episode, "Time Enough At Last," where he ends up being the last man on earth and all he wants to do is read books... thousands of books, then he breaks his glasses. And, it was like, F***!

Everything was vacated.

And, if that wasn't bad enough... the next day, people did try to venture out. That was a day that tried my patience like no other.

See, I lived a large chunk of my life in Denver, CO and a 8 inch snow storm happens several times a year. You get used to those types of conditions. It's just another day there. So, perhaps it's for the best. After all, no Okie can drive in that s#!t (see post http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2011/01/driving-on-snow-perspective-from-guy.html). And, that would piss me off even more; having these f***ing morons try to get on the snow covered streets.

I guess I will just shut my mouth, enjoy my day (or two) off and watch the weather men scare the sh!t out of everyone all day long with "ICE WATCH 2011: COLD DEATH!"

God, I hope I have enough chips and salsa.

Top 5: Oscar Snubs

Well it's that time of year when Hollywood is patting itself on back for finding cures to cancer and solving worldwide hunger issues... uh, what... they're just making movies and getting paid millions to do it. That's my bad... I just thought with the constant barrage of movie awards we've seen and or are about to see that they must of done something pretty terrific, but yeah, making movies is right up there with resolving the heath care issue, so let me rephrase...

We'll it's that time of year when Hollywood is patting itself on the back for being totally and completely awesome... after all, name another industry that gives itself more awards than there are weeks in a year to televise them.

Anyway, the Oscars recently released their annual nominations for Best Movie, Best Actor, Best Actress, etc. and, as is standard, the media pointed out their short sightedness in quick fashion. Most notably this year, Andrew Garfield from 'The Social Network' and Mila Kunis from 'Black Swan' were not nominated for anything. Garfield I get, but Kunis... come on, have you seen that scene (the scene) with her and Natalie Portman... GREAT stuff! When is someone going to have an awards show for best girl on girl scene. That's an awards show that I watch. Just sayin.

Anyway, it got me to thinking what were some of the biggest Oscar snubs or mistakes of all time. And, since it's been awhile since I've done a top 5... well let's just say I'm throwing a rock and two birds.

5. Brad Pit - 12 Monkeys - Should have won for Best-Supporting Actor. Don't get me wrong Kevin Spacey was great in 'The Usual Suspects' but really all he did was gimp around and act like a puss. Not much of a stretch for Kevin Spacey. Pitt's performance was killer and stole the show. Another Pitt snub was for his single scene performance from True Romance when he played Floyd. They should make an award for "Best Cameo" or "Best Single Scene." That's an awesome idea if I have to say so myself. Think of it; Tom Cruise as Les Grossman in Tropic Thunder, Ben Stiller in The Legend of Ron Burgandy, and Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in every Kevin Smith film.

4. Paul Newman - Cool Hand Luke - Let's face it, Newman should probably have won about 5 Best Acting awards... it wasn't until he played Fast Eddie in The Color of Money that he finally did. Yes they skipped over him 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof', 'Hud', 'The Hustler', 'Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid', and of course 'Cool Hand Luke.' Losing that year to Rod Steiger for his performance from 'In The Heat of The Night.' Name me another Rod Steiger film. Hell, Newmans performance as Reggie Dunlop in Slap Shot was better than Steiger's Chief Gillespie. Ok, maybe that's a stretch... but I can tell you no one goes around quoting lines from 'In The Heat of The Night." Keep shaking that bush boy... keep shaking that bush. It should be noted that Steiger beat Dustin Hoffman to for his performance in 'The Graduate' too... really!

3. Saving Private Ryan - It wasn't so much that this movie didn't win Best Picture, but what did... Shakespeare in Love. Que? In what I would consider a WEAK year in Best Picture noms, Saving Private Ryan lost to Shakespeare in Love. The other nominees were Elizabeth, Life is Beautiful, and A Thin Red Line. After seeing any of these movies I would never see them again. I would never even want to see most of them in the first place ( exception; Thin Red Line). What crap is this? Saving Private Ryan was spectacular, it was huge, it gave a whole new generation a new respect for "the greatest generation." It made World War II matter again. And, what did it get... snubbed.

2. Apocalypse Now - Francis Ford Coppola's epic Vietnam drama was so complex and riveting that I don't think the Academy knew exactly what to do with it. Listed at #28 on the AFI Top 100 Films list, Apocalypse Now lost the Best Picture award to , 'Krammer vs. Krammer,' which isn't even on the list. Roger Ebert wrote in his review "Apocalypse Now achieves greatness not by analyzing our 'experience in Vietnam', but by re-creating, in characters and images, something of that experience." And, it took you through some pretty dark, f***ing experiences at that. Perhaps because it took us there is why it was snubbed in 1979.

