Who's Dat; With Slaphand

So, I sent my wife a picture of this lady and asked her to guess who this person was... she guessed Susan Boyle.

It's Sinead O'Connor.

Nuff said.

Are You Shi##ing Me?

In what has to be the biggest acquittal since O.J. got away with hacking his ex-wife to pieces Casey Anthony has been found "not guilty" of murdering her 2-year old daughter, Caylee Anthony.

Seen in the above picture "frantically searching" for her daughter (apparently her friend is searching for her too... "nope, not in her bra," he says) in the month that she claimed her daughter was "missing," and originally spent looking for her, Anthony later changed her story and told the jury that her daughter had accidentally drowned in her parents pool, and with the help of her father, made the accident look like a murder by placing duct tape over the child's mouth and disposing of the body in the woods behind their house. A claim her father denies. Furthermore they claim that Casey was hiding the emotional distress of the event because of sexual abuse by her father. Another claim her father denies.

By hiding emotional distress do they mean partying till all hours of the night, getting tattoos, and whoring around town... apparently so. Because the prosecution showed a plethora of pictures showing Casey looking like a partied up whore who'd f***ed every sad piece of sh!t in town. Like a pony, rode hard, put away wet. Not like the mother of a missing or dead child.

The prosecution all but showed pictures of Casey holding a chloroformed rag over her daughters mouth and evidence of lies and a cover up, but in the end it was ol' "dad looked at me naked" defense that won out. Even the defense noted that just because his client had "told elaborate lies and invented imaginary friends and even a fake father for Caylee," doesn't mean she killed her daughter.

I would contend that it doesn't mean she didn't either, but who am I... just a sane, realistic thinking person who can read through the bullsh!t this crazy a$$ bi#th was dishing out... just a nobody. I mean, maybe it's me but why would anyone, especially a retired cop, decide that it's better to make it look like a child was murdered when they ACCIDENTALLY drowned in the back yard pool. Stress or no stress I just don't effing get how that is better. I mean, as sad as is sounds, kids fall in pools all the time. It's a real bummer of a time (not to make light of it), but I don't recall anyone going to jail over it. So, why go through the effort of covering it up by lying about it.

But, again, who am I? Just some guy who would have smacked the sh!t out of any of those jurors that claimed "if the glove don't fit, we can't convict."

In the end the truth really goes untold and the only loser here is Caylee. I doubt anyone will ever be found responsible for her murder or accidental drowning or whatever. Much like O.J., Casey Anthony will probably have a pretty miserable life but it won't be as miserable as it should have been. And, quite a bit longer, unfortunately.

Put her on my list - - People Who Need A Good A$$ Whoppin'

http://news.yahoo.com/casey-anthony-acquitted-killing-young-daughter-191600480.html

Things I Learned Today: Money Matters

Being a Billionaire Makes One Much Better Looking - It was recently announced that while "broken up for, like, two weeks" from his soon to be wife, Selma Hayek, French billionaire and world class douche, Francois-Henri Pinault fathered a child with former supermodel Linda Evangelista.

Seriously? Look at this a$$-clown (in picture, standing next to Selma Hayeks boobs).

He's old, wrinkly, French, balding, and old.

If this guys not a billionaire the only wool this turd would be able to pull down would be the ones found at your local shi##y bar... you know the one... only half the lights in the sign work, they have a gravel parking lot, a door and no windows, and all the women that frequent the place smoke Marlboro Menthal Lights. Quality chicks!

Instead, because his wallet is such a gawd dam good looking son-of-a-bi#ch he's pulling down the likes of Selma Hayek and Linda Evangelista... while he's playin' bongos with her bongos he Evangelicking hers.

Lucky rich bastard.

(I don't actually know if Francois-Henri Pinault is French, I did not research that, but he looks like it... I can, however, confirm that he is a douche, because he looks like it)

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/gossip/2011/07/linda-evangelista-salma-hayek-francois-henri-pinot.html

Millionaires Fight With Billionaires - With the latest NBA labor negotiations going about as well as Frank McCourt's divorce, it looks like it's going to be awhile before my favorite sport starts up anytime soon. So, what's at the core of this disagreement.

Well, I could bore you with terms like "hard-cap," "revenue shares," and "player benefits," or I could just give you the straight-skinny and tell you this... A bunch of f***ing babies are arguing with a bunch of f***ing whiners and they all want more and they are all f***ing rich already.

In a league where the average salary is $4.3 million a year and most owners wealth is counted by the billions ask me if I give a damn who gets what? Because in the end it's the fans that lose out. The only guarantee that will come out of these negotiations is that my ticket price will not decrease.

So, I have a solution to this problem.

A union representing the fan.

Every fan could join for a small fee and our lawyers could let the league know that we're not going to take this sh!t anymore.

Instead of players going on strike or owners locking them out let's see how everyone reacts when 570,000 strong say, "f*** you, we're not buying tickets till you get your sh!t together."

Now the chances of that ever happening are like a billion to one, which are about the same odds that the NBA season will start on time. But, imagine being able to pull that off.

Hummm, union Steward, B HanDaMan at your service.

Those a$$-clowns wouldn't know what hit 'em.

The Summer of the Superhero Has Been a Bust, Thus far - With 34 of 45 superhero movies for the summer already out at the box office (ok, slight exaggeration) it's safe to say that not everyone gets saved when there's a superhero in the world.

Due to the enormous success of Batman, Spiderman, and most recently, and directly, Iron Man this summer was loaded up with the Superhero genre; Thor, X-Men, Green Lantern, Green Hornet (going back into the spring) , Transformers, etc. The problem is that those movies are not performing to the expectations of the major studios wallets. It's doubtful any of these films will be big losers but they certainly are not pulling in the profits as expected... I have a theory as to why.

Reason 1) There's too many of them. Why release 8 of the same movies. Each one basically has the same premise; guy in a pair of tights saves the world. The story lines are pretty much the exact same; movie starts out with a bang, bad guy sets out to wrong the world, good guy steps in to stop him using his (insert super power here) powers, bad guy fails, world saved, end clip shows something that lends to there being a sequel, end of movie.

I have NEVER understood why Summer dominates the big studio releases. Take a movie like The Green Lantern... about the 5th superhero movie this summer. Opened big, dropped big. Cost about $280 mil to make, won't make that domestically.

Why?

Because the market is saturated with big-time movies.

So, why not release that thing in February. There is nothing but worthless sh*t on in February. February is like the Sahara desert of the movie season, with nothing else to see except maybe a big movie that came out over Christmas that you've already seen. The Green Lantern would have been huge in February.

The 4 biggest movies each week in February (by # of screens): Sanctum, Just Go With It, I am Number 4, and Hall Pass... the Justin Bieber movie was the biggest February released money earner and it only made $12 million the first week.

What would have happened if you opened the Green Lantern during one of those weeks?

Everyone who was bored as sh!t, tired of cold weather, and just wanting to be entertained, even if it's for only two dam hours would go see it. Afterall, what the hell else you gonna see. Bieber Fever? F*** that!

Reason 2) 2 words: Social Media. With all your friends tweeting and posting how the movie they just saw was on Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs there have been record fall-offs for movies after opening weekends this summer.

Opening weekend. You're best friend calls you up and says, "dude, lets catch the new X-men this weekend." But, you can't because your cousin is having his Bar Mitzvah and your HAVE to go. So you say, "Dude, can't... gotta do this jewish thingy... probably catch it next weekend." So that night after you've yelled "malzeltof" you check facebook and your buddy that went to the movie that night has a status update that says, "saw X-men tonight with all my real friends that aren't Jewish... wait till the DVD... seriously, I'm supposed to be interested in a Superhero who is all goody-goody and really doesn't have that cool of powers... bring back Wolverine!"

