I wonder what it is like getting busted rubbin' one out and then having your name posted in the newspaper for everyone to see so that they know you just got arrested for milkin' your pig. Well, if I ever run into (takin) Casey (to bat) Aaron Kolb I'll ask him what it's like getting caught for making like Han Solo and petting his Wookie.
I totally get it... when nature calls, and by nature I mean that hot-n-sexy Mother Nature, a dude's just gotta tug the stud. In Kolb's case it happened to strike him right in front of a Century 21 building in the middle of Edmond, Oklahoma, America. The dude needed to make WacDonalds special sauce and while not the best location to have the urge to warm up dinner for the alter boys, when you got to... you got to. It's a law.
So, I get it.
What I don't get is "the victim," whose name is never mentioned in the article, watching all this go down to the point of following Kolb around town while relaying his exploits to police. For Christ sake the guy just wanted Popeye to meet Five Finger Betty... can't a guy take little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction in peace. What kind of sick bitch wants to chase a guy down so that she can report that he was battlin' the purple headed yogurt slinger. Like she's never buttered up the whisker biscuit while sitting in front of a business in the middle of town. What an uppity old hag.
In Kolb's defense, after being busted by the local dicks (no pun intended) for making Staff Sargent Johnson PT till he pukes he claimed he had a tick on his privates and was attempting to remove in by slowly stroking his shaft in an up and down motion and caressing his testicles for 3-5 minutes in hopes of urging the tick to let go of said privates.
Makes sense to me.
I guess you could say he was committing hand to gland combat on a pesky parasite.
Only time will tell if Kolb will face charges or not. In the meantime I hope this doesn't deter any young boys from calling out the relief pitcher in front of Century 21, because it's perfectly natural. Just ask that slut, Mother Nature.
p.s. Yes, I posted Kolb's picture to show that he is a bald headed beauty just like his member (and to further humiliate him) and yes I only wrote this article to see how many euphemisms for jerking off I could use in one story.
So he got caught "Boxing the Bishop" - WTF was that lady doing? C'mon man that guy had to "hand it to himself" and she goes and ruins a perfectly good afternoon. I figure it this way the guy was getting ready for the rodeo and wanted to "rope his pony" before the show! Maybe he was a farmer - wanted to choke the chicken, flog the hog, looping the mule, walking the dog.
ReplyDeleteFer cryin' out loud I'm believing him about the tick in his private parts why not? If he is playing a little pocket pinball outside the Century 21 is that a big deal? Hells no - maybe there is a special someone he likes and he is a little shy. Sure beats (no pun intended) sitting in a school zone or in a church parking lot.
Let the poor schmuck pump the python. Now he is going to become Bubba's prison bitch! There will be little time the jerk the gerkin in the cross-bar hotel. No more teasing the weasel, jacking off, beating off,whacking off, no more spit shining the old-water pump, waxing the brass candle holder, riding the quarter-horse, playing cards with one hand on the table. So he is a solo aviator - what gives?
This just in . . . . A secondary charge is being filed - Mass murder of millions of tiny defenseless sperm!
HAHA... Love it. Who knew there were so many ways to describe petting the puking python.
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