File this under "Awesome things seen inside the bathroom of a roadside truck stop."
Genuine Horny Goat Weed - Increases Sexual Energy, Enhances Desire & Performance
We'll see...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Genuine Horny Goat Weed... Hells Yeah!
File this under "Awesome things seen inside the bathroom of a roadside truck stop."
Genuine Horny Goat Weed - Increases Sexual Energy, Enhances Desire & Performance
We'll see...
Top 5 Stories of 2009... Slaphanded
The end of the year is always filled with list and we all know I love list, especially top 5 list. So here we go with the Top 5 News Stories of 2009 according to Slap Hand.
5. Jessica Biel exposes herself - What, you say? This beats out swine fever, Iranian elections, and China's expansion; YES! Way back when at the ripe 'ol age of 17 Jessica Biel flashed us some skin in Gear magazine. Ever since that time I have been patiently waiting for something else from her. I was hoping for some paparazzi photos of her on some nude beach from about 6 miles away, or better yet, a "tasteful" spread in Playboy, or the creme de la creme... a sex tape preferably with another woman and not Justin Timberlake, but would have taken either. In 2009 my hopes were answered with a nude scene in a movie. I guess splashing herself with hot wax will have to do for now. Damn she's hot!
http://cyanatrendland.com/2009/05/11/jessica-biel-sexy-strip-dance/
4. Balloon Boy Hoax - See my previous post on this. Latest developments have Balloon Boys Dad and Mom doing some time in lockup, paying some bills and then some serious probation and worst of all - they are not allowed to profit from the incident per court order. It's better than my suggested alternative... take them all out back and kick the shit out of them for being stupid.
http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2009/10/balloon-boy-bolonga.html
3. Politics as Unusual - From our health care fiasco to Afghanistan and Iraq to our struggling economy, politicos from both parties have been dealing with some unusual and difficult topics this year. Slaphand lays claim to no party affiliations unless that party has strippers, snacks, and alcohol. However, I am glad I am not President... that man has taken some heat. The poor guy can't even go on TV to tell our kids to stay in school without causing mass hysteria. I firmly believe the separation between parties will one day put this nation in dire straights... only during the time of national disaster (think 9/11) can we come together as unified nation. I am embarrassed for us at times. I hope it will get better, I hope the issues at hand will be jointly resolved and I hope it happens sooner than later.
p.s. On Afghanistan - put enough troops on the ground to get the fricken job done, get in and get out... don't mickey mouse this shit and don't put a time table on it. Just sayin.
2. Tiger Woods Has Been F***ing Everything - This guy has got more ass this year than a proctologist. Who knew? I now know why he married a white woman... if he pulled this shit on a black woman she'd of beat his ass.
Whereas most Americans believe Tiger made a mistake by cheating on his wife Slaphand thinks he made a mistake getting married. If you were gonna screw everything in sight, don't take the vows. Americans would not have thought the less of you for getting your swerve on then.
p.s. love the tiger jokes, keep em coming... just like tiger (rum pum pum)
1. A Pedophile Dies - This story garnered HUGE amounts of attention. For example, I read somewhere that Michael Jackson had about a million fans signed up on his website prior to his death and after his death it jumped up to over 7 million, something like 30 people a second were becoming fans of his after he died. His music didn't change after he died, it was always kick ass... yeah, I said it... kick ass. I'd be lying if I said the boy didn't make some sic tunes. So where were those fans prior to his death.
The same place I was and still am. Appalled that this freak of nature was free to walk among us.
Prior to his death he wasn't news. He hadn't come out with a good song for as long as I can remember. And, if people did talk about him it was because of all the freaky ass shit he was into.
And don't pretend that you didn't think the guy was a FREAK. Although he was never found guilty in a court of law for f***ing little boys I think we all know what he was doing .
And, what the f*** was up with all his cosmetic surgery. His skin was tighter than a nuns vagina. Ask yourself this, "would I want to hang out with Michael Jackson... would I want my kid to?" I think we know the answer to those questions. Yet after the guy died everyone was a fan.
Appreciate the music... but Michael, himself, said it best... "I'm bad."
5. Jessica Biel exposes herself - What, you say? This beats out swine fever, Iranian elections, and China's expansion; YES! Way back when at the ripe 'ol age of 17 Jessica Biel flashed us some skin in Gear magazine. Ever since that time I have been patiently waiting for something else from her. I was hoping for some paparazzi photos of her on some nude beach from about 6 miles away, or better yet, a "tasteful" spread in Playboy, or the creme de la creme... a sex tape preferably with another woman and not Justin Timberlake, but would have taken either. In 2009 my hopes were answered with a nude scene in a movie. I guess splashing herself with hot wax will have to do for now. Damn she's hot!
http://cyanatrendland.com/2009/05/11/jessica-biel-sexy-strip-dance/
4. Balloon Boy Hoax - See my previous post on this. Latest developments have Balloon Boys Dad and Mom doing some time in lockup, paying some bills and then some serious probation and worst of all - they are not allowed to profit from the incident per court order. It's better than my suggested alternative... take them all out back and kick the shit out of them for being stupid.
http://slaphand.blogspot.com/2009/10/balloon-boy-bolonga.html
3. Politics as Unusual - From our health care fiasco to Afghanistan and Iraq to our struggling economy, politicos from both parties have been dealing with some unusual and difficult topics this year. Slaphand lays claim to no party affiliations unless that party has strippers, snacks, and alcohol. However, I am glad I am not President... that man has taken some heat. The poor guy can't even go on TV to tell our kids to stay in school without causing mass hysteria. I firmly believe the separation between parties will one day put this nation in dire straights... only during the time of national disaster (think 9/11) can we come together as unified nation. I am embarrassed for us at times. I hope it will get better, I hope the issues at hand will be jointly resolved and I hope it happens sooner than later.
p.s. On Afghanistan - put enough troops on the ground to get the fricken job done, get in and get out... don't mickey mouse this shit and don't put a time table on it. Just sayin.
2. Tiger Woods Has Been F***ing Everything - This guy has got more ass this year than a proctologist. Who knew? I now know why he married a white woman... if he pulled this shit on a black woman she'd of beat his ass.
Whereas most Americans believe Tiger made a mistake by cheating on his wife Slaphand thinks he made a mistake getting married. If you were gonna screw everything in sight, don't take the vows. Americans would not have thought the less of you for getting your swerve on then.
p.s. love the tiger jokes, keep em coming... just like tiger (rum pum pum)
1. A Pedophile Dies - This story garnered HUGE amounts of attention. For example, I read somewhere that Michael Jackson had about a million fans signed up on his website prior to his death and after his death it jumped up to over 7 million, something like 30 people a second were becoming fans of his after he died. His music didn't change after he died, it was always kick ass... yeah, I said it... kick ass. I'd be lying if I said the boy didn't make some sic tunes. So where were those fans prior to his death.
The same place I was and still am. Appalled that this freak of nature was free to walk among us.
Prior to his death he wasn't news. He hadn't come out with a good song for as long as I can remember. And, if people did talk about him it was because of all the freaky ass shit he was into.
And don't pretend that you didn't think the guy was a FREAK. Although he was never found guilty in a court of law for f***ing little boys I think we all know what he was doing .
And, what the f*** was up with all his cosmetic surgery. His skin was tighter than a nuns vagina. Ask yourself this, "would I want to hang out with Michael Jackson... would I want my kid to?" I think we know the answer to those questions. Yet after the guy died everyone was a fan.
Appreciate the music... but Michael, himself, said it best... "I'm bad."
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Serenity Now!
Mark DeMoss, A self described "conservative evangelical Southern Baptist who tried to elect Mitt Romney, a Mormon, as president" has started a project to bring civility back into our sorry lives.
http://www.civilityproject.org/
Mark, along with a Jewish guy, and a couple of people that have worked for the current and past presidents and who are all fed up with lack of civilness in which we treat each other are asking us, as a society, to be civil in our public discourse and behavior, be respectful of others whether or not we agree with them, and to stand against incivility when we see it.
While I admire the nobility of such a project, (because, god knows, most people are dickheads) I think it could use a little Slap Hand to push it over the top. Therefore I am launching my own project:
THE INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE PROJECT
First of all... a little background on this subject. This past weekend on my way back to OKC I stopped at one of those "center of the turnpike" restaurant/gas station combos where I found cars lined up 3 and 4 deep to get gas. After several minutes of waiting my turn I arrived at the pump.
Let me paint this scene for you... the gas station had two pumps in a row. I pulled up to the second pump, so there was a guy in front of me that I would not be able to pass unless he moved. I had allowed the car at the pump prior to my pulling in to back out because the person in front of them was not in their car. In other words he was using the pump space as a parking space while he was inside getting snacks, pissin, or doing something inside the station.
Anywho... I pulled up and when I got done filling my car up with gas the guy in front of me came walking out of the gas station with what looked like a 78 oz. cup of pop, and a bag of snacks and crap... I thought, "good, he'll pull out and I will follow." Evidently so did the guy behind me and consequently he pulled up right behind me, the guy behind him did the same, and so, on and so on. There were now 4 cars right on my ass waiting on me to move.
Low and behold the dumb ass who had spent, at least, the time it takes to fill up two cars in the store, starts pumping his gas. WTF! Why wasn't he pumping gas when he was in the store (and don't give me that prepay crap, because I watched him slide his card into the pump)? There was a car at the pump next to him so it did not look like I could squeeze through in order to clear my space for the car behind me. And, since the 4 cars behind me had pulled right up on my ass I couldn't back out. I was stuck.
So, I waited while this guy sat in his truck and pumped gas.
Finally his pump shut off, he was full. Now we could get moving. But wait... now what's this sonofabitch doing... he's cleaning his windshield. Why the f*** couldn't he have done that while his truck was filling up. WTFnF!
My temper now boiling, I ordered my wife to fold in the mirror. I was going through. And, that's just what I did, with about 3 inches to spare on each side, of the car. Now while I was carefully sliding between this dumb f***s car and the one next to him I looked over at him and he gave me a look like I was some inconsiderate asshole. To which I told him...
nothing.
Absolutely nothing. In fact I turned away when he glared at me, acting as if I didn't see him.
And that is where Mark DeMoss and his friends have inspired me. Just like their project to demand civility out of society, I will demand consideration from society in an uncivil way. In other words, I am not going to let that shit slide anymore. Because I am a devout believer in the Inconsiderate Asshole Project.
I will no longer sit passively while I watch motherf***ers like gas pump guy be the inconsiderate assholes that they are.
Nope, from now on they are gonna hear from me. I'm sick as shit of their inconsiderate ways, their lack of common sense, and their inability to just be decent. So, watch the f*** out.
Next time at the gas pump this is how it's gonna play out - Gas pump guy gets out to clean his windshield after holding everyone up for about 10 minutes so he can do his own thing. Fed up I decide to drive between him and the car next to him. He shoots me a dirty look. I roll down my window and say, "you wanna know why the f*** I'm doing this sh!thead. Look behind me... we've all been waiting on your dumb ass to move so we get our gas and get the f*** outta here. Instead of taking your sweet time to piss and get your snacks, gas, and clean your window, why don't you do this... pull up to the pump, start pumping gas, clean your windshield while the pump is doing it's thing, and then pull into a parking space and to piss and get your f***ing snacks. Doesn't that make more sense you INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE!
America be warned. The Inconsiderate Asshole Project in ON and we're watching you!
http://www.civilityproject.org/
Mark, along with a Jewish guy, and a couple of people that have worked for the current and past presidents and who are all fed up with lack of civilness in which we treat each other are asking us, as a society, to be civil in our public discourse and behavior, be respectful of others whether or not we agree with them, and to stand against incivility when we see it.
While I admire the nobility of such a project, (because, god knows, most people are dickheads) I think it could use a little Slap Hand to push it over the top. Therefore I am launching my own project:
THE INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE PROJECT
First of all... a little background on this subject. This past weekend on my way back to OKC I stopped at one of those "center of the turnpike" restaurant/gas station combos where I found cars lined up 3 and 4 deep to get gas. After several minutes of waiting my turn I arrived at the pump.
Let me paint this scene for you... the gas station had two pumps in a row. I pulled up to the second pump, so there was a guy in front of me that I would not be able to pass unless he moved. I had allowed the car at the pump prior to my pulling in to back out because the person in front of them was not in their car. In other words he was using the pump space as a parking space while he was inside getting snacks, pissin, or doing something inside the station.
Anywho... I pulled up and when I got done filling my car up with gas the guy in front of me came walking out of the gas station with what looked like a 78 oz. cup of pop, and a bag of snacks and crap... I thought, "good, he'll pull out and I will follow." Evidently so did the guy behind me and consequently he pulled up right behind me, the guy behind him did the same, and so, on and so on. There were now 4 cars right on my ass waiting on me to move.