So, there you go. You're not going to waste your time next weekend seeing if because one of your trusted friends, i.e. not some a$$-clown from your local paper or some big name movie reviewer (whose probably being paid to give it good marks) told you what they thought of the movie. And, the movie drops 60% from one weekend to the next because everybody in America is friends with some dork just like your Jewish friend. Malzeltof!

Reason #3) Storyline. As previously mentioned your plots are a little played out and predictable. I could even buy into the same plot over and over if it were somewhat compelling with the drama that goes along with the action. I saw Transformers this past weekend and although I liked it and would recommend it, two hours into the movie I found myself saying... "Christ, I don't know if I can take another damn robot fight."

Hollywood, I think you're gonna have to mix it up a bit to pull the big money numbers back in; either that or give the genre a rest for a bit.

But, with Captain America still to come out this summer and Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine, and The Avengers coming in the near future it looks like there will be no rest for the weary superhero.

Fight on, oh tight wearing champion of the masses, fight on!

(I successfully used the word "a$$-clown" in each article today... a success in my book)

Tidbits and One Tidbutt

Cradle Robber... Really? - 51-year old Doug Hutchinson, you know him from "The Green Mile" and "Lost," married his 16-year old sweetheart, Courtney Alexis Stodden, on May 20.

The crime here isn't that a 51-year old dirty man married a 16-year old girl, NO, it's that he's trying to pass this chick off as being 16 year's old.

Seriously, look at her (pictured above), there is NO F***ING WAY she is 16. She was 16... 14 year ago.

Apparently her mom had to sign off on the wedding since she is considered a minor... did they have to sign off on the breast implants too? How about those black roots? The crows feet? The old lady trying to be young makeup?

http://www.ecanadanow.com/entertainment/2011/06/21/doug-hutchinson-and-courtney-alexis-stodden-marry/

Dunn Dead - Ryan Dunn of Jackass fame was killed this week in a fiery, 140 mile per hour car crash that, let's face it, any fan of Jackass would have loved to have seen in real life. The guy was famous for being a Jackass and, well, there you go. One interesting side note of this story, it has been wildly entertaining reading in all the major news outlets that Dunn was famous for "placing a toy car in a condom and placing it in his anus" as a prank on Jackass.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/SHOWBIZ/celebrity.news.gossip/06/20/jackass.star.dead/index.html?iref=obinsite

Are You F***ing Serious - Lindsay Lohan has done it AGAIN.

While under house arrest Lohan had a "roof party" and then promptly failed a court-ordered alcohol test this past week.

At a "conference" with an L.A. judge it was ruled Thursday that Lohan's failed alcohol test won't be held against her because of an apparent technical error by a previous judge. The judge told Lohan she was guilty of "extremely poor judgement by having roof parties while on home confinement, but poor judgment is not a violation of your probation."

GAWD DAM IT, WTF. What's she got to do, kill a baby and eat it. For Christ sake won't somebody sack up and put this chick behind bars for real. JESUS! What a f***ing joke! At this point in the game shouldn't she have a cool bad-guy nickname like recently captured mob guy James "Whitey" Bulger. Lindsay "Slick as Snot" Lohan. Lindsay "The MC Hammer of Crime" Lohan ("you can't touch this," in case you missed the reference). Lindsay "Bulletproof" Lohan. Ah, hell, let's just call her C**t-Stuff. That fits.

http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/23/lindsay-lohan-arrives-at-court/?hpt=hp_bn5

Okie's Not O.K. - Recently while in L.A. for some cool-ass celebrity type crap, Oklahoma icon and favorite son, Kevin Durant, was asked "what was there to do for fun in Oklahoma?" to which Durantula replied "nuttin."

This of course inflamed many Oklahomans who think their state kicks ass. Consequently the young Thunder star has been taking some heat in the local media.

So, let me put this baby to rest. I live here. There is nothing to do here. Period. At least compared to N.Y., L.A., Miami, or even Dallas... where a 23 year old kid with money can do ANYTHING he f***ing wants to do.

OKC is perfect for a NBA baller who doesn't want all the big city distractions while trying to win a championship. It's perfect for Durant at this stage in life... but don't expect him to stick around all summer doing "nuttin."

And, for all you die-hard Okies, think back to when you were 23, was there anything to do here? So, shut up.

http://www.newsok.com/did-kevin-durant-diss-okc/article/3579197?custom_click=lead_story_photo

A Rose By Any Other Name... - A buddy of mine sent me an article from the Kansas City Star that reported on an armed robbery with a description of the assailant, it read:

"The robber fled on foot. The suspect is a black man in his mid-20s, about 5 feet 6 with a thin build. He wore a dark baseball cap, a knee-length white T-shirt and ankle-length grey shorts."

Wait... what? Ankle-length grey shorts... don't we call those pants?

http://www.kansascity.com/2011/06/23/2970396/robber-shoots-clerk-at-lenexa.html#ixzz1QDoTAjRo

Back That Thing Up - Kim Kardashian's big ass is real. Due to being asked day in and day out if her phat ass is real or implanted, Kim K went to doctors and had her booty x-rayed to prove that all that ass is for reals.

Guess what? All that junk is not funk. It's real and it's fabulous.

http://marquee.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/24/kim-k-gets-x-ray-to-prove-her-butts-real/?hpt=hp_c2

Brilliant Idea: Texting a Picture of My Dick

Below is a list of times it is a good idea to send someone a picture of your penis.














OK, just kidding.

But, seriously when is it a good idea to send someone a pic of your junk?

Apparently, not when you are a married U.S. Congressman with a pregnant wife at home... nope, that's not a real good time. That's the kind of crap that gets you kicked out of office and gets the subject of your proud pic cut off in the middle of the night.

But, does sending chicks pictures of your balls and shaft necessarily make you a bad Congressman... maybe not. But lying about it for a week when your dumb ass knew that the only reason someone would be asking about it was because they had proof of it most certainly does. It shows me that your are a retard (with a crooked penis - google the pic) and therefore unworthy of representing the fine people of NY.

Not only that, but apparently your moral compass is all f***ed up and doesn't, unlike your rod, know what direction is up. Your married, with a child on the way and yet you think it's OK to send some chicks on Facebook pictures of your cock and talk all nasty with them. Is that where it ended, was there more?

Ask John Edwards how that turned out for him.

In the attached article it says Congressman Dick reached out to, friend, Bill Clinton to "express regret for his actions."

I'm no expert, but maybe being friends with a guy who "did not have sexual relations with that woman," yet, somehow part of his "sexual relations" ended up on her dress, is not the best idea in the world. Perhaps reaching out to a guy who likes to moisten his cigar tip with a little "cat nip" is not the right political move right now. That's like a smoker reaching out to the Marlboro man to ask how to quit or a sex addict asking Ron Jeremy how to not f*** so much. Dumbass. That's why you shouldn't be a Congressman you're to f***ing stupid.

Besides, who really gives a shit about pictures of franks and beans. After all, everyone does it. Right?

According to a recent MTV study 1 in 3 U.S. teens has participated in "sexting," the act of sending messages of a sexual nature to a recipient. 1 in 5 teens have sent a naked picture of themselves to someone else. Of naked pictures sent 17% of them are forwarded on to someone else.

That poses one very important question... Do these chicks have my number?

