Now THAT'S a Bender

You know you have had a successful night of partying if you are arrested the next day after having found your vehicle parked atop a piece of farm equipment, your covered in blood and pig shit, and you don't remember a f***ing thing.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/05/25/minnesota-pigs-stabbed/index.htmp?htp=Sbin

A Minnesota man, Curtis Lee Adams, was arrested last month and recently plead guilty to third degree burglary, torture, and cruelty to animals charges
.
(Now that's a party!)

Discovered by police outside a Minnesota pig farm after getting lost upon leaving a local bar, Adams told the officers he had been looking for his lost car (later found on top of a farm implement). The officers noted that Adams had bloody knuckles and "smelled very strong like pigs and had manure all over him." After failing a breath test (no shit) Adams was arrested and later released to a sober driver that night.

It wasn't until the next morning that workers in the barn found 29 pigs had been stabbed and found a knife in nearby grass.

(Now that's a F***ING party!!)

Adams told officers the knife was his and after seeing photographs of the scene claimed he "must of done it but does not remember doing it."

(Hell yeah!!!)

You've had so much to drink that you don't remember crashing your car on top of a piece of farm equipment, stumbling into a pig barn with knife in hand, and chasing around pigs, for what had to be quite some time, and stabbing 29 of those squealing, shit covered, bacon makers.

(I WANNA PARTY WITH THAT GUY!!!)

A vet ended up euthanizing the pigs, no word yet on if you had them for breakfast this morning.

Top 5 Ralph Macchio Movies: A Karate Kid Tribute

I went to the movies this weekend and saw a preview for the new Karate Kid movie staring, (my dad is a HUGE star) Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan. The movie looks good, but surely will not live up to the standard set forth by Ralph Macchio (who will be referred to in this article as "the kid") and Pat Morita... which prompted the question: What are the top 5 Ralph Macchio Movies?

First I had to think if Ralph Macchio has even been in 5 movies... and he has (thank goodness), so without further ado... Ralph Macchio's top 5 movies and real vs. approximate age of character played (just for the fun of it, cause Ralph is pushing 50, but has looked 15 years younger his whole life)

5. Beer League - The Kid as Maz, 45 playing early 30's - An Artie Lang film (which pretty much tells you, right there, how crappy it is) about a out-of-work loser who lives with his mother whose only escape in life is the softball league he belongs to. The loser is Artie, and The Kid is his successful best friend. The story pretty much focuses on Artie's character, his drinking, and his inability to hold on to the woman he loves until he is nearly kicked out of softball for fighting and his best friend, Maz, turns his back on his buddy after years of dealing with his loser friend. - 1/2 Star (out of 5 stars)

4. My Cousin Vinny - The Kid as Billy Gambini, 31 playing 18 - I would have ranked this higher on the list, but the kid really only played a supporting character in the film which was made great by Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei. The Kid plays a kid on his way to visit a college when he and a buddy get pulled over and charged with murder they didn't commit. The Kid lawyer's up with... his cousin Vinny. The Kid plays a great role, that coulda been played by any Italian-American looking kid, but he sells the part well. 4 Stars

3. Crossroads - The Kid as Eugene Martone, 25 playing 17ish - The Kid leaves Julliard to travel with Willie Brown (played by Joe Seneca) across Mississippi in search of, great blues man, Robert Johnson's missing 31st song. On the trip Willie takes The Kid under his wing and teaches him about the Blues. On the road The Kid learns that there really isn't a 31st song and Willie was just using him to get back to the Crossroads so he can get his soul back from the Devil upon his death. Willie had sold his soul, just like Johnson, for a life of fame and fortune and he didn't get his side of the deal. In the end The Kid has to have a guitar dual against the Devils guitar player (play by Steve Vai) to get Willie's soul back and save his own... a classic scene to say the least. The movie brought us a great soundtrack and a great line... "Blues ain't nothing but a good man feeling bad." The Kid received accolades for his acting in the movie from several movie reviewers of the time, most notably, Roger Ebert. 4 Stars

2. The Outsiders - The Kid as Johnny Cade, 22 playing 16 - What a great movie! Set in 1965 Tulsa Oklahoma this movie tells the story of a gang of hoods from the "other side of the tracks." The Kid and his Greaser buddy "Ponyboy" Curtis (C. Thomas Howe) get into a fight with some Socs' (kids from the right side of the tracks) and accidentally kill one them. They run off and hide with the help of fellow Greaser,Dallas (Matt Dillon), from the law. They eventually decide to turn themselves in and claim self protection but on the way back to town they see a building on fire with a bunch of kids in it and The Kid and Ponyboy run in to save them. Dallas has to run in to save The Kid and both get burned. The Kid ends up dying in the hospital, but not before muttering "stay golden Ponyboy, " All this sends Dallas over the edge and at the rumble between the Greasers and the Socs Dallas ends up running from the cops and getting gunned down. The Kid plays a great role but is flanked by a slew of other Brat Packers including; Patrick Swayze, Emilio Estevez, Lief Garrett, Tom Cruise, and Diane Lane. 4 1/2 Stars