Low and behold the dumb ass who had spent, at least, the time it takes to fill up two cars in the store, starts pumping his gas. WTF! Why wasn't he pumping gas when he was in the store (and don't give me that prepay crap, because I watched him slide his card into the pump)? There was a car at the pump next to him so it did not look like I could squeeze through in order to clear my space for the car behind me. And, since the 4 cars behind me had pulled right up on my ass I couldn't back out. I was stuck.
So, I waited while this guy sat in his truck and pumped gas.
Finally his pump shut off, he was full. Now we could get moving. But wait... now what's this sonofabitch doing... he's cleaning his windshield. Why the f*** couldn't he have done that while his truck was filling up. WTFnF!
My temper now boiling, I ordered my wife to fold in the mirror. I was going through. And, that's just what I did, with about 3 inches to spare on each side, of the car. Now while I was carefully sliding between this dumb f***s car and the one next to him I looked over at him and he gave me a look like I was some inconsiderate asshole. To which I told him...
nothing.
Absolutely nothing. In fact I turned away when he glared at me, acting as if I didn't see him.
And that is where Mark DeMoss and his friends have inspired me. Just like their project to demand civility out of society, I will demand consideration from society in an uncivil way. In other words, I am not going to let that shit slide anymore. Because I am a devout believer in the Inconsiderate Asshole Project.
I will no longer sit passively while I watch motherf***ers like gas pump guy be the inconsiderate assholes that they are.
Nope, from now on they are gonna hear from me. I'm sick as shit of their inconsiderate ways, their lack of common sense, and their inability to just be decent. So, watch the f*** out.
Next time at the gas pump this is how it's gonna play out - Gas pump guy gets out to clean his windshield after holding everyone up for about 10 minutes so he can do his own thing. Fed up I decide to drive between him and the car next to him. He shoots me a dirty look. I roll down my window and say, "you wanna know why the f*** I'm doing this sh!thead. Look behind me... we've all been waiting on your dumb ass to move so we get our gas and get the f*** outta here. Instead of taking your sweet time to piss and get your snacks, gas, and clean your window, why don't you do this... pull up to the pump, start pumping gas, clean your windshield while the pump is doing it's thing, and then pull into a parking space and to piss and get your f***ing snacks. Doesn't that make more sense you INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE!
America be warned. The Inconsiderate Asshole Project in ON and we're watching you!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Suspecious Death
And, not because she may have been on drugs.
http://movies.yahoo.com/photos/collections/gallery/2291/brittany-murphy-19772009/fp#iinfo
Let me just throw this out there...
I think Tiger Woods had Brittany Murphy killed.
You are the richest sports celebrity in the world... the first Billionaire sports figure. You could do that, you could have someone whacked. The last few weeks have been utter hell on you. The press is all over you like like one of your whores. They've torn your life apart. So there you are sittin' on your yacht "Privacy" off some private island, thinking... "What the hell just happen. A few weeks ago I was just living my life with my wife and kids and banging about 57 chicks on the side and now... I'm the dick. What'd I do? Now, how can I get these clowns to quit diggin' through my life before they find some real dirt on me... like about the HGH I take and the fact that I like to dress like a school girl and have my bitches spank me, and the real serious shit, like, I don't really drink Gatorade. I remember back earlier this summer everyone was freaking out about the swine flu and then Dom Deluise (see "swine who" post) died and everyone forgot all about the Swine flu... Do I know any B rate actors..."
And the rest is history.
OK, maybe it didn't happen like that, but when everyone else was saying, "oh my god Brittany Murphy died," Tiger was saying, "oh thank god Brittany Murphy died."
http://movies.yahoo.com/photos/collections/gallery/2291/brittany-murphy-19772009/fp#iinfo
Let me just throw this out there...
I think Tiger Woods had Brittany Murphy killed.
You are the richest sports celebrity in the world... the first Billionaire sports figure. You could do that, you could have someone whacked. The last few weeks have been utter hell on you. The press is all over you like like one of your whores. They've torn your life apart. So there you are sittin' on your yacht "Privacy" off some private island, thinking... "What the hell just happen. A few weeks ago I was just living my life with my wife and kids and banging about 57 chicks on the side and now... I'm the dick. What'd I do? Now, how can I get these clowns to quit diggin' through my life before they find some real dirt on me... like about the HGH I take and the fact that I like to dress like a school girl and have my bitches spank me, and the real serious shit, like, I don't really drink Gatorade. I remember back earlier this summer everyone was freaking out about the swine flu and then Dom Deluise (see "swine who" post) died and everyone forgot all about the Swine flu... Do I know any B rate actors..."
And the rest is history.
OK, maybe it didn't happen like that, but when everyone else was saying, "oh my god Brittany Murphy died," Tiger was saying, "oh thank god Brittany Murphy died."
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Top 5 Predictions for the Century
I recently read an article about how Richard Branson will begin offering flights to space for the low dollar price of $200,000 a seat... for 5 minutes of weightlessness (that's 40 thou a minute, ouch) which lead me to this article...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews_deca/ynews_deca_ts1011
... which got me to thinking about predictions for the rest of the century and figured, what the hell;
TOP 5 PREDICTIONS FOR THE REST OF THE CENTURY - by BHanDaMan
1. I will not have the opportunity (translation: be able to afford) to travel in space... but my kids will. I figure by the time my kids are 50, which would put us around 2050, they will be able to afford and still be in good enough shape to take a trip in space... I'd be 76... still kicking but no spring chicken, probably living on a defunct social security system and a shitty 401K. I'll need to buy my meds before I can afford to fly off into the depths of space. So, I'll probably miss out on this one.
2. Pretty much nothing will change with world government in the next 90 years. And, let me explain why. Anybody who is smart enough and carismatic enough to change the path of our government, let alone, the worlds governments is smart enough and carismatic enough to not want to put themselves under that much strain and stress. Someone like that is smart enough to go work for some corporation, where even if the f#$% up they still get a $100 million dollar severance package. As a world leader all you get is shit from the press, the other party, and probably your wife for never being around.
I mean just look at our world leaders today. They spend as much time trying to save face in the public eye as they do trying to solve problems. People lack the will and/or are just to stubborn to change.
For example, when our current President wanted to go on TV and talk to kids about education there were parents going ape shit all over this country. As if the President was gonna talk about worshiping Satan or try to tell our kids to go home and kill the family dog or something... I mean seriously, all he wanted to do was talk about the importance of an education in the lives of our youth and you'd think he was gonna have sex with a horse on TV the way people reacted.
And as for there being one secular government to rule the whole world. Not in this century. Not unless there is some cataclysmic event that brings everyone together for a common cause. However, this common cause would have to be something that didn't destroy the world but would still get everyones attention, cause lets face it, if a big 'ol asteroid hits earth and all hell breaks loose... then it's Thunderdome baby... two men enter, one man leaves.
The only thing that comes to mind is a visit from a ultra intelligent space entity that tells us to get our shit together or they'll blow us to bits, like the Day the Earth Stood Still.
I mean seriously, we can't even get together to work on civil rights, global warming, or even find some guy in a desert that everyone knows is responsible for the deaths of almost 3000 people. If we can't get together on these things how are we supposed to overlook all our other differences and unite under one common government. Again, not in this century.
3. There will be flying cars, but you are too dumb to get a license for them, nor can you afford it, nor would I want your dumb ass flying over my house. This seems to be a common want for people in the future. Can you picture that dumb ass that can't manage to stay between two lines or the prick that cut you off this morning in a car... that flies... seriously, would you want that?
However, there will be flying cars, its inevitable, just because people want them, but a special license will be required to fly one and it will be even harder to get then a current pilots license. It just won't make sense for the everyday-man or woman to have one and be flying all over hell and gone doing god knows what over my house and kids playground.
I do think there will be some sort of flying train or ferry or something that gets people across cities and from town to town... I could see something like that.; like a bus route in the sky. We won't have to clear land to make tracks... we'll commute on predetermined and scheduled skyways. But for the everyday man and woman, piloting a flying car is not in our future so we might as well enjoy the scene from our car window cause that's as good as it's gonna get.
4. The greatest leaps in science and technology will be made in the medical fields. In the next 90 years the leaps and advances in the medical fields will be the things most remembered in the century. I foresee cures for cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and many more. I also see the invention of super vitamins that make us smarter and stronger. I see pills that burn fat, create muscle, improve complexions and grow hair. We'll be able to grow body parts; skin, hearts, muscle tissue, etc. We'll live longer and be pains in our parents asses for a long, long time
I also think in the future that kids will be implanted with a chip that keeps their family and their own medical history on it and it will alert them when there is a potential problem with their body. "beep, beep... your fat ass is about to have a heart attack."
In 2099 the advances in medicine over the past century will be the talk of the town.
5. Three words; Computer Body Implants. Ahh, yes. In the next 90 years you will be fitted with a CBI... Computer Body Implants. Much like your desktop you have now your CBI can be used for you to dictate a term paper, surf the Internet, figure your bills, and for all types of communication. Special glasses and/or contacts will allow you to see a virtual screen (think Teminator) and movements of the CBI implants in your fingers, feet, and tongue will allow you to control your processes. Cell phones, PDA's, laptops, et all will be obsolete. Apples version will even come with a little apple tattoo that you place on your skin, like a piece of tape, that imprints a permanent tattoo onto your skin. You heard it here first.
Check back here in 2099 and see if I got anything right... use your CBI to access me at slaphand.blogspot.com.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews_deca/ynews_deca_ts1011
... which got me to thinking about predictions for the rest of the century and figured, what the hell;
TOP 5 PREDICTIONS FOR THE REST OF THE CENTURY - by BHanDaMan
1. I will not have the opportunity (translation: be able to afford) to travel in space... but my kids will. I figure by the time my kids are 50, which would put us around 2050, they will be able to afford and still be in good enough shape to take a trip in space... I'd be 76... still kicking but no spring chicken, probably living on a defunct social security system and a shitty 401K. I'll need to buy my meds before I can afford to fly off into the depths of space. So, I'll probably miss out on this one.
2. Pretty much nothing will change with world government in the next 90 years. And, let me explain why. Anybody who is smart enough and carismatic enough to change the path of our government, let alone, the worlds governments is smart enough and carismatic enough to not want to put themselves under that much strain and stress. Someone like that is smart enough to go work for some corporation, where even if the f#$% up they still get a $100 million dollar severance package. As a world leader all you get is shit from the press, the other party, and probably your wife for never being around.
I mean just look at our world leaders today. They spend as much time trying to save face in the public eye as they do trying to solve problems. People lack the will and/or are just to stubborn to change.
For example, when our current President wanted to go on TV and talk to kids about education there were parents going ape shit all over this country. As if the President was gonna talk about worshiping Satan or try to tell our kids to go home and kill the family dog or something... I mean seriously, all he wanted to do was talk about the importance of an education in the lives of our youth and you'd think he was gonna have sex with a horse on TV the way people reacted.
And as for there being one secular government to rule the whole world. Not in this century. Not unless there is some cataclysmic event that brings everyone together for a common cause. However, this common cause would have to be something that didn't destroy the world but would still get everyones attention, cause lets face it, if a big 'ol asteroid hits earth and all hell breaks loose... then it's Thunderdome baby... two men enter, one man leaves.
The only thing that comes to mind is a visit from a ultra intelligent space entity that tells us to get our shit together or they'll blow us to bits, like the Day the Earth Stood Still.
I mean seriously, we can't even get together to work on civil rights, global warming, or even find some guy in a desert that everyone knows is responsible for the deaths of almost 3000 people. If we can't get together on these things how are we supposed to overlook all our other differences and unite under one common government. Again, not in this century.
3. There will be flying cars, but you are too dumb to get a license for them, nor can you afford it, nor would I want your dumb ass flying over my house. This seems to be a common want for people in the future. Can you picture that dumb ass that can't manage to stay between two lines or the prick that cut you off this morning in a car... that flies... seriously, would you want that?
However, there will be flying cars, its inevitable, just because people want them, but a special license will be required to fly one and it will be even harder to get then a current pilots license. It just won't make sense for the everyday-man or woman to have one and be flying all over hell and gone doing god knows what over my house and kids playground.
I do think there will be some sort of flying train or ferry or something that gets people across cities and from town to town... I could see something like that.; like a bus route in the sky. We won't have to clear land to make tracks... we'll commute on predetermined and scheduled skyways. But for the everyday man and woman, piloting a flying car is not in our future so we might as well enjoy the scene from our car window cause that's as good as it's gonna get.