Apparently adults are not to far behind the youth of America. Therefore it comes as no surprise that a U.S. Congressman, would send someone a picture of his erect member or Congress. Hell, I keep a naked picture of myself on my phone just in case I need to send the wife one to wet her appetite. (she knows she loves it). I think we all should.

However one needs to really evaluate how one's life would be affected if said picture would somehow get out in public or how things might go down if the picture was sent to the wrong person. For me, being Joe Nobody, if I sent a picture to the wrong person I'd get a reply back simply stating... "you're an idiot" from about 98% of the people in my contact list. The other 2% is made up of people who would be highly offended but whom I would not really care if I had offended and my wife, who would reply back to me, "my appetite is moist."

And, if the picture got out to the public, most people would just say stuff like, "good lord, is he carrying a club!" "What is that a white elephant?" "He is blessed" and "F********ck me." Ok, not really, but we can all dream. Actually, they'd just say, "HAHAHAHA."

Anyway, all I'm saying is don't be an idiot. Don't do stupid stuff. If you get married honor your wife by not being a sexual retard.

I have a theory that this all starts in the dating cycle. We try so hard to be someone who the person we are interested in would like that we don't show them who we actually are. In this case Mrs. Wiener probably never got a nasty Polaroid from Mr. Wiener that would have shown her that he is a total freak. Or, maybe she did and that is why she is so overly understanding of the situation... that, or he beats her. I don't have proof, I'm just saying.

Anyway. Kids, don't take pictures of your parts and send them to other kids. And girls, if you are over the age of 18, hot, and just have to do it... let me know... I'll send you my number.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/POLITICS/06/09/weiner.scandal/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

The End is Near and Other Excuses

Well boys and girls my vacation is over. And, just in time for the end of the world. Yes, according to some Christians this Saturday Jesus Christ will come back to earth and gather all of his faithful to take back to heaven. I doubt I get to join them so I will probably be left here on earth to slug it out with the zombie hordes and non-believers until October 21 when the world cataclysmicly comes to an end.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/05/19/rapture-movement-predicts-end-world-saturday/

The belief started in California (where else) when Harold Camping, owner of Family Radio Worldwide, an independent ministry, began broadcasting his prediction around the world.

On Monday a group called eBible Fellowship, a group who has been spreading Camping's word, met for the last time as an organization to say goodbye to one-another and to pray.

I wonder what that little party was like. Was it like a get-together when someone is leaving for a long period of time or more like a wake? I mean, seriously, this is a group of people that honestly believe that Saturday is the last day of the world. What kind of Debbie-downer party that must of been.

Personally I've been trying to use the talk of our demise to get sex from my wife... I mean if I'm going out, I'm going out on a high note. However, my wife is a non-believer and so far has not succumbed to my pleads for, what I am calling, Apocalyptic Sex. There's make-up sex, there's kids are away at grandmas for the weekend sex, there's "ok, just go ahead and do it" sex but Apocalyptic Sex is bound to be the greatest of them all.

Anyway, all this apocalyptic talk is taking away from my message here. I've been ignoring my little blog for the past couple of months not due to me diligently preparing for the end time, but rather just for two reasons: sheer busyness in my real life and lack of inspiration and will.

Oh sure there we've missed some exciting times.

- Lindsay Lohan pleaded out... of course, and won't spend a day in jail. She could walk into the eBible end of the world party and shoot all of them believers in the head and plead that they were all gonna die on Saturday anyway and just walk away with a stern preaching from the judge and 2 weeks community service. It could happen.

- Charlie Sheen lost his gawd damn mind. You've heard the saying, "crazier than a sh!t-house rat." Well, Charlie makes that rat look pretty credible member of society. How do you f*** up a gig that pays you $2 million to shoot a few scenes for a T.V. Show. He's complained that Chuck Lorre is manipulative and deceitful... BFD, you're making 2 mil a show... f***, I'd have sucked his d!ck for 2 mil a show. (Does that sound gay)

- We killed Osama Bin Laden. I loved how the media has stated that he was living in a mansion in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Look, I've seen a few mansions before and Osama wasn't in one. Granted he wasn't in a cave, sh!tting in a bucket, but come on, they weren't gonna feature his place on cribs anytime soon. I also love how the Pakistanis are acting all tough after we ventured into their country. If I was President I'd simply say, "look Pak... if I want any lip from you I'll scrap it off my damn zipper." And, Pakistan, if you don't want us there, stop us, then see what kinda sh!t storm that ignites. You were knowingly/unknowingly harbouring the most wanted man in the world... simply say, "our bad... glad you got the SOB" and get over it.

- Heidi Montag hasn't shown us her boobs, but recently announced she needed some time off from fame before starting her new show called Famous Food where she and a few other quasi-famous people do something with food, blah di frickin blah... SHOW US YOUR BOOBS!

- People in the Midwest are sick of rain. At first I was like, what did they do but then I remember that all those flooded rivers drain into New Orleans... and god hates New Orleans. How else to explain Katrina, Rita, the worst economy in the country, and oil spills. What's that you say, what about the Super Bowl? That's sorta like giving a death row inmate a final meal, I say. Trust me, the end is near... probably this Saturday.

Anyway, there's tons of other stuff I missed, so sorry for that... but hopefully I can find a little spark to continue to talk sh!t about. Look back soon for more.

I'm Quitting My Job...

...Instead I am going to devote my time looking for images of people in random items.

A couple recently discovered what appears to be the image of The Princes Bride, Kate Middleton in a mango flavored Jelly Belly. The couple plan to sell the bean on eBay with a starting price of 500 pounds (about $800). And, I'm willing to bet some whack job will pay that and more for this quirky little sweet morsel of mango.

If I'm going to be someone who professionally looks for images of people and things in random items I need a cool title... how about, a Random Face Finder, or an Image Collector, uh, uh, I know, a Professional Image Searcher, or a P.I.S. yeah, that's it.

"Hey man, so what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a P.I.S."

"Ohhhhh... what, you gotta pee?"

And, when I'm working I will tell people I'm P.I.S.'n

It'll catch on. Yep, I now plan on spending my days cooking toast, looking through bags of potato chips, and riffling through piles of vegetables (and Jelly Belly's) looking for that random image of Prince William, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Mickey Mouse and the coup de grace... Jesus Christ. I figure a good image of 'ol J.C. on a flour tortilla would bring a five-figure paycheck. HAHA, I'll be rich bitches! Suck on that Jelly Belly!

http://royalwedding.yahoo.com/blogs/man-finds-jelly-bean-with-striking-resemblance-to-kate-middleton-4555

Bigfoot

Thomas Byers and Carolyn Wright of Shelby, North Carolina claim that the above video is of Bigfoot, or Knobby, as he's locally known, as he walked across a road in front of them.

Sorry folks, but I'm gonna have to call bullsh!t on that. Seriously, it's 2011, my cell phone has a better video camera on it then what Tom filmed this shot with. WTH, did he pick up an old reel to reel video camera at a pawn shop and start filmin. That's grainier than a wheat field. The Zapruder film had better focus.

What you have is 2, maybe 3, guys (and Carolyn) who dressed up a schmuck in a gorilla outfit and filmed him running across the road. When they watched the replay they were like (in their best N. Carolina draw) "Gosh darn that looks totally fake, you can see them seams and everything... We gotta make this look bonafide." So they breathed their hot, alcohol filled, breath over the lens and shook it around so it would be out of focus before they captured their 5 second clip and then went back to their trailer and drank some more until Carolyn showed them her boobs. That's WHAT happen; imbreeding + beer + crappy video camera + a group of people tired of filming Carolyn and Earl Jay doing the naked shuffle while wasted on refer.

