Round Table: Women Scorned

(SH=Slaphand) Hello and welcome to our Women Scorned Round Table… with me are five guest, all women scorned, to discuss not only who scorned them and why but to offer their advice to women everywhere looking for that perfect man.

Our first guest is America’s sweetheart, actress, Oscar winner, and recently separated superstar… Sandra Bullock

(Bullock) Thank You.

(SH) Next to Sandra is the “almost” First Lady of the United States and also recently separated Tipper Gore

(Gore) Thanks for having me

(SH) Joining us, as well, is the recently incarcerated, forcibly separated, murdering, psychopath Debra Janelle Jeter

(Jeter) What? Can I get another Ambien shake?

(SH) Umm, To her left is BP CEO Tony Hayward

(Hayward) I’m not sure why I’m here; I thought this was a round table to discuss the situation in the Gulf. I would also like to point out that I am not a woman.

(SH) Are you recently scorned?

(Hayward) Well, yes, I guess.

(SH) If the Gulf Coast were a woman would she want to divorce your dumb ass?

(Hayward) I don’t think that’s a fair question…

(SH) We’ll take that as a yes… are you British?

(Hayward) Yes.

(SH) Close enough… last on our panel today is the recently separated, we think, and verrry well endowed Heidi Montag welcome…

Heidi, let’s start with you, when will you be showing us those magnificent new breast?

(Montag) haha, I don’t know… I guess when I find something I really, really want and don’t have enough money for it or if my name hasn’t appeared on the celeb websites for more than 7 days I’ll start shopping pictures of my enormous, disproportionally sized cans to some of the more popular skin mags. Of course, Hef’s got first dibs ‘cause Playboy is classy, just like me.

(SH) We’re really hoping that happens soon. Speaking of soon it sounds like your 15 minutes of fame and your marriage to Spencer are just about up; what happen?

(Montag) I just need some time with myself… I mean, if you had mammories like mine wouldn’t you just want to sit at home and play with them for like hours all by yourself. Wouldn’t you want to rub them, and pinch them, and oil them up, and caress them, and motorboat them, and just stare at them in a mirror.

(SH) Yeeeees… yes I would… wait, you can motorboat your own boobs.

(Montag) yeah, wanna see…

(Bullock) I really don’t think this is the time or place for…

(SH) SHUT THE F*** UP SANDRA! Yes Heidi I would like to see you motorboat your boobs please… please.

(Montag) HAHA, I’ll save that for another time when I really want something else.

(SH) Gawd-damn-it Sandra, this is my interview not yours.

(Bullock) sorry.

(SH) Well, how ‘bout any of the rest of you ladies, are any of you going to be whoring any pics of yourselves around like Heidi will soon, we’ll with the exception of you Mr. Hayward

(Hayward) Well, I should think not.

(SH) We heard you were already whoring yourself out in some apology ads to the American public explaining how sorry you are but really you’re just trying to save your stock price a bit along with your own ass. Aren’t you?

(Hayward) Sir, I will not answer that question and I demand to know why am I here!

(SH) In case any of these ladies get really upset they can punch you in your damn British face.

(Hayward) Ah yes, sorry… carry on ‘ol chap.

(Bullock) No, I'm not shopping any, but I think it’s safe to say some of the skank my ex slept with are, if you’re looking, haha, snort, haha

(SH) That’s really the worst laugh ever… but Sandra, how have you been since the story of Jessie’s infidelities surfaced… we hear you are going to step back into the public eye on MTV this weekend, any truth to that?

(Bullock) Yes, I will be on MTV’s Movie Awards show this weekend ripping my es-husbands already shattered image to further shreds for sleeping with a bunch of tatted up bitches that most men would step on to spend 5 minutes with me… but I’m not bitter or anything. Haha, snort.

(SH) When news broke of the affair this website reported that it was do to the fact that you’re probably a cold fish in bed.

(Bullock) I have to admit, that’s true… I just lie there like one of those cadaver actors on CSI Miami, occasionally I snort-laugh, to which Jesse would scream at me to “F*** PIG,” But seriously, what would you rather have some crazy lady that dresses you up like nazi and who can put her legs behind her head and make her fake boobs shake in opposite directions while you’re pounding her and screaming “HEIL HITLER” and do all kinda freaky things like a Cirque du Soleil performer on crack then afterwards, if you wanted, you could compare tattoos that you have on your privates with her… or you could have me.

(SH) hhhummm… we’ll get back to you… Tipper unlike Sandy you’re husband didn’t have filthy sex with countless women but yet, your marriage has ended… what went wrong?

(Gore) That’s not true, there were actually two stains on Monica Lewinsky’s dress.

(SH) Seriously?

(Gore) Ha, No, I just made that up… I just wanted to try to shock you as much as Sandra must have been after finding out her husband was riding a wanna-be porn star like a stolen Harley. However, we are separating for similar reasons to that of hers

(SH) So, he did cheat on you?