4. The greatest leaps in science and technology will be made in the medical fields. In the next 90 years the leaps and advances in the medical fields will be the things most remembered in the century. I foresee cures for cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and many more. I also see the invention of super vitamins that make us smarter and stronger. I see pills that burn fat, create muscle, improve complexions and grow hair. We'll be able to grow body parts; skin, hearts, muscle tissue, etc. We'll live longer and be pains in our parents asses for a long, long time
I also think in the future that kids will be implanted with a chip that keeps their family and their own medical history on it and it will alert them when there is a potential problem with their body. "beep, beep... your fat ass is about to have a heart attack."
In 2099 the advances in medicine over the past century will be the talk of the town.
5. Three words; Computer Body Implants. Ahh, yes. In the next 90 years you will be fitted with a CBI... Computer Body Implants. Much like your desktop you have now your CBI can be used for you to dictate a term paper, surf the Internet, figure your bills, and for all types of communication. Special glasses and/or contacts will allow you to see a virtual screen (think Teminator) and movements of the CBI implants in your fingers, feet, and tongue will allow you to control your processes. Cell phones, PDA's, laptops, et all will be obsolete. Apples version will even come with a little apple tattoo that you place on your skin, like a piece of tape, that imprints a permanent tattoo onto your skin. You heard it here first.
Check back here in 2099 and see if I got anything right... use your CBI to access me at slaphand.blogspot.com.
Tiger
Give up.
http://www.tmz.com/
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20325232,00.html?xid=rss-fullcontentcnn
http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/12/04/tiger.woods.role.model/index.html#cnnSTCText
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/joe_posnanski/12/04/tiger.woods/index.html
The strangest thing happened last night... I got a call from Tiger Woods. I wasn't home but he left me a message.
Hey
It's uh...
It's Tiger
I need you to do me a huge favor.
Um...
Can you
please
uh...
please erase your memory for the last 11 days
my wife is pissed
and
uh
she basically wants everyone to erase those days
she
may be
calling you.
So if you can
please
just erase your memory.
And um.
What do you call it?
Just fill the void with pleasant memories of me and my hot wife together
happily.
Just have it as your new memory.
OK?
You got to do this for me.
Huge.
Quickly.
All right.
Bye.
It was quite weird.
Seriously dude... just give up. At last count you've slept with a third of the women in the U.S. and a few chicks in Dubai. You've slept with more chicks then Serta. If the press keeps digging they'll probably find my wife's name for Christ sake.
I always thought eventually Nike would name a series of clubs after you, little did I know it would be your Johnson... "Tigers Wood... women love it... men want to swing it!"
You've laid more pipe than AT&T.
You've gotten more ass than a proctologist.
You should change your name from Tiger to Cheetah.
Now your mother-in-law appears to have been taken to the hospital... from your house. WTF. (Please don't have slept with her)
Dude, just give up.
If this keeps up they'll discover you beat baby seals and sell crack cocaine... that you hate kids and occasionally have straddled the fence... with a midget... and his mother. Eventually they will twist it so that you suck at golf. It will happen.
And your wife. She's pretty hot, but I guess it just goes to show you... no matter how hot they are there is someone out there who is sick and tired of their shit.
Seriously... give up.
http://www.tmz.com/
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20325232,00.html?xid=rss-fullcontentcnn
http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/12/04/tiger.woods.role.model/index.html#cnnSTCText
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/joe_posnanski/12/04/tiger.woods/index.html
The strangest thing happened last night... I got a call from Tiger Woods. I wasn't home but he left me a message.
Hey
It's uh...
It's Tiger
I need you to do me a huge favor.
Um...
Can you
please
uh...
please erase your memory for the last 11 days
my wife is pissed
and
uh
she basically wants everyone to erase those days
she
may be
calling you.
So if you can
please
just erase your memory.
And um.
What do you call it?
Just fill the void with pleasant memories of me and my hot wife together
happily.
Just have it as your new memory.
OK?
You got to do this for me.
Huge.
Quickly.
All right.
Bye.
It was quite weird.
Seriously dude... just give up. At last count you've slept with a third of the women in the U.S. and a few chicks in Dubai. You've slept with more chicks then Serta. If the press keeps digging they'll probably find my wife's name for Christ sake.
I always thought eventually Nike would name a series of clubs after you, little did I know it would be your Johnson... "Tigers Wood... women love it... men want to swing it!"
You've laid more pipe than AT&T.
You've gotten more ass than a proctologist.
You should change your name from Tiger to Cheetah.
Now your mother-in-law appears to have been taken to the hospital... from your house. WTF. (Please don't have slept with her)
Dude, just give up.
If this keeps up they'll discover you beat baby seals and sell crack cocaine... that you hate kids and occasionally have straddled the fence... with a midget... and his mother. Eventually they will twist it so that you suck at golf. It will happen.
And your wife. She's pretty hot, but I guess it just goes to show you... no matter how hot they are there is someone out there who is sick and tired of their shit.
Seriously... give up.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Fat Judd is Not Happy
Shortly after the Country Music Awards show earlier this week country legend (and I use that term loosely) Wynonna Judd has stated that Taylor Swift--who won several CMA awards and the evenings top honor, Entertainer of the Year--is nowhere near ready for so much success.
http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/vivanashvegas/5728/wynonna-too-soon-for-taylors-win/
Wow, that color of envy sure makes Wynonna look fat... what you say, oh that's just her face... my bad.
I mean seriously can Taylor Swift catch a break, first Kayne West steals her thunder at MTV Video Music Awards and now the ugly Judd is dissing her after the CMA's. It's not like she won the lifetime achievement award... she won ENTERTAINER of the YEAR.
Name another country artist, male or female, that has ENTERTAINED you and has received as much attention in the past YEAR as Swift. Brad Paisley and Kenny Chesney are the two that come closest and neither of them have had the success that Swift has garnered.
Here are just a few points to mention:
- Neither Paisley nor Chesney cross genre's the way Swift has... she is as popular a pop artist as she is a country artist.
- Neither of them appeal to as broad of age spectrum as Swift.
- Neither of them have hosted Saturday Night Live or been on the countless shows and specials that Swift has this past year
- Swift opened the CMT Music Awards by doing a song with T-Pain, if you can believe that. She's also performed at the CMT Awards, and MTV VMA's
- Swift did a CMT Crossroads special with Def Leppard for Christ sake. Def Leppard... when they were big she was, well, she wasn't even born. And now she's singing with them.
- Swift is everywhere. She's been on the View, Dateline, and in a Hannah Montana movie... she's even been on CSI.
- Every magazine at the grocery store has a picture of her in it right now.
She has been country's most visible face for the past year, behind her is Carrie Underwood, whom I am sure Wynonna would bitch about too, because she's young and hasn't had to work as hard either to get where she is today. Which is funny, cause I don't recall seeing anything that says you had to drive a tractor, be raised in a barn, get beat by your father or be married to a trucker to earn the Entertainer of the Year Award. I think it just says you need to sing country music and be really entertaining... for a year.
And, speaking of Wynonna... if your fat ass doesn't like it then do something about it. I can't recall your last hit, and can't recall any hit when your momma wasn't helping you out. And your mom is hot... your sister is hot... what happened to you?
You look like you got dropped as a child, became depressed and ate everything in the house.... for most of your life.
You look like a wet, leather bag full of lard.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not some pervy, over age, Taylor Swift fan... OK, maybe I'm a little pervy, it's just that I hate ugly. And, Wynonna is ugly, and, seemingly, a little jealous.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Stoopid Idea; Hiking in Iraq
Iran recently announced it would charge three American hikers with espionage for accidentally crossing the Iranian border while hiking in Iraqi Kurdistan.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/11/09/iran.hikers/index.html
Don't get me wrong here, I do not believe that the three Americans the Iranians have detained are spies. I whole heartily believe they are merely serving as pawns to be used as leverage against the American government to get whatever it is that the Iranian government wants; be it prisoner exchange, nuclear regulatory relaxations, international recognition, etc. But, there is something that needs to be said to the hikers.
What the F#&% were you thinking.
There are a few places in the world that Americans should probably not go for their own safety; a Somali cruise, any Congonese back road bike ride, a stroll through a North Korean market for some tomatoes, a leisurely walk through the slums of Brazil, and hiking along the Iranian border.
First of all, there are lots of places to go hiking that are a hell of a lot safer than Iraq and Iran. To Everest and back for one. I don't care if it is the cradle of civilazation... it sure the hell ain't civilized now.
Second, you're parents have made it well known that you are well versed in Iraqi culture and religions and that you are, for lack of a better word, "worldly." But, you must also understand how these other cultures see you, not just how you see these other cultures. They do not always see a sympathetic, innocent, worldly hiker... they sometimes just see an American. And, no matter how you act or feel, nor the being that you are can change what that label, "American" means to some people.
You're educated, you're familiar with the region, the political situations, the wars, but in addition to that you should have damn well known that you are Americans too, and what being an American can mean to others.
As an avid hiker I am always aware of my surroundings. If in Moab, on slick rock, I know the dangers of flash flooding, slippage, extreme heat, and what a lack of water can do to you. If hiking in Colorado I check the weather and know the area I'll be in. If hiking around a new lake in Tennessee I make sure to stay out of creepy banjo playin towns. And, if I were hiking along the Iraqi / Iranian border I'd damn sure know where it was. But, you know what... I wouldn't even be hiking in Iraq, it just ain't worth it right now, I don't care if they are trying to boost their tourism(http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20091111/lf_afp/iraqtourismtravelbritain_20091111105208).
Is it your fault you are being detained and charged for espionage in Iran... absolutely not (unless you really are spies). Will you eventually get out of Iranian prison... probably so, after much political mumbo jumbo and leveraging. Should you have known where the hell your were hiking... yes, you most certainly should have. Will you be wiser for the ordeal... hopefully.
one last thing... it's called a GPS, invest!
http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/11/09/iran.hikers/index.html
Don't get me wrong here, I do not believe that the three Americans the Iranians have detained are spies. I whole heartily believe they are merely serving as pawns to be used as leverage against the American government to get whatever it is that the Iranian government wants; be it prisoner exchange, nuclear regulatory relaxations, international recognition, etc. But, there is something that needs to be said to the hikers.
What the F#&% were you thinking.
There are a few places in the world that Americans should probably not go for their own safety; a Somali cruise, any Congonese back road bike ride, a stroll through a North Korean market for some tomatoes, a leisurely walk through the slums of Brazil, and hiking along the Iranian border.
First of all, there are lots of places to go hiking that are a hell of a lot safer than Iraq and Iran. To Everest and back for one. I don't care if it is the cradle of civilazation... it sure the hell ain't civilized now.
Second, you're parents have made it well known that you are well versed in Iraqi culture and religions and that you are, for lack of a better word, "worldly." But, you must also understand how these other cultures see you, not just how you see these other cultures. They do not always see a sympathetic, innocent, worldly hiker... they sometimes just see an American. And, no matter how you act or feel, nor the being that you are can change what that label, "American" means to some people.
You're educated, you're familiar with the region, the political situations, the wars, but in addition to that you should have damn well known that you are Americans too, and what being an American can mean to others.
As an avid hiker I am always aware of my surroundings. If in Moab, on slick rock, I know the dangers of flash flooding, slippage, extreme heat, and what a lack of water can do to you. If hiking in Colorado I check the weather and know the area I'll be in. If hiking around a new lake in Tennessee I make sure to stay out of creepy banjo playin towns. And, if I were hiking along the Iraqi / Iranian border I'd damn sure know where it was. But, you know what... I wouldn't even be hiking in Iraq, it just ain't worth it right now, I don't care if they are trying to boost their tourism(http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20091111/lf_afp/iraqtourismtravelbritain_20091111105208).
Is it your fault you are being detained and charged for espionage in Iran... absolutely not (unless you really are spies). Will you eventually get out of Iranian prison... probably so, after much political mumbo jumbo and leveraging. Should you have known where the hell your were hiking... yes, you most certainly should have. Will you be wiser for the ordeal... hopefully.
one last thing... it's called a GPS, invest!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Top 5 Moments in Music History I Wish I Could Have Been There For
Listed below are the Top 5 moments in Music History that I wish I could have attended.
1. Sun Studios, July 5th, 1954 - Elvis Presley lays down "That's All Right."
While many consider Fats Domino (1949 - Early 50's) to be the first rock 'n' roll performer and "Rocket 88" by Jackie Brenson (March 5, 1951) to be the first rock 'n' roll hit, I don't think rock 'n' roll became what it is until Elvis Aaron Presley picked up a guitar and started swingin his hips in the early 50's. Influenced by country music and early rhythm and blues music, Elvis quickly launched a career singing rockabilly -- a fusion of the two styles -- the rest is KING of rock 'n' roll history.