Good to know that North Carolina Hillbilly's with a sh!tty camera can still make the national news... que the fiddle from Deliverance.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Big-Foot-Or-Knobby-Is-Alive-And-Well-In-North-Carolina

Things I Learned This Week: A Scorpion Is Always A Scorpion

I am sure that you have all heard the tale of the frog and the scorpion.

No, well, listen up then.

One day a frog was sitting on the edge of the river when a scorpion walked up to him and said, "frog, will you please let me climb on your back and swim me across this river, I would be truly indebted to you?"

The frog said, "Of course not. You are a scorpion and you would surely sting me."

The scorpion replied back to the frog, "That would be silly, if I were to sting you then I would drown along with you, as I can not swim."

The frog thought of this for a minute and finally said, "OK, climb on and I'll swim you across the river."

The scorpion climbed on the frogs back and they started out across the river, about half way across the scorpion stung the frog and the frog cried out, "WHY, why have you stung me scorpion? Now you too will surely drown."

The scorpion simply replied, "you dumba$$, I am a scorpion... of course I am going to sting you."

Well, that's the moral of today's post... No matter what they say or do, some people, just can't change. Once a scorpion, always a scorpion.
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Lindsay Lohan pulled a kid off of a swing set in a local park, pulled his pants down and sodomized him with a broom handle in front of his mom then smoked a joint and laughed. She was detained by police but will not be charged. In fact they are giving her a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. The kid just want's an autograph and a bag of ice.

Seriously would that little headline stun you? Of course not, this is Lindsey Lohan we're talking about.

Well, that didn't happen, but proving that the LA court system is a funnier than old episodes of Seinfeld, Lohan again is getting the "star treatment" after being accused of stealing a necklace from a Hollywood jewelry store.

The necklace in question is worth $2500 and was taken on January 22nd. Video surveillance shows Lohan viewing and wearing the necklace at the store on that date. She is also seen wearing the necklace a few days later in paparazzi photos. When the store said they were going to press charges, an assistant of Lohan's returned the necklace to the store. The store was not paid for the necklace at any point. Despite all that, Lohan has pleaded not guilty to the theft.

I can't wait to hear the BS she comes up with this time. I'm willing to bet very important parts of my anatomy, i.e., my balls, that she will claim... "to her knowledge" the store "gave" her, or "loaned" her the necklace and then pull some bunk where she claims stores do this all the time for her, cause she's an actress. And, of course, the court will believe it and she will be set free to pillage once again.

The judge in the case told Lohan in court this week "You're no different than anyone else," then booked her at the courthouse instead of allowing police to arrest her and take her into custody, and did all of this outside of the cameras view that were covering the case.

After giving a DNA sample and paying the $40,000 bond, the court then allowed her to leave out a back entrance to the courthouse, again outside of the cameras view... just like anyone else would be able to do.

Oh well. This is looking just like every other case where Lohan was wrongfully accused. She's a saint. When will we learn.

Plus, kudos must be given to Lohan for borrowing Sharon Stone's "snatch" dress from Basic Instinct to wear to court. Nothing says, "I'm taking this seriously" more than showing up pantyless in a skin tight white dress, smoking a cigarette, and spreading her legs as the judge addressed her.

Ok, I made that up... she wasn't pantyless. But, again, would it surprise you if she was?

http://www.dailynews.com/news/ci_17339468?source=pkg
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Jennifer Aniston hates huge boobs and America, cause that goes hand in hand.

By huge boobs, I mean Heidi Montag and her husband Spencer Pratt (you thought I was talking about Montag's huge boobs, haha).

Supposedly Anistion barred Montag from the screening of her new movie "Just Go With It," that stars Adam Sandler and Brooklyn Decker.

This would of course beg the question does Montag have enough Hollywood pull to even attend such an event. And, the answer is "no." But, since she and her two co-stars (now I am talking about her huge boobs) have a bit part in the film she would typically be allowed to attend the gala.

But, Aniston supposedly barred the "actress" ( a term used loosely to describe both Aniston and Montag) from the screening because she is "too polarizing." Which is a nice way of saying "your tits are so big, they will steal the lime-light from me."

Montag replied by saying the whole thing was a big mix up, that she was invited, but she could not attend because she had to look after her dogs. Which is a nice way of saying, "I didn't want to come anyway bi#ch, and YES, my jugs are huge!"

http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/story/jennifer-aniston-bans-heidi-montag-from-film-premiere_1200746

p.s. The only reason a man would want to see this film is for that scene where Brooklyn Decker walks out of the ocean... even my 10 year old son says, "DAAAMMMMNNNNNN!" every time he sees that trailer.
_________________________________________

Hosni Mubarak will not be built a pyramid in his honor by his fellow Egyptians anytime soon. Unless it's built out of large piles of crap that has flowed from his mouth the past few weeks.

Less than 24 hours after telling Egyptians "I won't quit us," or something like that, Mubarak resigned and turned his power over to the Egyptian military.

What a mess.

I have a theory, actually I have many theory's, as you may have been able to tell by now, but this theory goes like this; Never go anywhere where they celebrate exciting things by yelling a tongue thrilling "Iyeyeyeyeyeyeyey," and shoot guns in the air... this includes Iraq, Egypt, and South Central Los Angeles.

For the past several weeks Egyptians have been protesting the decades of repressive leadership by President Mubarak which have been highlighted by several clashes between supporters and protesters of Mubarak in Egypts, Tahrir Square. This has lead to some reporters, like Anderson Cooper and Christiane Amanpour, being caught in the clash while reporting, from the streets, that there were clashes going on and that they were getting the sh!t kicked out of them... which serves them right... I mean, after all, they are rich, white, Americans walking around Tahrir Square like they own the place and expect nothing to happen... i.e. they are dumba$$es.

In the words of one merchant in the Egyptian capitol of Cairo, "these protest have set our country and economy back 50 years." So, that's like 1887... right. Seriously, do you think you were on the brink of becoming the next great technologically advanced state. In every protest picture there is noting but dirt covered streets, armed people bitching, and random goats. Could you imagine if they showed film of Times Square and it was a dirt covered road with goats tied to the street lights and Molotov cocktails flying across the joint, we'd get laughed at as a nation. Trust me, you ain't exactly Times Square, Egypt.

But, I digress. In the words of one Egyptian... "we are free."

Free. In a government that is currently being controlled by the military, you are free... I'm sure things will be awesome there by next week and you will be back up to your third world country standards.

In all seriousness, things may get better but it is going to take some serious time, and probably lots more of my tax dollars. Because, I'm sure we'll be sending a 'support' package to the Egyptians soon in hopes of getting our foot in their door... if not that, then maybe George Clooney can have a celebrity filled pledge drive.

Sean Penn, get your bags packed... there are people to be saved!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110211/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_egypt

Monday Morning Quarterback

Although it looks as if Christina Aguilera would have no problem reciting you the ingredients and instructions to making double-fudge chocolate brownies apparently the National Anthem causes her fits.

And, thus begins our Monday Morning Quarterback blog of all things Superbowl... except football.

So, Christina blotched the National Anthem... but rest assured more embarrassing things could have happened... no I'm not talking about some Disney doofus ripping her blouse open to reveal her pierced breast, no I'm saying they could have flashed her current weight up on that BIG screen in Texas Stadium.

Good Christ, what happened to her. I've always had this theory that 3-6 months after a woman gets divorced she will look better then at any point during her marriage. This happens for three reasons.

1. Spite - She wants to say "f*** you" to the guy that left her by looking s#it hot when he knows he can't touch her ever again without actually saying a word to him.

