Trashy Whore Winks At... No Wait, She's Just Drunk Again

I recently saw this picture of Lindsey Lohan and was immediately overloaded with story headlines that could possibly accompany it. So without further ado...

1. Lohan Celebrates 40th Birthday

2. Lohan Alcohol Detection Anklet Broken... Obviously

3. Whore!

4. Lindsey "Lazy Eye" Lohan at MTV Movie Awards

5. Lohan: Ugly Is As Ugly Does

6. Lohan Looking To Be Rode Hard, Put Away Wet

7. Lohan Murders Mom, Shows Up At Awards Show While On House Arrest

8. Fugly

9. Lohan Virtual Punch In Face Now A Reality

10. Why Yes... I Am A Coke Whore

11. Talent... Who Needs Talent

12. If You Think This Looks F***ed Up You Should See My Snatch

13. ...This Is Your Face On Drugs

14. Collagen Lips - $300
Clorox Bleach Job - $3
Pint of Vodka - $12
Gram of Coke - $100
Going to Awards Show All F***ed Up and Looking Like Shit - Priceless

15. SlapHand Wishes Answered; Lohan Dead

In Local News: Busted Beating the Worm

I wonder what it is like getting busted rubbin' one out and then having your name posted in the newspaper for everyone to see so that they know you just got arrested for milkin' your pig.

Well, if I ever run into (takin) Casey (to bat) Aaron Kolb I'll ask him what it's like getting caught for making like Han Solo and petting his Wookie.

http://www.edmondsun.com/local/x657339638/Edmond-man-faces-indecent-exposure-complaint

I totally get it... when nature calls, and by nature I mean that hot-n-sexy Mother Nature, a dude's just gotta tug the stud. In Kolb's case it happened to strike him right in front of a Century 21 building in the middle of Edmond, Oklahoma, America. The dude needed to make WacDonalds special sauce and while not the best location to have the urge to warm up dinner for the alter boys, when you got to... you got to. It's a law.

So, I get it.

What I don't get is "the victim," whose name is never mentioned in the article, watching all this go down to the point of following Kolb around town while relaying his exploits to police. For Christ sake the guy just wanted Popeye to meet Five Finger Betty... can't a guy take little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction in peace. What kind of sick bitch wants to chase a guy down so that she can report that he was battlin' the purple headed yogurt slinger. Like she's never buttered up the whisker biscuit while sitting in front of a business in the middle of town. What an uppity old hag.

In Kolb's defense, after being busted by the local dicks (no pun intended) for making Staff Sargent Johnson PT till he pukes he claimed he had a tick on his privates and was attempting to remove in by slowly stroking his shaft in an up and down motion and caressing his testicles for 3-5 minutes in hopes of urging the tick to let go of said privates.

Makes sense to me.

I guess you could say he was committing hand to gland combat on a pesky parasite.

Only time will tell if Kolb will face charges or not. In the meantime I hope this doesn't deter any young boys from calling out the relief pitcher in front of Century 21, because it's perfectly natural. Just ask that slut, Mother Nature.

p.s. Yes, I posted Kolb's picture to show that he is a bald headed beauty just like his member (and to further humiliate him) and yes I only wrote this article to see how many euphemisms for jerking off I could use in one story.

Top 5 Most Annoying Things About the World Cup

A Top Five for the times. It's World Cup, baby, and these things are pissing me off.

1. Those F***ING Vuvuzelas. - I did a whole post on this so check it out. http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2010/06/with-world-cup-in-full-swing-one-thing.html. Seriously get rid of those things.

2. All the Faking - I haven't seen acting this bad since the last Megan Fox movie. I haven't seen this much faking since my last anniversary night (it's ok baby, I appreciate the effort and thank you for not pointing out my 'short' comings). I love watching these penalty's when the player is rolling around on the ground grabbing their shin like someone took a hammer to it and three or four of his teammates are standing around the referee pointing at their fallen comrade pleading their case for a yellow card yet no one even checks on the guy on the ground to see if he's OK, they just let him flail around like beached whale (because they know he's faking too) and when the referee finally pulls the yellow card out the injured player hops up and is ready to play like nothing happened... one minute the guy is needing an amputation, the next he's taking the penalty kick. What gives. And, usually the replay shows there was no contact whatsoever in the play. Lindsey Lohan has better acting chops.