Where and When - On July 5, 1954 Elvis, while on recording session break at Sun Studios in Memphis, TN, began fooling around with Arthur Crudup's, "That's All Right (Mama)." Sun City Records boss, Sam Phillips liked what he heard, quickly got the band back in the studio and laid down Elvis' first rock 'n' roll hit. I would have liked to been there for that.
2. Hill Valley, CA, November 12th, 1955 - Marty McFly performs at the Hill Valley High Enchantment Under the Sea dance.
After traveling back through time Marty McFly (who also used the name Calvin Klein) performed with Marvin Barry and the Starlighters after their lead singer and guitar player sliced his hand open while trying to free Marty from the trunk of their car after he was thrown in there by some of the town bullies. At first the band was going to cancel their second set due to the injury but McFly, who knew how to play guitar, stepped in and the show went on.
The crowd loved the second set and, at Marvins urging, McFly agreed to "play an oldie... where he was from." McFly started the rif and the band quickly joined in on a rendition of the now infamous "Johnny B. Good." Marvin picked up the phone and called his cousin Chuck Berry to hear what was being played. Chuck loved it and covered the song in later years which became one of rock 'n' rolls biggest hits ever.
Where and When - I would have loved to be at that dance to hear the inception of one of rocks most notable songs... dancing in the crowd with a pretty girl amongst the other Hill Valley students. In fact there was one girl there that I found very attractive; Lorraine Baines, oh she was hot.
What... this didn't really happen? WTF (Maybe later I'll do a Top 5 Imaginary Bands... stay tuned)
OK, the real 2. The Apollo, August 16-22, 1956 - Buddy Holly and the Crickets performed before all black audiences.
Due to Buddy Holly's rockabilly mixed with R&B sound, Holly and his band were thought to be black by those who only heard them. In 1956, they traveled with black artists and performed at predominantly black theaters like the Apollo in New York and the Howard in Washington, D.C. The Apollo audience was indifferent at first. But on the third day there, the Crickets started with a "Bo Diddley" song which thrilled the crowd.
Buddy Holly had only scratched the surface of his potential during his career that was cut short by his untimely death in a plane crash on February 4th, 1959 while flying from Clear Lake, IA to Fargo, ND for a concert.
Where and When - I'd have liked to have been at the concert on that third day to hear, not only Holly, but Richie Valens, The Big Bopper and others. The early history of rock 'n' roll was truly a special time in music
The Monterey Pops Festival was a 3 day show held smack dab in the middle of the Summer of Love. Due to Paul McCartney's prompting, the organizers of the Monterey Pop Festival signed The Jimi Hendrix Experience to play on the final night of the show. Not to be outdone by Peter Townsends guitar smashing finish of The Who's set. Hendrix, during his final song, "Wild Thing,"set his guitar on fire then flung it around the stage smashing it to bits.
Where and When - Unlike Woodstocks 500,000 attendees a couple of years later, Monterey had only about 10,000 for Hendrix's Sunday night performance. Couple that with the fact that this was Hendrix's breakout performance and throw in The Who, Simon and Garfunkel, Janis Joplin, The Steve Miller Band, Otis Redding, The Greatful Dead and the Mama's and the Papa's; the Monterey Pops Festival would have been one hell of an incredible show.
5. Culver City sound stage August 17th, 1991 - Nirvana films "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video.
I think it is safe to say that "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was the angst video of my Generation. I was 20 in '91 and being twenty, I was young, dumb, and full of... angst. The song was already great, seriously, I played it so much I actually had to buy a second CD, because I carted the first one around so much it became scratched beyond playability. However it was the video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that made it legendary. It became the anthem for the apathetic kids of Generation X... of which I was.
Unlike my previous events this wasn't a concert. It was the making of a video which says a lot about how music has changed over the years. The video is based on a school pep rally that ultimately ends in anarchy.
Where and When - Let me set the scene for you. Like many videos of the day, Nirvana sent out notice that anyone that wanted to be in the video could come to Culver City, sit in, and be a part of history... I would have loved to been there. So now you got hundreds of Nirvana fans forced to sit in this HOT studio listening to literally dozens of replays of the song for several hours while the band lip synced to the music. Needless to say, they became restless.
Originally a few actors were going to be filmed tearing up the pep rally set and the bands gear in the video. But at Kurt Cobain's suggestion the director allowed the audience to have wild with it; the demolition of the set captured in the video's conclusion was the result of genuine discontent. The director tried to get control of the situation but according to Cobain, "the audience sort of had a 'fuck you' attitude by that point," and couldn't be stopped.
Now that is grunge!
Just so you know here is a short list of the top musical events I actually attended.
1. Lollapalooza 1992, New Orleans: Red Hot Chili Peppers headlined, but it was Ministry that stole the show. It rained that morning and by afternoon we were standing in 8 inches of mud... somewhere out in that field, in front of the stage, is a pair of Teva's, buried in the dirt and a Cubs hat.
2. Motley Crue Concert - Wichita, Kansas 1987: The concert was good, but what made it memoriable was the chick behind me who kept flashing her tits. At 16 that's awesome... hell, at 38 that's awesome.
3. R.E.M. Concert - Kansas City - 1989: I was a senior in high school and my parents let me stay in Kansas City with a friends family. Or, so they thought. My buddies and I went to the concert with our girlfriends and then ran amuck in Kansas City... we broke into an old abandoned hospital and scared ourselves shitless looking for the morgue. We slept in our cars and then drove home the next day.
4. The Little Bear - Evergreen, CO - 1994-2001 - any Friday or Saturday Night: There was always some awesome, no one you'd remember R&B, Folk, or blues band playing. The place was packed and the atmosphere was awesome.
5. Harry Connick Jr - Kansas City - Starlight Theater 1991: Took a date, had a nice dinner, a great concert and then... well, lets just say it was memorable.
That's it... Elvis has left the building.
1. Sun Studios, July 5th, 1954 - Elvis Presley lays down "That's All Right."
While many consider Fats Domino (1949 - Early 50's) to be the first rock 'n' roll performer and "Rocket 88" by Jackie Brenson (March 5, 1951) to be the first rock 'n' roll hit, I don't think rock 'n' roll became what it is until Elvis Aaron Presley picked up a guitar and started swingin his hips in the early 50's. Influenced by country music and early rhythm and blues music, Elvis quickly launched a career singing rockabilly -- a fusion of the two styles -- the rest is KING of rock 'n' roll history.
Where and When - On July 5, 1954 Elvis, while on recording session break at Sun Studios in Memphis, TN, began fooling around with Arthur Crudup's, "That's All Right (Mama)." Sun City Records boss, Sam Phillips liked what he heard, quickly got the band back in the studio and laid down Elvis' first rock 'n' roll hit. I would have liked to been there for that.
2. Hill Valley, CA, November 12th, 1955 - Marty McFly performs at the Hill Valley High Enchantment Under the Sea dance.
After traveling back through time Marty McFly (who also used the name Calvin Klein) performed with Marvin Barry and the Starlighters after their lead singer and guitar player sliced his hand open while trying to free Marty from the trunk of their car after he was thrown in there by some of the town bullies. At first the band was going to cancel their second set due to the injury but McFly, who knew how to play guitar, stepped in and the show went on.
The crowd loved the second set and, at Marvins urging, McFly agreed to "play an oldie... where he was from." McFly started the rif and the band quickly joined in on a rendition of the now infamous "Johnny B. Good." Marvin picked up the phone and called his cousin Chuck Berry to hear what was being played. Chuck loved it and covered the song in later years which became one of rock 'n' rolls biggest hits ever.
Where and When - I would have loved to be at that dance to hear the inception of one of rocks most notable songs... dancing in the crowd with a pretty girl amongst the other Hill Valley students. In fact there was one girl there that I found very attractive; Lorraine Baines, oh she was hot.
What... this didn't really happen? WTF (Maybe later I'll do a Top 5 Imaginary Bands... stay tuned)
OK, the real 2. The Apollo, August 16-22, 1956 - Buddy Holly and the Crickets performed before all black audiences.
Due to Buddy Holly's rockabilly mixed with R&B sound, Holly and his band were thought to be black by those who only heard them. In 1956, they traveled with black artists and performed at predominantly black theaters like the Apollo in New York and the Howard in Washington, D.C. The Apollo audience was indifferent at first. But on the third day there, the Crickets started with a "Bo Diddley" song which thrilled the crowd.
Buddy Holly had only scratched the surface of his potential during his career that was cut short by his untimely death in a plane crash on February 4th, 1959 while flying from Clear Lake, IA to Fargo, ND for a concert.
Where and When - I'd have liked to have been at the concert on that third day to hear, not only Holly, but Richie Valens, The Big Bopper and others. The early history of rock 'n' roll was truly a special time in music
3. The Cavern Club, November 9, 1961 - The day Brian Epstein first heard The Beatles.
Although not The Beatles first concert at The Cavern Club is was their show on November 9, 1961, over a lunch time set, that was the first time Brian Epstein saw the band play. After the set Epstein went back into the dressing room and introduced himself to The Beatles and told them that he had enjoyed their show. Two months later they would sign with Epstein and he would manage them, overseeing their skyrocketing success, until his death in 1967.
Where and When - It sure would have been nice to have a table at the Cavern Club on that fateful day to hear what Epstein had heard that prompted him to pursue and sign The Beatles to a long term contract. It is my humble opinion that The Beatles are the greatest band of all time and to actually be at, what most consider to be, the beginning of their musical career would be absof___inglutly awesome.
4. Monterey Pop Festival, June 18, 1967 - Jimi Hendrix sets his guitar on fire.The Monterey Pops Festival was a 3 day show held smack dab in the middle of the Summer of Love. Due to Paul McCartney's prompting, the organizers of the Monterey Pop Festival signed The Jimi Hendrix Experience to play on the final night of the show. Not to be outdone by Peter Townsends guitar smashing finish of The Who's set. Hendrix, during his final song, "Wild Thing,"set his guitar on fire then flung it around the stage smashing it to bits.
Where and When - Unlike Woodstocks 500,000 attendees a couple of years later, Monterey had only about 10,000 for Hendrix's Sunday night performance. Couple that with the fact that this was Hendrix's breakout performance and throw in The Who, Simon and Garfunkel, Janis Joplin, The Steve Miller Band, Otis Redding, The Greatful Dead and the Mama's and the Papa's; the Monterey Pops Festival would have been one hell of an incredible show.
5. Culver City sound stage August 17th, 1991 - Nirvana films "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video.
I think it is safe to say that "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was the angst video of my Generation. I was 20 in '91 and being twenty, I was young, dumb, and full of... angst. The song was already great, seriously, I played it so much I actually had to buy a second CD, because I carted the first one around so much it became scratched beyond playability. However it was the video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that made it legendary. It became the anthem for the apathetic kids of Generation X... of which I was.
Unlike my previous events this wasn't a concert. It was the making of a video which says a lot about how music has changed over the years. The video is based on a school pep rally that ultimately ends in anarchy.
Where and When - Let me set the scene for you. Like many videos of the day, Nirvana sent out notice that anyone that wanted to be in the video could come to Culver City, sit in, and be a part of history... I would have loved to been there. So now you got hundreds of Nirvana fans forced to sit in this HOT studio listening to literally dozens of replays of the song for several hours while the band lip synced to the music. Needless to say, they became restless.
Originally a few actors were going to be filmed tearing up the pep rally set and the bands gear in the video. But at Kurt Cobain's suggestion the director allowed the audience to have wild with it; the demolition of the set captured in the video's conclusion was the result of genuine discontent. The director tried to get control of the situation but according to Cobain, "the audience sort of had a 'fuck you' attitude by that point," and couldn't be stopped.
Now that is grunge!
Just so you know here is a short list of the top musical events I actually attended.
1. Lollapalooza 1992, New Orleans: Red Hot Chili Peppers headlined, but it was Ministry that stole the show. It rained that morning and by afternoon we were standing in 8 inches of mud... somewhere out in that field, in front of the stage, is a pair of Teva's, buried in the dirt and a Cubs hat.
2. Motley Crue Concert - Wichita, Kansas 1987: The concert was good, but what made it memoriable was the chick behind me who kept flashing her tits. At 16 that's awesome... hell, at 38 that's awesome.
3. R.E.M. Concert - Kansas City - 1989: I was a senior in high school and my parents let me stay in Kansas City with a friends family. Or, so they thought. My buddies and I went to the concert with our girlfriends and then ran amuck in Kansas City... we broke into an old abandoned hospital and scared ourselves shitless looking for the morgue. We slept in our cars and then drove home the next day.