2. More Spite - She's on the prowl for a new man (so she can start eating again).

3. Even More Spite - She wants everyone to know that I only looked like that because I was with him... it wasn't me, it was him.

Well, Christina totally blows that theory out of the water. Instead, she has apparently chosen to hoover up every scrap of food around her then go on national television, and in front of the largest possible audience ever, f*** up the National Anthem... the only song that every American knows.

There's only one thing you can say... Spite... Failed.

And, speaking of failure you gotta love it when FOX cuts to the luxury box to show Cameron Diaz shoveling food in to Alex Rodriguez's mouth like she was shoveling coal into a furnace. In the biz we call that "epic timing."

Actually, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I'm not in the biz. But, I know a F.U. when I see one.

(http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Video-Cameron-Diaz-weirdly-feeds-popcorn-to-Ale?urn=nfl-317849 )

And, that luxury box. Jerry Jones had invited George Bush, Barbara Bush, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones, John Madden, Condoleezza Rice, Sugar Ray Leonard... and Austin, f***in, Kutcher. Don't get me wrong I love the movies 'Valentine's Day' and 'No Strings Attached' as much as the next guy straddling the man fence, but sitting with that better class, well better than him... come on. The guys a doof. And, what was that he was wearing on his head... a rasta hat. When did he become a Jamaican reggae singer.

http://www.yourcelebritystuff.com/ashton-kutcher/ashton-kutcher-sitting-behind-george-bush-at-the-super-bowl/

And, speaking of singers. Too bad we didn't have any for the half time show. (A-rum-pum-pum. Thank you folks, I'm here all week)

Actually, I don't blame the Black Eyed Peas for their poor audio performance. If I was Will-i-am I'd beat the s#it out of the guy who set up my mike... I think his name was I-F***ed-Up. They sounded like crap, and they looked like they had boards shoved up their a$$es. We've seen most of their act before, in their concert and on other television shows (MTV Music Awards), with the exception that they usually dance. However, they barely moved on the big stage and appeared to be nervous and scared. Like Josh Duhamel is every time Fergie says, "hurry, I'm about to piss myself."

http://www.hollywoodgrind.com/fergie-wet-her-pants-on-stage/

The mass of choreographed "Tron" dancers helped a bit, but even that was borrowed from the opening ceremonies of the Chinese Olympics, who by the way did it WAY better. Guest appearances by Slash and Usher did little to improve the scene, but at least Usher moved, the Peas looked as stiff as Willi's plastic hair piece.

But, the Peas are not alone in the "looking bad" category. The NFL and Jerry Jones joined them when they sold seats they didn't have.

Over 400 people had purchased seats and traveled to the game only then to walk through the gate to find out that they didn't actually have a seat like they thought. I guess special seats that were being installed just for the game did not get installed due to weather delays. Nice!

To make up for it the NFL offered people who got screwed in the deal three times face value of the seats they had purchased as a refund, which was $2400.

There's no way that would cover what someone spent on the Superbowl. You have to figure; 4- nights at a hotel at $250 a night (hotels in the area required a minimum 4-night stay), airfare, food, drink, plus souvenirs and other crap, let alone, the cost of the ticket, which if bought through a second hand vendor was WAY over the face value... I'd say you're looking at $4000 per seat. Minimum.

I'd be f***ing pissed.

You figure most people, in their lifetime, would never get to a Superbowl. And, these guys bought the cheap seats, so you know they aren't the corporate cronies that go every year. What does that "experience" cost? What's it's value? Certainly more than $4000 if you ask me. But, go figure, one of the unlucky guest has already started a website to sue the NFL, superbowlsuit.com. My guess is they will get four grand and then some.

On top of all this was the awesome Dallas weather. It maybe snows once a year in Dallas and even that is minimal and usually melted off by the next day... but, not this time. Dallas got pounded by snow and it didn't melt all week. Roads were closed, air travel was a mess, only about 2/3's of the stadiums entrances were open because of a concern for falling ice. Basically it all sucked. Now we get to hear the NFL pundits complain that the Superbowl should only be held in warm weather places like Miami, Phoenix, L.A. and New Orleans. Well, get used to it... next year is Indy and then an outside game in New York. Bundle up b!tc#es.

Commercials this year were OK. I loved the aforementioned Little Darth Vader VW commercial, but also liked the eTrade commercials, as usual, and the Chrysler 200 commercial with Eminem was kinda cool, even thought I would never buy a Chrysler cause Chrysler builds sh!t. Carmax had a decent ad, and women everywhere this Valentine's day will be getting cards that read, "Dear (name), your rack is unreal!" but I still don't get most of these advertisers spending $1.6 million on 30 seconds of ad time only to show us the lame a$$ sh!t they come up with, i.e.; Doritos, Pepsi Max, and whatever Kenny G. and Adrien Brody were selling. Every ad should kill with that kind of money being thrown around.

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/the-buzziest-super-bowl-ads-of-2011--2278

And, finally, to end this edition of Monday Morning Quarterback I leave you with this... the Monday after Superbowl Sunday should be a national holiday and all business should be closed... so sayeth my pounding head and wrecked stomach.

http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-after.html


See you next year, if there is no strike!

Instant Classic Superbowl Ad

@ Yahoo! Video

This superbowl ad came out a few days before the big game.

p.s. Steelers 27-24.

The End Is Near

Having lived in a state where snow was just part of the norm, it always makes me laugh at the panic that is created when a snow storm is predicted for Oklahoma.

It doesn't take much to shut down this state. With no significant snow removal system in place and with political correctness run amuck a couple of inches is enough to throw Oklahoma citizens into mass hysteria.

And, it's not just snow that causes a total closure of all state facilities... it's ice, rain... hell, we've cancelled school before because it was going to be really cold. When I asked my school administrator why we cancel school so often it always comes down to "safety."

That's a cop out excuse... "safety."

"We can't risk buses driving on slick roads, or kids standing out in the cold," they say.

I guess that makes sense... for pu$$ies.

It is a school after all and if I ask my kids what they learned while sitting at home playing XBox instead of going to class today they will say, "if there is a little snow... I don't have to go to work."
Yep, a big generation of a bunch of candy-a$$ wimps, that's what were creating. Generation Wus.

Now, I'm not shi#ing you when I tell you that my kids were off from school for 3 days last year due to "extreme cold weather conditions." There was no snow, ice or anything... just cold. And by cold, I mean temps in the teens and single digits. Not the -30's you get in Alaska or the whole month of January in North Dakota when it's hovering around 0. Three days... because of cold!

In the schools defense, the same administrator told me that some students don't have jackets... They told me that some kids will be sent to school in shorts when it's below freezing out because "that's what the kid wanted to wear." That's not a school problem... that's a parent problem. A dumba$$ parent problem. The school is just looking out for their little frozen butts since their parents don't have the sense God gave a dung beetle.

Yeah, a dung beetle.

A dung beetle will climb into a pile of crap to survive the elements, yet Jimmy's mom won't make Jimmy wear pants when it's 27 degrees out. DUMBA$$E$.

But, I digress.

I mostly blame the media for this and most all weather related panic. Oklahoma is infamous for their coverage of any storm system that bears down on our state. I can count on several nights of TV being interrupted or canceled completely each year so that we can watch the most famous weatherman in the world, Gary England, and his band of tornado chasing buffoons, chase a storm cell across the state. Don't think he's famous... he has a drinking game named after him, The Gary England Drinking Game (http://www.okstorms.com/chasing/other_weather/drinking_game.htm).