3. The Yellow Card Presentation - What's with the ref running up to a guy and whipping out his yellow card like the guy just got busted fondling a 6 year old boy. I mean can we just note the penalty, tell the guy he got a yellow, and move on. Do we really need all the theatrics? I love that we have to watch the guy pull out his notepad and write it down too while the commentators discuss his actions. Don't they got a guy on the sideline that can write this stuff down. I mean seriously, is the World Cup so short staffed that if the guy on the field doesn't get it in his memo pad that the penalty will be forgotten. Oh, and God forbid someone gets a Red Card... holy crap.

4. Lack of WAG Coverage - Sure, just about every magazine, website, and TV station has done something on the WAG's (Wives and Girlfriends). But we need more... some of these chicks are frickin HOT. You can never have to much WAG coverage... that's like having too much money or getting to much sex... it's just not possible. We need more gratuitous WAG shots. I think each time a player on the field makes a good play they should have to show the nude pics of his WAG from Page Six or Playboy with the accompanying replay. That should be a rule.

5. The Gawd Damn Vuvuzelas - Yeah, I know I already mentioned this... it's that f***ing annoying. I don't give a shit if is a part of South African culture... I don't care if it started hundreds of years ago with tribes blowing through animal horns to call gatherings... I don't care if you think it's neat... it's the most annoying thing about these games. What if every sporting event you went to in the U.S. 80% of the crowd blew kazoos through the whole game. Parking lot before the game... kazoos. Entering the stadium... kazoos. Opening ceremony/flag presentation... kazoos. kick off/ jump ball/ first pitch... kazoos. the whole first half... kazoos. Halftime show... kazoos. The second half... kazoos. The cheerleaders dance number in the middle of the second half... kazoos. Leaving the arena... kazoos. Interview on the radio with the star player after the game... kazoos. Every game... kazoos. Every f***ing game. Get the point? By the end you'd be ready to kill someone. Tell me I'm wrong. Wouldn't you rather hear the chanting and singing that usually accompanies World Cup soccer. I would, so, take your vuvuzela and shove it where the sun don't shine.

BTW, GO USA!

Things That Have Surprised Me About the Gulf Oil Leak

In light of our current oil entrenched epidemic along the gulf coast I have listed a few things that have really surprised me about the situation.

1. No plan. - So, you mean to tell me oil companies are able to build these giant floating oil drilling platforms and no one ever thought of what might happen if one of them started leaking oil into the ocean. No one... really? Apparently there is a valve at the well head that is supposed to be able to be shut off should a catastrophe happen to the platform and again no one thought "what if this valve doesn't work and we start spewing thousands of gallons of oil into the gulf?" I mean their best solution was pumping mud and golf balls into the pipeline... golf balls?? Are you f***ing serious? Someone needs a beatin.

2. No one got a beaten. - Our illustrious President said last week that "he wanted to know whose ass to kick" for this disaster. After being shut in a room with everyone whose ass needed kicked on Wednesday of this week it was noted that no one came out with a sore ass, bloody nose, a bruise, or even looking like they were sternly spoken too. Look, I'm all for a good ass kicking, as my three loyal readers know, but we all know you ain't gonna kick anyones ass. So quit this tough guy act and instead try to actually do something. We don't need a thug, we need a leader. Don't just talk about holding people accountable, actually DO IT! And, quit threatening to kick peoples ass, it just makes you look bad. It reminded me of when Bush got up and talked about the "Axis of Evil;" I knew right then and there that there was no way that was ending well. Bush was kind of an idiot... what's your excuse.