(Gore) No, Al, too, was a cold fish in bed. Haha. I mean look at him he’s such a stiff he makes lumber jealous. I’ve got socks that are more exciting than him. I’ve had bowel movements that got me closer to orgasm than he has. Sex with him was about as promising as Mr. Hayward's career for Chris sake. And, boring, oh my gawd, instead of a glass of milk and book to go to sleep at night I’d just ask him to talk to me about the environment… that was it, out in like 30 seconds.

(Bullock) Uh, I’m not a cold fish.

(Gore) Honey, come on… I’ve known a couple of nuns whose sex life is more exciting than yours. Haha, I mean if you were walking around at Fisherman's wharf some Chinese guy would try to sell you.

(Bullock) HAHA, snort HA… hey wait…

(SH) But, don’t you claim that your love life inspired the film “Love Story.”

(Gore) That’s Al’s claim… if there was movie that our love life was based on it would have to be The English Patient

(SH) That’s kinda a romantic movie.

(Gore) Not if you consider that it seemed to last for 40 years and that I slept through most of it.

(SH) ah.

(Jeter) I just killed my children.

(SH) oooooo kay.

(Jeter) yeah, my husband and I were going through a divorce and to show him that I wasn’t gonna take any more of his crap I just killed em. Slashed their throats.

(Jeter’s Attorney) Actually your oldest daughter lived.

(SH) Yeah, that makes it better lawyer boy… don’t you think that is a pretty extreme response to the end of a marriage Mrs. Jeter?

(Jeter) I suppose… but I was in a car accident a few months ago and I don’t even remember killin ‘em. I don’t know if my therapist told you but I’m sorta crazy.

(SH) No shit… before slashing your kid’s throats what actually caused your divorce proceedings.

(Jeter) Well, I found out my husband was cheating on me.

(SH) Really?

(Jeter) Yeah, he was sleeping with this crazy girl with tattoos all over her body. She’s a fetish model, Kaboom, or Seashell, something like that, Magoo, I guess she’s famous in biker circles.

(Bullock) Uh, I think you are talking about my ex-husband and Bombshell Magee.

(Jeter) Oh yeah, sorry… I get confused… He actually caused a natural disaster that will render thousands if not millions in financial shambles and single handily created the greatest natural disaster ever all along the Gulf Coast.

(Haywood) Madam, I believe you are referring to me… we, uh, we were never married. Sorry dear.

(Jeter) Haha, sorry British guy, what I meant to say was my husband was running for president and I…

(Gore) Nope wrong again… that’s my ex.

(Jeter) oh… ok, well, let’s just say my ex was a douche bag.

(Montag) Ha… That’s my husband… Spencer!

(Jeter’s Attorney) No, she’s actually talking about her husband now.

(Montag) Sorry, I just assumed she was talking about my husband.

(SH) It’s an easy mistake. And, sorry Heidi we didn’t talk to you for like almost 5 minutes… any chance on seeing those boobs yet.

(Montag) Spencer’s not here.

(SH) We meant your tits.

(Montag) Oh… hehe, sorry. Not yet silly.

(SH) It was worth a try… Well, you have all been scorned and scorned in the public eye no less, so with that in mind, what advice would you offer to young couples in a relationship. Sandra…

(Bullock) You can’t change em. Look, if you think you are going to change a guy with tattoos all over his arms, who builds motorcycles and hangs out with biker thugs who had been divorced twice already and one of his ex’s was a porn star and he has a fetish for slutty bitches and possibly monkeys and given the fact that your about as exciting in bed as an economics seminar… well you can’t change ‘em, trust me.

(SH) Mrs. Gore…

(Gore) Marry someone that makes your heart beat.

(Bullock and Montag) ooohhhhh

(Gore) Or, at least someone that has a heartbeat… a rum-pum-pum.

(SH) Hayward

(Hayward) Sir, I am happily married.

(SH) Really?

(Hayward) Yes

(SH) Really?

(Hayward) ohh, buggers, No! No I'm not… I hate that pasty white skinned British hunt (but he didn’t say hunt)

(SH) So… your advice

(Hayward) Sir, I have made millions of dollars exploiting the earths natural resources with little actual thought of the consequences should a disaster strike like it did in the Gulf. So, I guess my advice is to f*** it, and deal with it after it’s screwed up.

(SH) Well played Hayward... Jeter?

(Jeter) Make sure you have a good alibi and don’t call the cops on yourself.

(SH) That’s really your advice.

(Jeter) uh, don’t marry a douche.

(Montag) She took mine!

(SH) Well that wraps up our Women Scorned Round Table, my thanks to all our guest for joining us today… Heidi, one more chance to show us those magnificent beauties…

(Montag) …maybe for a 2011 Bentley convertible.

(SH) and we’re out! Thanks again everyone. Will someone please punch Hayward in the face please…

Related Articles:
Bullock - http://www.showbizspy.com/article/205719/sandra-bullock-to-address-marriage-split-at-mtv-awards.html
Gore - http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100603/ap_on_re_us/us_gore_separation_7
Jeter - http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20006621-504083.html
Hayward - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/03/bp-ceo-tony-hayward-new-o_n_599252.html
Heidi - http://mog.com/blog_post/content/1498/2031702