The guy has made a name for himself telling us about every shower and strong wind that has ever blown across Oklahoma.

And, by "ever," I mean since the beginning of time. I think he's 187.

That may be a conservative estimate. Let's just say he can tell you what the weather was like when Lincoln got shot... cause he was there. His report went like this; "Today was a nice April day with temps in the mid 60's, tomorrow the weather will take one last turn for the worse when we'll have a cool front move through state bringing us a chance for Spring showers and moderately cool weather. Temperatures will be in the upper 40's for the northern part of the state with low 50's in the south. Look for this to last a couple of days then I think we'll see 'ol Mr. Sunshine again and warmer temps for the later part of the week... oh, yeah, and President Lincoln was killed today."

He's old, long winded, and a weather nutbag. Hell, I've seen him talk for 15 minutes because of dust that the wind was blowing around on a hot July evening instead of being able to watch reruns of Seinfeld.

It's f***ing dust, get the Pledge out and get over it!

If it's weather related, it's big news in OK, and the weathermen are going to make a big deal about it, period... accept that now before it destroys you. Half the time the weathermen are on TV 24/7 telling us about some epidemic that is about to befall us and it never ends up happening. Then they act disappointed instead of relieved that it missed us. The local weathermen are better at causing panic then of attempting to advert it.

For example, this weeks storm began last week in the form of a mild ice storm and cold weather change after a weekend of 70 degree days. It read like this in the news... "enjoy the warm weather folks, cause starting next Monday you are probably going to die or suffer from life threatening hypothermia in a mild ice storm that will hit the state like a freight train hitting a baby stroller filled with un-weaned puppies."

OK, maybe I over dramatized it a bit, but I'm not that far off.

On Thursday both my kids came home from school with the news, "we're probably not going to have school next Tuesday and Wednesday... and maybe Thursday." A flake hasn't even hit the ground and my kids are already making play dates five days before the storm is supposed to hit cause the school is already telling my kids that they are closing.

My next big slap in the face came when my wife and I went to the grocery store. We walked in and were like "what the f*** is going on." The store was packed. It was like shopping for groceries on the Friday after Thanksgiving at Wal-Mart when they are selling laptops for $100.

People were freaking out.

Items like milk, water, and basic dry goods were cleaned off the shelves (which was fine, I live off of liquor and chips and salsa). We were walking the aisle asking ourselves, "did we miss something." Then I overheard some ladies talking about snow and I was like, "are you f***ing kidding me."

All this for what is predicted to be 6-10 inches of snow.

You'd think the Russians had parked some nukes off the coast of Florida with the way people were acting or that Justin Beiber was offering free tickets with a purchase of a gallon of milk. It was nuts.

I saw one lady claw out another ladies throat, Road House style, over the last 16oz block of Colby Jack cheese. It was Thunderdome.

Ok... I made that up.

But it was stoopid nuts.

This same thing happened last year. We got about 8 inches of snow. I got the day off work, so I wasn't really complaining, until I loaded my kids up in the SUV to go see a movie at 4pm and the theater was closed... along with the mall... and all the restaurants. I couldn't even get into a store to buy any sleds. Everything was SHUT DOWN.

I felt like Burgess Meredith in his famous Twilight Zone episode, "Time Enough At Last," where he ends up being the last man on earth and all he wants to do is read books... thousands of books, then he breaks his glasses. And, it was like, F***!

Everything was vacated.

And, if that wasn't bad enough... the next day, people did try to venture out. That was a day that tried my patience like no other.

See, I lived a large chunk of my life in Denver, CO and a 8 inch snow storm happens several times a year. You get used to those types of conditions. It's just another day there. So, perhaps it's for the best. After all, no Okie can drive in that s#!t (see post http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2011/01/driving-on-snow-perspective-from-guy.html). And, that would piss me off even more; having these f***ing morons try to get on the snow covered streets.

I guess I will just shut my mouth, enjoy my day (or two) off and watch the weather men scare the sh!t out of everyone all day long with "ICE WATCH 2011: COLD DEATH!"

God, I hope I have enough chips and salsa.

Top 5: Oscar Snubs

Well it's that time of year when Hollywood is patting itself on back for finding cures to cancer and solving worldwide hunger issues... uh, what... they're just making movies and getting paid millions to do it. That's my bad... I just thought with the constant barrage of movie awards we've seen and or are about to see that they must of done something pretty terrific, but yeah, making movies is right up there with resolving the heath care issue, so let me rephrase...

We'll it's that time of year when Hollywood is patting itself on the back for being totally and completely awesome... after all, name another industry that gives itself more awards than there are weeks in a year to televise them.

Anyway, the Oscars recently released their annual nominations for Best Movie, Best Actor, Best Actress, etc. and, as is standard, the media pointed out their short sightedness in quick fashion. Most notably this year, Andrew Garfield from 'The Social Network' and Mila Kunis from 'Black Swan' were not nominated for anything. Garfield I get, but Kunis... come on, have you seen that scene (the scene) with her and Natalie Portman... GREAT stuff! When is someone going to have an awards show for best girl on girl scene. That's an awards show that I watch. Just sayin.

Anyway, it got me to thinking what were some of the biggest Oscar snubs or mistakes of all time. And, since it's been awhile since I've done a top 5... well let's just say I'm throwing a rock and two birds.

5. Brad Pit - 12 Monkeys - Should have won for Best-Supporting Actor. Don't get me wrong Kevin Spacey was great in 'The Usual Suspects' but really all he did was gimp around and act like a puss. Not much of a stretch for Kevin Spacey. Pitt's performance was killer and stole the show. Another Pitt snub was for his single scene performance from True Romance when he played Floyd. They should make an award for "Best Cameo" or "Best Single Scene." That's an awesome idea if I have to say so myself. Think of it; Tom Cruise as Les Grossman in Tropic Thunder, Ben Stiller in The Legend of Ron Burgandy, and Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in every Kevin Smith film.

4. Paul Newman - Cool Hand Luke - Let's face it, Newman should probably have won about 5 Best Acting awards... it wasn't until he played Fast Eddie in The Color of Money that he finally did. Yes they skipped over him 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof', 'Hud', 'The Hustler', 'Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid', and of course 'Cool Hand Luke.' Losing that year to Rod Steiger for his performance from 'In The Heat of The Night.' Name me another Rod Steiger film. Hell, Newmans performance as Reggie Dunlop in Slap Shot was better than Steiger's Chief Gillespie. Ok, maybe that's a stretch... but I can tell you no one goes around quoting lines from 'In The Heat of The Night." Keep shaking that bush boy... keep shaking that bush. It should be noted that Steiger beat Dustin Hoffman to for his performance in 'The Graduate' too... really!

3. Saving Private Ryan - It wasn't so much that this movie didn't win Best Picture, but what did... Shakespeare in Love. Que? In what I would consider a WEAK year in Best Picture noms, Saving Private Ryan lost to Shakespeare in Love. The other nominees were Elizabeth, Life is Beautiful, and A Thin Red Line. After seeing any of these movies I would never see them again. I would never even want to see most of them in the first place ( exception; Thin Red Line). What crap is this? Saving Private Ryan was spectacular, it was huge, it gave a whole new generation a new respect for "the greatest generation." It made World War II matter again. And, what did it get... snubbed.

2. Apocalypse Now - Francis Ford Coppola's epic Vietnam drama was so complex and riveting that I don't think the Academy knew exactly what to do with it. Listed at #28 on the AFI Top 100 Films list, Apocalypse Now lost the Best Picture award to , 'Krammer vs. Krammer,' which isn't even on the list. Roger Ebert wrote in his review "Apocalypse Now achieves greatness not by analyzing our 'experience in Vietnam', but by re-creating, in characters and images, something of that experience." And, it took you through some pretty dark, f***ing experiences at that. Perhaps because it took us there is why it was snubbed in 1979.