3. Where's Hollywood? - I mean those clowns raised $58 million for the Haitian earthquake victims, how bout a little love for the gulf coast. Oh sure, Larry King is going to have a little fundraiser for gulf coast victims, but I'll bet Larry pays out more to his ex-wives in alimony than his little telethon is going to raise. Where's the real heavy hitters; George Clooney, Madonna, Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts... where's the love... what, the gulf not good enough for you? Are those affected not poverty stricken enough for you. Is it to local for you? Where's the 4 hour telethon on every station, ABC, NBC, CBS, MTV, VH1, CNN, et al with all you schmucks taking calls from Joe Average citizen? Where's the benefit concert? Hell, where's the celebrity softball tourney? $1.2 billion... that's what Americans donated in total to Haiti... a whole other country. I'll bet they would be willing to give a little to help with this situation in the gulf... they are just waiting to be able to call Jessica Alba to donate. Hollywood this is a problem right here in your own back yard and you ain't doing shit... I guess it's just f*** you America. At least Kevin Costner is doing something.

4. Kevin Costner will clean this shit up. - Kevin Costner and his scientist brother own a company called Ocean Therapy Solutions that manufactures machines that separate oil from water. It took him awhile but he finally got BP to buy 32 of them to help with their cleanup process. A multi-billion dollar company like BP that owns several drilling platforms that sit in the ocean and pump oil has never invested in a better way to separate water from oil until Dances With Wolves showed them how. Really? I guess it was all that time he spent in the water and on that oil tanker on the Waterworld set that has made him the reigning expert on oil/water separation.

When all is said and done I hope BP comes through with their promise to clean up this mess... only time will tell. But this has got the lookings of a total oil soaked cluster f*** if you ask me.

Dutch Bavaria Beer 1 - FIFA 0

Give it up to the Dutch Bavarian Beer firm who dressed up 36 blonde and curvy Dutch women in short orange mini dresses and sent them to the Holland vs. Denmark World Cup match for their excellent marketing savvy... even though they say they had nothing to do with it.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1287025/World-Cup-2010-ITV-axes-Robbie-Earle-2-orange-mini-dress-women-arrested.html

FIFA didn't appreciate it to much and consequently arrested the masterminds behind the ploy, Mirte Nieuwpoort and Barbara Castelein, who appeared in court this week for what is basically "unlawful" marketing. The two were released on bail ($1300 each) and are apparently now staying at fancy accommodations provided by the, previously mentioned yet still not involved, Dutch Bavaria Beer firm.

How the tickets were actually acquired will more than likely be focal point of FIFA's investigation and not the two Dutch beauties that dressed up their friends and were simply rooting on their team while jumping around in skin tight mini dresses (hummmmm).

Think about it... Budweiser paid millions and millions of dollars to be the official beer of the 2010 World Cup games. The Dutch paid about $150 a ticket, plus $2600 bail, unknown court cost, the cost of 36 mini dresses (which was probably $40 each), airline tickets, hotel... so about $100,000 total so far and have gotten more advertising and more out of it then Budweiser could have ever dreamed of. I don't think you can mention the 2010 world cup without mention of 36 orange wrapped women bouncing up and down at the Holland match.

If FIFA were smart they would have never even mentioned it, never addressed it and just let it go and no one would be craving a Dutch beer or more blondes girating to the sounds of thousands of annoying vuvuzelas in orange mini dresses right now. But, as it stands I wouldn't mind trying one of their tall, succulent, bountiful concoctions or one of their beers right now... and I don't even drink beer (I'm a whiskey guy). The best thing that happened to these Dutch Bavarian beer pushers was having their bevy of beauties tossed after the end of the first half by the FIFA. Only thing better... having the orange clad army of Dutch Bavarian hotties toss me (a-rum-pum-pum). They're world famous now.

So, bravo to those savvy Dutch beer makers. I think it's safe to say that they will come out of this none the worse for wear and those orange mini dressed ladies will more than likely show up in other advertising soon. I can't wait to buy a poster. God bless the Dutch.

Blow It Out Your Ass

With the World Cup in full swing one thing has stood out in every game. It's not the exciting play on the field, or the chants of the colorful crowd... it's those gawd damn Vuvuzelas. What the f*** is up with that.

Seriously I want to take a vuvuzela and shove it up every vuvuzela blower’s ass.

In case you are unaware or what a vuvuzela is, change the channel over to ANY world cup game and listen... that dull drone that sounds like a swarm of bees in the background that never stops; that is a vuvuzela.