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey - Number 22 on AFI's Top 100 Films list wasn't even nominated for Best Picture in 1968. The Academy instead chose to nominate 'Funny Girl,' 'The Lion In Winter,' 'Oliver' (winner), 'Rachel, Rachel,' and 'Romeo and Juliet.' None of which are on the top 100 list. Furthermore, in 1991 the Library of Congress selected it for preservation in the National Film Registry calling it "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant." Funny, I don't recall anyone saying that about 'Oliver.' The film is noted by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas as "hugely inspirational." Those guys are pretty good, I'll take their word for it.

Well, there you go, the biggest Oscar snubs and f***-ups ever. So, maybe Mila Kunis chowing down on Natalie Portman's box isn't in the top 5, it's still worthy of snubbery and, who knows, in 20 years maybe it'll make the top 5.

p.s. - Brad Pitt was a joke... sorta. The guy was awesome and deserved to win Best-Supporting Actor in 12 Monkeys, but snubbed? Not on this level...

5. Star Wars - This movie REWROTE the book on special effects in movies . It gave us 34 years of Star Wars lore, fan clubs, action figures, 5 more movies, cartoons out the a$$, Harrison Ford, the Force, Billions in sales. And, what did we give it... just a nomination for Best Picture. What the f*** has Annie Hall done for you lately.

Driving On Snow: A Perspective From The Guy Driving Behind You

Oklahoma experienced a little ice and snow fall last night and I had to follow you into work today, and I should tell you; you shouldn't be driving on the ice covered roads this morning... with your head up YOUR F***ING ASS!

Seriously, what the f*** were you thinking by grabbing your keys and stepping into that 2600 lb sled this morning. I'm not sure you should drive on a warm, sunny day, let alone, a slick and treacherous morning like this one.

You're a moron.

I especially liked it when you couldn't get stopped at the stop sign and stood on your brakes like you were going 107 mph and airborne, when in fact you were doing 4 mph... you're body was as straight as a board from your headrest to your brake peddle. I should point out that once you've slid past the stop sign and into the middle of the intersection that there is no need to stop at that point. You should probably just continue on, instead of coming to a complete stop then spinning your tires trying to take off like you were auditioning for the part of "Driver" in a Dukes of Hazard movie. And, then, because you slid through the stop sign, you went 10 mph the rest of the way to the highway... and I had to follow you for that whole time... that was great.

Anyway, thought I would take a minute to point out a few things to you and those drivers that think they need to be out today.

First of all; when the TV news anchorman tells you that if you are not "essential personnel" at your office to stay home, then you should listen to them. I want you to really consider your role at work and ask yourself, "is there a greater chance that someone is going to die because I didn't go into the office than if I get on the road." If there is not... stay home.

I would also like the news anchors to add to the "essential personal" list with the following; If you are in any way retarded, old, young, blind in one eye, afraid of spiders, bad at driving on a good day, has a car with bald tires, has a car with good tires but a bad driver, hates the color white, has any learning disabilities in your family tree going back 3 generations, if you don't know what ABS is, don't know what AWD is, don't know what ASS is (that's you, by the way), if you don't have any of these acronyms on your vehicle anywhere, if you cry easily, if you get emotional at sad commercials or have had a pet die in the last 10 days, if you might be driving with a child, if you plan on texting your friends that "it is icy out" while driving, if you think it's ok to wear either shorts when it is 22 degrees out or extremely long pointy shoes at any time in your life, if you think driving 5-10 mph and holding up traffic for 2 1/2 miles is a good idea, if you don't have a death wish, if you would not like me to park my Ford F-150 up your ass... then you need to stay off the roads today.

Second, here are some driving tips if you do venture out. Plan ahead, pay attention, know your route, give yourself plenty of time to stop, don't make sharp or sudden turns, don't pull out to close to anyone (remember they can't stop suddenly) and keep your head out of your ass. That last point is key. If you are going to drive with your head up your ass, just stay home.

It should be noted that most accidents occur on the ice because of braking... when you brake you lose a lot of ability to steer your vehicle... sometimes you just gotta drive through it, or hopefully, around it.

Third... don't be a part of the problem if you don't have to be. If you are not comfortable on the ice just stay the f*** home cause all you're doing is pissing those of us that have to be out in the ice right the f*** off.

And, last... if you are out on the ice and cause an accident... die. Cause if you ain't dead and I've wrecked my car because of you, I'm gonna beat your ass. I don't care if your legs are crushed and you are bleeding from your eye sockets, I'm gonna punch you in your damn face for driving on a day like today.

Enjoy your day home.

Rantin' and Ravin' and Other News

To Whom It May Concern:

I hope this rant finds you well.

First or all, it should be noted that I am in a particularly pissed off mood. I do not know why but warning has been served. Perhaps it's due to the fact that my favorite basketball team, the Denver Nuggets, is in disarray and are about to be imploded (f***ing trade Melo already, you’re team chemistry is for sh!t... I don't care if only get a used lawnmower back, just dump him). Or, perhaps it’s just that I have been witness to several different acts of ignorance over the past few days and I guess I have just been letting them get to me. For Example.