4. The Little Bear - Evergreen, CO - 1994-2001 - any Friday or Saturday Night: There was always some awesome, no one you'd remember R&B, Folk, or blues band playing. The place was packed and the atmosphere was awesome.
5. Harry Connick Jr - Kansas City - Starlight Theater 1991: Took a date, had a nice dinner, a great concert and then... well, lets just say it was memorable.
That's it... Elvis has left the building.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Top 5 Movies I Didn't Actually See in a Theater
I've been trying to go see Zombieland since it hit theaters several weeks ago... I've actually had plans to go with friends and canceled them twice. Which got me to thinking what were the best movies I've ever seen, but not when they were in theaters.
Uno. The Shawshank Redemption - not only one of the best movies I never saw in a theater, but one of the best movies of all time. Not only did I not see it in a theater, I don't recall it ever being in the theater. I don't think anyone ever came up to me and said, "man, you gotta see Shawshank, it's frickin awesome." Just didn't happen. But, I wish they had.
2. The Usual Suspects - Probably one of the best movie endings of all time. I mean can you think of another movie that had you saying, "DAMMNNNN," as much as Suspects did... ok maybe Sixth Sense. But when I saw the Sixth Sense, someone had spilled the ending to me, so it was no surprise. However my wife figured it out half way through the movie and whispered loud enough, "he's dead," for the people behind us to go... "oh yeahhhh."
III. Austin Powers - It looked really dumb. People keep telling me, "you gotta see it, it's hilarious." Just never did, cause I thought it looked stoopid. It wasn't until I caught bits of it on, like TBS, that I thought I might like it. I bought it a few weeks later watched it. Laughed my ass off.
Four. Goodfellas - This movie came out in 1990, I was 19 and just not that into gangster flicks. Now-a-days I could recite this movie word for word. It was awesome. I wish I had more taste back then.
Chanel #. Lord of the Rings 2 and 3 - I just didn't get it. I watched Rings 1 and thought the ending sucked. I hadn't read the books, so I didn't even know it was a trilogy going into it. When it ended I stood up and remember saying aloud... "seriously, that's it." But having since rented 2 and 3 I've really come to like it. Probably won't watch it again, but it was very good once.
In contrast to the above, there have been several movies I have seen that I wish I hadn't paid for. The worst being "Kissed by the Dragon," staring Jet Li and Bridget Fonda. World record bad. In fact, now when I talk with friends about a bad movie I say... "don't go see that, it's been 'kissed by the dragon.'"
Uno. The Shawshank Redemption - not only one of the best movies I never saw in a theater, but one of the best movies of all time. Not only did I not see it in a theater, I don't recall it ever being in the theater. I don't think anyone ever came up to me and said, "man, you gotta see Shawshank, it's frickin awesome." Just didn't happen. But, I wish they had.
2. The Usual Suspects - Probably one of the best movie endings of all time. I mean can you think of another movie that had you saying, "DAMMNNNN," as much as Suspects did... ok maybe Sixth Sense. But when I saw the Sixth Sense, someone had spilled the ending to me, so it was no surprise. However my wife figured it out half way through the movie and whispered loud enough, "he's dead," for the people behind us to go... "oh yeahhhh."
III. Austin Powers - It looked really dumb. People keep telling me, "you gotta see it, it's hilarious." Just never did, cause I thought it looked stoopid. It wasn't until I caught bits of it on, like TBS, that I thought I might like it. I bought it a few weeks later watched it. Laughed my ass off.
Four. Goodfellas - This movie came out in 1990, I was 19 and just not that into gangster flicks. Now-a-days I could recite this movie word for word. It was awesome. I wish I had more taste back then.
Chanel #. Lord of the Rings 2 and 3 - I just didn't get it. I watched Rings 1 and thought the ending sucked. I hadn't read the books, so I didn't even know it was a trilogy going into it. When it ended I stood up and remember saying aloud... "seriously, that's it." But having since rented 2 and 3 I've really come to like it. Probably won't watch it again, but it was very good once.
In contrast to the above, there have been several movies I have seen that I wish I hadn't paid for. The worst being "Kissed by the Dragon," staring Jet Li and Bridget Fonda. World record bad. In fact, now when I talk with friends about a bad movie I say... "don't go see that, it's been 'kissed by the dragon.'"
It's Oscar Time Again
Ok, So the Oscars are really not till March, but it was recently announced that the host will be Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, which got me to thinking; is it me or is the entertainment industry the biggest bunch of self congratulaters known to man.
I mean think about it. You got... (this is off the top of my head, no lookin crap up on the internets); The Oscars, The Emmys, The Golden Globes, The BET Awards, The CMA's, The MTV Movie Awards, The MTV Music Awards, The VMA's, The People's Choice Awards, The American Music Awards, The Grammys... hell they even have awards to give to the worst of things called the Raspberries. I'm sure I'm missing several more too.
Seriously, name another industry that pats itself on the back as much as the entertainment industry. It's like every other week there is a spread in People Magazine of celebrities attending some awards show somewhere. Christ, if my job had that many awards presentations I wouldn't be able to get anything done.
Not only do they celebrate their being every week but they always seem to have to have a 3 1/2 hour show to cram it down our throats that says, "hey, I'm a lot more interesting person than you, I'm good looking, and I'm on TV. You're not, and you pretty much suck. And, I can't believe they are cutting my speech off again I haven't had the chance to thank the kid that walks my dogs on set yet... I'm just going to keep talking over your music... you can't stop me!"
We get it. Acting or singing is really hard. You've had to fight your way to the top. You've had to pay your dues on the way there... but so did the guy that fixed my car last week. And my kids teacher. And, my doctor. And my dad (who busted his but to send me to college). And, the girl who cuts my hair. And, the guy that made my fries at McDonald's last night... ok maybe not that guy, cause I'm pretty sure he was either high or drunk... but still actors and singers are not the only ones that work hard.
Don't get me wrong we all need that pat on the back once in awhile to tell us, "good job, thanks for being here." But seriously, you make millions, you get laid more than a rug, and everyone wants to be your friend... do you really need 20+ award shows to rub our noses in it.
p.s. to this day I think Brad Pitt should have won best supporting actor for 12 Monkeys. Just sayin.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Dew Addict
This is no shit...
Caron Butler, of the Washington Wizards, expresses his addiction for the "neon-yellow rocket fuel," as he calls it.
I called it "kick-start my heart juice."
I too was a Dew addict. And when he explains how hard it was to quit he is not making that crap up; cravings, night sweats, headaches... it's horrendous
For years I'd wake up in the morning and chug a Dew and then chase that with one at lunch and one with dinner and maybe one more before I went to bed. And, these were not 12 oz cans, no I was filling up a 32 oz cup... I figured I was putting a 2-liter away a day.
I came off the juice at the beginning of the summer of 2009 and I can totally emphasize with him, it was like two weeks of hell. I'd crave that shit. My head would start pounding around 10am and just throb all day. I was trying to supplement with green tea, but that's like trying to stop a cannon ball fired at your chest with a Kleenex.
Screw cigarettes, the FDA should be looking into the additives they put in Mt. Dew. I know there are some addictive stimulants in there, hell, maybe cocaine.
Over time I lost about 10 pounds after eradicating the Dew from my diet, however, I don't have the energy level in the mornings that the Dew gave me and I miss it, like a baby misses it's mother.
To this day I still get a craving once in a while. About 3 weeks ago, I broke down, while making a long drive and had one to help me stay awake, I had the shakes for, like, two hours. It's crazy stuff... awesome crazy stuff.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Balloon Boy Bolonga
Not since the swine flu outbreak that was going to kill everybody have I been so enthralled with an internet-centric story... and so let down with it's anticlimactic ending as that of the Balloon Boy of Fort Collins.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091016/ap_on_re_us/us_boy_in_balloon_83
I imagine you were either in an African jungle or outer-space if you did not at least get water cooler talk about Balloon Boy the day after the trip that didn't happen happened.
At approximately 1pm CST I tuned in to CNN to see what was happening in the world... located at the top of the page was a "Breaking News" story... "6 year old boy floating 8000 ft over Colorado."
WTF
From that moment on I was glued to news reports, live webcams, and proximity reports from friends in Colorado for the next several hours. I got sucked in like John Holmes at a porn shoot.
I watched webcam images as Balloon Boys silver saucer drifted across his Colorado backdrop and listened to reports of his brothers telling of his boarding of the craft, of possible rescue means, of altitude readings, of National Guard helicopters and airport closings and airplane diversions... I was on the edge of my seat wondering how cold it was in the craft, how scared this 6 year old boy could be, how well built was this back yard dirigible, how was this going to end.
As the craft started to loose helium I watched in horror as it begin to spin and teeter toter, wondering now if the box on the bottom could stand the stress or if it would break apart sending Balloon Boy on a free fall that would bring certain death.
I became an instant expert on the properties of helium; how the cold affects it, it's lifting properties, as well as Mylar; it's strength, it's weaknesses. I learned of science projects, weather experiments, wife swapping, and even of a balloon crash in China. Anything and everything relative to the story was being shotgunned at us by the media.
I found myself running through a stream of emotions imagining how the parents must have felt watching the same images unfold before their eyes.
As the craft began to drop I wondered what condition the boy would be in, if he was even alive.
And then in an instant the balloon was on the ground and within seconds rescue personnel and media reporters were all over it
What for the love of god was going on!
Then they said it, "the boy was not in the craft."
WTF
After a few hours of what ifs and hows and even a brief moment when a sheriffs deputy claimed to have seen something falling from the craft, did Balloon Boy walk into his parents living room. As it turns out Balloon Boy got the wrong nick name... he should be called Attic Boy.
The kid never got in the gawd damn balloon... Attic Boy had retired to said accommodations after getting in trouble with dad and "napped." He was scarred to come out when her heard people yelling for him thinking he was in trouble.
Again the emotions, "oh thank goodness he's alive... now let's whoop his ass." What a story, what an ending... it was AWESOME. But, wait... it was planned.
Turns out we got dupped; during an interview with balloon/attic boy he makes a commit that "we did this for the show."
Ahhhhh, what show?
You mean to tell me this kid, his wife swappin dad, and rap video mom and brothers (youtube it), concocted this whole show to land a reality TV gig. What kind of sick f$&# messes with mine... and the worlds emotions like that?
Now they are even talking about pressing charges on the Balloon Family and making them pay for the expense the county and various government entities expended chasing balloon boys would be vessel.
But you know what?
It won't matter... the Balloons will get that and more; in book deals, magazine spreads, movies of the week, and perhaps even that treasured reality TV show.
And, you want to know why... because Americans love a train wreck. We love our Octomoms, and Gosselins, we revel in our Biggest Losers and Dancing Stars, we sing with Glee over Survivors and Bachelors and just flat out enjoy real Housewives and real Worlds. We can't get enough of it because we love drama, conflict, and f#$%ed up people. For the same reason you can't drive past a car accident without slowing down and trying to get a peak of catastrophe you can't stop watching the wrecks of reality stars lives.
We're gonna love the Balloons and their wife swappin stories, and domestic violence reports, and their whacked out trio of rappin misfits, and their high school educated meteorology reports and their incessant need to be the center of attention and we're gonna love hearing about thier impending divorce, thier probable sexual abuse and adolescent drug problems... because we're media monkeys. And, that's the banana, er balloon, we want.
p.s. Why is it called "Reality TV?" Reality TV to me would be watching some guy do the same thing for 10 hours, take kids to soccer, then go home, watch some TV and go to bed. It should be called "Surreal TV." Cause that ain't reality for 99% of the U.S.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091016/ap_on_re_us/us_boy_in_balloon_83
I imagine you were either in an African jungle or outer-space if you did not at least get water cooler talk about Balloon Boy the day after the trip that didn't happen happened.
At approximately 1pm CST I tuned in to CNN to see what was happening in the world... located at the top of the page was a "Breaking News" story... "6 year old boy floating 8000 ft over Colorado."
WTF
From that moment on I was glued to news reports, live webcams, and proximity reports from friends in Colorado for the next several hours. I got sucked in like John Holmes at a porn shoot.
I watched webcam images as Balloon Boys silver saucer drifted across his Colorado backdrop and listened to reports of his brothers telling of his boarding of the craft, of possible rescue means, of altitude readings, of National Guard helicopters and airport closings and airplane diversions... I was on the edge of my seat wondering how cold it was in the craft, how scared this 6 year old boy could be, how well built was this back yard dirigible, how was this going to end.
As the craft started to loose helium I watched in horror as it begin to spin and teeter toter, wondering now if the box on the bottom could stand the stress or if it would break apart sending Balloon Boy on a free fall that would bring certain death.
I became an instant expert on the properties of helium; how the cold affects it, it's lifting properties, as well as Mylar; it's strength, it's weaknesses. I learned of science projects, weather experiments, wife swapping, and even of a balloon crash in China. Anything and everything relative to the story was being shotgunned at us by the media.