First of all it's a South Africa thing... a trumpet shaped horn that when blown plays one continuous note from start to finish. They only cost a couple bucks so almost every attendee of every football game has one and they blow it whenever a great play is made, or when there is a bad call made, or when the ball is being passed from one player to another, or when there is a substitution, or when the ball gets kicked, or thrown in, or caught by the goalie or when there is a penalty kick, or when the guy in section 126 gets up to get a coke, or when there is absolutely freakin nothing going on on the field, or when the crazy girl with her boobs painted up like soccer balls flashes the crowd (actually, I blew my horn when that happened too, rum pum pum) or any time the vuvuzela owner wants to blow their horn, they blow their horn... which is basically from the time they enter the arena to the time they leave... they never stop... not ever... not for anything. They are the Terminators of the World Cup.

Those f***ing horns are killing these games. They are the most annoying, distracting, and dumbest thing you’ll ever hear at a sporting event.

I swear I've even been hearing them in my sleep.

And, I'm not the only one. Apparently the players are sick of them too. More than one superstar has come out and said that the vuvuzelas are a distraction and make it very hard to communicate on the field. Cristiano Ronaldo, Captain of the Portugal National Team and subject of many women's dirtiest fantasies said, “they are so loud when your on the field and such a huge distraction… they almost take away from how gawd damn good looking I am.” Ok, I just made that up… but my wife did say that she would sleep with Cristiano Ronaldo if people would stop blowing those damned horns. And, that’s saying something for her to be willing to cheat on ME with Cristiano Ronaldo. Ok, it’s really not, she’d probably ask me to hold her legs up so Cristiano wouldn’t have to strain himself screwing her, but still… those horns suck.

Instead of the cleaver chants that most European and South American players are used to while they play the beautiful game they now are getting a monotonous droning. Instead of the incessant "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL," that usually accompanies the rare point they are getting "HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" forever... and ever, and ever; good, bad or indifferent, "HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM."

And, I'm sick as f*** of it.

Hopefully someone over at FIFA will do something about it. Soon. I mean it speaks volumes that they guys selling ear plugs to block out the constant hum of the vuvuzelas are making a mint.

We know it's a South Africa thing... but this is a World thing and the World is tuning out.

http://g.sports.yahoo.com/soccer/world-cup/news/buzzkill-vuvuzelas-ruining-world-cup-experience--fbintl_ro-vuvuzela061410.html

SlapHand Presents Its BP Oil Leak Solution

Round Table: Women Scorned

(SH=Slaphand) Hello and welcome to our Women Scorned Round Table… with me are five guest, all women scorned, to discuss not only who scorned them and why but to offer their advice to women everywhere looking for that perfect man.

Our first guest is America’s sweetheart, actress, Oscar winner, and recently separated superstar… Sandra Bullock

(Bullock) Thank You.

(SH) Next to Sandra is the “almost” First Lady of the United States and also recently separated Tipper Gore

(Gore) Thanks for having me

(SH) Joining us, as well, is the recently incarcerated, forcibly separated, murdering, psychopath Debra Janelle Jeter

(Jeter) What? Can I get another Ambien shake?

(SH) Umm, To her left is BP CEO Tony Hayward

(Hayward) I’m not sure why I’m here; I thought this was a round table to discuss the situation in the Gulf. I would also like to point out that I am not a woman.

(SH) Are you recently scorned?

(Hayward) Well, yes, I guess.

(SH) If the Gulf Coast were a woman would she want to divorce your dumb ass?

(Hayward) I don’t think that’s a fair question…

(SH) We’ll take that as a yes… are you British?

(Hayward) Yes.

(SH) Close enough… last on our panel today is the recently separated, we think, and verrry well endowed Heidi Montag welcome…

Heidi, let’s start with you, when will you be showing us those magnificent new breast?

(Montag) haha, I don’t know… I guess when I find something I really, really want and don’t have enough money for it or if my name hasn’t appeared on the celeb websites for more than 7 days I’ll start shopping pictures of my enormous, disproportionally sized cans to some of the more popular skin mags. Of course, Hef’s got first dibs ‘cause Playboy is classy, just like me.

(SH) We’re really hoping that happens soon. Speaking of soon it sounds like your 15 minutes of fame and your marriage to Spencer are just about up; what happen?