1. The Karate Kid - The Kid as Daniel LaRusso, 23 playing 16 - The Kid befriends an old man after moving from New Jersey to Reseda, CA. The old man Mr. Miyagi, turns out is a Karate expert and saves Danielson's neck from the school bullies lead by Johnny Lawrence, the head student at Cobra Kai dojo (played most excellently by William Zabka, who would play the same roll in about 20 other films). In order to earn the bullies respect The Kid convinces Mr. Miyagi to teach him the art of Karate. In the process Mr. Miyagi becomes a sort of father figure to The Kid and teaches him to "find balance" in his life. Finally at the All Valley Karate Tournament The Kid beats a slew of Cobra Kai bullies to end up facing Johnny in the final, but not before one of them sweeps The Kids knee putting his ability to fight the final round in question. The Kid convinces Mr. Miyagi to fix his knee by slapping his hands together, rubbing them and then twisting The Kids knee back into place so he can find balance and in the final fight scene use the Crane method to defeat Johnny and earns his respect. 5 Stars

Definitely The Kids Shining moment. The Kid would go on to star in two other Karate Kid movies, but none matched the quality of the first (although they were probably both better than Beer League, but I didn't want to list all three in The Kid's best movies).

By comparison, if you listed Pat Morita's top 5 you'd have to list all 4 Karate Kid movies... ok here you go

5. Honeymoon in Vegas
4. The Karate Kid III
3. The Next Karate Kid
2. The Karate Kid II
1. The Karate Kid

Hopefully little Will Smith and Mr. Chan won't let us down!

Things I Learned This Week

Venus Williams is still not attractive. It doesn't even matter if she plays tennis in lingerie, she still looks like a female wrestler on roids with a man-butt.

Shouldn't this be illegal; I mean look at her. If she wore this outfit on the street she'd be arrested for indecent exposure or for extremely bad taste. Now if you put Sophie Turner (google her) in this outfit and had her bounce around at the French Open for 2 1/2 hours... now that's something I'd spend money to see.

http://www.showbizspy.com/article/205209/venus-williams-shows-off-her-big-booty-at-the-french-open-picture.html

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Lindsey Lohan could murder someone and get away with just wearing an ankle bracelet as punishment. This week Lohan showed up to court 11 minutes late after failing to show up in court on her regularly scheduled court date after failing to complete her mandatory alcohol classes after having them extended because she failed to meet the original time frame to complete the classes after getting her 2nd DUI and being charged with cocaine possession. But, she had a good excuse... apparently there was a hell of a party in Cannes France.

While there she was photographed drunk and being helped to her car and at a party where lines of cocaine were clearly visible on a table in front of her. Awesome.

I have had Lohan on my deadpool list for the last three years... please, just die already.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/05/24/lohan.court.case/index.html?section=cnn_latest

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Brittany Murphy's house is a death trap. This week, just 5 months after Murphy was found dead in her house, her husband, Simon Monjack, was found dead in the same house by the same person, Brittany's mom Sharron.

"No Thank You Brittney's mom... I do not want to sleep over."

Apparently Brittany and Simon shared the house with Brittany's mom and Simon and her continued to live in the house after Brittany's death (weird). Simon was scheduled to undergo heart bypass surgery sometime this summer and is suspected of having died of heart failure. Still, my advice to mom... "get out of the house."

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/Movies/05/24/brittany.murphy.husband.dead/index.html?npt=NP1

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If you spill a bunch of oil into the gulf of Mexico you're probably a dick. It's true, British Petroleum, you are a dick.

Google BP or oil spill

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Lebron James is making the biggest decision in basketball history and his sh!t don't stink. While addressing the media after his Cleveland Cavaliers were eliminated from the NBA Playoffs he noted several times that "his team" would be making a decision on his NBA future on July 1st. "His Team," ? WTF ? how many people are on this team?

The basketball world can't wait. Everyone from Mark Cuban (fined $100K) to my grandma ("who's Lebron the quarterback of" ...I'm not kidding) has weighed in on the subject that is taking the sports world by storm. The receiving team is almost assured a championship at some point and definitely will hit a marketing payday that could be counted in the billions.