I found myself running through a stream of emotions imagining how the parents must have felt watching the same images unfold before their eyes.
As the craft began to drop I wondered what condition the boy would be in, if he was even alive.
And then in an instant the balloon was on the ground and within seconds rescue personnel and media reporters were all over it
What for the love of god was going on!
Then they said it, "the boy was not in the craft."
WTF
After a few hours of what ifs and hows and even a brief moment when a sheriffs deputy claimed to have seen something falling from the craft, did Balloon Boy walk into his parents living room. As it turns out Balloon Boy got the wrong nick name... he should be called Attic Boy.
The kid never got in the gawd damn balloon... Attic Boy had retired to said accommodations after getting in trouble with dad and "napped." He was scarred to come out when her heard people yelling for him thinking he was in trouble.
Again the emotions, "oh thank goodness he's alive... now let's whoop his ass." What a story, what an ending... it was AWESOME. But, wait... it was planned.
Turns out we got dupped; during an interview with balloon/attic boy he makes a commit that "we did this for the show."
Ahhhhh, what show?
You mean to tell me this kid, his wife swappin dad, and rap video mom and brothers (youtube it), concocted this whole show to land a reality TV gig. What kind of sick f$&# messes with mine... and the worlds emotions like that?
Now they are even talking about pressing charges on the Balloon Family and making them pay for the expense the county and various government entities expended chasing balloon boys would be vessel.
But you know what?
It won't matter... the Balloons will get that and more; in book deals, magazine spreads, movies of the week, and perhaps even that treasured reality TV show.
And, you want to know why... because Americans love a train wreck. We love our Octomoms, and Gosselins, we revel in our Biggest Losers and Dancing Stars, we sing with Glee over Survivors and Bachelors and just flat out enjoy real Housewives and real Worlds. We can't get enough of it because we love drama, conflict, and f#$%ed up people. For the same reason you can't drive past a car accident without slowing down and trying to get a peak of catastrophe you can't stop watching the wrecks of reality stars lives.
We're gonna love the Balloons and their wife swappin stories, and domestic violence reports, and their whacked out trio of rappin misfits, and their high school educated meteorology reports and their incessant need to be the center of attention and we're gonna love hearing about thier impending divorce, thier probable sexual abuse and adolescent drug problems... because we're media monkeys. And, that's the banana, er balloon, we want.
p.s. Why is it called "Reality TV?" Reality TV to me would be watching some guy do the same thing for 10 hours, take kids to soccer, then go home, watch some TV and go to bed. It should be called "Surreal TV." Cause that ain't reality for 99% of the U.S.
a-haaaaaaa
Pulled from the "why is this news" column... the 80's pop sensation (I use those terms losely) a-ha is calling it quits after a 27 year long run.
http://new.music.yahoo.com/a-ha/news/80s-pop-sensation-a-ha-to-call-it-quits--61995229
Unfortunately this reporter doesn't remember anything this band did after 1986... in fact I had to look through the WWW to see if they even had another hit after "Take on Me." They didn't. So why do I need to know that a Norwegian one U.S. hit wonder is breaking up... I guess to remind me that I was a teenager 20 some odd years ago and just like a-ha I'm getting older.
http://new.music.yahoo.com/a-ha/news/80s-pop-sensation-a-ha-to-call-it-quits--61995229
Unfortunately this reporter doesn't remember anything this band did after 1986... in fact I had to look through the WWW to see if they even had another hit after "Take on Me." They didn't. So why do I need to know that a Norwegian one U.S. hit wonder is breaking up... I guess to remind me that I was a teenager 20 some odd years ago and just like a-ha I'm getting older.
Monday, October 12, 2009
What's Wrong With Us
Seriously, whats wrong with us.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/09/gun.soccer.mom.dead/index.html
The above link tells you about a husband that killed his wife because she was divorcing him. The wife is the "enfamous" gun totting soccer mom; a woman made famous because she carries a loaded sidearm to her childrens soccer games because she is licensed to do so and a judge backs her rights.
There is so much wrong with this story. First, why is there so much of, "man kills wife, then self...," or "man kills wife, kids, then self." When did we as a people begin to think that killing everyone, then ourselves was a solution to anything. At what point does one think... "well, we've yelled at each other, we've fought, she's leaving me, what should I do now, oh, I know, I'll kill her, the kids, then myself. That's the answer." How eff'ed up are you to think that killing your wife and self is going to provide anything constructive to lives of your children, family, and friends.
Don't get me wrong I've been mad at my wife... I've been mad at kids. I've argued with my wife. I've yelled at the kids. I have never thought, "F$%& it, I'm killing everyone." That is a very permanent solution to what is, more than likely, a temporary problem.
What you say, your wife is cheating on you... she doesn't love you anymore... she won't sleep with you anymore... , she's getting banged more than a drum at a Blue Man concert by half the town, she's spent the last six months collecting credit cards in your name and charging porn and S&M shit on them. Well, better kill the bitch... and the kids too.
You see this story over and over and I just don't understand the mentality of an individual that thinks this way... what kind of a MAN thinks this way. So, your wife doesn't love you, that sucks, but you know what... it happens. GET THE F$%& OVER IT! There are 6 billion people on this planet and there is probably someone out there bat shit crazy enough to love your dumb ass despite your shortcomings. In the immortal words of Ellis Boyd "Red" Redding, "Get busy living, or get busy dying."
And, speaking of dying... I am cool with killing yourself. If you are so weak that you think that will help you and everyone else, then by all means, do it. We don't need your soft, dumb ass here anyway... it's just eff'in up the gene pool. But, just because you're a can't hack it piece of crap doesn't mean the wife deserves to die too. She may be a worthless whore but that doesn't give you the right to take her life.
And, why kill the kids. What the hell did they do? This is the most eff'ed up part of these scenarios. Just because you married that skank doesn't mean they need to die too. Give the poor bastards a chance. They are probably going to be some f%&*ed up kids because of you, but they deserve the chance to live their lives and make their own decisions for Christ sake.
Who the hell does this shit?
Well, let me answer my own question. The same man that marries some dumb bitch that thinks its OK to carry a GUN to a little league soccer match.
W !
T !
F ! is wrong with people.
You shouldn't have had your license to carry revoked, you should have been taken out back and had some sense beat into your dumb ass. Carrying a gun to a kids soccer game, COME ON. Wake the F%&# UP. Am I the only one that has a problem with this.
Apperantly not, because someone recended her license to carry.
However, shortly after that some judge, that I hope was not re-elected, then rescinded the revocation and she was allowed to do it all over again. Because of her right to bear arms... because her license says she can, what happened to my rights to feel safe at my kids soccer match? Because she passed a background check, took a half day long course, and passed a test she can now carry a gun around at my kids game. AHHH DAMMNNNNN, What the blankity blank is wrong with us.
We are our own problem... I fear we're just too damn stupid to help ourselves. F$%& it, I'm going home to kill the wife and kids. Goodbye cruel world, uh, scratch that... goodbye dumbasses.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/09/gun.soccer.mom.dead/index.html
The above link tells you about a husband that killed his wife because she was divorcing him. The wife is the "enfamous" gun totting soccer mom; a woman made famous because she carries a loaded sidearm to her childrens soccer games because she is licensed to do so and a judge backs her rights.
There is so much wrong with this story. First, why is there so much of, "man kills wife, then self...," or "man kills wife, kids, then self." When did we as a people begin to think that killing everyone, then ourselves was a solution to anything. At what point does one think... "well, we've yelled at each other, we've fought, she's leaving me, what should I do now, oh, I know, I'll kill her, the kids, then myself. That's the answer." How eff'ed up are you to think that killing your wife and self is going to provide anything constructive to lives of your children, family, and friends.
Don't get me wrong I've been mad at my wife... I've been mad at kids. I've argued with my wife. I've yelled at the kids. I have never thought, "F$%& it, I'm killing everyone." That is a very permanent solution to what is, more than likely, a temporary problem.
What you say, your wife is cheating on you... she doesn't love you anymore... she won't sleep with you anymore... , she's getting banged more than a drum at a Blue Man concert by half the town, she's spent the last six months collecting credit cards in your name and charging porn and S&M shit on them. Well, better kill the bitch... and the kids too.
You see this story over and over and I just don't understand the mentality of an individual that thinks this way... what kind of a MAN thinks this way. So, your wife doesn't love you, that sucks, but you know what... it happens. GET THE F$%& OVER IT! There are 6 billion people on this planet and there is probably someone out there bat shit crazy enough to love your dumb ass despite your shortcomings. In the immortal words of Ellis Boyd "Red" Redding, "Get busy living, or get busy dying."
And, speaking of dying... I am cool with killing yourself. If you are so weak that you think that will help you and everyone else, then by all means, do it. We don't need your soft, dumb ass here anyway... it's just eff'in up the gene pool. But, just because you're a can't hack it piece of crap doesn't mean the wife deserves to die too. She may be a worthless whore but that doesn't give you the right to take her life.
And, why kill the kids. What the hell did they do? This is the most eff'ed up part of these scenarios. Just because you married that skank doesn't mean they need to die too. Give the poor bastards a chance. They are probably going to be some f%&*ed up kids because of you, but they deserve the chance to live their lives and make their own decisions for Christ sake.
Who the hell does this shit?
Well, let me answer my own question. The same man that marries some dumb bitch that thinks its OK to carry a GUN to a little league soccer match.
W !
T !
F ! is wrong with people.
You shouldn't have had your license to carry revoked, you should have been taken out back and had some sense beat into your dumb ass. Carrying a gun to a kids soccer game, COME ON. Wake the F%&# UP. Am I the only one that has a problem with this.
Apperantly not, because someone recended her license to carry.
However, shortly after that some judge, that I hope was not re-elected, then rescinded the revocation and she was allowed to do it all over again. Because of her right to bear arms... because her license says she can, what happened to my rights to feel safe at my kids soccer match? Because she passed a background check, took a half day long course, and passed a test she can now carry a gun around at my kids game. AHHH DAMMNNNNN, What the blankity blank is wrong with us.
We are our own problem... I fear we're just too damn stupid to help ourselves. F$%& it, I'm going home to kill the wife and kids. Goodbye cruel world, uh, scratch that... goodbye dumbasses.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
4 months
That's what I'm giving the marrage of Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom.
Once the NBA starts back up and Lamar goes on the road he"ll be like... "wait, I could be havin sex with all kinds of crazy white girls is 30 other cities. What was I thinkin. Damn Lamar, just pass the ball to Kobe and have some freaky sex."
http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/09/21/khloe.kardashian.married/index.html
http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/09/21/khloe.kardashian.married/index.html
Monday, August 31, 2009
Top 5 TV Shows I'd Die Watching
It was recently announced that the late Ted Kennedy spent his last few days with family and watching every single episode of the television show "24."
http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/the-shows-you-must-watch-before-you-die-and-the-ones-to-avoid--552
That gave me a great idea... in my last few days of life what television series would I watch in completion before I actually kicked the bucket. I think this calls for a top 5 list...
Top 5 TV Shows I'd Die Watching
1. Seinfeld - Not only would I watch it on my death bed, I've already spent a good portion of my healthy life watching every single episode. In my estimation this was the greatest thing ever on TV. What? You don't agree with me... NO SOUP FOR YOU!
2. M*A*S*H - granted it was a little before my time, but I don't ever remember seeing an episode I did not enjoy. This is also one of those few shows that didn't lose a step when there were changes with the cast. I even like the original movie.
3. Band of Brothers - technically not a series like the others, but pound for pound one of the greatest 10 hours of TV ever put together. This series taught a new generation about the contributions of the greatest generation. I am looking forward to the Pacific, a new series focused on the plight of soldiers in the Pacific war brought to you by the same folks (Tom Hanks, Steven Speilberg, Gary Goetzman) that brought you Band of Brothers.
4. The X-Files - Probably the one most would disagree with, but for me this show was awesome. It was dark and a little creepy, yet fun and entertaining. I would agree they did over-dwell on the alien aspect of the show, but all in all, a great series.
5. 24 - I have never actually seen an episode but EVERYONE tells me how awesome this show is. I actually was given the 1st season as a gift but have not taken the time to sit down and watch it. This sounds like a good thing to do when I am dying.
Those were the heavies, however here are some other things I'd like to point out.
Here are some shows that would trump some of the above if I didn't have to watch the whole thing... MTV circa 1981 - 1992 (hours and hours of awesome videos), best of Saturday Night Live, and the best of Johnny Carson (that man was a frickin genius). All of these shows were great in parts, but I'm not sure I would want to watch in their entirety.