(Montag) I just need some time with myself… I mean, if you had mammories like mine wouldn’t you just want to sit at home and play with them for like hours all by yourself. Wouldn’t you want to rub them, and pinch them, and oil them up, and caress them, and motorboat them, and just stare at them in a mirror.

(SH) Yeeeees… yes I would… wait, you can motorboat your own boobs.

(Montag) yeah, wanna see…

(Bullock) I really don’t think this is the time or place for…

(SH) SHUT THE F*** UP SANDRA! Yes Heidi I would like to see you motorboat your boobs please… please.

(Montag) HAHA, I’ll save that for another time when I really want something else.

(SH) Gawd-damn-it Sandra, this is my interview not yours.

(Bullock) sorry.

(SH) Well, how ‘bout any of the rest of you ladies, are any of you going to be whoring any pics of yourselves around like Heidi will soon, we’ll with the exception of you Mr. Hayward

(Hayward) Well, I should think not.

(SH) We heard you were already whoring yourself out in some apology ads to the American public explaining how sorry you are but really you’re just trying to save your stock price a bit along with your own ass. Aren’t you?

(Hayward) Sir, I will not answer that question and I demand to know why am I here!

(SH) In case any of these ladies get really upset they can punch you in your damn British face.

(Hayward) Ah yes, sorry… carry on ‘ol chap.

(Bullock) No, I'm not shopping any, but I think it’s safe to say some of the skank my ex slept with are, if you’re looking, haha, snort, haha

(SH) That’s really the worst laugh ever… but Sandra, how have you been since the story of Jessie’s infidelities surfaced… we hear you are going to step back into the public eye on MTV this weekend, any truth to that?

(Bullock) Yes, I will be on MTV’s Movie Awards show this weekend ripping my es-husbands already shattered image to further shreds for sleeping with a bunch of tatted up bitches that most men would step on to spend 5 minutes with me… but I’m not bitter or anything. Haha, snort.

(SH) When news broke of the affair this website reported that it was do to the fact that you’re probably a cold fish in bed.

(Bullock) I have to admit, that’s true… I just lie there like one of those cadaver actors on CSI Miami, occasionally I snort-laugh, to which Jesse would scream at me to “F*** PIG,” But seriously, what would you rather have some crazy lady that dresses you up like nazi and who can put her legs behind her head and make her fake boobs shake in opposite directions while you’re pounding her and screaming “HEIL HITLER” and do all kinda freaky things like a Cirque du Soleil performer on crack then afterwards, if you wanted, you could compare tattoos that you have on your privates with her… or you could have me.

(SH) hhhummm… we’ll get back to you… Tipper unlike Sandy you’re husband didn’t have filthy sex with countless women but yet, your marriage has ended… what went wrong?

(Gore) That’s not true, there were actually two stains on Monica Lewinsky’s dress.

(SH) Seriously?

(Gore) Ha, No, I just made that up… I just wanted to try to shock you as much as Sandra must have been after finding out her husband was riding a wanna-be porn star like a stolen Harley. However, we are separating for similar reasons to that of hers

(SH) So, he did cheat on you?

(Gore) No, Al, too, was a cold fish in bed. Haha. I mean look at him he’s such a stiff he makes lumber jealous. I’ve got socks that are more exciting than him. I’ve had bowel movements that got me closer to orgasm than he has. Sex with him was about as promising as Mr. Hayward's career for Chris sake. And, boring, oh my gawd, instead of a glass of milk and book to go to sleep at night I’d just ask him to talk to me about the environment… that was it, out in like 30 seconds.

(Bullock) Uh, I’m not a cold fish.

(Gore) Honey, come on… I’ve known a couple of nuns whose sex life is more exciting than yours. Haha, I mean if you were walking around at Fisherman's wharf some Chinese guy would try to sell you.

(Bullock) HAHA, snort HA… hey wait…

(SH) But, don’t you claim that your love life inspired the film “Love Story.”

(Gore) That’s Al’s claim… if there was movie that our love life was based on it would have to be The English Patient

(SH) That’s kinda a romantic movie.

(Gore) Not if you consider that it seemed to last for 40 years and that I slept through most of it.

(SH) ah.