New York gives him the greatest marketing windfall and endorsement paycheck. Miami gives him the best chance at winning the most championships by partnering a Jordan like player (Wade) with a Magic like player (Bron). Chicago, sad to say, wouldn't work... he is not winning 6 championships in Chicago like Jordan did and thus would never be considered as good as Jordan. Dallas would partner him an awesome power forward (Dirk) that would spread the floor and clear the lane for him, but who could stand that egomaniac Cuban if he won a championship... the league won't allow it. But, and I'm just throwing this out there, what if he went to Orlando... they dump Lewis, Vinsanity, White Chocolate and sign Bron. He'd be playing with the leagues best center (Superman) and one of the top 5 points in the league (Nelson). And the marketing would be through the roof, he'd be able to partner with Disney to be the "King" in the Magic Kingdom. Done.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/feature/index?page=LeBron-Tracker

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I'm still LOST. The hit ABC show Lost ended this week with much ta-do (I gave up on this show after season 2 when the smoke monster was scaring people). For those fans that stayed true to the show it was noted that they were happy with the finale but still had questions. For those who didn't stay true... the clowns on Oceanic 815 were stuck in Purgaroty; where apparently polar bears, magnatrons, love triangles, love quadrangles, love hexiangles, dead people come back to life, VW buses rock, smoke monsters fly, time can change, and a whole crap load of other shit can happen. Final assesment... with six seasons on an island with food rations and a ton of running around Hurley couldn't lose any weight. WTF.

http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/05/24/lost-finale-the-ending-explained/

Suck on This

Julie Bowen of Modern Family fame recently announced on Lopez Tonight that she dropped her pregnancy weight by running and... breastfeeding. And, in case you didn't believe her she brought along a picture to prove it.

http://www.huffingtonpost/2010/05/18/modern-familys-julie-bowen_n_580757.html

Apparently she's been whoring this pic, er, I mean, shopping this pic around because just a week ago she tried to show the same picture on The View, but those tight wad bitches wouldn't have it. I don't see why not... I have no problem whatsoever with this photo. If you do, you're gay. In fact I think if you look like this you should be allowed to breastfeed wherever the hell you want whenever you want especially if I'm around.

I have no idea why a woman would take a picture like this on George Lopez and show the whole world, but god bless her and her beautiful babies... and the kids too.

Drink up bitches!

Barbarino's Dogs Murdered!

HAHA, does it make me a dick if I laughed when I read this...

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20386048,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

In a nutshell; two of John Travolta's dogs were killed while being walked to some grass to relieve themselves at the Bangor Maine airport when they were hit by an airport truck.

I couldn't help laughing for some reason. All I could picture was some schmuck walking these two dogs when some dimwit driving an airport truck, probably listening to his i-Pod screaming out the words to Stayin' Alive ran them over. I picture this kid just standing there holding two empty leashes saying to himself, "what the f*** just happened?" as the truck sped off leaving two little bloody fur smudges on the tarmac.

Come on... that's comedy. If it happened in a Monty Python movie you'd laugh.

I love how it prefaces the story by stating that less then a year ago Travolta's son died tragically, like the two are somehow on the same level. People are dumb

Regardless, my guess is that in a few days there will be a want ad for "Dog Walker" in the Bangor Maine Gazette.

Headlines: First to be Fired

Today's headlines beg the question; Who's gonna get canned the fastest.

First up is Rima Fakih, the recent (and by recent, I mean she hasn't held the title for 36 hours yet) Miss USA winner. Rima's pretty mug has turned up in photos of her trying to win a stripper contest (HELLS YEAH!).

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/arab-reaction-miss-usa-winner-rima-fakih/story?id=10668061

It seems almost a given anymore, in this day of pocket and cell phone cameras, that most any woman who is exciting, vivacious, and hot will be caught doing something nasty or dirty on film (god bless America).

This reporter, however, does not have a problem with this. In fact, I applaud Miss Fakih for totally going against her "under my thumb and under a sheet" restrictive heritage to go all out and actually win the Stripper 101 contest. She's awesome.

However, I somehow doubt that middle America nor the Miss USA pageant folks (the Trumpster included) will appreciate the courage it must take for an Arab to gyrate her hips and massage her crotch on a shinny pole so successfully as to actually win a stripper contest. Their lack of lustful vision will surely lead to Miss USA's untimely demise.

On the bright side... a Playboy spread is almost assured.

Time to Cannage - 16 days (and lots more photos)

Second in today's contest is Shia LeBeouf. For the second time in a week LeBeouf has criticized a world renowned director, this time going after one of the top three (if not the top) most powerful men in Hollywood; Steven Spielberg.