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey - Number 22 on AFI's Top 100 Films list wasn't even nominated for Best Picture in 1968. The Academy instead chose to nominate 'Funny Girl,' 'The Lion In Winter,' 'Oliver' (winner), 'Rachel, Rachel,' and 'Romeo and Juliet.' None of which are on the top 100 list. Furthermore, in 1991 the Library of Congress selected it for preservation in the National Film Registry calling it "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant." Funny, I don't recall anyone saying that about 'Oliver.' The film is noted by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas as "hugely inspirational." Those guys are pretty good, I'll take their word for it.

Well, there you go, the biggest Oscar snubs and f***-ups ever. So, maybe Mila Kunis chowing down on Natalie Portman's box isn't in the top 5, it's still worthy of snubbery and, who knows, in 20 years maybe it'll make the top 5.

p.s. - Brad Pitt was a joke... sorta. The guy was awesome and deserved to win Best-Supporting Actor in 12 Monkeys, but snubbed? Not on this level...

5. Star Wars - This movie REWROTE the book on special effects in movies . It gave us 34 years of Star Wars lore, fan clubs, action figures, 5 more movies, cartoons out the a$$, Harrison Ford, the Force, Billions in sales. And, what did we give it... just a nomination for Best Picture. What the f*** has Annie Hall done for you lately.

Driving On Snow: A Perspective From The Guy Driving Behind You

Oklahoma experienced a little ice and snow fall last night and I had to follow you into work today, and I should tell you; you shouldn't be driving on the ice covered roads this morning... with your head up YOUR F***ING ASS!

Seriously, what the f*** were you thinking by grabbing your keys and stepping into that 2600 lb sled this morning. I'm not sure you should drive on a warm, sunny day, let alone, a slick and treacherous morning like this one.

You're a moron.

I especially liked it when you couldn't get stopped at the stop sign and stood on your brakes like you were going 107 mph and airborne, when in fact you were doing 4 mph... you're body was as straight as a board from your headrest to your brake peddle. I should point out that once you've slid past the stop sign and into the middle of the intersection that there is no need to stop at that point. You should probably just continue on, instead of coming to a complete stop then spinning your tires trying to take off like you were auditioning for the part of "Driver" in a Dukes of Hazard movie. And, then, because you slid through the stop sign, you went 10 mph the rest of the way to the highway... and I had to follow you for that whole time... that was great.

Anyway, thought I would take a minute to point out a few things to you and those drivers that think they need to be out today.

First of all; when the TV news anchorman tells you that if you are not "essential personnel" at your office to stay home, then you should listen to them. I want you to really consider your role at work and ask yourself, "is there a greater chance that someone is going to die because I didn't go into the office than if I get on the road." If there is not... stay home.

I would also like the news anchors to add to the "essential personal" list with the following; If you are in any way retarded, old, young, blind in one eye, afraid of spiders, bad at driving on a good day, has a car with bald tires, has a car with good tires but a bad driver, hates the color white, has any learning disabilities in your family tree going back 3 generations, if you don't know what ABS is, don't know what AWD is, don't know what ASS is (that's you, by the way), if you don't have any of these acronyms on your vehicle anywhere, if you cry easily, if you get emotional at sad commercials or have had a pet die in the last 10 days, if you might be driving with a child, if you plan on texting your friends that "it is icy out" while driving, if you think it's ok to wear either shorts when it is 22 degrees out or extremely long pointy shoes at any time in your life, if you think driving 5-10 mph and holding up traffic for 2 1/2 miles is a good idea, if you don't have a death wish, if you would not like me to park my Ford F-150 up your ass... then you need to stay off the roads today.

Second, here are some driving tips if you do venture out. Plan ahead, pay attention, know your route, give yourself plenty of time to stop, don't make sharp or sudden turns, don't pull out to close to anyone (remember they can't stop suddenly) and keep your head out of your ass. That last point is key. If you are going to drive with your head up your ass, just stay home.

It should be noted that most accidents occur on the ice because of braking... when you brake you lose a lot of ability to steer your vehicle... sometimes you just gotta drive through it, or hopefully, around it.

Third... don't be a part of the problem if you don't have to be. If you are not comfortable on the ice just stay the f*** home cause all you're doing is pissing those of us that have to be out in the ice right the f*** off.

And, last... if you are out on the ice and cause an accident... die. Cause if you ain't dead and I've wrecked my car because of you, I'm gonna beat your ass. I don't care if your legs are crushed and you are bleeding from your eye sockets, I'm gonna punch you in your damn face for driving on a day like today.

Enjoy your day home.

Rantin' and Ravin' and Other News

To Whom It May Concern:

I hope this rant finds you well.

First or all, it should be noted that I am in a particularly pissed off mood. I do not know why but warning has been served. Perhaps it's due to the fact that my favorite basketball team, the Denver Nuggets, is in disarray and are about to be imploded (f***ing trade Melo already, you’re team chemistry is for sh!t... I don't care if only get a used lawnmower back, just dump him). Or, perhaps it’s just that I have been witness to several different acts of ignorance over the past few days and I guess I have just been letting them get to me. For Example.

While at my kids indoor soccer games last night some douche bag sitting in front of me was in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops like it was the middle of July. For those of you who do not know, I live in Oklahoma, and the outside temperature last night was a balmy 22 degrees at game time. This prick was proudly raving that "it's not cold out. I'm from North Dakota and this is like a summer day up there."

I don't care who you are, if you live in North Dakota, South Dakota, Antarctica, if you're a f***ing Eskimo. 22 degrees is cold. Fine, I get it, the cold doesn't bother you. But, you look like a f***ing idiot in your shorts and flip flops when there's snow flurries on the ground. I wanna punch you in your damn cold face.

I would like to also point out that his kid was dressed for winter; jeans, sweatshirt, heavy coat. if it ain't cold why don't you put that som-b!tch in some flippy-floppys. Didn't think so dumbass.

And, just because it's cold doesn't mean the roads are slick, so to the old man I was driving behind this morning. SPEED THE F*** UP! Going 25 in a 45 should be a crime punishable by a swift ass kickin.

And, on a completely different subject; if you are on Facebook and you are using a picture of your dog as your profile picture. Change it motherf***er. I had some chick I went to school with friend request me whom I vaguely remember. Her Facebook profile picture didn’t help be out because it was of a fluffy white dog. I replied back to her and said I always thought she was a bitch and now her picture proves it.

Ok, that didn't happen, but let me tell you what did… DENIED! No friend for you.

Also, and this is a personal problem, but I have 208 friends on Facebook. Why? I couldn't pick but about 2/3rds of them out of a crowd and I'd need help with most of the other names. I guess one feels obligated to accept anyone they have a past history with, but more and more I am feeling that that is completely stupid. I feel a purge coming on. If you’re reading this you’re probably safe… probably.

I hate people who wear those stupid ass overly pointy shoes (see pic), that make their feet look 4 sizes larger than they actually are. You know the ones. They are super trendy, italian, and usually in lime green or purple.

I got a real issue with men, especially, wearing pointy shoes. You should know you look like a f***ing court jester in those clown shoes. Dance for me jester… dance boy!