Here are some shows that I thought would make this list but some how were screwed up by the people writing and making them... Lost, Heroes, Friends (they'd still be milking the Ross/Rachel thing if they could), Moonlighting (same thing).
Here are some shows I hear were awesome in their day, but I just wouldn't relate enough to to actually watch the whole series of... Carol Burnett Show, I Love Lucy, All in the Family, and The Honeymooners.
And finally here are some shows that would actually kill me to watch... The Real World, Survivor, and any daytime soap opera.
http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/the-shows-you-must-watch-before-you-die-and-the-ones-to-avoid--552
That gave me a great idea... in my last few days of life what television series would I watch in completion before I actually kicked the bucket. I think this calls for a top 5 list...
Top 5 TV Shows I'd Die Watching
1. Seinfeld - Not only would I watch it on my death bed, I've already spent a good portion of my healthy life watching every single episode. In my estimation this was the greatest thing ever on TV. What? You don't agree with me... NO SOUP FOR YOU!
2. M*A*S*H - granted it was a little before my time, but I don't ever remember seeing an episode I did not enjoy. This is also one of those few shows that didn't lose a step when there were changes with the cast. I even like the original movie.
3. Band of Brothers - technically not a series like the others, but pound for pound one of the greatest 10 hours of TV ever put together. This series taught a new generation about the contributions of the greatest generation. I am looking forward to the Pacific, a new series focused on the plight of soldiers in the Pacific war brought to you by the same folks (Tom Hanks, Steven Speilberg, Gary Goetzman) that brought you Band of Brothers.
4. The X-Files - Probably the one most would disagree with, but for me this show was awesome. It was dark and a little creepy, yet fun and entertaining. I would agree they did over-dwell on the alien aspect of the show, but all in all, a great series.
5. 24 - I have never actually seen an episode but EVERYONE tells me how awesome this show is. I actually was given the 1st season as a gift but have not taken the time to sit down and watch it. This sounds like a good thing to do when I am dying.
Those were the heavies, however here are some other things I'd like to point out.
Here are some shows that would trump some of the above if I didn't have to watch the whole thing... MTV circa 1981 - 1992 (hours and hours of awesome videos), best of Saturday Night Live, and the best of Johnny Carson (that man was a frickin genius). All of these shows were great in parts, but I'm not sure I would want to watch in their entirety.
Here are some shows that I thought would make this list but some how were screwed up by the people writing and making them... Lost, Heroes, Friends (they'd still be milking the Ross/Rachel thing if they could), Moonlighting (same thing).
Here are some shows I hear were awesome in their day, but I just wouldn't relate enough to to actually watch the whole series of... Carol Burnett Show, I Love Lucy, All in the Family, and The Honeymooners.
And finally here are some shows that would actually kill me to watch... The Real World, Survivor, and any daytime soap opera.
Monday, July 27, 2009
What Not to Wear to Work
This article smells of communism.
http://shopping.yahoo.com/articles/yshoppingarticles/253/what-not-to-wear-to-work/
Imagine a work place where the ladies didn't adhere to this lame recommendation of work attire... I dream of working someplace like that someday. Low cut blouses, short skirts, see through clothes.
I once had to send a girl home that worked for me for wearing a knit sweater with lace bra underneath. You could see her nipples. Which, oddly, I had to point out to her. The office was all a-whirl over this girls outfit choice. Once I walked in the door no less than 4 people had infomed me of her attire before I reached my desk.
An office full of that would be awesome.
http://shopping.yahoo.com/articles/yshoppingarticles/253/what-not-to-wear-to-work/
Imagine a work place where the ladies didn't adhere to this lame recommendation of work attire... I dream of working someplace like that someday. Low cut blouses, short skirts, see through clothes.
I once had to send a girl home that worked for me for wearing a knit sweater with lace bra underneath. You could see her nipples. Which, oddly, I had to point out to her. The office was all a-whirl over this girls outfit choice. Once I walked in the door no less than 4 people had infomed me of her attire before I reached my desk.
An office full of that would be awesome.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
What is He Thinking... You're a Homo
While looking at yahoo I saw another "Tips to Dating" story, that talks about what men really think... by the dating guro from MarieClaire. What the H E double toothpics does some dude who writes for MarieClaire know about what guys think.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-surprising-secrets-men-keep-469368/
I read this article and thought... well, that's stupid. What kinda metrosexual wrote this crap. I hate it when some jack-off assumes the identy of every male just because he has two marbles in a sack.
Anyway, here's MarieClaire's dating douch's 5 Suprising Secrets Men Keep piece with this, real man's, opionion.
1. We notice what you're wearing. Yes, we do... but only if it makes you look hot, slutty, or fugly. We want to see you in sexy clothes, even if you are not the sexiest woman in the world, if we're with you, then you're sexy to us. Just because your a size 14 with a fat ass doesn't mean you can't dress a little provocativly.
Seceretly, if you look a little slutty we like that even more.
Personally, I love it when a woman goes braless. Nothing gets my attention like a set of nipples poking out of a shirt. You could be pushing 190, have some mangly teeth stickin out, some messed up nappy hair, and a size-to-small KMart Ghostbusters, circa 1985, t-shirt on and walk right by me without so much as even catching my gaze. But poke some nips outta that thang and I'll be the one bustin something and it won't be ghost.
I also like when the buttons on a womans blouse gape open allowing a little to much to be seen. I also love it when a woman finds that just right fit of pants that makes her ass go "BANG." THAT's what we notice. Sexy and slutty; it catches are eyes and entrances our minds with thoughts of pure euphoria.
On the flip side, we also notice when you just don't look good. We hate it when you wear those jeans that just don't fit your ass or that shirt that says, "move on, nothing for you to see here." When you wear something like that we pray you don't ask us how it looks, but if you do, we will say, "it looks fine." If you hear that, change.
2. We hate when you try to hard to be one of the guys. Really, cause I could give a shit. If you really want to sit in the sports bar and talk shit about the dumbasses around us and oogle over the waitress, then sit down... always nice to hang with one of the guys... by the way, you have next round.
3. We are affraid of commitment. We are not affraid of commitment... were just affraid of the person you change into once that commitment has been made. I've always believed a woman looking for a man will look and act as good as she ever will, in her entire life. However, once that commitment is made... "mmmm, well, it's ok to have that piece of cheesecake at lunch, and it's alright if I skip my workout today, and, ahhhh, he won't mind if I act like a pshcotic bitch because he wants to go hang out with his friends and watch the game instead of spending the 13th night in a row catoring to my every need with me."
Commitment=Change. We hate change. We like that you look good. We like that you are fun to hang out with. We like that you appreciate us. We dont' want that to go away, ever, hence the fear of commitment.
4. Getting too tipsy on a date is a turnoff. This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. There is no such thing as "too tipsy," there's tipsy and drunk. And, personally, I'm hoping for tipsy.
Apparently the clown that wrote this has never experianced the elation of being on a date with a woman who needed to hold your hand to walk, because "I'm a little tipsy," or he's never dated a woman.
I'll just put it right out there for you; Tipsy, at most, increases my chances of getting lucky and, at least, will loosen you up a bit. Tipsy relaxes you, opens you up. It helps breaks down some of those social barriers we instill upon ourselves in public situations. A tipsy date will take her shoes off and splash in the fountain in front of the restruant. A tipsy date will make sexual inuendos throughout the evening. A tipsy date will laugh at my dirty joke. A tipsy date will let you go a little further than a sober one will. Tipsy is nice.
However, get sloppy drunk and I'll probably leave you at the bar.
5. We get jealous because we're insecure. We do sometimes get jealous, but I don't know if it has to do so much with my self insecurity as it does with your abilty to flirt to the point of eye f#$%ing every other guy that shows the littlest sign of interest in you. Perhaps if you pay some attention to us and act like you want to be there then I won't think you wanna bang the waiter.
All in all, what is really on our mind when we go out on our date is, "will I get lucky." I'm married 12 years and on the few occasions that we get to go out by ourselves I'm still thinking that. Am I gonna get lucky? That's it. Followed closely by, "wonder what her boobs look like," and "hope she drinks."
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-surprising-secrets-men-keep-469368/
I read this article and thought... well, that's stupid. What kinda metrosexual wrote this crap. I hate it when some jack-off assumes the identy of every male just because he has two marbles in a sack.
Anyway, here's MarieClaire's dating douch's 5 Suprising Secrets Men Keep piece with this, real man's, opionion.
1. We notice what you're wearing. Yes, we do... but only if it makes you look hot, slutty, or fugly. We want to see you in sexy clothes, even if you are not the sexiest woman in the world, if we're with you, then you're sexy to us. Just because your a size 14 with a fat ass doesn't mean you can't dress a little provocativly.
Seceretly, if you look a little slutty we like that even more.
Personally, I love it when a woman goes braless. Nothing gets my attention like a set of nipples poking out of a shirt. You could be pushing 190, have some mangly teeth stickin out, some messed up nappy hair, and a size-to-small KMart Ghostbusters, circa 1985, t-shirt on and walk right by me without so much as even catching my gaze. But poke some nips outta that thang and I'll be the one bustin something and it won't be ghost.
I also like when the buttons on a womans blouse gape open allowing a little to much to be seen. I also love it when a woman finds that just right fit of pants that makes her ass go "BANG." THAT's what we notice. Sexy and slutty; it catches are eyes and entrances our minds with thoughts of pure euphoria.
On the flip side, we also notice when you just don't look good. We hate it when you wear those jeans that just don't fit your ass or that shirt that says, "move on, nothing for you to see here." When you wear something like that we pray you don't ask us how it looks, but if you do, we will say, "it looks fine." If you hear that, change.
2. We hate when you try to hard to be one of the guys. Really, cause I could give a shit. If you really want to sit in the sports bar and talk shit about the dumbasses around us and oogle over the waitress, then sit down... always nice to hang with one of the guys... by the way, you have next round.
3. We are affraid of commitment. We are not affraid of commitment... were just affraid of the person you change into once that commitment has been made. I've always believed a woman looking for a man will look and act as good as she ever will, in her entire life. However, once that commitment is made... "mmmm, well, it's ok to have that piece of cheesecake at lunch, and it's alright if I skip my workout today, and, ahhhh, he won't mind if I act like a pshcotic bitch because he wants to go hang out with his friends and watch the game instead of spending the 13th night in a row catoring to my every need with me."
Commitment=Change. We hate change. We like that you look good. We like that you are fun to hang out with. We like that you appreciate us. We dont' want that to go away, ever, hence the fear of commitment.
4. Getting too tipsy on a date is a turnoff. This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. There is no such thing as "too tipsy," there's tipsy and drunk. And, personally, I'm hoping for tipsy.
Apparently the clown that wrote this has never experianced the elation of being on a date with a woman who needed to hold your hand to walk, because "I'm a little tipsy," or he's never dated a woman.
I'll just put it right out there for you; Tipsy, at most, increases my chances of getting lucky and, at least, will loosen you up a bit. Tipsy relaxes you, opens you up. It helps breaks down some of those social barriers we instill upon ourselves in public situations. A tipsy date will take her shoes off and splash in the fountain in front of the restruant. A tipsy date will make sexual inuendos throughout the evening. A tipsy date will laugh at my dirty joke. A tipsy date will let you go a little further than a sober one will. Tipsy is nice.
However, get sloppy drunk and I'll probably leave you at the bar.
5. We get jealous because we're insecure. We do sometimes get jealous, but I don't know if it has to do so much with my self insecurity as it does with your abilty to flirt to the point of eye f#$%ing every other guy that shows the littlest sign of interest in you. Perhaps if you pay some attention to us and act like you want to be there then I won't think you wanna bang the waiter.
All in all, what is really on our mind when we go out on our date is, "will I get lucky." I'm married 12 years and on the few occasions that we get to go out by ourselves I'm still thinking that. Am I gonna get lucky? That's it. Followed closely by, "wonder what her boobs look like," and "hope she drinks."
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Lord, or uh, President of the Flies Hands Out our First VPITF.
While being interviewed by CNBC corespondent, John Harwood, President Obama swatted and killed an "innocent" fly in the middle of the interview, exclaiming "I got the sucker," upon the flies demise. See the article here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090618/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_obama_dead_fly_7
or YouTube the incident.
OF COURSE, this drew the ire of PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich who states "swatting a fly on TV indicates he's not perfect," and we wish he had not done that.