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/usmovies.accesshollywood.com/shia-lebeouf-dropped-ball-indiana-jones-sequel

To his credit LeBeouf also criticized his ability to bring the character of Mutt in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull to life, saying, "you get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on Steven but the actors job is to make it come alive and make it work and I couldn't do that."

I don't know what monkey-swinging is, but I do know who Steven is and I know I wouldn't be caught monkey-swinging my dick in his general direction if I was an up and coming actor.

LeBeouf continued to say Harrison Ford wasn't happy either (way to sell him out too, jackass) and that he'll "probably get a call", but that Steven needs to know.

Going to Steven and saying "hey man, I don't think this is going to work... I don't think it's what the people want. It's too far fetched and just doesn't fit well with the character of Indiana Jones," is one thing. Going to the Cannes Film Festival and telling everyone the same thing is another. One gets you a "shut the f*** up and just act, boy" speech, the other gets you shut the f*** out of acting in Hollywood all together.

Criticizing Steven Speilberg is like calling Chuck Liddell queer... it ain't gonna end well.

All this was on top of giving Transformers 2 director, Michael Bay, crap for his work on the Transformers sequel. He claims he wasn't happy with what they did on the film.

Really? Cause what it sounds like is your dumb ass doesn't like acting in big budget, big grossing movies (#10 and #26 in earnings of ALL TIME domestically) and if you don't keep your big mouth shut... two of the biggest directors in Hollywood will shut it for you. A call is gonna be the least of your worries, big boy.

Now LeBeouf is a popular actor and has been in many successful films but you just don't go around pissing off some of the most powerful men in Hollywood with out some type of repercussion. Expect a slow down in young LeBeouf's career

Time to Cannage - 3 days (followed by about a year of hard times - think Vince of Entourage fame after Medellin came out)

Third is Delonte West. It was reported that the Cleveland Cavilers failures in game 4 of the 2nd round playoff series between them and the Boston Celtics and Lebron James piss poor play in said game was due to the fact that Lebron found out that teammate Delonte West was sleeping with his Moms.

OH NO HE DIDN'T! OH SNAP!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/18/lebron-james-mom-delonte_n_579877.html

The story was first reported by TerezOwens.com who found out through a source who's uncle works at the Q (the Caviliers Arena) that Delonte West was "bangin" Lebron's mom, Gloria James.

I don't know what I like more... the fact that someone reported 3rd hand news, "yo, my pops brother, who works at the Q, was like, yo, Bron's mom been bangin Delonte West, for like, motherf***ing ever, dog." Or that he actually used the word "bangin" in the article. Regardless, it's an awesome story that, if true, will launch TerezOwens.com to TMZ status. Or, if not true is gonna make Lebron a few million richer via lawsuit.

Either way it goes down as the greatest excuse EVER for losing a basketball game, "Delonte's bangin of Lebron's mom totally ruined our chemistry and divided us as a team. Some of us were like, 'damn, that's Bron's mom 'and others were like 'yeah, but ass is ass'."

Regardless, if true, I think it is safe to say that Lebron and Delonte will not be teammates next season. Delonte may not be alive next season.

Time to Cannage: any minute now.

Sean Penn Needs Mystic River'd

"

Don't get me wrong... the guy has been in some good movies, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Falcon and the Snowman, Dead Man Walking, Mystic River, Milk, etc... but, jeeeeesh, Sean Penn is a damn menace to society.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20100512/ts_alt_afp/entertainmentusfilmpeoplepenn_20100512225748

See, here's the problem in Hollywood. Where else in the world could a guy walk up to someone, kick 'em, and get charged with vandalism. It seems to me Tinsel Town is going a little out of it's way to protect it's precious commodities.

The way this plays out is, Penn, who has a history of hitting photographers (google Penn hits photographer 1987), went out of his way to kick and threaten to kill a photographer who was photographing the paparazzi (he claims he was doing a documentary on paparazzi). The entire attack was, of course, caught on film.

First of all; I get it. You're famous and your sick as shit in a cup with two girls of having your picture taken all the frickin time. But that's the trade off. You get to be Sean Penn, but you gotta put up with the "hey, it's Sean Penn" crap. I've said it before (http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2010/02/world-stopped-for-13-minutes.html), and I'll say it again; you're privacy don't mean squat when you start making millions of dollars on your image.

And, Sean, you're not helping yourself a bit. Every paparazzo out there knows that if they push your buttons just a bit, then they may get the shot of a lifetime, as you fly off the handle and kick some guy in the man bag. While I am one of the biggest proponents of "kicking the shit out of someone," (I mean, let's face it, I think 50% of the worlds problems could be solved with a good ass kickin) you just can't go around kicking guys because they want a picture of your dumb ass.