In local news, a man in Bethany, OK, Reginald Scott Bartlett, recently stabbed his wife to death after she caught him viewing porn on the computer (we know what that means… yep, he was milking his pig). After arguing with him the man “snapped” grabbed a knife and stabbed her several times. He then went shopping for golf clubs. After a bit he went back home and called the cops.

Look ladies. All men look at porn. Accept than now before it destroys you… literally. See, we’re pigs. We can’t help it. That’s just the way it is; call it DNA, or wiring… we’re all just a little bit freaky and we love naked ladies. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT b!tch at us for it. If you’re curious, ask us about it, and use it. Seriously, we are more than likely willing to have sex with you, if you ask, while we are looking at porn... if you do not want to have sex with us, that is why we are looking at porn. That’s just a free bit of advice from the Slaphand.

Don’t misunderstand; I don’t condone Reginald’s actions. But, it’s sorta like the late, great Sam Kinison always said, “I don’t condone domestic violence… but I understand it.” I’m just saying there is a less abrasive way to address the subject than to just throw a fit. Might I suggest lending a hand? HA

Now if Reggie was running up thousands of dollars in charges looking at porn, b!tch shoulda grabbed the knife first. Just sayin.

http://www.newsok.com/article/3531188

Another interesting news story… By now I’m sure you have all heard the story of Ted Williams. If not, Ted was a homeless man, living on the streets of Columbus, OH when a local news reporter questioned Williams panhandling sign that stated he was down and out, but “had the gift of voice.” Williams gave him a few lines that sounded like they came from God’s emcee… it was this deep, honeyed, professional voice. The video went viral on the internet and now Williams has been offered several jobs, a house from the Cleveland Cavilers, and countless interviews from all types of media outlets including Dr. Phil and Entertainment Weekly.

While in L.A. to film the Dr. Phil spot Williams got into a spat at a hotel with his daughter, that had traveled with him, and the cops were called in by other guest. Williams and his daughter were questioned and released. I guess you can take a man off the streets but sometimes you can’t get the street off the man.

Anyway, one hotel guest said he didn’t know what they were arguing about but it was loud and sounded like Kasey Kasam if he were in a really bad mood. He said he could listen to Williams argue in that sultry voice all night long… he didn’t know if Williams “wanted to kill the girl he was arguing with or give her ‘A BRAND NEW CAR!’ His voice was like butter. It was like being chewed out by angels.”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110112/ap_en_tv/us_homeless_radio_voice

p.s. I hate it when men wear flip flops... unless you are on a beach or in a men's locker room shower. I want to take them off the persons feet and slap them right across their damn face with the flip flop when I see them on people.

Things I Learned This Week: The "Uh...What" Edition.

Ok, there are stupid questions.

Anderson Cooper brought 80's 'Growing Pains' star and born again Christian, Kirk Cameron, onto his show this past week to ask him about the mysterious bird and fish deaths around the world.

uh... what?

WTF does Kirk Cameron know about dead birds and fish. Well, as Cameron gently puts it to the dumbass (Cooper) that asked the question, "Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I'm not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it's -- it's really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some time -- some kind of an end-times theory."

Let me sarcastically translate that to my fellow readers, "Are you f***ing serious, that's why you had me come on the show, to talk about a bunch of dead f***ing birds, who gives a sh!t... for Christ sake Anderson you're an award winning journalist and you're pulling this out of your a$$. Go f*** yourself you dimwit."

That's a loose translation but I feel it's pretty balls on.

In Anderson's defense he did try to cross reference the mass bird and fish deaths that whack jobs contribute to crazy end of the world theories with the fact that Cameron starred in an popular Christian apocalyptic series called 'Left Behind," filmed in the early 2000's. I guess because he starred in this religious end of days movie, that, in Anderson's mind, this qualified him to discuss the possibility that dead birds = the apocalypse. At least Cameron had the gumption to admit that he is not an expert on the subject and even tried to dissuade viewers from believing that this is a sign of the end of the world unlike most paranoid Christian nut bags.

http://www.tvguide.com/News/Kirk-Cameron-Birds-1027442.aspx?rss=breakingnews
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I am the consensus #1 pick in the NFL draft and I will be guaranteed $50 million dollars and all the tail I can swing with... nay, I think I'll just stay in school and get my degree in Architecture.

uh... what?

That's what Stanford standout quarterback and future Architect, Andrew Luck, recently said to the world. Luck is passing up a guaranteed fifty million dollar contract for the 1st round pick because he wants to graduate with his degree in Architecture from Stanford.

Even if he is the #1 pick in next years draft he stands to lose, at least, $20 million of that $50 million because the NFL is in a contract year and one of the key sticking points is how much untested rookies are being paid for being in the top tier of draft picks. Plus, lets say some sh!t hot running back from Kansas State blows everyone's minds by rushing for 1600 yards 25 touchdowns, and does so by running through brick walls and 350 lb linemen and wins the Heisman and now all of the sudden every team wants him instead of Luck... then he would lose that much more money. And, on top of it all, he risk losing it all due to injury, poor performance, or just plain a$$ bad luck, all for his degree.

I thought kids that went to Stanford were supposed to be really smart and this is the dumbest f***ing decision in the world. I don't know if anyone has sat jr. down and explained to him... you can still work towards your degree and play professional football while collecting a big 'ol check from some NFL team. And, oh by the way if you blow out your ACL or get hit in the head to hard playing for Stanford... you might still be able to draw me a condo but you are not going to be doing it with $50 million dollars in the bank.

If he'd at least said he wanted to play for a National Championship I could see that... a little bit... but he loses 3 offensive linemen and his tight end and quite possibly his coach, Jim Harbaugh... because Harbaugh's no moron; teams are talking about paying him $6-7 million to coach in the NFL and he knows that's a lot more cheddar than the $1.5 he's making at Stanford.

Andrew, pull your head out of your butt and declare for the draft.

On the other side of the ball, I did talk to one guy that really appreciates your decision; Blane Gabbert says "thanks (dumbass)."

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=5995754
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In local news; Just because you are a really successful mayor doesn't mean your really successful at everything.

The Oklahoma City mayor is splitting from his wife of 32 years citing "total irreconcilable incompatibility."

uh... what?

I'm no marriage counselor but if it's total irreconcilable incompatibility then you gotta have a whole lot of hate for that person. To write something like that means that every fiber and thought in your body is the exact polar opposite of the whore your divorcing.

But, wow! Mayor Mick is going to the big "D." This is the same guy that put the entire city of Oklahoma City on a diet and got invited to the Today Show and Ellen DeGeneres show to talk about it... the same guy that has keep OKC in a relative good economy despite the sh!t tank that every other metro area in the country has fallen in... the same guy that had the fore site to bring a homeless NBA team (New Orleans) to town knowing that eventually the NBA would assist in placing another team (Seattle--dumbasses) here eventually thus increasing the economy of the downtown area by millions, possibly billions of dollars... the same guy that recently was elected the 2nd best mayor in the whole f***ing world by the London based World Mayor Project.

Yep... that's the one.

Despite accomplishing all that he just couldn't stand to be married to that life sucking b!tch one minute longer. That says a lot.

In response, the mayors future ex-wife stated that it was a very personal, emotional, and painful decision and that if followed years of marital counseling. She also added, "I still love him and want to stay married. It was not a mutual decision."

When asked for a response a spokesman for the mayor said that the mayor "will have no further comment on the matter," which is a polite way of saying "F*** that!"

p.s. I think he's f***ing someone on the side already. You wait... it'll get spilled by the press soon. He'll be seen out on the town with his former secretary or something.

http://newsok.com/mayors-wife-responds-to-filing/article/3529880#ixzz1AH2FJWo6