While at my kids indoor soccer games last night some douche bag sitting in front of me was in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops like it was the middle of July. For those of you who do not know, I live in Oklahoma, and the outside temperature last night was a balmy 22 degrees at game time. This prick was proudly raving that "it's not cold out. I'm from North Dakota and this is like a summer day up there."

I don't care who you are, if you live in North Dakota, South Dakota, Antarctica, if you're a f***ing Eskimo. 22 degrees is cold. Fine, I get it, the cold doesn't bother you. But, you look like a f***ing idiot in your shorts and flip flops when there's snow flurries on the ground. I wanna punch you in your damn cold face.

I would like to also point out that his kid was dressed for winter; jeans, sweatshirt, heavy coat. if it ain't cold why don't you put that som-b!tch in some flippy-floppys. Didn't think so dumbass.

And, just because it's cold doesn't mean the roads are slick, so to the old man I was driving behind this morning. SPEED THE F*** UP! Going 25 in a 45 should be a crime punishable by a swift ass kickin.

And, on a completely different subject; if you are on Facebook and you are using a picture of your dog as your profile picture. Change it motherf***er. I had some chick I went to school with friend request me whom I vaguely remember. Her Facebook profile picture didn’t help be out because it was of a fluffy white dog. I replied back to her and said I always thought she was a bitch and now her picture proves it.

Ok, that didn't happen, but let me tell you what did… DENIED! No friend for you.

Also, and this is a personal problem, but I have 208 friends on Facebook. Why? I couldn't pick but about 2/3rds of them out of a crowd and I'd need help with most of the other names. I guess one feels obligated to accept anyone they have a past history with, but more and more I am feeling that that is completely stupid. I feel a purge coming on. If you’re reading this you’re probably safe… probably.

I hate people who wear those stupid ass overly pointy shoes (see pic), that make their feet look 4 sizes larger than they actually are. You know the ones. They are super trendy, italian, and usually in lime green or purple.

I got a real issue with men, especially, wearing pointy shoes. You should know you look like a f***ing court jester in those clown shoes. Dance for me jester… dance boy!

In local news, a man in Bethany, OK, Reginald Scott Bartlett, recently stabbed his wife to death after she caught him viewing porn on the computer (we know what that means… yep, he was milking his pig). After arguing with him the man “snapped” grabbed a knife and stabbed her several times. He then went shopping for golf clubs. After a bit he went back home and called the cops.

Look ladies. All men look at porn. Accept than now before it destroys you… literally. See, we’re pigs. We can’t help it. That’s just the way it is; call it DNA, or wiring… we’re all just a little bit freaky and we love naked ladies. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT b!tch at us for it. If you’re curious, ask us about it, and use it. Seriously, we are more than likely willing to have sex with you, if you ask, while we are looking at porn... if you do not want to have sex with us, that is why we are looking at porn. That’s just a free bit of advice from the Slaphand.

Don’t misunderstand; I don’t condone Reginald’s actions. But, it’s sorta like the late, great Sam Kinison always said, “I don’t condone domestic violence… but I understand it.” I’m just saying there is a less abrasive way to address the subject than to just throw a fit. Might I suggest lending a hand? HA

Now if Reggie was running up thousands of dollars in charges looking at porn, b!tch shoulda grabbed the knife first. Just sayin.

http://www.newsok.com/article/3531188

Another interesting news story… By now I’m sure you have all heard the story of Ted Williams. If not, Ted was a homeless man, living on the streets of Columbus, OH when a local news reporter questioned Williams panhandling sign that stated he was down and out, but “had the gift of voice.” Williams gave him a few lines that sounded like they came from God’s emcee… it was this deep, honeyed, professional voice. The video went viral on the internet and now Williams has been offered several jobs, a house from the Cleveland Cavilers, and countless interviews from all types of media outlets including Dr. Phil and Entertainment Weekly.

While in L.A. to film the Dr. Phil spot Williams got into a spat at a hotel with his daughter, that had traveled with him, and the cops were called in by other guest. Williams and his daughter were questioned and released. I guess you can take a man off the streets but sometimes you can’t get the street off the man.

Anyway, one hotel guest said he didn’t know what they were arguing about but it was loud and sounded like Kasey Kasam if he were in a really bad mood. He said he could listen to Williams argue in that sultry voice all night long… he didn’t know if Williams “wanted to kill the girl he was arguing with or give her ‘A BRAND NEW CAR!’ His voice was like butter. It was like being chewed out by angels.”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110112/ap_en_tv/us_homeless_radio_voice

p.s. I hate it when men wear flip flops... unless you are on a beach or in a men's locker room shower. I want to take them off the persons feet and slap them right across their damn face with the flip flop when I see them on people.