Another thing... Hollywood, shame on you. I understand that actors and actresses need protected to a point but you can't just slap a guys wrist for acting like a maniac for the second time. I mean, seriously, 50 hours of anger management class is a joke... and giving Sean Penn 300 hours of community service is like throwing the rabbit back in the brier patch. The guy takes vacations to New Orleans after Katrina and Haiti after the earthquake just for fun. Just cause he's Sean Penn... what's worse, they don't want him there... he's a pain in the ass. And you're making him do it. Who's being punished here.

And, what's this vandalism plea... he didn't walk up and spray paint "F*** THE PAPARAZZI" on the guys van... he kicked him. Where on the law books does it say anything about kicking a guy under the vandalism section. Show me that!

So, let's turn the tables on this. Let's say I walked up and kicked a guy and that 20 years ago I was sentenced to jail for a similar thing... what would I get. I can tell you this much... vandalism wouldn't even have been mentioned. WTF.

No, I'd get some guy named Boggs as a bunk mate and would get the privledge of spending the next year and a half trying to prevent "the sisters" from putting things in my mouth. I'd get to enroll in "shank" school and would be asking the guy who can get things to sign me up for a Rita Hayworth Poster Club membership. I'd spend my nights dreaming about Zihuatanejo and what really happened to Brooksy.

But, not Sean Penn. He gets to go on vacation.

However, I digress. My issue with this story really has nothing to do with the above.. let's face it; celebrities live by a different set of rules. It's a fact. So, no, nothing above really gets my goat as much as the following:

While perusing the internets (W's word, not mine... but I like it) for noteworthy articles to be slaphanded I saw the picture (above) of a deranged looking Sean Penn kicking the crap out of some guy and it wasn't that action or the story of what was happening that pulled me in so much as what was in the background of the picture.

What I noticed was some tool riding a bike by this scene like nothing was happening.

Does this kinda shit happen so often in La La Land that some (probably) unemployed hippy freak with a hemp bag on a bike didn't even take the time to stop and notice Sean Penn kicking some paparazzi guys ass. Hollywood is full of freaks, Sean Penn should fit right in. Embrace it bitch!

p.s. You'll always be Spicoli to me!

Hey Seth, David Faustino Called and He Wants His Career Back

I recently read that Seth Green got married.

http://www.tvguide.com/News/Seth-Green-Married-1018010.aspx?rss=breakingnews

And, I thought to myself... "The Married With Children guy is married... wonder if children are on the way, haha"

Then it dawned on me... Seth Green was never on Married With Children, that was David Faustino.

HOLY SHIT, Seth Green stole David Faustino's career! Not that it is any big deal, I mean, I think it's safe to say that as far as Hollywood goes neither Faustino nor Green have set the world on fire, but if I was Faustino, I'd be pissed.

Faustino hit it big with Married With Children that ran from 1987 - 1997, over 200 episodes. He played the hopeless loser son of Al and Peggy Bundy. A failure in every one's eyes but his own.

Green stole that role and ran with it; Austin Powers (x3 - loser son of Dr. Evil), Can't Hardly Wait (loser kid trying to get laid), Enemy of the State (loser computer geek), Knockaround Guys (loser friend of mafia guys), Scooby-Doo 2 (not sure who he played, but it's Scooby-Effin-Doo he's a loser), Old Dogs (don't know on this either, but in the trailer he's being fondled by a gorilla, nuff said). And, countless others. Try, no really, try as hard as you can to think of movie where Seth Green isn't a loser.

Since 1997 Faustino has been in... absolutely nothing worth mentioning.

Green took Faustino's character and capitalized on it. Take Bud Bundy and insert him into any character ever played by Seth Green. It's the same f***ing character. There is absolutely no difference.

While Faustino has fallen into near total obscurity Green is getting mentioned on the websites of E Online, TV Guide, and the Los Angeles Times for just getting married.

Did you know that Faustino got married in 2004, divorced in 2006, sued his ex to not have to pay spousal support, and in 2007, following an argument with his ex, was arrested for marijuana possession and intoxication and later the charges were dropped because he went to rehab? No. That's because Seth Green stole his motherf***ing career!

I think it should also be noted: Both are short, both have shitty mussed up hair, both Faustino and Green do cartoon voice overs... Faustino does characters on Batman, Scooby-Doo, and Robot Chicken... but it is Green that everyone knows as the voice from the Family Guy. Oh, and both appeared on Entourage playing themselves... I remember Greens role because he had beef with E... but, sadly, I don't remember Faustino's role and I've seen every episode.

That is the epitome of this story.