(Jeter) I just killed my children.

(SH) oooooo kay.

(Jeter) yeah, my husband and I were going through a divorce and to show him that I wasn’t gonna take any more of his crap I just killed em. Slashed their throats.

(Jeter’s Attorney) Actually your oldest daughter lived.

(SH) Yeah, that makes it better lawyer boy… don’t you think that is a pretty extreme response to the end of a marriage Mrs. Jeter?

(Jeter) I suppose… but I was in a car accident a few months ago and I don’t even remember killin ‘em. I don’t know if my therapist told you but I’m sorta crazy.

(SH) No shit… before slashing your kid’s throats what actually caused your divorce proceedings.

(Jeter) Well, I found out my husband was cheating on me.

(SH) Really?

(Jeter) Yeah, he was sleeping with this crazy girl with tattoos all over her body. She’s a fetish model, Kaboom, or Seashell, something like that, Magoo, I guess she’s famous in biker circles.

(Bullock) Uh, I think you are talking about my ex-husband and Bombshell Magee.

(Jeter) Oh yeah, sorry… I get confused… He actually caused a natural disaster that will render thousands if not millions in financial shambles and single handily created the greatest natural disaster ever all along the Gulf Coast.

(Haywood) Madam, I believe you are referring to me… we, uh, we were never married. Sorry dear.

(Jeter) Haha, sorry British guy, what I meant to say was my husband was running for president and I…

(Gore) Nope wrong again… that’s my ex.

(Jeter) oh… ok, well, let’s just say my ex was a douche bag.

(Montag) Ha… That’s my husband… Spencer!

(Jeter’s Attorney) No, she’s actually talking about her husband now.

(Montag) Sorry, I just assumed she was talking about my husband.

(SH) It’s an easy mistake. And, sorry Heidi we didn’t talk to you for like almost 5 minutes… any chance on seeing those boobs yet.

(Montag) Spencer’s not here.

(SH) We meant your tits.

(Montag) Oh… hehe, sorry. Not yet silly.

(SH) It was worth a try… Well, you have all been scorned and scorned in the public eye no less, so with that in mind, what advice would you offer to young couples in a relationship. Sandra…

(Bullock) You can’t change em. Look, if you think you are going to change a guy with tattoos all over his arms, who builds motorcycles and hangs out with biker thugs who had been divorced twice already and one of his ex’s was a porn star and he has a fetish for slutty bitches and possibly monkeys and given the fact that your about as exciting in bed as an economics seminar… well you can’t change ‘em, trust me.

(SH) Mrs. Gore…

(Gore) Marry someone that makes your heart beat.

(Bullock and Montag) ooohhhhh

(Gore) Or, at least someone that has a heartbeat… a rum-pum-pum.

(SH) Hayward

(Hayward) Sir, I am happily married.

(SH) Really?

(Hayward) Yes

(SH) Really?

(Hayward) ohh, buggers, No! No I'm not… I hate that pasty white skinned British hunt (but he didn’t say hunt)

(SH) So… your advice

(Hayward) Sir, I have made millions of dollars exploiting the earths natural resources with little actual thought of the consequences should a disaster strike like it did in the Gulf. So, I guess my advice is to f*** it, and deal with it after it’s screwed up.

(SH) Well played Hayward... Jeter?

(Jeter) Make sure you have a good alibi and don’t call the cops on yourself.

(SH) That’s really your advice.

(Jeter) uh, don’t marry a douche.

(Montag) She took mine!

(SH) Well that wraps up our Women Scorned Round Table, my thanks to all our guest for joining us today… Heidi, one more chance to show us those magnificent beauties…

(Montag) …maybe for a 2011 Bentley convertible.

(SH) and we’re out! Thanks again everyone. Will someone please punch Hayward in the face please…

Related Articles:
Bullock - http://www.showbizspy.com/article/205719/sandra-bullock-to-address-marriage-split-at-mtv-awards.html
Gore - http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100603/ap_on_re_us/us_gore_separation_7
Jeter - http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20006621-504083.html
Hayward - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/03/bp-ceo-tony-hayward-new-o_n_599252.html
Heidi - http://mog.com/blog_post/content/1498/2031702