Are you F#$%ing kidding me. What the f#$% is wrong with those people. On behalf of the President I'd like to extend them a Virtual Punch In The Face for being so absolutely frickin stupid as to give two shits about that dead damn fly. Instead of getting on the President perhaps you should have explained to the fly not to buzz around his head, because that would make just about as much sense you friggin dumbass. I wish it was more of a LPITF (Literal). F#$% OFF PETA.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Shark Attack
Jessica Alba and friends recently "tagged" several billboards, landmarks, and utility boxes (???) with posters of great white sharks in downtown Oklahoma City to bring attention to the sharks dwindling numbers in the worlds oceans.
http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b128253_jessica_alba_loves_jaws_breaks_laws.html?utm_source=eonline&utm_medium=rssfeeds&utm_campaign=rss_topstories
I have several issues with the stupidity of this and one "white shark" whopper of an idea to better get the word to the streets.
Let's start with what's stupid.
Point number 1; To bring attention to the plight of great white sharks you plaster signs up in Oklahoma City. You do realize your in the Midwest and, while we do have a white shark population problem here, it is by no means any fault to which their numbers are declining in the ocean. I'm no oceanographer nor did I sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night but I think it probably has to do with the fact there is no effing ocean here.
Point number 2; You are in Oklahoma City, who cares. I live here and I barely noticed. Now if you would have vandalized the OU football stadium or anything around Norman that mentions their precious football team... that would have really got some attention. It would have probably gotten you killed, but would have definitely garnered more concern from the Sooner Nuts out there. Asking someone in the OKC to care about sharks is like asking someone from Cali to care that wheat crop yields are down 30% this year. They just don't really give a crap.
Point number 3; that hat is stupid. The gangster hat with tank top is not a good look for you or anyone. Might I recommend a ballcap next time. Maybe an OU hat, again, anything to appease the Sooner Nuts works in OK.
Point number 4; At the time you really thought that was a good idea. I find it hard to believe that your train of thought was... "well, this is awesome. Were gonna bring attention of white shark genocide to Oklahoma, where there is nothing but dirt for miles around, no ocean anywhere... but hey, I'm Jessica Alba, I'm frickin hot, I have an awesome perky butt and I'm out here at night, sneaking around OKC plastering shark posters up on stuff and letting friends take my picture to post on the Internet, no way this can go wrong... no frickin way!" "Really" says Seth Meyers.
So, let me help you and the sharks out Jess. You really want to help, I mean you REALLY want to help white sharks out... have someone scribble Save the Sharks on your belly and then take a nude shot of yourself to post on the Internet. I guarantee 96% of all men in the world would know about the plight of White Sharks within an hour and I would personally send in a few bucks to the charity of your choice, what ever that may be; Save the White Shark Alliance, Shark Posters for the Needy, Gorilla Glue International, or maybe even the United Way... whatever. Sex sells baby, sex sells!
STEP INTO A SLIM JIM
This joke is probably in bad taste and I'm sure I would get complaints, if I had any followers besides The Bone... but do you suppose the Macho Man Randy Savage walked into the factory and yelled, "STEP INTO A SLIM JIM" and then the place blew up.
What if that were actually true... ponder that.
http://www.newsvine.com/slim-jim
What if that were actually true... ponder that.
http://www.newsvine.com/slim-jim
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Swine Who?
As predicted.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/05/swine.flu.main/index.html
No celebrity has died, and no plane has crashed, but the media is moving on to other things; Jessica Simpsons figure, Wolverines big weekend, and, of course, the economy. As I stated before this was just the hot topic of the moment and that it was no worse than your run of the mill flu. In fact, now they are reporting less people died of Swine Flu than previously thought.
Go figure.
We will miss you Swine Flu and the imminent disaster you once promised us. We look forward to future pandemics, in fact, I hear there is a kid that lived next door to Michael Vick that has come down with a nasty cough... you might want to check it out.
(p.s. 3 hours after posting the above message, Dom Deluise died. Probably not going to get tons of media attention, but still, pretty ironic)
p.s.s. Please note that this posting kicked off the summer of death (Jackson, Fawcett, Kennedy, etc., etc.) now THAT is frickin ironic)
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/05/swine.flu.main/index.html
No celebrity has died, and no plane has crashed, but the media is moving on to other things; Jessica Simpsons figure, Wolverines big weekend, and, of course, the economy. As I stated before this was just the hot topic of the moment and that it was no worse than your run of the mill flu. In fact, now they are reporting less people died of Swine Flu than previously thought.
Go figure.
We will miss you Swine Flu and the imminent disaster you once promised us. We look forward to future pandemics, in fact, I hear there is a kid that lived next door to Michael Vick that has come down with a nasty cough... you might want to check it out.
(p.s. 3 hours after posting the above message, Dom Deluise died. Probably not going to get tons of media attention, but still, pretty ironic)
p.s.s. Please note that this posting kicked off the summer of death (Jackson, Fawcett, Kennedy, etc., etc.) now THAT is frickin ironic)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Top 5 Nicknames
This is a pretty hard task, so I thought I would do like this, first, the 5 most famous nicknames (as selected by me) and, second, my 5 favorite nicknames of all time.
5 Most Famous Nicknames - Must be real person, must be known by damn near everyone. People in this category are not the most famous people in the world, but if you mention their name or nickname, everyone can identify with them.
(in no particular order)
Henry "Billy the Kid" McCarty - Also went by the alias William H. Bonney during the height of his notoriety. Famous for allegedly killing 21 people in the late 19th century. Earned his nickname because of his youthful appearance and actual age (he died at 21). While on a trip in Europe I was riding a train and two guys from Spain, struggled through the language barrier, to ask where in the U.S. I was from. I said, "Kansas." They said, "oh, Billy the Kid," and made the shape of a gun with their hands. I don't think Billy the Kid was ever in Kansas, but to my point, these two clowns from Spain even knew who he was... sorta.
Elvis "the King (of rock and roll)" Presley - Famous for gyrating his hips and his R&B voice. Sang "Hound Dog," "Jailhouse Rock," and "Blue Suede Shoes." Given the moniker "The King of Rock and Roll" because he was the king of rock and roll. End of discussion. Rated third in worldwide name recognition behind Michael Jackson and Jesus Christ.
George Herman "the Babe" Ruth - Acquired the nickname "Babe" after being referred to as "one of Dunne's (Baltimore Orioles manager Jack Dunne) babes." Ruth is one of the greatest sports hero's of American culture. Ruth completely changed baseball itself. The popularity of the game exploded in the 1920s, largely due to him. He was so good he had several nicknames; the Great Bambino, The Sultan of Swat, The Caliph of Clout, the Behemoth of Bust, and many others. Name lives on in candy bar form.
Jack the Ripper - Known only by his nickname as he was never caught. Famous for the murders of at least 5 and possibly as many as 11 women in London in 1888. The murders involved extremely gruesome acts, such as mutilation and evisceration, which were widely reported in the media. The name "Jack the Ripper" originated in a letter sent to the London Central News Agency by someone claiming to be the murderer. If ever in London I highly recommend the "Jack the Ripper" tour.
Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen aka "The Red Baron" - The most successful flying ace of World War I with 80 confirmed combat victories. Given the name Red Baron due to the color of his plane. Shot down not by another pilot, as you would suspect, but rather by a single shot fired from the ground. Currently has a line of pizzas named after him and has been idolized in Peanuts comics.
(Honorable Mentions: "Typhoid" Mary Mallon; Jesus "H" Christ (just kidding); "Shoeless" Joe Jackson; Andrew "Stonewall" Jackson; Dwight D. "Ike" Eisenhower; William F. "Buffalo Bill" Cody; James "Wild Bill" Hickock; Michael "Air" Jordan)
Now a list of my Top 5 favorite nicknames. These are basically nicknames I think are really cool and wish I had.
(In no particular order)
Gilbert "Agent Zero" Arenas - Given to him because he wears the number 0. He's a pretty good baller, but that nickname is sick!
"Cool Hand" Luke Jackson - Sure it's a fictional character, but it's a wicked awesome nickname. The film featured several other cool nicknames "Dragline," "Soceity Red," "Loudmouth Steve," and "Blind Dick," among others.
Mel "The Velvet Fog" Torme - Earned while singing at the famous Copacabana in New York. Mel never liked the name but I think it's kick ass.
Vito Corleone "The Godfather" - Another fictional character, but also very cool.
Marcus “The Irish Hand Grenade” Davis - An MMA fighter, heard this in passing one day and thought, "that's the shit." Don't know a thing about the guy though.
(Honorable Mentions: Allen "The Answer" Iverson; Karl "The Mailman" Malone; Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch; Rod "He Hate Me" Smart; John Joesph "Black Jack" Persing)
I'll probably never get a cool nickname... BHanDaMan really isn't a nickname, it's just an Internet login I use. In college my friends called me Hatchet; which on the surface sounds like a cool nickname, but was really meant to describe the fact that my, then thought-to-be cool, hair looked like it had been parted with a hatchet. In fact, while researching this topic, I found that most nicknames are given for derogatory reasons. So, see you later dickhead.
5 Most Famous Nicknames - Must be real person, must be known by damn near everyone. People in this category are not the most famous people in the world, but if you mention their name or nickname, everyone can identify with them.
(in no particular order)
Henry "Billy the Kid" McCarty - Also went by the alias William H. Bonney during the height of his notoriety. Famous for allegedly killing 21 people in the late 19th century. Earned his nickname because of his youthful appearance and actual age (he died at 21). While on a trip in Europe I was riding a train and two guys from Spain, struggled through the language barrier, to ask where in the U.S. I was from. I said, "Kansas." They said, "oh, Billy the Kid," and made the shape of a gun with their hands. I don't think Billy the Kid was ever in Kansas, but to my point, these two clowns from Spain even knew who he was... sorta.
Elvis "the King (of rock and roll)" Presley - Famous for gyrating his hips and his R&B voice. Sang "Hound Dog," "Jailhouse Rock," and "Blue Suede Shoes." Given the moniker "The King of Rock and Roll" because he was the king of rock and roll. End of discussion. Rated third in worldwide name recognition behind Michael Jackson and Jesus Christ.
George Herman "the Babe" Ruth - Acquired the nickname "Babe" after being referred to as "one of Dunne's (Baltimore Orioles manager Jack Dunne) babes." Ruth is one of the greatest sports hero's of American culture. Ruth completely changed baseball itself. The popularity of the game exploded in the 1920s, largely due to him. He was so good he had several nicknames; the Great Bambino, The Sultan of Swat, The Caliph of Clout, the Behemoth of Bust, and many others. Name lives on in candy bar form.
Jack the Ripper - Known only by his nickname as he was never caught. Famous for the murders of at least 5 and possibly as many as 11 women in London in 1888. The murders involved extremely gruesome acts, such as mutilation and evisceration, which were widely reported in the media. The name "Jack the Ripper" originated in a letter sent to the London Central News Agency by someone claiming to be the murderer. If ever in London I highly recommend the "Jack the Ripper" tour.
Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen aka "The Red Baron" - The most successful flying ace of World War I with 80 confirmed combat victories. Given the name Red Baron due to the color of his plane. Shot down not by another pilot, as you would suspect, but rather by a single shot fired from the ground. Currently has a line of pizzas named after him and has been idolized in Peanuts comics.
(Honorable Mentions: "Typhoid" Mary Mallon; Jesus "H" Christ (just kidding); "Shoeless" Joe Jackson; Andrew "Stonewall" Jackson; Dwight D. "Ike" Eisenhower; William F. "Buffalo Bill" Cody; James "Wild Bill" Hickock; Michael "Air" Jordan)
Now a list of my Top 5 favorite nicknames. These are basically nicknames I think are really cool and wish I had.
(In no particular order)
Gilbert "Agent Zero" Arenas - Given to him because he wears the number 0. He's a pretty good baller, but that nickname is sick!
"Cool Hand" Luke Jackson - Sure it's a fictional character, but it's a wicked awesome nickname. The film featured several other cool nicknames "Dragline," "Soceity Red," "Loudmouth Steve," and "Blind Dick," among others.
Mel "The Velvet Fog" Torme - Earned while singing at the famous Copacabana in New York. Mel never liked the name but I think it's kick ass.
Vito Corleone "The Godfather" - Another fictional character, but also very cool.
Marcus “The Irish Hand Grenade” Davis - An MMA fighter, heard this in passing one day and thought, "that's the shit." Don't know a thing about the guy though.
(Honorable Mentions: Allen "The Answer" Iverson; Karl "The Mailman" Malone; Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch; Rod "He Hate Me" Smart; John Joesph "Black Jack" Persing)
I'll probably never get a cool nickname... BHanDaMan really isn't a nickname, it's just an Internet login I use. In college my friends called me Hatchet; which on the surface sounds like a cool nickname, but was really meant to describe the fact that my, then thought-to-be cool, hair looked like it had been parted with a hatchet. In fact, while researching this topic, I found that most nicknames are given for derogatory reasons. So, see you later dickhead.
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